by Jean Kwok
After they’d left, I found myself pacing around the reception area, unable to concentrate enough even to practice. Maybe Lisa had cancer. She could even die. My mind flinched away from the thought of a world without my little sister in it. I remembered a man who was one of Uncle Henry’s patients in the brief period I worked there. He’d had a tumor on the skin of his shoulder and didn’t have any insurance so he couldn’t get it treated. The tumor was already huge by the time he came to Uncle Henry. One day, he’d run into the office with his shirt wet and bleeding, clutching a towel against it, because the tumor had burst. I didn’t know what happened to him but I was pretty sure it wasn’t anything good, and all because he wasn’t insured.
Why was Pa wasting all of our money on Uncle Henry and the Vision? But deep inside, I knew the truth. Even if we’d saved everything he’d spent so far, we wouldn’t have enough. At least I had Jason now, who would be able to narrow down the tests so we had a chance of affording the treatment. I wondered how much more I could start saving, how quickly I might have enough. It could take years.
—
Much as I enjoyed watching Mateo give Cuban motion lessons to Ryan, I was usually being taught by Nina at the same time. Now that all of the choreography had been set, Nina went over every bit of it with me, step by step. After Dominic finished teaching us the number, my head had been spinning. It was only for a few minutes of dance but the amount of information we had to remember was tremendous. For every second we danced, I had to make so many notes to myself: keep the shoulders down, neck long, arms out, turn the hips more to the side, arch the back, get ready for the next step. The mambo was beautiful: romantic, sexy and very difficult. But the lifts—which now included several different approaches as well as lifted turns—were a struggle.
Nina alternated between doing my part and Ryan’s, depending on what I needed to work on, although she didn’t lift me. At the beginning, she’d given me tips throughout the entire lesson but sometimes, like today, we started chatting while we practiced.
“So, you’re never going to date again? Stay alone the rest of your life?” My voice was interrupted by my head whipping from side to side as she led me into a series of double-speed crossovers.
“What’s wrong with that?”
We froze into a holding position for a few beats, both hands down while the music pulsed behind us.
“Look at me, I have a list of issues a mile long.” Nina spun around and turned me at the same time so that we both did spiral turns, ending up side by side. On the beat, we began a series of forward walks parallel to each other, hips swiveling. “No regular guy’s going to come near me. I’m a single mother, I’m constantly gnawing on something. If I ever got my hands on chewing tobacco, I’d probably be spitting it out on the ballroom floor. I’m the most manlike girl there is.”
I laughed out loud. “Ridiculous. You’re gorgeous. When I first met you, I couldn’t stop staring at you because of the way you looked.”
She made a face. “Come on. You were amazed by my sagging titties. Take a look.” Nina stopped dancing and pulled down the elastic neckline of her peasant shirt, revealing her black lacy bra.
“Nina!” I looked around. Ryan and Mateo were now both staring at us. Even Dominic, Simone and Keith had stopped their coaching session to watch. Dominic made a little tsking motion with his hands at Nina, although he was smiling. “Can’t you take a compliment?”
Mateo slapped Ryan on the side of his head and they started working again. It seemed like they were talking about positioning for lifts now, which looked pretty funny since Mateo found plenty of reasons for Ryan to be the girl so Mateo could put his hands all over him. Still, I had the feeling they were becoming friends.
Simone and Keith had already resumed their rumba. Sexy, restrained and elegant: it was the perfect dance for them and they already did it superbly. Dominic was walking around them, correcting Keith’s arms. They didn’t have any lifts but they had technique and style. The only flaw to me was that Simone always looked a bit too impeccable, as if she were posing for a camera. I preferred Nina, who danced with her heart and soul.
—
I practiced dancing whenever I was free, and when I couldn’t do that, I worked on my body with stretches, sit-ups and push-ups. I was so grateful I no longer had to answer phones or use a computer or fill in agendas for other people. This was work I could do. I’d always been lean but my musculature became more defined. I became stronger and more flexible than I’d ever been, and I could feel the difference when I danced with Ryan. When it worked, it was like we were two halves of the same person. I felt free and strong, beautiful and courageous, capable of anything. I could lose myself in the dancing and know that he’d be there to catch me when I needed him.
Although Ryan and I sometimes argued, I had to respect him. We were both covered in sweat after one of our sessions, but he was the one who had to pick me up repeatedly. I felt guilty when I made a mistake and he’d have to do it again. My body wasn’t always in the right place at the right time, I forgot to arch, I whacked him on the head with my arm but he never complained. He just accepted that it was his job to lift me in addition to his own dancing. His Cuban motion had improved, although it wasn’t anything to write home about. At least his hips looked like they matched mine. And I appreciated that he always came on time and worked hard without complaining.
Now that it was April, Ryan’s work days were becoming longer and sometimes he had to return to the landscaping firm after our lessons. He often came to the studio in his workman’s pants and boots again, changing into regular shoes before he danced with me. I didn’t tell him that I loved seeing him in his gardener’s outfit. He always smelled of earth and greenery then, his body strong underneath the rough clothing.
One afternoon, I saw Ryan walk in behind me, reflected in the mirror. He was early today. He quietly sat down at one of the tables by the edge of the dance floor and I averted my eyes, pretending I hadn’t seen him. I focused on myself in the mirror and whipped off a turn to the right, spotting myself. Good, now a single turn to the left. Both clean turns, now the double turns. I stared myself in the eyes and did a double to the right, then a double to the left. Great, now that we’re warmed up, how about a triple to the right? One, two, three. Ryan just sat there and watched me with his intent gaze.
—
Irene interrupted us during our lesson. We were in the middle of a tango oversway where Ryan had just gone from a backward pivot turn to arching me back in his arms.
Irene tapped him on the shoulder. “There’s a phone call for Charlie. The girl says it’s an emergency.”
When I gasped, I broke my position, which threw my entire body out of balance. I floundered.
“Whoa,” said Ryan, steadying me. He put me back on my feet. “Take it—”
I’d already raced into the reception area to pick up the phone. The only person who knew I worked at the studio was Lisa.
“Charlie?” Her voice sounded much younger and higher on the phone.
“Are you all right?”
She started to sniff. “School was over and I didn’t feel okay enough to go to Uncle’s office. I’m sorry, Charlie. I just couldn’t do it today.”
“Are you sick? What happened?”
“I lost feeling in my legs again.” Her voice was thin and scared. “The teacher became alarmed in science class but I told her I’d hurt my ankle. Then it went away and I could walk out, so I did. Please don’t make me go to the office today, I feel too bad.”
I didn’t know what to do. Lisa’s school was in Chinatown. It would be the smartest thing to make her go to Uncle’s office but to tell them she couldn’t work today. At least Uncle could make sure she was all right until Pa and I got home. I couldn’t leave the studio with my entire schedule booked full, and Pa would get into trouble if he kept his kid at the restaurant.
“Lisa, you won�
�t have to work today but I think you should go—”
“I’m downstairs.”
I stopped. “From Uncle’s office?”
“From yours.”
I threw the handset back into the receiver and ran to the elevator. I jabbed at the elevator button. Luckily, the doors opened right away and it was empty. When the elevator opened on the ground floor, Lisa was standing there, cheeks wet from the rain and her tears, dragging her book bag on the floor. I hugged her and pulled her back into the elevator with me. Another woman entered with us.
I kept an arm around Lisa as I wiped her face. The woman standing across from us had sparkling high-heeled shoes sticking out of her smooth leather bag. Her silk scarf was tossed casually over her shoulder and I could see she was wearing a leotard underneath her spring coat. “I saw you dancing the other evening.”
I remembered I was at work. “You must be a student.”
Lisa peeked up but didn’t say anything.
“I am. I’ve been training for years at another studio but just transferred here. I wanted to tell you, you were wonderful.”
I was so startled that this elegant woman was complimenting me that I could barely stammer, “Thanks.” I smoothed back Lisa’s hair. When the elevator doors opened, I took her hand and led her into the studio.
—
Ryan was waiting for us in the reception area. I’d completely forgotten about him. “I’m sorry, I’ll be right with you.”
“No, it’s all right. Let me guess, you guys are related, right?”
Lisa smiled up at him.
“You’re so wet. Are you Charlie’s sister?” It was Nina. “Let me take your coat and bag.”
Irene said, “I’ll make you something warm, dear. Would you like some tea or hot chocolate?”
Lisa said, “Hot chocolate, please.” She whispered to me, “Does this mean I can stay?”
I was nodding when Dominic appeared in the doorway to the office behind the reception area. I froze. “I’m sorry, she has nowhere else to go today and—”
He stepped out. “What a lovely girl. Welcome to the studio.”
I stared. I’d assumed that he would be angry my sister was interrupting my lesson. She’d always been thrown out of the restaurant when Mr. Hu saw her. “You don’t mind?”
“Of course not. Your sister is welcome here as long as she wants to stay. Let her come every day.” I remembered that in other countries, it was a tradition to teach ballroom to children from a young age. Dominic was used to having kids study at his studio. Lisa drew in a breath and raised shining eyes to me.
I wished so much I could say yes. Lisa saw my expression and her face fell. “I wish she could. She has a job after school.”
She looked so forlorn.
Ryan said, “Do you want to see me throw someone around?” Lisa brightened up. She nodded. He took her delicate hand and went with her into the studio. The moment they passed the doors, he swooped her up and did a series of turns down the ballroom with her in his arms while she shrieked with laughter. When he put her down, he gave her a wink and said, “Now, I didn’t say who I was going to do it to, did I?”
—
Lisa sat at one of the round tables, sipping a cup of hot chocolate and chatting with Nina as if she would never stop. I had phoned Uncle to tell him that Lisa had gone home sick to the apartment and I was accompanying her. If I didn’t lie, he would insist on her coming back to his office. Although the studio closed at ten thirty p.m., Pa worked so late these days that I still always got home before him, so I knew we wouldn’t be caught.
This was one of the days when I practiced the other dances with Ryan. He still needed to learn to be a good general dancer for Evelyn’s wedding. Lisa saw us go from samba to tango to swing. At the end of his lesson, we did a part of our mambo for her. Her face was glowing with pride as she watched me. She didn’t look jealous in the slightest.
“She’s a great kid,” Ryan said as he shrugged on his jacket. “Reminds me of Evelyn, only less annoying.”
Lisa was fussed over by everyone, even Simone. I found Lisa in the teachers’ room after my last lesson, snuggled up next to Simone while Simone let her try on her collection of rhinestone jewelry. “A bit of sparkle on your upper arm will show off your muscle tone. However, never put something tight around your wrist onstage.”
“Why not?” asked Lisa. I wondered myself.
“Because that’s the most delicate part of your arm. You don’t want to obscure it. A loose bracelet would be all right.” Simone made a science out of being beautiful.
“We have to go now,” I said to Lisa. “I don’t have a nine thirty lesson, so Dominic said I could leave early to take you home.”
“I want to stay.”
“I know, but you’ve got school tomorrow.”
I gathered our things, changed into my outdoor clothing and shoes, and left with her as she waved good-bye to all of her new friends. On the subway, Lisa snuggled up to my shoulder and fell asleep. She slept like a baby that entire night.
—
The next day, Nina convinced me to take my food and eat with her in a small park near the studio. It was becoming just warm enough for us to have lunch outside. There was a guy sitting a few benches away from us, fiddling with his nose.
“He’s snorting coke,” Nina said, unwrapping her meatball sandwich.
I glanced over, trying to be subtle. “How do you know?”
“Because I’ve got loads of personal experience. I’ve done way worse than coffee and cigarettes.”
“Really?” I’d never tried anything. Although I’d seen other kids doing drugs at dances and parties sometimes, I knew better than to get involved.
“I was young and crazy before I got knocked up. I’d go down Avenue D in a miniskirt at three a.m., trying to score some coke. That’s the ugly side to this business, Charlie, you have to watch out for it.”
“What do you mean?”
“The drugs, the sex, the romance trap.”
“I haven’t really seen much of any of that.”
“Because our studio’s pretty clean, and you haven’t been to one of the large competitions yet. Those huge hotels, everyone’s there—students, pros, judges. It’s insane. Lots of people stay out of it but some of us dancers can get caught up in drugs because we need the energy. The job is so grueling sometimes, especially at the competitions where you’re doing event after event with the students, and then you have your own shows with your professional partner too. You’re nervous, you’re tired, it’s important that you dance well. Drugs can seem to be the solution.”
“Okay, but what do you mean by the romance trap?” I thought about Julian and Ryan, and how I felt while dancing with them.
“The whole idea that you’ll find your perfect ballroom partner and you’ll live happily ever after. It’s so easy to fall for it. I sure did. The entire system sets you up for it.”
I finally dared to ask what I’d always wondered about her. “What happened to you? With your partner and the baby?”
Nina swallowed the food in her mouth and took a slug of her soda. “I started dancing with Brian, Sammy’s dad, and we fell in love. We drank, did drugs together, woke up in the morning for rehearsal, danced at the same studio all day, then did it all again. I got pregnant by accident, and Brian proposed.”
I understood now. “That’s why you kept the baby.”
“When I got pregnant, he was really happy at first, and after I got over the shock of it, I was too. Believe me, I cleaned up my act right away, but then we discovered that we got along better stoned than sober.” She grimaced. “So there I was, getting huger every day, and of course the studio owners noticed. I was working at the downtown studio then. It wasn’t like here. They kicked me out as soon as I started showing. It was all so stressful. Anyway, Brian bailed on me when I was six months
pregnant. There was another girl in Florida, a dancer of course. He was afraid. I don’t think he’s a bad guy.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “Hell, I was scared too. But I couldn’t run away and he could. If I were him, I don’t know, maybe I would have done the same thing. Not saying it’s right, just that I get it.”
“That must have been so hard.”
She nodded. “But Sammy woke me up. Thank goodness my parents helped us out. I knew I had to get myself together. It changed the way I thought about myself. You know, not like I’m all that, but guys always liked me. Then there I was, twenty pounds overweight and a single mom. I wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up, but never a mother. Someday, I thought, or maybe never. I didn’t worry too much about that kind of thing. After Sammy was born, I made the rounds at the studios and no one wanted me back. I think rumors about the drugs had gone around, and I was a single mother on top of it. If it weren’t for Adrienne and Dominic, I don’t want to think where I’d be now.”
She gazed me and her eyes were intense. “You’re going to come across all of that stuff too, Charlie. I’m telling you, don’t screw up. Be careful with the men and the drugs, respect your body. I’ve been there. I was dancing with Brian, acting like he was the love of my life onstage, and it was so tempting to believe it was all real when it wasn’t.”
Eighteen
M y mambo with Ryan was more intimate than any dancing we’d ever done together before. There was one move where I did a reverse turn in his arms, then he went into a squat so I could lie down across his thighs, arching back until my head was close to the floor. He scooped me up with his arm so I could tuck myself into the right side of his body as he stood up and spun us both. It felt like he was cradling me, as if nothing could hurt me while I was with him. I knew from the texture of his cheek if he’d shaved early or late in the day. When he tried a new brand of cologne, I noticed right away. It was strange to know so intimately the body of a man I’d never kissed. It got to the point where I’d sense he was in the studio the moment he entered, even if I couldn’t see him. It was the way the doors shut, the shadow of his reflection in the mirror. I began to understand what Nina had been warning me about.