by J P Sayle
“That’s it, let it out. I’ve got you,” Will soothed, his hands caressing my arms. “I can’t imagine how hard it is to raise a child on your own. But I can see you’ve done a fine job. She’s a feisty little thing.”
I chuckled and then sniffed, trying to control the surging emotions encouraging me to turn and bury my head in Will’s chest and let him carry the burden for a moment.
Willow is not a burden.
No she wasn’t, but the responsibility to make sure I did right by her, was. That knowledge had weighed heavily on me from the very first moment I’d held her in my arms. She’d been so tiny, so defenseless and it had been a shock to realize that she was my sole responsibility. I’d let her down by not being honest with her.
“She’s four, Goddamnit! How am I supposed to tell her that her Mom never wanted her? How?” I burst out.
Will’s arms tightened around me. “I have no idea. But you need to talk to her, Tiny.” His biceps bulged as I went to pull away. “Listen to me. You’re not alone in this.” There was something in his quiet tone that made me still. “I’ll be with you, if you let me?” he pleaded, his face pressing into my hair as his chest shifted against my back.
I should say no.
Why?
I don’t know.
Will
Exiting my father’s truck, I paused as I swept my gaze over the busy, sprawling ranch. The rolling hills in the distance were captivating, as was the huge, wooden house which resembled a lodge more than it did a home. The rich wood glowed in the sunlight making me understand why Del had been inundated with folks wanting to visit.
The house was just rustic enough to make you feel like you’d stepped onto a movie set from one of the old fifties’ cowboy movies. The authenticity would be a real draw for those wanting to experience what it was like to be a real cowboy. The reality though would be something else for them.
As a teenager, I’d spent my vacation earning extra cash on a ranch owned by a friend of my father. It had been hard and dirty work. Different from what these men expected it to be, that was for sure.
My lips twitched at the laughing men who were milling around. Their lily-white skin and squeaky clean clothes showed they were visitors. Tanned faces and forearms were a dead giveaway for the guys who worked on the ranch. My gaze travelled back to the ranch house and I chuckled at the guy walking down the steps. The cowboy hat he wore looked like he’d borrowed it from his father. It hung down over his eyes and no matter how many times he pushed it back, it slipped forward again. The perfect crease down the leg of his jeans made me worried for him. The hard denim would rub him raw by the end of the day; I’d bet on it.
The door opened behind him to reveal a familiar face, Andy, strolling out with another guy, who was listening intently to whatever Andy was saying. The guy was gorgeous with mahogany brown hair framing his tanned face which was the same color as his eyes. Eyes that were focused solely on Andy, a smile curling the corners of his lips. I tilted my head, narrowing my eyes on the pair of them. Was there something going on between them? I’d always thought Andy was straight but maybe I was wrong.
Andy saw me, lifting his hand in a wave, the guy accompanying him glancing in my direction. His dark brow furrowed but then smoothed out again as Andy said something I couldn’t make out over the noise going on around me.
Both men came down the steps and I started to walk towards them, ignoring the men stood around. “Points to you for being early. I’d like you to meet Del Sinclair, owner of the Angel Ranch,” Andy said, inclining his head towards Del as he gave my back a slap, yet again causing me to have to right myself.
The fucker had some strength in those arms!
“Years in the marines make sure you’re never late for anything. It’s nice to meet you Mr. Sinclair.” I held out my hand to Del as his face morphed into a big grin.
“No one calls me Mr. Sinclair, makes me feel as old as the hills. It’s just Del.” He laughed as he took my hand, giving it a firm shake. “Thanks for coming. Let me show you around and then I thought you might want to see what you’re potentially letting yourself in for.” The smile remained on his lips, but no longer reached his eyes as his gaze swept over the paddocks in front of us. He shook his head before indicating that I should follow him.
After the walk around, Del explained what he wanted to achieve on the ranch before leading me back over to the paddock they used to train the novice riders. Del indicated that he wanted me to have a go, throwing me in at the deep end in a sink or swim moment.
Sweat slid down my back and I swiped my sweaty face as I attempted to instruct the man on the horse who didn’t have a clue what he was doing. The poor horse tossed its head as the man pulled the reins in different directions expecting the horse to understand what he wanted.
After an hour, I wasn’t sure I was swimming strongly, but I’d at least managed to get the last three men to sit correctly on the horse and make the animal move. The fourth guy was proving to be a lot trickier. It was the guy with the oversized hat and the jeans which were so stiff that they could probably stand up on their own. “Raymond, do me a favor, drop the rein in your left hand.”
“How will that work if I’m supposed to be tugging on them to get the horse to move?” he responded, sounding exasperated. His hands continued to tug on both reins, not listening to me.
Sucking in the hot, arid air, I counted to ten before strolling up to the beautiful palomino horse, who evidently had a lot more patience than I did, her dark brown eyes staring at me as she whinnied. I stroked her nose, the scent of horse and hay taking me back to a time when life had been a lot less complicated. Using those memories to calm me, I tugged the rein from Raymond’s hand.
“When you drive a car, do you indicate left and right at the same time?”
“Of course not, how would anyone know which lane I wanted to be in?” His eyes demonstrated confusion and I swallowed a sigh.
“Exactly. When you tug on the reins in different directions, Little Star here, has no clue what lane you want to get into. See, it’s like you’re indicating in both directions and she’s a clever girl, she knows that’s what you’re doing. So she’s waiting for you to make up your mind which way you want to go.” Understanding dawned in his eyes as I explained what he was doing wrong.
Thankfully, after that, things had gone a little more smoothly and Raymond had managed to get Little Star to trot around the paddock. His beaming smile after an hour of training had made the effort worth it as I’d led Little Star back to the stables. After I’d cleaned out her stall, brushed her down and ensured she had food and water, I walked back up to the main house, surprised to see that the sun was starting to set.
As I walked up the front steps, the door opened and Del appeared, as if he’d been watching out for me. The bottle of beer he held out to me was a welcome sight and I took it from him, the icy drink like nectar from the Gods as it slid down my parched throat.
Del strolled over to the porch swing and sat, his fingers clutching his own beer as he eyed me. “Take a weight off. I bet you’re aching in places you haven’t for a while,” he said, grinning at me. His eyes creased and his lips twitched as if he was struggling to hold back laughter.
I groaned as I sat on the swing next to him. He wasn’t wrong. I was used to hard work but the level of manual labor I’d done today had been better than any gym workout I could have devised. My back muscles twinged as I leant back and took another swig of my beer. I let the cool liquid linger in my mouth before swallowing with a sigh of pleasure.
“I wanna say, I’d all but given up any hope of getting Raymond to understand how to get Little Star to move. Good job!” His fist came up to bump with mine. “The question is, did he put you off?” Tension appeared on Del’s face as I considered his question.
Could I work here and do this every day? I recalled the frustration I’d felt earlier, but I also remembered the satisfaction when Raymond had finally understood what he was doing wrong. My body ac
hed, but in a way that made me feel alive without the stress of the last few years. Could I work for Del? Yeah, yeah I could.
I nodded slowly and watched Del closely as his tension eased and his smile returned.
“Great. Can you start right away?”
“You don’t waste time, do you?” I choked out past my laughter.
“I’m up to my neck in bookings. I don’t have the men I need to make sure that these dudes stay safe while getting the experience they’ve paid for. So yeah, I’m not gonna hang around when the solution to my problem is right in front of me.” His eyes narrowed on me as he plucked at his lower lip. “You don’t have any buddies that no longer work in the army who might be interested in being a ranch hand, do you?”
“I’m not sure. I might know some men. Let me think about it some.” I was too tired to come up with any names off the top of my head. Del nodded and sat back, his gaze moving to the view in front of us.
The sky was a blaze of deep orange as the sun dipped behind the hills. A peacefulness I’d not expected to find here, crept over me. The familiarity of that feeling startled me, especially when it dawned on me that it was the same way I felt when I spent time with Tiny and Willow. There had been moments throughout the day where I’d wondered what they were doing. Had Willow missed the time we usually spent in the afternoon chatting and playing whatever game she came up with?
My chest tightened and I stood with a sudden need to get home. I checked my wrist watch. What time did Willow go to bed?
“You off?” Del asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Yeah.” I sniffed before looking down at my dirt-stained clothes. “I need a soak in the tub and some food.” My stomach growled loudly as I finished talking.
“Aww fuck! I should have thought about that.”
At Del’s pissed off expression, I jabbed my finger at him. “Listen, I’ve got a mouth. I could have asked for something to eat. I got carried away working. It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, handing my empty bottle over to him before giving him a nod.
“Bright and early,” Del shouted at my departing back as I walked towards my truck.
I lifted my hand to acknowledge him without turning round. Getting home was my priority.
Greg
The moment Will had driven off this morning and I’d spied Neil’s truck still on the drive, I’d gone over to talk to him. He’d been weird with me but I’d put it down to Andy spilling the beans about the night before. I’d not had a chance to discuss with Neil what his problem was, what with Willow getting overly excited at the prospect of recreating Christmas for Will. So Neil had driven off to work with a list of things that I prayed he’d still be able to source during the height of summer.
I’d taken Willow into the basement to see what we could find. Given all the other things on my mind, including the need to work out the right things to say to Willow, I’d forgotten to go down there the previous evening.
Although, it had turned out for the best, Willow seeing it as an adventure to go through all the boxes to find things we could use. “Daddy, looks at dis.” She held up a battered looking soft toy.
I squinted at it the dim light. Was that Robin’s treasured bear?
“Let me see, munchkin.” I held out my hand, sneezing as a cloud of dust rose from it as Willow waved the thing in the air before she handed it over.
“Bless ya, Daddy.” Willow giggled as she walked back over to the small box I’d placed on the floor for her to look through.
I eyed the battered bear which was minus one ear and an eye. The little jacket he wore, which had once been bright, was now faded and torn at the shoulder. Warm memories floated to the surface. Robin had been convinced that he’d been named after Christopher Robin. No amount of telling him differently had got him to change his mind, so in the end Mom had just agreed with him and bought him the bear he’d been nagging her for. If I remembered correctly, the thing had gone everywhere with him. He’d not shown any embarrassment over the need to have it with him at all times. Robin had just threatened the other kids with his older brother Neil, who was two years older than him, whenever they’d dared to touch it or tried to take it.
I chortled, remembering how in the end, Neil had hidden the damn thing, tired of getting detention after being forced to fight in order to get the bear back.
“Daddy, whats ya laughin at?”
Realizing I was indeed laughing, I smiled at Willow. “This bear was Uncle Robin’s and I was just remembering when the boys in school took it off him and he used to get Uncle Neil to get it back.”
Her little face scrunched up and she put her hands on her waist. “Dat’s not funny Daddy. They’s bullies and ya said dat’s naughty,” she accused.
My lips clamped together as I worked to keep a straight face. “Yes…” I said and then hiccuped. I swallowed and tried again. “You’re right, munchkin. I wasn’t laughing at the bullies, but at the thought of Uncle Neil hiding Robin’s bear so he could stop fighting the boys in school.”
I sighed at the confusion on her face. “Don’t worry, munchkin.” I lifted the bear up. “Let’s put this upstairs and then when Uncle Robin next comes to visit, we can give it to him. I’m sure he’d like it back. What do you think?”
She clapped her hands together as she danced on the spot. “Yes, Daddy. He’s be so happy.”
Pleased to have diverted her attention away from “why Daddy?” questions which seemed to be all she said these days, I gave her the bear to put in the box we’d set aside to be taken upstairs.
An hour later, a little dirty and sweaty from having searched through over a dozen boxes, I carried our haul upstairs. I checked the time in the kitchen, unsure when Will would get home. “Willow, go and see if Will is back. We don’t want him popping over and catching us, do we?” My wink prompted a giggle before she ran for the back door. Her blond curls bounced around her head, her sturdy little body all but vibrating in the bright red shorts and striped yellow top she wore. She ran out of the door at speed which caused me to quickly follow with my heart in my mouth. “Careful, Willow,” I shouted at her back. But it was to no avail as she kept going, not once looking back or slowing her pace.
I sighed with relief as she made it to the gap in the bushes, still on her feet. She often raced so fast that she ended up on her knees. Never a day went by when she didn’t have one bruise or another on her legs, never mind the scrapes. I waited at the door until she reappeared a minute later, beaming.
“He’s out,” she shouted breathlessly.
Laughter bubbled up and I opened my arms as she got to the top of the steps. She threw herself at me and I lifted her up and swung her around, her giggles increasing. Her face was alight with such joy that it took away the lingering pain from the night before.
The doubt, which crept in at night when I had nothing to occupy me, couldn’t surface when I had the light of Willow’s love directed at me. Holding her close to my heaving chest, I buried my nose in her sweet-smelling hair. Tears burned my eyes as her tiny arms wound around my neck.
“I loves ya Daddy, so much.” The wealth of emotion in her voice choked me.
How could a person not want this? Not want to feel this depth of love?
I sucked in a deep breath, my heart racing faster than an Indy car driver’s at the prospect of what I needed to do. I clung to her for a moment longer before shifting her so that I could sit on the porch swing. I settled her on my lap so that she was facing me.
“Daddy, whys you lookin likes dat?” Her tiny fingers lifted to the bridge of my nose, rubbing at the furrowed skin.
“Willow, munchkin, I want to talk to you about something that Will mentioned…” I trailed off as her gaze lowered and her tiny shoulders drooped.
“He’s told ya that I asked about… Mommy.” Her voice trembled, the way she phrased the words not making it a question.
“He did. I don’t want you to be mad at him. He was worried about you so he came over to talk to me.” I p
aused, uncertain of the best way to continue. My hands trembled as I stroked Willow’s silky hair, needing to give reassurance and maintain a connection between us.
Will’s promise to be there for me caused me to silently curse. Why hadn’t I waited till he was here?
Why would you wait? He’s not your boyfriend.
I sighed and Willow’s eyes were sheened with tears when they met mine.
“I love you so much, Willow, and I would do anything to protect you and keep you safe. When your Mommy got pregnant, it was a surprise.” That was putting it mildly, but it was the best I could offer as I considered my next words carefully, Willow’s gaze never wavering from mine. “Your Mommy… didn’t feel like she could cope with a baby, so we agreed that I would look after you instead.”
Her chin wobbled, but she didn’t interrupt me, her hands moving to my T-shirt and grasping the fabric in balled fists. The ache in my chest throbbed like an open wound at the thought of what I was about to say. “When your Mommy gave you to me, she felt it would be easier if she didn’t come and see you because it would be too hard to let you go.” It wasn’t the complete truth, but with Willow’s eyes brimming with tears and a piece of my heart dying, it was the best I could come up with.
I cursed myself for doing this without anyone there to help her get through the trauma. If I’d thought some of the things I’d endured over the last four years had been hard, I’d been wrong. They paled into insignificance in comparison to what I was doing now. It was soul-destroying and I cursed Kerry to hell and back for making me tear my daughter’s hopes to shreds.
“Mommy didn’t want me, did she?”
The grown-up way she said it had tears falling unheeded down my face and chilling my skin.
Willow sucked her lower lip between her teeth. Her hands released my T-shirt before moving to my cheeks, her soft fingers lying against my damp skin. “I’s alright Daddy. Don’t cry. I’s got you, Gramma, Pops, Uncle Andy, Uncle Neil, Uncle Robin and Will. You all loves me and wants me, I’s a lucky girl.”