by J. A. Baker
Nina leans forward, squinting to get a better view, willing this vixen-like creature to turn her way. As if prompted, the woman spins around, her chin raised, eyes narrowed. She glances around the car park, scanning the immediate area, clearly looking for somebody and at that very same moment, Nina’s heart misses a beat.
She claps a hand over her mouth. Her teeth chatter, her tongue feels too big for her mouth. This is a mistake. She’s got it wrong. This isn’t her husband’s latest fling. It can’t be. It’s all a horrible coincidence. Nina is tempted to get out of her own vehicle and move alongside to say hello. Were it not for the fact that right now, Rob could be sitting inside watching, she would do just that, just to settle her mind, to tell herself that Kate Winston-D’Allandrio isn’t the woman who is having an affair with her husband.
Sliding further down into her seat, Nina tries and fails to stem the sickly feeling building in her gut. She watches as Kate checks herself in her compact mirror, adjusts her hair and reapplies her lipstick before heading towards the entrance.
And then Nina’s world tilts on its axis as he appears, framed in the doorway like a huge spectre. Rob. Her husband. His movements are swift and steady. He steps outside, slips his arm around Kate’s waist and guides her inside.
The sound of Nina’s blood pounding through her ears is deafening, an ocean of it bashing against her bones, tearing through her veins. Throwing open the car door, she vomits onto the tarmac. This can’t be happening. It just can’t. This she didn’t expect. This she wasn’t prepared for. Tears blind her as she wipes at her mouth and slams the door closed, leaning back into the headrest, gulping in air.
A couple of seconds pass, minutes perhaps. It’s too difficult to tell, her thoughts tangled, her logic and lucidity in free fall.
She pushes the keys into the ignition and starts the engine with thick clumsy fingers. The pedals beneath her feet feel light and airy, her feet too heavy and lacking the dexterity to drive properly.
She expected a young blonde, somebody attractive and predictable and completely forgettable. She didn’t expect this. Kate Winston-D’Allandrio, the woman who has been to their house to drop off and collect Alexander, the smart and polite young man Dane has teamed up with. Nina secretly hoped that the pairing would have a positive effect on her son and drag him out of his permanent state of angst and misery. But that hasn’t happened. Instead, their families have become entwined in the worst possible way. An intimate and unforgivable way.
Fury pulses through her. It didn’t take Rob and Kate long to hook up together. There must have been an attraction from the very beginning. Rob has had affairs in the past but never this close to home. It’s always been some impressionable young airhead, somebody he met in the pub, someone he could use and dispose of without too much trouble, but this – this is in a whole new league. He has outdone himself this time, tearing up all the usual rules, scattering them far and wide and trampling over her feelings in the process.
She swings the car out onto the main road, tears blurring her vision. Her mind is empty, her soul crushed. She has no idea what to do next, how to react to this latest discovery. Her husband is sleeping with their son’s best friend’s mother. Nina slams her hands against the steering wheel and lets out a deep throaty growl. ‘For fuck’s sake, Rob! What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing?’
The journey home is a blur, her reflexes taking over as she steers the car through busy traffic, her thoughts a miasma of hurt, anger and confusion.
What if she were to just pack her bags and leave? Would the two men in her life beg her to rethink her decision, to come back home, or would they cheer, hoping she never returns? She wishes she knew them better. They are strangers, their thinking on a different wavelength to hers. Rob and Dane are two peas in a pod. She is the outsider here. The outlier. Would they even miss her if she left? They would miss the meals she provides for them and the level of cleanliness in which they live, but they wouldn’t actually miss her. Two family members and a marginalised woman all living together under the same roof, that’s what they are. She co-exists with her husband and son. Does she love them? A mother will always love her child no matter what. Even when Dane is being downright rude to her, she still loves him. There are days when she doesn’t like him, but she is hardwired to always be there for him, to give her best to her child despite his constant rebuffs and sarcastic comments and insults. She has had to grow a second skin, to be impervious to his moods and temper.
Does she still love Rob? That particular question gives her pause for thought. She loves the idea of him. She loves the thought of not being alone and having to struggle through life on her own but as for the actual man – no, she definitely no longer loves him and finds herself wondering if she ever did. She is here for Dane, that’s all. Once he is up and doing his own thing she will leave. Rob’s latest affair has sealed his fate and put an end to their marriage. Two more years. She will give it two more years, and in the meantime, she will start to prepare, to squirrel away money and look around at available affordable properties. She doesn’t care where she lives, as long as it’s not with him, the man who has emotionally abused her for as long as she can remember. The thought of facing him after tonight’s discovery, having to sleep next to him every night, makes her skin ripple with dread and revulsion. It’s going to be a long couple of years.
The thought crosses her mind that she should confront him about this latest dalliance as she pulls up on the driveway, locks up her car and enters the house. Why should he get away with it? After Kate there will be another and then another and then another – a long stream of women that will fill the void in her husband’s life while she sits at home alone.
Rage ignites inside her. What sort of woman is she that she has allowed her husband to get away with such despicable behaviour? Theirs isn’t an open swinging marriage where anything goes. That isn’t why she got wed. She married Rob because she truly believed in love and a lasting partnership and family. She didn’t bargain for this. It’s about time she confronted him and what better time to do it than now, when he is fucking the mother of his son’s best friend?
‘Hiya. Where’ve you been?’ Dane is standing in front of her, a small amount of concern etched into his features as she kicks off her shoes and pushes her feet into her slippers.
She stares down at them – pink fluffy childlike things. So silly. Inappropriate and unnecessary. She kicks them off, and they slide under a nearby cabinet out of view. ‘I just fancied a drive to clear my head.’ Her keys rattle as she throws them onto the console table and moves away from him. She isn’t in the mood for dealing with any of his nonsense either. Not tonight. She has had a gutful of being trodden upon and taken for granted.
Behind her, she can hear the shuffle of her son’s feet as he follows her into the kitchen. Apprehension builds in her chest. Not now. She hasn’t the energy for his moods or his barbed remarks. If it’s an argument he’s after, he can go elsewhere to pick a fight. She is bone-tired. Too exhausted for quarrels and disagreements. Too exhausted for anything.
‘D’you want a cup of tea?’
Her flesh prickles. Something is wrong. Dane doesn’t make tea. Dane doesn’t initiate conversation other than to fire a volley of insults her way.
She nods and gives him a half smile, unable to commit fully to engaging with her own child. Such a shameful thing to think. Something needs to change.
He fills the kettle and prepares the cups as she sits down at the table, her legs suddenly weak, her bones dead weights. It’s exhausting being permanently anxious and on edge, worried where the next insult is coming from. She feels sure she could sleep for a hundred years and still wake up weary.
The clatter of crockery and the low hiss of the kettle allow her to drift off into her own thoughts, a world of her own making where none of this is happening. She visualises a life where she and Rob are happily married and very much in love, a life where Dane is settled and chirpy, is doing well at school and h
as so much to look forward to. Such families exist, it’s just that hers isn’t one of them. They are a fractured household, their cracks glossed over with money and status and everything many other less well-off families could only ever dream of having. Money isn’t everything. In their case it is nothing at all. She would sacrifice this big house and their many cars for just one ounce of love and tenderness.
‘Mr Rose said I was working well at school today. Said if I keep it up, I might get some half decent exam results after all.’ Her tea is handed to her, Dane attempting a smile as he passes it over.
She is lost for words. She wants to laugh, to ask if aliens have kidnapped her son and replaced him with this person, but instead smiles, tells him that this is great news. Nina daren’t hope that Dane is at long last emerging out of his decade-long bout of petulance and fury. She won’t pin her hopes on such a thing, but clings onto this moment, treasuring her son’s softer side, the side she sees rarely. That letter from school getting home has obviously worked. Dane is starting to take his education seriously. And not before time.
They sit together in companionable silence, each locked in their own thoughts until he speaks again, this time his disclosure cutting her to the quick. ‘I also got into a bit of trouble.’
Her flesh flashes hot and cold. She should have known this was coming – the tea, the easy conversation. It was all a ruse. A breath is suspended in her diaphragm, trapped in place as she waits for him to speak again. This is bad. She can sense it. That’s what it’s all about – his softness, his gentler approach – he was breaking her in. Preparing her.
A bit of trouble.
It could mean anything. She bites at the inside of her mouth, braces herself.
‘I was messing about near Mr Rose’s house last night and slipped inside. I didn’t do no damage or nothing. It was just a bit of a laugh. I saw his mother asleep in bed upstairs then ran out.’ His eyes are lowered, his voice bordering on remorseful. Or could it be a fear of having crossed a line that could result in untold trouble landing right at his feet?
Nina swallows and tries to still her thrashing heart, taking small regular breaths and gripping onto the edge of the chair for stability. ‘So, I’m guessing Mr Rose spoke to you about it today? Did he mention calling the police for trespassing?’ She has to be careful here. Her son has opened up to her, a rare occurrence. She doesn’t want to tip the balance and push him away by being too domineering, or scare him into silence. This is a defining moment.
‘Yeah, he gave me a warning. Said his mother is really ill and stuff.’ He fiddles with his sleeve, pulling at a piece of loose thread with semi-dextrous fingers.
Nina sees his hands and notices how grimy his nails are, an arc of dirt embedded under each one. The hands of a child. She lets out a sigh and tries to remove herself from the emotional tug of this situation. He is still so young, so deeply juvenile, yet to develop into a fully grown man. Will he ever mature and think of others? How did she ever produce somebody who goes his own sweet way with no thought of how his actions affect other people? She sighs. Perhaps she is being too hard on him. Just look at the things other young lads get up to – shoplifting, fighting, bullying – Dane’s misdemeanours pale into insignificance compared to some of the other local teenagers. It could be a whole lot worse.
They sit once more in silence. She reaches across and briefly touches his hand. This is a step forward. She has to see that. He opened up to her. They had a civil discussion without any shouting or name calling. Whether she likes it or not, this moment they are sharing, despite it being tinged with apprehension and a small amount of concern, is a positive thing.
Nina stands up and breaks the quiet with no desire to further their discussion. She doesn’t want to spoil the moment, wanting to leave on a positive note. ‘I think I’m going to go and have a bath.’
Dane nods, gathers up the cups and puts them in the dishwasher, something else he has never done before. Hope unfurls in her abdomen, tiny buds of optimism reaching out and spreading through her, small green shoots springing to life.
She takes the stairs two at a time, a warmth she hasn’t felt for as long as she can remember spreading over her skin. Has he finally returned to her? After all this time, has her little boy finally emerged back into the light? Despite his awful confession about what he has done, she hopes that her boy is trying to forge some sort of connection. He did something wrong and came to her to speak about it, unburdening himself and admitting his guilt. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?
She closes and locks the bathroom door behind her, allowing herself a small expectant smile at what may lie ahead. If she can get Dane on her side, then perhaps she can take the next step and confront Rob. It’s a possibility. She has no idea what else to do. Her life is currently collapsing around her. She can either sit and watch it happen or take pre-emptive action and limit the damage.
The bath is hot, scalding her skin as she steps into it and lies back, the burning sensation a welcome reminder that she is still alive, is still able to feel something apart from sadness and hopelessness that for so long now has dominated her life.
She closes her eyes and imagines Rob far away, living another life. She imagines that soon she will be free.
26
He should distance himself. That’s what his brain is telling him, but his heart is saying that Dane is his main friend and to shake him off now would be like losing a limb. Dane actually trespassed inside Mr Rose’s house. He could get permanently excluded for it. It’s really serious stuff.
Alex slumps onto his bed and stares up at the ceiling. He doesn’t believe all that shit about Dane being kept back in class so Mr Rose could congratulate him on working hard in lessons. It was a bit of subterfuge. They obviously spoke about him entering Mr Rose’s house last night. Dane does nothing in lessons except stare down at the floor and flick pieces of saliva-soaked paper at the back of girls’ heads. The last thing Mr Rose would do is congratulate him and tell him he’s heading for a clear pass in his exams.
It’s stupid really, as his friend is a bright lad but he’s prepared to give up the chance of getting any decent exam results so he can go and work on a building site with his dad. As much as Alex loves and admires his own dad, he wouldn’t want to work alongside him day after day. And as for being on a building site in the middle of winter – Alex couldn’t think of anything worse. It might appeal to some, but it’s not how he would want to spend his life.
He doesn’t tell anybody in his class what he wants to do once he leaves school, what his ambitions are. It would leave him open to ridicule. What he really dreams of doing is working as a scientist, possibly an epidemiologist. He isn’t dead set on that particular branch as yet but he does know that science is the thing he wants to study. Saying this sort of stuff in the school he currently attends would make him a laughing stock, especially where Dane is concerned, so he keeps his mouth shut and his head down and just gets on with his work. That’s his route to survival and success. It’s how he makes it through each and every day.
Beside him, the glare of the clock catches his eye, glinting in his peripheral vision. 11.30pm. His parents have finally stopped arguing. His mum came in shortly after 10.30pm and it started almost immediately: the hissed accusations, the relentless questions about where she had been, her barked replies telling his dad to shut up and leave her alone.
They thought that both him and Joss were asleep, even peeking around the door at one point to check before shutting it behind them and continuing with their tirade.
Alex wonders if his mum is capable of having an affair. Maybe that’s where she’s been. He can’t imagine it. She’s so aloof and frosty, it seems impossible that she could ever succumb to anybody at all. As much as he hates this atmosphere, he doesn’t want his parents to split. He wants them to grow up, get their heads together and work things out. They’re adults. It’s what adults are supposed to do – they evaluate and assess situations and try to make them better
for everyone concerned.
His mother isn’t a bad person, just upset and lonely. He wonders if she is planning on leaving them all for somebody with more wealth and glamour. It means a lot to her – the status that money brings, but does it mean more to her than her own family? Alex hopes not. He hopes she comes to her senses and realises that cash isn’t the be-all and end-all, that they have a comfortable life here – better than most. He hopes that she realises that her family would miss her if she left.
He is surprised to find that tears are stinging the back of his eyes. Crying has never been his thing. He usually has a good handle on his emotions but just lately, events seem to be spinning out of control and there is little he can do to stop it.
Did Joss hear the rowing? He thinks not but also thinks that even if she did, it would wash over her leaving no mark. She is oblivious to their parents’ disintegrating marriage, oblivious to what direction their lives could take if either of them were to leave. It’s about time his sister woke up to the world around her instead of being so wrapped up in her own life, cocooned in her own little bubble of happiness.
Alex closes his eyes and tries to switch off but his mind refuses to shut down. He thinks of Dane and how he got inside Mr Rose’s house. He thinks of his mother and what would happen if she left them. He thinks of Joss and her selfish behaviour and then thinks of his dad and how they would all cope if anything really bad happened to their family.
He finally succumbs to exhaustion, slipping into a fitful sleep where nightmares fill his head – visions of Dane being arrested; images of his dad trying to strangle his mother; the sensation of falling into a deep dark void, his body plummeting and gathering speed as he travels through the inky blackness, waiting to hit the bottom – until he wakes, perspiration coating his skin, his heart a rapid thump under his ribcage.