by J C Carter
But, I wanted things to be different here. And again, this is why I wanted things with Ricky to go a very specific way. I didn't want us out in the open where everyone would feel they had a right to an opinion. Why did I even acknowledge the wave? Why did I wink like an idiot? And most importantly why do I even care what people think? I know I sound crazy. I'm pissed, because people have now seen us interact, but I'm also pissed that I care. I'm a mess.
A little while later, the game has started back up and people are going crazy. We're up by a lot and everyone's excited. You can tell even the players are feeling good, playing better and better as the score climbs higher. Eventually even I'm on my feet, getting caught up in the excitement. And as the clock winds down I find myself becoming more and more excited to see Ricky, to spend the night with him. Because I'm pretty sure this win is going to pay off for me later, in his bed. But I still can't shake that uneasy feeling in my gut, the one that says maybe I'll regret ever starting this whole thing.
When the game ends, everyone seems ready to party. But, I'm feeling a bit off. I get a text from Ricky telling me how long he'll be and where to meet him. I let Bronte know where I'm going and we agree to find each other later at the party. She's going so that she can hopefully spend some time with Aaron.
I make my way towards the locker room where Ricky asked me to meet him. There are tons of people everywhere, so it takes a while to get where I'm trying to go, but I eventually make it, and I find a spot to wait near the locker room door. I'm scrolling through my phone, killing time when I hear someone call my name. I turn my head towards the sound and see Ethan emerge from the doorway.
"Hey," he says, coming in to grab me up in a hug. "Didn't expect to see you here. You don't seem like the football loving type."
I laugh at that, shaking my head at him, "You're right about that. I came because a friend asked me too."
"Oh, anyone I know?"
I hesitate, not knowing exactly what to say. And it's at that exact moment that Ricky makes an appearance. He doesn't announce himself in any way, doesn't try to get my attention, he simply walks up and throws his arm over my shoulder. I have to resist the urge to roll my eyes and put some distance between our bodies.
I know exactly what he's doing. He's staking a claim, marking his territory, and believe me, he will be getting so much shit for that later. Because I do not belong to him. Right now though, I turn to Ethan and say, "Ricky is the friend I mentioned before. I assume you two know each other?"
"Of course," Ethan says, as friendly as always. “
Been on the team together since freshman year. Didn't know you guys knew each other though," he says, looking a bit dejected at the idea.
"Tessa and I go way back, don't we," Ricky asks, giving me a smirk. I'm glad that he's not being a complete dick at the moment.
"Sure, we go back as far as last week." He pulls a face at that and we both start laughing. He pulls me close to plant a kiss in my hair and I melt a little bit. I forget Ethan is even there until he clears his throat and steps back from us.
"Well," he says a bit awkwardly. "Guess I'll see you guys around then."
I'll see you later actually, I'll be at the party tonight," I say, giving him a smile. He smiles back at me, seeming cheered by the thought.
As soon as Ethan is out of sight, I shove Ricky away from me and he has the nerve to look offended.
"Did you really need to do that? Stake your freaking claim like that. I know we agreed to be exclusive with this thing, but we don't need to throw it in people's faces."
"So, let me get this straight. You don't want to actually date me, but you want us to be exclusive fuck buddies," I wince a little at his use of that term and the way he says it, "But we also can't tell anyone about it or maybe even be seen together?"
I'm honestly not sure what to say after that little speech. But I do know that I want to get out of here. People have started to stop and watch us, alerted by the rising volume of Ricky's voice.
"Can we just go please? People are starting to stare."
He shrugs, still frustrated, "Sure, let's go." He grabs my hand and starts pulling me out to the parking lot and towards his car.
His gorgeous, gorgeous car. We get in and he slowly maneuvers the car out of the lot and onto the road. It takes awhile to actually get out and to the house. We don't speak the entire time, but I realize that he must have taken me at my word when I told Ethan I'd be at the party.
But now I'm not so sure that he even wants me here. And that thought scares me more than I ever thought it could.
Chapter 10
He's still mad. He says he's fine, and that we're all good. But I'm not so sure.
We went up to his apartment for a while before people started to arrive for the party and we didn't speak much. I tried to ask him about the game and just make general conversation. But after a dozen or so one word answers, I gave up.
I guess I could have just gone home, but I didn't want to leave things like this between us. I'm not sure why, but the idea of him being angry with me just doesn't sit well. So, here I am sitting in the backyard of the frat house with Ricky and all his friends, and I just feel awkward.
I mean, people are super friendly and I've been chatting with a few sophomore girls who are also majoring in English Literature. But Ricky is still barely speaking to me and now I'm just getting pissed off. I understand in part why he's mad. I can tell that keeping this a secret is what bothers him. But apart from that I don't get it. It's like he's angry with me just for talking to Ethan, and that is a problem.
We need to talk about things, but he refuses, basically acting like a little kid not getting their way. And speaking of Ethan, this is probably the worst and best time for him to show up. He spots me almost right away and waves me over to where he's standing by the drinks table. I don't give it a second thought as I make my way towards him.
"Feeling sentimental," I joke, gesturing to the table of drinks. This is reminiscent of the first time we met, though I still don't remember it very well."
He gives me one of those full body laughs and says, "Oh for sure. How's the party so far, you having fun?"
"I guess," I say, shrugging off the question. I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling about Ricky. Because I'm confused about my conflicting feelings, so I try for a distraction.
"You played really great today. I don't understand too much about football, but even I could tell you were doing well."
"We really pulled it out today, yeah. I mean it was only the first game of the season, so for us it was more like a warm up. But we play a tougher team in two weeks."
He keeps talking, explaining about their upcoming games, and the position that he plays. Linebacker, something about helping with passing and backing up the line? I have no clue. But it's nice to just listen to someone else and not have to talk much. I've spent a large part of my evening having to make conversation and be sociable. With Ethan, I don't have to try so hard.
* * *
"So, what do you think," I hear Ethan ask me sometime later. And I realize that I've completely checked out of our conversation, my attention on Ricky.
"I'm sorry what?"
"I said would you want to grab dinner and see a movie sometime?"
"Oh, ummm," I trail off, not knowing exactly what to say. Is he asking me on a date, or is this a friend thing? Can I say yes and do I even want to?
My eyes wander again to Ricky, and I can see that he's watching me. He doesn't look angry, but the look on his face does make my stomach clench. Because he's got that dark look in his eye that makes me think he's imagining very dirty things. It's the look he was wearing the night we were together.
"Yeah, that sounds great,' I say, completely distracted. "Just text me sometime and we'll set it up. I'll talk to you later though OK?"
And if he gives me an answer, I don't hear it. I make my way slowly towards Ricky, coming to stand in front of him where he's sitting at a picnic table.
&n
bsp; The night air around us is warm and slightly muggy. My skin feels hot and being near Ricky only intensifies that. I lean into him, press my lips to his ear and whisper, "Take me to bed please Ricky. Even if you're still mad, take it out on me in bed. We can talk later."
I swear this man just steals my sanity, because I have never said anything like that before, to anyone. He reaches out a hand to grip my waist and pulls me even closer to him, still standing between his legs. I can feel his dick growing hard against my thigh and I have to bite back a whimper, because there are people all around us.
"Don't think you can get out of talking with me about this Diner Girl. I'll take you to my bed if that's what you want. I want that too. But, we will be talking about this."
"We'll talk baby, I promise," I don't wait for him to respond. I just grab his hand and step back from the table, pulling him with me. We weave our way through the crowded backyard, Ricky greeting a few people as we go, but my sole focus is on his hand in mine and making our way up to his apartment.
Once we get inside the house and through the door to his apartment stairs, it's like whatever control he had in front of everyone has snapped. He pushes me back against the closed door and lifts me up to wrap my legs around his waist. My body instantly wants to grind against him, but I hold back because I know that if I start, I won't stop.
He turns toward the stairs and when it looks like he's about to start climbing them, I start to panic a little bit.
"Wait, what are you doing," I practically shout. "You can't carry me up those stairs, what if you drop me?"
"Ouch, you wound me Tessa. Don't you trust me and my manly muscles. Just hold tight and close your eyes if you're so worried, you'll be fine." And with that he charges up the stairs with me clinging to his back and trying not to scream.
He's laughing the entire time and by the time we make it to the top I am too. It feels good to laugh with him again. I don't know exactly what's going on with me, but this little fight between us has really made me feel out of sorts.
We stumble a little when he gets the door open, but he doesn't even break stride as he walks us towards what I'm guessing is his bedroom.
Walking through the door, I'm assaulted by the scent of Ricky. His cologne and his soap. Something I've been thinking about since the last time I saw him. His bedroom is pretty typical make, or what I assume is typical. It's a decent size room with a queen size bed and matching dresser. There's a comfy looking chair in the corner covered in clothes. And there's some sports gear laying around the floor. But it looks pretty clean and smells amazing, so I'm happy.
He lays me out on the bed and then stands back and stares. I'm not shy about my body, but the way he's looking at me gives me butterflies.
"Why are you staring," I ask, a little breathless.
"You're beautiful, you know that? Even when you're driving me crazy with your rules and not wanting to be seen with me in public." He says all this as he comes closer and closer, and now he's grasping onto my leg to pull off my shoes. His fingers skimming my skin and driving me crazy.
"This is how you make me feel Tessa, crazy. Crazy, because what I feel for you is so strong. And I haven't known you for long at all. It scares me the way I feel, because you have the power to crush me and I don't think you even realize it."
"Ricky, I don't. Ummm I don't know what to say." I really don't know what to say, because I didn't want this. I didn't want him to have any real feelings for me, because those kinds of feelings have the power to hurt. And I don't want to be hurt. But me hurting him, I did not see that coming.
"Shhh," he says, putting a finger to my lips. "I know what this is Tessa, and I promise I'm happy to keep going this way if it's what you need. But I just wanted to be honest about how I feel. I wanted you to know that when or if you're ready, you could have a boyfriend, not just a friend with benefits."
I nod, because that's all I can manage. He's now moved up my body, his hands making their way towards the button on my jeans. He pulls it apart, exposing my stomach and the top of my underwear. I'm wearing my favorite pair, black cotton with little cherries all over them and black lace around the edges.
His fingers skim just beneath the lace before pulling my jeans off and tossing them over his shoulder. And he dips his head and his mouth is on me, right where I need him. Licking and sucking me through the fabric.
I'm not sure how long he does this, continuing to torture me without actually having his mouth against my skin. But eventually he must want more because he all but rips the fabric away and suddenly his tongue and his fingers are driving into me over and over. And I know the sounds I'm making must sound ridiculous, but I don't even care. My legs are shaking, my hips are shamelessly thrusting up into his face, and it feels so freaking good.
I come hard, and I can feel his low growl as he works me through the small shocks. He then pulls away and starts to quickly take off his clothes. He's been fully clothed the entire time. But now, I finally get to see him, all of him. And I know that the last time was no fluke. Because his body is pure sin.
I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, I mean he basically plays football for a living. He's not overly muscled, but just toned enough. His body is tight and tanned, he carries himself with a subtle confidence that just makes him even sexier.
He's standing over me, completely naked, staring at me like I'm a puzzle he can't solve. But he's determined to try. He climbs on the bed and moves up my body, kissing everywhere his lips can reach. And finally, finally he pushes into me, and it's so much better than before. Because every part of me is being touched by him, his weight, his scent, everything that's him is completely surrounding me. And at this moment, I never want this to end. I want to do this over and over and only with him. Because with him it feels like so much more than it ever has.
I pull his face to mine for a kiss. And I hope that he can feel, in that kiss, all the things that I'm too scared to say out loud. Because I think, despite my best efforts, that I am falling for Ricky.
Chapter 11
I wake up slowly. I can feel sunlight on my face and an arm slung over my stomach, and I know instantly where I am. And for some reason, that makes me smile.
I think it's because I've read so many books and seen so many movies with this kind of situation. Someone wakes up in their lover's bedroom and is always confused at first. I've never understood that, unless you're drunk you should probably make it a point to remember where you went to sleep the night before.
All this is to say that I remember I'm in Ricky's bed. And while that thought doesn't upset me, it does make me nervous. Because this is not a situation I necessarily wanted to be in. This is not the kind of relationship we have.
But last night, it felt different from any other time with anyone else, not that there have been many others. But this was absolutely different and I'm not sure how to feel. I know Ricky likes me and I really like him too. I admitted, at least to myself, that I'm falling for him.
Maybe if we agree not to label things… I mean it's not like we have to be boyfriend and girlfriend. He agreed to just sex, maybe sleepovers could be apart of that. Maybe we could date, but not make that specific commitment.
I know I sound crazy, again. And still I don't know why I'm trying so hard to make this anything but what I know he wants. Possibly what I want too. I don't know what I'm doing and it's exhausting. What's so wrong with being someone's girlfriend anyway?
Plus, I kind of like being here. I mean his bed's way more comfortable than mine and it's actually more quiet here than at the dorms.
I don't want to give him any ideas that this could be something permanent, because I doubt that it will be. But maybe we can come to another agreement, one where we date, but we take it very slow. And I do not want to be called his girlfriend. Of course this can only work if he doesn't completely dump my ass for making all of this so complicated.
"What are you thinking about so hard?"
His voice makes me jump a little, I hadn'
t realized he was awake, I was so caught up in my thoughts. I turn my head to glance at him. His face is pressed into his pillow like he's trying to block out the light.
"Total honesty," I ask, because I'm not sure he'll like what I was thinking.
"Yes please, I always want honesty from you babe." And now he turns to look at me, absolutely adorable with his rumpled hair and sleepy eyes.
"I was thinking that me spending the night makes me nervous. I feel like that's venturing into relationship territory."
So that's not exactly what I was thinking at that moment, but this is definitely an issue for me. And I think for now this is enough. I'll broach the other issue eventually, when we're both a little more alert.
He pulls me over to him, laying my head on his chest and letting out a big sigh.
"I'm sorry. I know I'm being ridiculous."
"Hey, no you're not Tessa. You have every right to feel whatever you want to feel. And I know that you know you don't need me to tell you that. But I do think you're not being honest with yourself about why you feel this way."
I look up at him and he's watching me with concern in his eyes. 'You mean Jackson?"
He nods, "Yes. I think he really hurt you when he ended things the way he did. You trusted him with everything you had and he basically destroyed that trust. I just wonder if you don't want to admit how much he hurt you."
I try to hold back my tears, because I know what he's saying is true. And that's frustrating.
"I don't want him to have any power over me you know? So I feel like if I set the rules and do things my way, I'm in control."
"You are Tessa. I'm never going to talk you into anything or make you do something you're not comfortable with. It's like I said last night. If or when you're ready I'd like to talk about us. But really I just want you to be happy."