He was dusk and dawn. Chasing the rays of the sun as they moved beyond the horizon every day. I preferred the night and its never-ending expanse, a place I could settle inside, a void to find my own palette. But he stared at me, waiting, his pupils lined with a light ring of amber. The same look Royal had before a meet, the look I had when I finished a painting, the adrenaline of want. Wanting to succeed, wanting more, and he wanted me to say yes.
“Fine…” His smile was triumphant, slow moving and cat-like. “But if I drown, you’ll have to deal with my brother.”
He held out his hand, sliding his skin against mine, kick-starting my heart as the heat of his palm relaxed my limbs.
“It’s a deal, then,” he said, letting the seconds unfurl between us as he shook my hand.
“It’s a deal.”
Kai
She’d attempted to hide it, but I’d felt the way her fingers, fragile and hot, trembled as I’d taken her hand in mine. She was the first to let go, her big blue eyes digesting our deal, like a deer in headlights. She took a step back with a cute-as-hell, nervous giggle. A tightrope formed under my feet, that line, dangerous and selfish, not thick enough to hold us both if she chose to tread across it with me. I shouldn’t have come here, shouldn’t have pushed my way into her world, but the smile on my face, the battering ram in my chest, the way I could still feel her touch in my palm, said walk the fucking line, let it snap.
“I’ll text you a time we can meet up for lessons. This week’s kind of—”
“Whenever.” She waved me off, taking another step backward.
I held out my hand and chuckled when she exhaled. “Give me your phone, I’ll program my number.”
She reached into her pocket and handed me her cell. I added my name and number to her contacts and sent myself a text so I’d have her number, too. This was happening. I was letting it, but this could be one of those “just friends” type situations. I was “just friends” with a lot of girls. It didn’t matter that Indie was stunning and talented and…
I suppressed a sigh as I handed her back the phone. I was supposed to be taking care of me, not torturing myself.
She stared at the screen of her phone as I said, “The pool is a ghost town after eleven on most nights. I still have the key code to the locker rooms.”
“Still?” She smiled and it was the same smile she reserved for her brother or Camden. Part of me was grateful for it, that friend zone, brotherly type smile. It put me in my place. It stole away the shiver, the feel her hand had left behind. The other part of me, the guy who always got what he wanted when it came to girls, the eager asshole who wanted more than he should ever ask for, saw a challenge in her lips.
“It was a captain perk.” I wouldn’t drop my mask; I wouldn’t let her see how much I hated having to say it in the past tense. It didn’t really matter anyway; the title was just that, a badge I wore to complete a façade. I loved swimming, leading, but it wasn’t everything that I could be, or I hoped it wasn’t. I wanted to believe there was more to me than race times, and badges, and beer.
“You’re still captain to Royal, to your team, you know that, right? They still look at you as their leader.”
I debated on giving her a stock answer or the truth. The giant painting, Indie’s heart, hovered behind her, reminding me how remarkable she was, and I decided she deserved nothing but real. This cute girl, with paint everywhere, who had created an entire galaxy, layered on top of another, until it was infinite, until it was its own universe of color on one canvas.
I met her eyes, and she held on to my gaze. “I wish they wouldn’t.”
“They look up to you.”
Gritting my jaw, I shook my head. “They shouldn’t.” The silence that descended made it hard to breathe. “I guess what I’m trying to say, is maybe it’s a good thing. A chance to do something else, something more.”
She bit back a smile. “More is good.”
“I think so… My therapist thinks he knows better. ”
“Occupational hazard,” she suggested, scrunching her nose.
I had the urge to reach out and smooth out the skin with my thumb.
“Change is good. The dude can think whatever the fuck he wants.”
“My dad told me that I should go after my dreams, but to be smart enough to realize the difference between chasing and running.”
“I’m not running,” I said, and Indie’s cheeks flooded with chagrin.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“I got your meaning.” I’d done a complete one-eighty these past few weeks, and each day was harder than the next. Balancing who I was with who I could be. What I wanted and what I didn’t. My old life was a place to drown. This new life a patchwork path, to fuck if I knew where, but it was worth a try. It had to be. I pushed down my irritation and smiled. “I’m not running.”
She dropped her chin, her smile gone. She tapped the toe of her Converse on the concrete floor a few times before she looked at me. Her eyes seemed off, more vacant, and she swallowed. “I say things and I don’t think. The words just fall out of my mouth. Call it a coping mechanism.”
“A coping mechanism?”
She laughed, and her eyes filled with humor and color again. “A conversation for another night, I think.”
“You’re kicking me out?” My smirk made her lips spread farther up her cheeks and it was like I’d won an award.
Making a girl smile wasn’t that hard, I did it on a daily basis, but I wanted to earn Indie’s smiles, every last one.
“No, please... stay as long as you want. I might be poor company, though. I need to work on this piece a while longer before I call it a night. Want me to grab you another canvas?”
Yes.
“Nah, I should go, I’ve got dryland training at five in the morning.”
“I don’t think I’d get up at five for anything.”
“Not even to paint the sunrise?”
“Not even then.” She brought her finger to her temple. “I’d rather imagine what it looks like. Choose my own colors, make it my own personal fete of nature, with coffee, at a more reasonable hour.”
“So what you’re saying is only late night swimming lessons?” I asked and took too much pleasure in the blush on her neck.
“If you want me to show up.” She reached down, popped the lid off one of the buckets on the floor, and I took that as my cue.
“Thanks for helping me out tonight, I promise not to crash your art party too much.”
“Crash all you want. If you’re serious about painting, I’m here.”
I was serious about drawing. I was serious about learning how to teach. I was serious about making a life out of art. And as much as I should deny it, I was serious about getting to know her. In any capacity.
“Thanks.”
“Of course.”
She smiled, and I turned toward the studio door.
“Hey, Kai?”
“Yeah?”
“I believe you.” Her eyes found the laces of her shoes. “You’re not running. I just wanted to make sure you believed it, too.”
She didn’t know me. She didn’t know the first thing about my life. Yet her assumptions were spot on. Some days I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t wind up at Stacks drunk on cheap beer, and other days, I was sure I had the right motivations, I knew the way. Today was one of those days.
“I’m trying.”
I couldn’t hear music playing beyond my front door as I slipped my key into the lock. I’d left the studio with a promise to text Indie when I figured out a time to meet, and compartmentalized our parting conversation to linger over when I wasn’t so damn tired. Honesty shouldn’t have made my bones this weary. All I wanted to do was fall into my mattress and think about nothing. Unfortunately, for me, it seemed my suitemate had other plans.
I groaned as I shut the door, announcing my presence. “You have a private dorm, last time I checked?”
Royal moved quickly to the other side of th
e couch, leaving Camden, and his disheveled hair and shirt, to fend for themselves. I tried not to laugh, but the shock on Royal’s face was too much to handle.
“Dude, your face...” I held my fist to my lips, but my laughter broke free. “You guys were totally about to bang.”
Camden rolled his eyes, stood up, and left the room.
Royal’s face was officially as white as a ghost. “Don’t be a dick.”
“You’d like me better if I was.”
“That joke is getting old.” He flipped me off as he lifted himself from the couch. He pulled the front hem of his shirt over his loose belt buckle and asked, “How was work?”
“It was a blast.” I eyed the sofa. “Is it safe for me to sit here or do I need to buy a new one?”
“Don’t be gross.”
I chuckled as I sank down into the soft cushions and propped my feet onto the coffee table. “I wasn’t the one about to get down in the middle of the living room.”
Camden reemerged with his backpack over his shoulders, his dark brown hair, not as messy, flopped over his forehead. “There’s lo mein in the mini fridge,” he said as he purposely walked into my legs, effectively knocking them off the coffee table.
“Passive-aggressive much?” I whispered, then realized. “Wait, you guys got Chinese without me?” I had an addiction to Chinese food, one Royal and Camden did not share.
“No, Royal got it for you on his way here,” he said, matter of fact, threading his fingers with his boyfriend’s. They both looked at each other, having some silent conversation, making my third wheel status loud and clear.
“You don’t have to leave. Sorry, I was trying to be funny.” I ran my hand through my hair and leaned forward. “Seriously, I’m gonna shower and crash. Stay. It’s late. We have weights in the morning, remember?”
Royal nodded. “Let’s stay?” he whispered, and Camden stared at me.
“You’re covered in paint.” Camden’s assessment drew Royal’s attention to my hands and I pushed them into my pockets.
“Shit, it’s in your hair.” Royal chuckled. “I thought you said you were on garbage duty tonight?”
“I was… I…” Camden’s shrewd, silver eyes watched me, and once again, I had to choose the truth over a lie. And if I wanted to prove to myself running wasn’t an option, then the people I cared about had to know me. The real me. Unsaturated. Zero proof. Kai Carter. No warranty. Available as-is. “I worked on a project for class after work at the studio.”
Royal’s brows dipped. “The… art studio?”
“Yeah, I’m hoping to get a TA job with one of the professors I’ve sold some of my drawings to. This janitor job sucks.” It didn’t matter how nonchalant I was, or how I had infused every ounce of no-big-deal into my body language, Royal gawked at me. “What?”
“I didn’t know you drew.”
“I did.” Camden slipped his bag off his shoulders and set it on the floor against the couch. “You’re always doodling on the takeout menus. He’s pretty good.”
“Thanks.” I laughed at his dismissive tone.
“Can you TA if you’re not majoring in art?” Royal asked.
“I changed my major.”
“When?” The accusation in his voice jarred me.
“This week, it’s not a big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal, Kai. What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just did.”
“Okay.” He wouldn’t look at me, his cheeks splotched with red.
“Hey,” Camden whispered as he slipped his fingers gently around Royal’s wrist. “It’s late, let’s go to bed.”
Royal leaned in and kissed him on the mouth. “I’ll be right there.”
It wasn’t weird because it was two men, it was weird because I hadn’t really been around to watch how open they’d become. It made me smile. Camden noticed my regard and blushed.
“Don’t be too long.” He disappeared behind his bedroom door, leaving his boyfriend scowling at me.
“Christ, Royal. It’s not a big deal.”
He sat down, and I allowed him his silence. A minute, maybe two, passed before he said, “I thought we were cool. That everything between us was straight.”
I turned my head to face him and he stared at me, his blue eyes so much like Indie’s it unnerved me. “We are. I literally just decided all of this a couple of days ago. My mom—”
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah… for now, but she said something to me, and it sort of woke me up. I’ve been living my life for her for so long, I forgot how to live it for me. And I know she won’t be here forever, and she told me I needed to start planning for that. I don’t want to… deal with it, Royal, but I have to. Live for her, live for me, it’s the same thing. She’ll get to see me happy for once, I hope.”
“You want to be an artist?” he asked, skeptical.
“I’d like to teach, and I’m good at drawing, and I love it, it makes me feel something. Pie graphs and spreadsheets are draining.”
Royal let out a breathless laugh. “You’re a junior.”
“I’m already behind.”
“Because of me.”
“Because of what happened.” I shoved his shoulder. “Not you, dude.”
“Promise me you won’t leave me for my sister.” He smirked, and my palms began to sweat.
“Promise. She’s only in my art history class, you’re still my favorite O’Connell.”
“Good. Sometimes I think Camden likes her better than me.”
“I doubt that.” I leaned back and changed the direction of the conversation. “You think we’re ready for the meet this weekend?”
“I think so. Dev’s been busting ass at practice. What do you think?”
“We’ll have it handled. Bonus… my shoulder hasn’t been giving me such a hard time since I cut back on the booze.”
“I knew it was bothering you. That because of me, too?”
“Were you always this whiny?”
He pinched the back of my arm, and I punched him in his side. We were both laughing and out of breath when I said, “As much as I appreciate the foreplay, I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is waiting for you.”
He shoved himself to his feet. “You’re hilarious.”
I blew him a kiss, and he swatted my hand as someone knocked at the front door, ruining the brilliant comeback sitting on the tip of my tongue.
“Probably one of the guys,” he guessed. “Corbin stopped by earlier wanting to discuss his times from last practice.”
Royal headed to the door as I said, “He should be talking to coach, not me.”
Royal unlatched the lock, looking over his shoulder at me as he opened the door. His mouth moved, but I didn’t hear a word he’d said.
“Daphne? It’s late.” I stood too fast, feeling lightheaded; I took a deep breath to catch my bearings.
Her eyes were glassy, ringed with smudged black coal, she wet her lips as she slurred, “I missed you.”
Royal gave me a questioning look and I lifted my shoulders. A silent I have no fucking idea why she’s here that he didn’t seem to believe by the slight smirk he gave me.
“Hey, Daph, come on in.” Royal held the door open and locked it behind her, assuming she might stay for a while.
I wanted her gone five seconds ago.
“See you in the morning, dude.” Royal clapped my shoulder and whispered, “Try to keep it down.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Not my business.” He gave me another smile and left me standing in the middle of the living room.
Daphne waved at him as Camden’s door shut with a final click. She approached me on drunk legs and rubbed at her nose, her smile fading. Her blood-shot eyes filled with tears as she set her hands on my chest.
I lifted her chin, trying to figure out if she was drunk or high or both. My thumb caught one of her mascara-stained tears as I wiped it from her cheek. “I’m not doing this with you.”
She sniffl
ed and pulled away from my touch. “I know.”
“Why are you here?”
She rubbed at her nose with one hand, and tugged the sleeve of her hoodie with the other. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“What’s going on?”
Her tears started to fall in earnest and she shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Daphne,” I cautioned as she turned to face me.
“I need help.”
Kai
Dry skin, red with irritation, framed Daphne’s nose. Her fingernails were bitten into flat stubs, a few of them scabbed where the cuticle met her skin. Her overgrown pixie cut looked like it hadn’t been washed in a few days. She smelled like she’d been sweating whiskey, her skin’s pale complexion hung over her hollow cheekbones like a wet dish rag.
I swore as her tears turned to sobs, taking her clammy hand in mine. “Come on.”
The light in my room added a new dimension to her pallor, casting her cheeks in more of a light green than white as I shut the door. Soft music leaked through the thin wall separating Camden’s room from mine, creating a timely buffer of sound.
“Are you hurt?” I asked, lowering my eyes to hers, willing her to look at me.
She didn’t answer at first. Choosing to stare off into the distance, she brought her nails to her mouth as she scanned my room.
“Do you know anyone who could sell me a few pills tonight?”
“You’re fucking kidding me?”
Daphne’s fingers started to shake. “Imogen’s out…” She grabbed her flask from her back pocket and shoved it into my chest. I grabbed it, keeping it from falling to the floor. “Have a sip.” Stepping into my space, she offered, “I’ve got more in my car.”
My temper flared. “You drove over here?” She could hardly walk.
“I need something, Kai, and if you’re not willing to take the edge off… One of your teammates… I guarantee you they use, there’s no way all of you could deal with the schedules you keep without a little help.”
“I don’t use pills, and anyone on my team caught using would be out on their asses.” I grabbed her hand and pushed the flask into her palm, holding it there until she curled her fingers around it.
Seven Shades of You Page 9