by J C Carter
I look each of them in the eye, giving them a small nod as I do, but I don't say anything. I understand where they're coming from and I'm glad they're sticking up for Ricky. But I don't owe either of them an explanation and I just want to get to Ricky.
I turn and basically sprint out of the house, heading for the bus stop. They run pretty frequently and even more so when people will be out late on the weekends. Someone somewhere must be looking out for me, because a bus pulls up to the stop as soon as I reach it.
The trip to the frat house feels like it takes forever, though I'm sure it only takes ten minutes tops. I'm one of only a few people on the bus, so I'm able to get off quickly. I run block to the house and make my way to the side door that leads to the apartment.
It's unlocked, which makes me both happy and anxious, because Ricky always remembers to lock it. The fact that he didn't tells me he was very distracted. Or very upset. I'm guessing both. With that thought in mind, I climb the stairs to his door very slowly, bracing myself for an outcome I may not like.
I stand in front of his door and try to calm my racing heart. I wipe my face, smooth my hair down, and take a deep steadying breath. Then I raise my hand and knock.
Chapter 19
It feels like I stand there for an eternity while I wait for him to answer the door.
But I know it only takes a few seconds. He stares at me and after a beat, he waves me inside. I let out a sigh of relief, because I fully expected him to slam the door in my face. I walk to the middle of the living room and then turn to face him. I hate this tension and awkwardness between us. I hate that I'm the one who put it there.
He lets out a sigh, sounding exhausted and says, "Just say what you came to say and then leave. I'm sure it's nothing I haven't heard from you before. But I just want to make something clear before you start. I have zero interest in any kind of relationship with you anymore. Unless something changes."
I expect him to let me talk then. To apologize and tell him how much of an idiot I've been, how much I love him. But I think now that he's started talking he just needs to get it all out. Needs to vent about all the ways I've hurt him and how bad I've made him feel, because he keeps on going.
"I told you I loved you Tessa. I freaking told you I loved you and you disappeared. And the next time I see you, you completely blow me off and then try to leave with another guy? What the hell is that about? I've tried to understand you and I've tried to be patient. And I think I've done a pretty good job of that, but I'm tired. I'm so tired of fighting against you to make us work.
"Look, maybe you expected me to be more of a "dude" about this and just walk away, but I want this Tessa. I want this, you and me for as long as you'll have me. But I don't want this if you're not committed. You can't keep treating me like I'm some kind of bad habit. I thought we were good, when I was in the hospital we talked. I went to Thanksgiving dinner at your house, I met your family. Why would you agree to that if you were just going to leave me?"
I've been sitting here on his bed for a half hour listening to him talk. He's not quite yelling, but he's gotten close a few times. I'm honestly still surprised he let me in the door, but he did and so I figured he deserved a chance to get everything off his chest.
I know I've put him through a lot these past few months. And while I don't regret choosing to begin a relationship with him, even one based on just sex, I do regret the way I strung him along.
I let him keep believing I never wanted anything more than sex at first, even when it started to become something more. And then after his accident, when we decided to give us a real try I still kept some of that wall between us.
And when he told me he loved me, I panicked. I panicked, because I knew this was the real deal. So I do the only thing I can think of that will make him hear me.
"Ricky," I say in a soft and timid voice, because I'm terrified right now, but I press on when he looks over at me. "I love you. I love you so much and that really scares me, but I want this too. I want you, and I am so very sorry."
I'm completely caught off guard when he crosses the room in one quick second and scoops me up into his arms. I expected him to yell some more, to not believe what I was saying. I expected that he would need time and more convincing. What I did not expect was for him to believe those words immediately.
But maybe he could see the truth in my eyes. Maybe he could see how scared I was, but that I was determined to be brave for us. So that we could finally do this thing right. So yes, I’m very surprised when he crushes his lips to mine so fiercely it's almost painful, but I relish in the feeling, because a week away from him has felt like an eternity.
He pushes my body onto the bed and I grab at his hair to pull him closer. Our tongues tangle together and I take everything he's giving me with his mouth. I want to show him with my body how much I love him, so I press every part of me against him, feeling his dick against my leg. He moans when I palm it through his sweats and give it a firm squeeze.
This is one of my favorite things to do, using my hands on him like this. He loves it and it makes me feel so powerful. But he doesn't let me keep that up for too long, because soon he's flipping us over and sliding inside of me with little preamble. I'm certainly not complaining though, because I've missed this, missed him.
It doesn't take long for us both to reach that peak and when we're done he pulls me into his chest so tightly, like he never wants to let go. I never want him too, so I cling to him, and it feels so good to be back in his arms again that I have to shed a few tears.
He rubs soothing circles on naked skin of my back, whispering soothing words as I let everything out. Once I feel calm enough I head to the bathroom to clean myself up and then crawl back into bed. Ricky cleans himself up as well and then goes to grab snacks and drinks. We settle in, getting comfortable so that we can talk a little more.
"So," he starts tentatively, "Nothing happened with Ethan?"
"No, I swear. I regretted leaving with him almost instantly. And please don't be mad at him, he was just trying to be there for me in the only way I would let him. I totally took advantage of his feelings for me and I feel awful about that."
"I could never hate the guy for liking you, I mean I totally understand that," he says with a laugh and a smile. "But I am a little annoyed that he would try to hook up with you so soon after things went down."
I nod, "I understand that. I just don't want this to cause any trouble between you guys. Or with the team."
"I'll be cool if he is, I promise."
"Thank you, I appreciate that," I say, giving him a kiss to let him know how much I mean it.
"So, how've you been? It's been awhile since we last talked."
It's only been a couple weeks, but it feels like so much longer.
"Well I've been pretty miserable without you babe if I'm being honest. But aside from that things are pretty normal. Except, my mom has been reaching out to me again."
I can tell he's not thrilled by that, but the fact that he told me about it is huge for him. "Have you thought about responding?"
"At first no, but the more I thought about it the more I felt like I should. Not having you in my life definitely made me rethink the situation. And if my mom is truly trying to get better, I want to try and support her. She says she's been clean for awhile now and going to AA meetings. That's a pretty big step."
"It is. So what are you thinking?
"Well, I was gonna give her a call tomorrow and see how she'd feel about me visiting for Christmas. And I was thinking," he says quietly as he grabs my hand, "maybe you'd like to come with me?"
"I'd love to," I say as I give him a big goofy grin. We spend the rest of the night just relaxing in bed while he tells me all about his mom and his childhood. It all sounds so picturesque. Mom, dad, and their only child. They took family trips, went all out for every holiday, and even had scheduled family time. It was perfect, until it wasn't, which is why it hit his mom so hard.
My heart breaks for
him when he tells me that his father now has a new family. He basically started all over and forgot about them. He tells me that's another reason he started playing football. So that someday he could go pro and make something of himself. His father made him feel like he was nothing, like he didn't matter, and he's determined to prove him wrong. He imagines that someday his father will see him playing pro ball and realize what a mistake he made.
I recognize these as the hopes of a young and lonely boy. But I do hope they happen. I hope someday Ricky realizes that he is nothing like his father. I'm certain of that.
Eventually he falls asleep in my arms. We stopped talking a while ago and just enjoyed the comfortable silence. It's been such a long time since I've felt so at peace that it almost feels weird. I'm always on the move, always planning, always thinking. But Ricky has taught me the beauty of living in the moment. And right now, looking at him, that's all I want to do.
Chapter 20
It's almost Christmas time. The campus is covered in snow, the good kind, the fresh, light, fluffy stuff.
This is one of my favorite times of the year. The world is cold and quiet, and people are filled with hope for the future.
Ok now I know that probably sounds corny, but it's true. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. The clothes, the weather, and I've always loved giving gifts. This year, it's even better, because today we're visiting Ricky's mom.
It's not going to be the easiest thing we'll ever do, but I think it's important. He hasn't seen his mom since he left for college and after he told me she's reached out several times, I thought now would be a good time. Ricky was reluctant at first, but he says with me there it might not be so bad.
We're on our way there now. It's a little over two hours to his mom's house and we've just gotten started. It's been an interesting and busy few weeks and I am so ready to have the next few weeks off. The night after we made up, we met everyone at the diner for breakfast, his friends and mine. I filled Bronte in on what happened and the little brat had the nerve to say I told you so about Ethan. Why am I friends with her again?
Jesse and Aaron apologized, though I assured them that they didn't need to. I'm pretty sure they got an earful later that day for yelling at me. Lena and Alex insisted that we make the breakfast a weekly thing and that next time they should invite more cute football players.
We managed to survive finals week. Though I basically lived on coffee and no sleep. Ricky was glad to be off football for a while. They lost their last game, so the season ended on a low note. But he's meeting with a possible agent and some recruiters who are positive he'll be an early draft pick next year.
We make it to Ricky's mom's in time for dinner since we were able to leave earlier than planned. And I am so damn nervous, though I'm trying to hide it. I just want this to go OK for the both of them. When we go up to the door and knock I can tell he's nervous too.
The door opens and I could swear I'm looking at Ricky's twin, because he looks so much like his mother.
"Hey mom," he says, some of the nerves slipping through to his voice.
"Hi son. It's so good to see you." They stare at each other for a few seconds before she turns her gaze to me, giving me a friendly smile. "And you must be Tessa? It's so nice to meet you. Come in, come in."
"It's nice to meet you too Mrs. Watson. Thank you for having me in your home."
"Oh, call me Tanya sweetie please," she says as she leads us into the house.
It's beautiful, and huge. There's a large entryway that on one side leads to a grand staircase and on the other what looks to be a game room.
"You can leave your bags by the stairs for now. I thought we'd give Tessa a quick tour before dinner."
Ricky nods and sets out bags down before taking my hand and pulling me along after his mom. We go down a short hallway that leads off to the kitchen and living room, It's an open concept space so you can see everything. There's a gorgeous backyard with a deck for entertaining, and a finished basement with a bar and huge TV.
Upstairs has five bedrooms. The master for Tanya, Ricky's room, which has a queen sized bed thank goodness, an office, a guest bedroom, and a workout room. It's really a beautiful home. It must have been a great home to grow up in, at least for a time.
After the tour we sit down in the kitchen for dinner, stuffed shells and garlic breadsticks, Ricky's favorite apparently. I assume Ricky and his mom will start talking about things, but instead she starts asking about me.
"So Tessa, tell me about yourself. I want to know all about the girl who's captured my son's heart."
"Well, I'm a freshman, so I'm really just starting out you know. But I'm 19, I grew up with my mom and sister, and I was born and raised here in the Midwest. Not too much that's exciting about me."
"Tessa wants to be a book editor someday mom and she reads more than anyone I've ever met. Our first date was basically me following her around the bookstore while she filled my arms up with piles."
"Hey," I cry out, feeling a little indignant. "You said you liked doing that."
He gives me a smile and leans in to kiss my cheek. "I did babe, I promise. I'm just teasing you."
We're sort of lost in each other so we don't notice Tanya staring at us with something like shock on her face.
"What," Ricky asks, looking confused.
And she actually starts to cry as she says, "Nothing. It's just I haven't seen you look this happy in such a long time. Oh Ricky, I'm so sorry, for everything." She puts her head in her hands and starts to sob.
At first, Ricky doesn't seem to know what to do. But eventually he goes over and pulls his mom into his arms. I decide to give them some space and go to put away my things in Ricky's room.
After an hour or so he joins me, looking exhausted but happy.
"How'd it go? How's your mom?"
"Good and good. It's going to take more than one conversation to heal years of hurt. But tonight I think we took that difficult first step. She apologized for not being there for me when I needed her most. And I apologized for completely cutting her off, though she says she understands why I did."
"I'm glad you guys cleared some air already and I'm sure you'll have plenty more opportunities over the next couple of days."
He gives me a soft kiss and then goes off to shower. I'm already in bed and ready for sleep since I had some time to kill and I'm exhausted. So much so that by the time Ricky gets into bed, I'm already asleep.
* * *
It's the perfect Christmas morning, bright and cold and beautiful. I video call mom and Ally first thing since this is my first Christmas without them. Though Ricky and I will see them for New Years. He's already downstairs with his mom, making breakfast and getting ready to open presents.
Between Ricky and his mom I've got about a dozen gifts, but they're mostly books so I won't protest. I got Ricky some nice sweatshirts that he pretends not to like, but secretly I know he likes. He'll need them for all those fancy meetings he'll be attending. And we got Ricky's mom a sketch pad and some pencils, because he told me she always used to draw.
After presents and breakfast Ricky decides to take me on a tour of the town. It's a cute little country town, so different from the bigger city where I grew up. There's only one main street and each business is locally owned. It's the kind of place where everyone either knows you or knows of you.
He shows me where he went to elementary, middle, and high school. We walk past the park where his family used to go for picnics and he points out the place where he learned to ride a bike for the first time. It's like each place shows me a little bit more of who he was and who he is.
And finally he takes me to what he says is his favorite place in the world. It's a very small park near his house, more like a random grove of trees than a park. There's one big tree in the middle that he leads me towards and when we're standing under it you actually can't see anything but the other trees around you. It's the perfect hiding place.
"I used to come here a
ll the time, right up until the day I left for college. I'd climb that big branch there," he says pointing above our heads, "and just sit and read, or draw, or listen to music. It was my safe place."
"It's beautiful here Ricky. Thank you for showing it to me."
He steps closer, pulling my face into his hands. "I wanted to bring you here Tessa, because I want you to know that things have changed. This used to be where I'd go when life was too hard. But now I have you. You're my safe place."
I lean forward to capture his lips in a soft kiss, because I realize that this is all I've ever really wanted. To be loved and to love someone this way. Who knows what our future holds? There will definitely be some things to figure out, some decisions to be made. But I know that together we can make it through anything.
Epilogue
Three and a half years later
Today's the big day. The day that seemed like it would never come. But here I am, about to graduate from college.
It hasn't been easy and my college experience has been anything but typical. Still, I wouldn't change a thing.
After that visit to Ricky's mother three years ago, things have been good and steady between the two of us. The next year and a half that we were in school together was perfect. I mean of course we had stupid arguments and stressful times. But we were happy, pursuing our dreams together.
Things chained a lot once Ricky graduated and we both had some big decisions to make. He was drafted to a team in New York, which meant that he would be pretty far away from me for a large chunk of the year. I think those months apart tested us more than anything. And there were times I wasn't sure if we were doing the right thing.
But, we both knew we were committed to each other and to making things work. So, we decided that once I graduated I would join Ricky in New York. We made tons of trips back and forth for the last few years and in that time we've really started to plan a life for ourselves after I was done with school.