“I got a job. I sold my car and bought a less expensive model.” That explained the modest sedan in his driveway. “I also sold a lot of clothes and jewelry. Added to your monthly checks for Luke and I did okay. I found that I didn’t really need all that much money to live. We don’t go out much or anything.”
“A job? A job?” Hank repeated, sure he must have heard her incorrectly. Alyssa had never worked a day in her entire life. At least not at a paid job. She’d done countless volunteer things for charity but a real live job?
No way.
“I can see I’ve shocked you. Good.” She was smiling now and showing off those dimples in her cheeks he used to trace with his tongue. Maybe it was better when she was frowning and mad at him. “I used my degree in business and got a job in the office at Luke’s school. I worked while he was in class and then he came and hung out with me until quitting time.”
He had forgotten she had an unused college degree that was obtained before they met. She’d graduated Magna Cum Laude so he knew she was smart.
“I guess I am pretty shocked. You never wanted a career before.”
What else had she wanted and never discussed? He was beginning to feel like this woman in his kitchen was an impostor.
Alyssa stood and came to stand in front of him, taking his hands in hers. He felt a shock of electricity run through him as her skin touched his. It had been over a year since he had felt his wife this closely and he didn’t like the way he was reacting.
He wouldn’t go through it all again. After all this time, he felt nothing for her. Nothing at all.
“I didn’t have a clue what I wanted before. I let Mom and Dad orchestrate my life, and you got run over in the process. But I’ve finally figured things out, Hank. I know what I’ve done wrong and what I need to make me happy. Being Luke’s mother has changed everything for me. Things are going to be different from now on.”
She was smiling like everything was okay and it was far from it. Hank stepped back jerking his hands away. He needed to get her out of this house. Now.
“I’m happy for you, Alyssa,” he rasped before turning back to watch Luke playing with Hershey in the living room, cartoons blaring from the television. “It’s about time.”
“Long past time,” she replied dryly before glancing at her watch. “I checked your pantry and fridge and there isn’t a lot there. I probably need to make a trip to the store before the day gets away from me.”
Hank frowned and started rinsing the dishes. “Luke and I will just eat at the diner tonight. I’ve got cereal for breakfast and he’ll eat lunch at my mom’s while I’m at work.”
She simply smiled and gently pushed him away from the sink so she could start loading the dishwasher. “There won’t be any need to put Alice out watching Luke. As for dinner, I’m making a pot roast with carrots and potatoes. Little boys have a hard time sitting still in restaurants.”
“You’re going to be here for dinner?” His voice came out a little strangled and he tried to hide his horror at the thought of her staying all day. They needed to discuss the divorce but shit…all day?
She nodded, her expression completely serene. “Of course I’ll be here for dinner. I’m home, Hank. Home to stay.”
Chapter Two
The last several hours hadn’t exactly been a cake walk.
After Alyssa had delivered her bombshell, she’d grabbed her purse and keys and headed for the grocery store. She didn’t want to get into a long and contentious conversation with Hank at that moment.
Of course the discussion was inevitable. She would have to explain everything when Luke went to sleep. And she wanted to do just that. She wanted to explain how everything had gone wrong, and how desperately she wanted to put things right.
How much she loved him.
And she did love Hank Dixon. She might have forgotten it for awhile, and maybe briefly thought her life would be better without him, but it hadn’t been in the least. She’d missed him from the moment she driven away from this house vowing to never return. Being apart from him had been like missing a part of herself and a hundred times as painful.
She had come back older, wiser, and determined to give their marriage a second chance. Now all she had to do was convince Hank she was serious. That she had truly changed.
They had made innocuous small talk during the day and through dinner, but it was Luke’s bedtime now. Their discussion couldn’t be put off much longer.
“Put on your pajamas. Don’t you dare run around naked, young man.” Her son had that adorable yet mischievous expression she had come to know so well. Just looking at his dark hair and eyes, his little chin a smaller version of Hank’s, made her heart ache with love. She’d never really been away from her husband. She’d had his mini-me with her at all times. The two of them were her whole world.
Luke’s eyes lit up with the challenge, his smile wide. Alyssa pushed herself from the floor ready to take after him but the door to the bathroom swung open and Hank swung the wriggling little boy into his arms.
“You weren’t going to streak through the house, were you? I thought you’d outgrown that habit.” The deep timbre of Hank’s voice sent a shiver through her body. It had been so long since she’d been this close to him, and she wished she looked better. More attractive, and less like, well…a mom. She loved being Luke’s mother and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but she looked different than the woman Hank had married. Hell, she felt different too.
Her hips were wider and her breasts were fuller and no longer as perky. She’d never had six pack abs but now her stomach was softer with faint silver lines running across it. A few wrinkles were starting to form at the corners of her eyes and damned if she wasn’t exhausted pretty much all the time. It didn’t help that she had trouble sleeping without her big strong husband next to her. Single parenting a small boy filled with more energy than dynamite would have worn out even the most well-rested parent.
“He likes to show off,” Alyssa replied, even though the question had been directed to her son. “I know where he gets it, and it’s not from me.”
Hank had never had a modest bone in his body from the first time they’d made love. He’d walk around without a stitch of clothing on, completely unconcerned. Not that she’d complained. He’d been like a Greek statue, a study in male beauty with muscles that shifted and bunched under his tan skin when he moved. How many times had she watched fascinated as he’d levered up from the bed after they’d made love, naked as the day he was born?
Her husband had only grown more handsome as the years had passed. A few more touches of grey were at his temples but his stomach was still as hard and flat and his shoulders still as wide in his uniform. The lines around his eyes simply made him look more interesting and attractive.
Dammit. She needed every ounce of allure she could call upon to help her cause. She needed to convince Hank that she loved him. Needed him. That they belonged together.
“I’ll get him in his pajamas. Then we’ll have a story, won’t we, buddy?”
Hank had tried to avoid talking to her as much as possible today. It was as if he pretended she wasn’t here, he wouldn’t have to deal with her in any way. She wasn’t about to make it that easy on him. She was determined to repair their marriage. Being the cause of most of the problems, it was up to her to make things right.
“I want the puppy story, Daddy.” Luke’s excited voice could be easily heard through the walls where Hank was helping his son choose between Iron Man and Captain America jammies. “Can I have two stories tonight?”
Whatever Hank’s answer was, she couldn’t hear it. She swiftly cleaned up the bathroom and headed down the hall to Luke’s room, decorated in blue and green dinosaurs. It was one of the first things she’d done when he left his crib for a big boy bed. Even now the memories made her throat tight with emotion. He was growing up so fast. It seemed only yesterday she’d rocked him to sleep in front of the fireplace.
“Where’s the
rocker that was in the living room?” Hank and Luke were sitting on the bed, the lamp from the bedside table illuminating a semi-circle around them. Hershey was lying on the rug next to them but he jumped up and wagged his tail at her entrance.
Hank looked up from the book that Luke was reading out loud, his expression blank. “It’s gone.”
“Gone? Where?” She’d had a local craftsman make that chair by hand. She’d rocked her newborn son in it the day they’d brought him home from the hospital.
“I gave it away.” Hank’s voice was flat and clearly it wasn’t up for discussion.
Now. But they would discuss it.
Alyssa bristled with anger at his high-handedness. “I guess we can talk about it later.”
“There’s nothing to discuss.” His gaze was level, his dark eyes hard. “I can handle story time.”
She was being dismissed. How charming. What Hank didn’t know was she wasn’t planning to allow him to do that to her. She opened her mouth to sweetly reply but her son beat her to it.
“I want all of us to sit on the bed, Daddy. Like we used to.” Luke’s plaintive tone cut through the tension between Alyssa and her estranged husband.
God bless the little ones. They said what adults wouldn’t say out loud.
“I love this book. Go on, sweetheart,” she urged as she settled on the bed, the Lab at her feet. Avoiding Hank’s eyes, she instead kept her attention on her son who was carefully reading the book about a shelter puppy finding a forever home. By the time they tucked him in and kissed him goodnight, an observer could have cut the tension with a knife.
She followed him into the living room, shutting her son’s door behind her in case their discussion got loud. She didn’t want to argue with Hank but he may not give her any choice. She could feel the waves of anger coming off of him. He was not happy about the turn of events.
Hank went straight to the refrigerator, grabbing himself a beer. He didn’t offer her one but instead sat on the couch. His expression was forbidding and if she hadn’t seen the softer side of her husband, Alyssa might have backed down.
“I want you to leave in the morning.” Hank’s voice was harsh and she had to hide her wince at his words. She needed to put on her big girl panties and deal with things. It probably wasn’t the last time Hank would be this way before things were patched up between them.
Alyssa sat down on the overstuffed armchair across from him so she could see his face when she spoke. “I’m not going anywhere, Hank. I’m tired of running away. We have a marriage and a son. It’s up to us to be the grownups here. I know you’re mad and I don’t blame you. But I’m here to apologize and try to make this work.”
Hank jumped to his feet and placed his hand on the stones of the mantel, unhappiness in every line of his body.
“Nice of you to acknowledge that I have a reason to be angry. When did you realize that, Lis? When did you realize I was right?”
She was finally getting past that brittle facade he’d placed between them. He didn’t even realize he’d called her “Lis”, a nickname he only used when he was in a loving or passionate mood. It gave her the first glimmer of hope she’d had all day.
“I realized it about nine months ago during the preparations for Caroline’s wedding. I saw how my parents were manipulating her and Mark. Suddenly everything became so clear to me.”
“Nine months ago?” He swung around and took a few steps toward her. “If everything was so fucking clear then why have I not had a wife all this time? Can you explain that?”
His jaw jutted out aggressively but Alyssa knew he would never hurt her in a million years. Hank was all bark and no bite. Tonight he was angry as hell, and for good reason. But she knew this man. Once he had his say, he would be apologizing.
“I had to grow up, Hank. Please understand. I had to separate from my parents and it was so painful.” It was difficult to describe the months of emotional blackmail she’d been subjected to. “Despite being a grown woman when we met, I was naive. I thought Mom and Dad could do no wrong. Finding out they were exactly as you described was a shock. I knew they liked their own way but I never thought they would go to such extremes. They managed to get Caroline to promise she and Mark would move into the estate. Everyone but Caroline could see Mark wasn’t happy. It was as if I was watching a movie of you and me. It made me sick to my stomach, honestly.”
Hank laughed but it wasn’t an amused sound. “Let me guess. Jim convinced Mark to come work for the family firm?”
Alyssa rubbed her temples, the beginning of a headache starting to bloom. “Dad convinced Caroline, and Caroline convinced Mark. When I moved out, I told her she was crazy to let it continue. I told her she had to choose between her husband or Mom and Dad.”
“You chose your parents.” Hank’s flat statement was filled with a world of hurt. She wished desperately that she could soothe it away, take it inside of herself so he could be at peace.
She blinked at the tears filling her eyes, knowing this was the biggest mistake she’d made.
“At the time? Yes.” She wrapped her arms around her torso, trying to bring herself some comfort and assuage the raw pain and fear deep inside. “Now? You and Luke come first. Always. I will always choose you, Hank. I promise. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.”
Her husband turned toward the front window, his back to her. “I’d like to believe you.”
“But you can’t.” Her throat was tight and she had to choke back a sob.
“I can’t,” Hank replied flatly, finally turning toward her, his face carved from granite. “It’s too late.”
She pressed her trembling lips together and the tears she’d been trying to hide spilled over and down her cheeks. They just kept hurting one another. She had to break this cycle once and for all. Instead of lashing out she scrubbed at her wet face.
“I understand why you would think that, but I don’t agree. I’m here and I’m not going to give up on making us a family again. I’ve made mistakes and I don’t deny that. But I love you, Hank. You can push me away, but I’ll just keep coming back.”
“You don’t know what love is.” Hank’s face had gone pale when she’d declared her love. “You think love is cars and jewelry.”
Alyssa stood but didn’t move toward the man she loved, scared he might step further away. She couldn’t take any more of that. “I don’t think I ever thought that was love, although I had a pretty fucked up idea of it. I think I thought that if you loved me you would do everything I wanted. It sounds so stupid now saying it out loud like that, but I didn’t have the greatest role models in the world. But being a mom now, well, I know that love means giving more than you get. I know it’s about making someone else happy. I’m ready to do that. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to make you happy, Hank. Name it.”
“You want to make me happy, Alyssa? Then leave. Just go. There’s nothing for you here.”
Hank turned on his heel and stomped out of the house into the night. She stood as if made of stone while the tears slid down her cheeks. She still didn’t move when she heard his truck start up and back out of the driveway or when her knees gave out and she fell to the floor, her body wracked with sobs she couldn’t control.
Eventually the crying stopped and she pushed herself to her feet, feeling suddenly very cold and stiff. It had been a long time since she’d let go of her emotions that way. It had all been building up and she was glad she had let it all out. She had to toughen up if she was going to get through this. Hank was going to keep pushing her away until he felt he could trust her again. If she fell apart at every little thing she was going to be crying all the time.
She padded back to the master bedroom where she’d unpacked earlier, resolve stiffening her spine. Hank had been so preoccupied he hadn’t seemed to notice she’d moved back in lock, stock, and barrel. Entering the bath, she stripped off her clothes and headed straight for the shower. When he came home, he’d find his loving wife in bed waiting for her husband.
/> Chapter Three
Hank swung out of his friend Tom’s truck, trying not to make too much noise. It was one o’clock in the morning and Hank’s neighbors would be fast asleep. They wouldn’t appreciate a slightly inebriated man coming home, slamming vehicle doors, tripping over garbage cans, and making a general racket.
“Thanks for the ride, man. I owe you.”
“You’ve done the same for me. See you tomorrow.” Tom Strack was a good man and a fellow deputy. Still single, he partied a couple of nights a week. Luckily for Hank, tonight Tom had been the designated driver for a few friends. He’d gladly offered Hank a ride when he’d said he was going to call a taxi.
Trying to be quiet, Hank unlocked the front door cautiously hoping Alyssa wasn’t waiting up for him. He’d had several beers but he still wasn’t in the mood to rehash the past or forgive and forget. It hurt too much, and she shouldn’t expect to waltz in here, say she was sorry, and have everything forgiven. It didn’t fucking work that way.
The living room was completely dark and deserted. He tossed his keys on the kitchen table and headed back to the bedroom. He was tired and he needed some shut eye. He had to be on duty in seven hours.
He flipped on the light and the lump in his bed stirred and groaned. “Damn, Hank.” Alyssa sat up in bed and rubbed at her eyes. “Will you turn the overhead light off? I’ll turn the bedside lamp on low.”
She snapped on the light but he didn’t hit the wall switch. His body had responded in its usual way when he’d seen his beautiful wife in his king-sized bed, a place she hadn’t been in a very long time. He gritted his teeth and pushed those feelings ruthlessly away. He would not become helpless to his libido. He was in control here. After all, she’d admitted her feelings but he’d said nothing. For the first time, he had the upper hand.
“I thought you would sleep in Luke’s room.”
She was still blinking at the bright light. “He’s getting too big to share a full-sized bed. Besides, I’m your wife, Hank. This is where I belong. I love you.” Her voice had gone very soft at the end and he steeled himself against her allure. He would not weaken.
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