Seven Shades of You

by Johnson, A. M.

  “He is… I miss him.” The scents of citrus and leather always made me homesick for him.

  “It’s cool he owns a tattoo shop.”

  “My Uncle Liam started it.”

  “You guys look… happy.” He spoke as if lost in his own memories, pulling down a picture of me from last summer. Royal had taken it. In the shot, my hair was down, and the sun filtered through the window, obscuring my profile, illuminating my pale skin with an ethereal glow. I remembered looking at the picture and thinking I was weightless, a ghost with a paint brush in her hand. I’d had no idea he’d been in the studio that day until he’d shown me the picture. “I take it back,” he said, his low, gravelly voice rattled my bones. “This is my favorite.”

  Another blush crept along my neck, filling my cheeks.

  “The luck of good lighting.”

  Kai turned, his brown eyes fixed to the knot of hair on the top of my head. He swallowed and looked away, laying the picture on my desk.

  “What’s this movie about?” he asked, standing at the foot of the bed, his hands deep in his pockets.

  “Picasso’s love life.”

  He frowned. “That sounds like a shit idea for a movie.”

  I patted the mattress next to me. “It will help you understand him as an artist?”

  My heart jumped as he sat down. “I doubt it.”

  “If it’s terrible, I’ll find something else.”

  “Oh, it’s gonna be terrible,” he promised with a smile, stretching his body until his back was against the wall next to me.

  Kai’s arm pressed against mine, the heat of his body stealing the breath from my lungs as I started the movie. We’d been almost naked together in the pool on Thursday, but here in this room, fully clothed, with buttered light, I noticed him. Everything was drawn out in intense, visible shades and lines. I couldn’t stop staring at his capable hand where it rested inches from my pinky, or the curve of his chin, that sun spot on his cheek. The chocolate strands of his hair, peeking out from under his hat, all texture, and I wondered if it would feel soft or coarse sifting through my fingers. I memorized the thick strokes of his eyebrows, the small valley that carved his top lip, the dip of his nose. Kai kept his eyes on the screen, and I marveled at the hollow below his throat, that smooth patch of skin right below his Adam’s apple. My fingers ached to touch him, to know his lines as well as my own.

  He caught me as he turned to look at me, his lips drawing up at the corners, his eyes trailed over my burning face, my mouth.

  His breath was sweet, with a hint of beer. “Are you bored already?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  Did he realize how easy it would be for him to kiss me if he leaned in one more inch? Coming out of my skin, I turned to watch the movie, and after a while, his body relaxed into mine. It could’ve been the even rhythm of his breathing, or the warm weight of having someone next to me, but for all of my effort, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

  Kai

  The light blue glow should have tipped me off that I wasn’t in my room. I didn’t usually fall asleep with my laptop on, preferring the darkness of a non-distracted submersion. It was overly warm as my eyes blinked open, a soft weight and the scent of lavender attempting to pull me back under. If anything, that signature scent should have jogged my sleep-addled brain, but it wasn’t until I shifted to my side, my arm folding over her small waist, that her soft moan filled the room, reminding me exactly where the hell I was. Slender fingers fisted the fabric of my t-shirt, pulling me dangerously close as I breathed her in.

  Indie close up, zoomed in, was too much to ignore. Freckles under her right eye. Her flawless palette of ivory. The barely there ridge on her nose. The way her hair seemed almost white at the root. Brows that fell sharp over her eyes. Scared to wake her, I lay there, frozen, in awe of the way the light from the laptop illuminated her golden lashes, wishing I could pull the hair from her bun, wishing I had the right to touch her.

  I had no idea how late it was. My only clue the darkness outside her partially open blinds. The five a.m. alarm that I had set on my phone every day, no matter if there was practice or not, hadn’t gone off, that was a good sign, but even so, as the question materialized, an empty anxiety filled my gut.

  How long would I have here? Next to her? How long would I get to feel this content?

  Fine hairs lined her face, and I didn’t dare lift my hand to touch them, no matter how much I wanted to. I’d broken all of my rules, but inside this room, lying beside her, stealing time, I couldn’t find the will to give a shit about right and wrong.

  She’d answered her phone tonight.

  Saved me.

  I could have, should have, called Royal, or left the bar with Dev. Indie had been the only person I wanted to see, talk to. Her name the only contact I’d been able to muster up the courage to call. Rules be damned, I was happy about how this night had turned out. Even if this was all I’d ever have of her. A memory to remind me my life wasn’t always disappointing. If not for her, I might’ve fallen for my own bullshit, gotten drunk, left my dad a shit-faced, angry, hateful message, and passed out on my cold mattress only to hate myself tomorrow. Watching the slow rise and fall of her chest, having no doubt this was the only place I should be.

  “Kai,” she mumbled my name, and I almost jumped until I realized her eyes were still closed.

  Her lips parted, a breath hot against my lips, and my mouth watered. There’s always that moment before you kiss a girl. Should I or shouldn’t I? For me, the choice was always simple, I led with my dick. But I had this weird feeling twisting itself into tight knots inside my stomach. Like Indie had anchored herself there, reeling me in, and I had no way to stop myself from feeling it, from wanting her. I knew I shouldn’t. Her innocence wasn’t mine to take. But, she whispered my name again, and this time I was met with clear, bottomless blue eyes.

  It could have been the way she held my stare, or the quiet way she pulled me closer when she noticed our bodies had aligned. Facing each other, side by side—my arm held her in place. Later, when I had more time to think about everything, this night, in coherent sentences, I’d remember the silent question in her eyes. Was this really happening? More than should I or shouldn’t I. A sense of something other between us, this magnetic pulse in our veins. Indie’s eyes dropped to my mouth as she tightened her grip on my shirt, telling me everything was now, not later, and my heart became this wild thing inside my ribs, begging, as she leaned in, her nose bumping mine, breaching our poorly built wall, and kissed me with soft, sleepy lips.

  It felt right, too much and not enough, as she pressed her small frame against me, tugging the collar of my shirt, and maybe later, I would kick myself for not allowing Indie to ease herself in. But as her eager lips consumed mine, I rolled our bodies, pushing her deeper into the mattress, my lips moving rough and slow, kissing the soft curves of her mouth, coaxing, taking.

  Take. Take. Take.

  Until she opened for me. Tentative, and with wet lips, she explored my mouth. Her tongue darted, unsure over my bottom lip, causing a low, needful groan to rumble in my chest. Indie’s hands instinctively pushed into my hair as our tongues slid together, the heat of her mouth drawing me in. I was hard and hungry and didn’t stop to think.

  Her scent polluted my better judgment, the easy give of her body beneath me, her fingernails on my scalp, the taste of her mouth, something I didn’t care to categorize, all I wanted was more of it. Framing her hot cheeks in my hands, I kissed her top lip, bit her bottom, and smiled when she shivered. Smiling as her hands fell to my shoulders, I rested my forehead in the slope of her neck. Inhaling the powder scent of her skin, kissing the spot beneath her ear, neither one of us using the pause for air as an opportunity to stop, to raise a red flag. Indie touched her lips to my cheek, my jaw, and as I lifted my head, she bit softly at my chin, placing a tender kiss afterward. Like a masochist, I pressed my hips into hers, dying from the pain of it, half needing relief from the friction,
half hoping she’d feel the ache, too. The pad of my thumb pulled a slow line over the seam of her lips, her chin—her cheek, as Indie watched me. The fascination in her eyes, giving her what she’d never experienced, and watching her feel it was something I could easily become addicted to.

  Her smile broke across my lips as I kissed her again, this time with less hunger, more wonder than anything else. Her chin red from my stubble, she gazed up at me, flawless and pink. I took a slow breath, pulling her taste into my lungs, and dropped my face into her neck. Her lashes tickled my cheek as she turned toward me.

  “We fell asleep,” she whispered, the shy smile in her voice evident.

  Chuckling, I said, “Please God, don’t tell me I’m dreaming.”

  “You’re not dreaming.” Her fingertips trailed down the back of my neck, and I suppressed a shiver. “I’m sorry.”

  The vulnerability in those two words shook me.

  I lifted my head, moving a strand of hair from her cheek, I said, “Don’t be. I’m the one who should be apologizing.” Confusion wrote itself across her brows. “I stole your first kiss.”

  “I kissed you.” Her rosy lips broke into another small smile.

  Resting on my elbow, I grinned. She seemed… proud.

  I argued anyway. “I was overly persuasive.”

  She laughed, and my pulse came alive as her breasts brushed against me. “You didn’t say anything.”

  “I didn’t have to.”

  She raised her finger to the scar on my eyebrow, the scar I’d gotten while defending her brother.

  “Maybe you are overly persuasive.” Tracing the raised, ruined flesh, Indie whispered, “I’m glad it was you.”

  Her fingertips lingered and I lowered them to my mouth, kissing her fingerprints, I asked, “What do you mean?”

  “My first kiss, I’m glad it was you…” She lowered her hand to my chest. “Is that okay with you?”

  I wanted them all. Every first she had, I wanted them to be mine.

  She lowered her gaze, avoiding me as she said, “I don’t want you to regret it. You know… in the light of day.” I sat up and rested my head against her wall. She rolled onto her back and brought her hands to the flat plane of her stomach. “It’s okay… if you say no… if you wished I hadn’t—”

  “I’m glad it was me.” My voice was thick with nerves I’d never felt before. “I’ve been dying to kiss you, Indie, fucking dying to touch you…”

  Her lips twitched and she pressed her teeth into the skin to stop them from trembling.

  “And I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know what to think… what to do.”

  “Do you like me?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “Do you want to kiss me again?”

  The muscle in my jaw flexed as she stared at me. I wanted to tell her I wanted that and so much more with her, but I didn’t want to scare her away completely.

  “Yes.”

  Indie’s face turned another shade of red, proving I had no fucking business lying next to her, kissing her, touching her. She shouldn’t be with someone who’d had a piece of half the female population at St. Peter’s. And I was pretty damn sure her brother would feel the same, kick my ass for even tainting the precious skin of her lips. Indie should be with someone as pure as she was, someone worthy of her firsts. Even if the thought made me sick to my stomach, made me want to break this imaginary guy’s neck. I couldn’t hide from the truth. It’s what she deserved, not some townie asshole who had something to prove.

  “Then do it.” She sat up, arranging her slim legs over mine. “Kiss me, Kai.”

  I could see her pulse as it fluttered beneath her skin, her pupils opening to a translucent black. I saw myself in her eyes and I liked it. I liked the image reflected. Tangible, whole. In her eyes, I was myself, no longer a fabrication. Honesty and desire. In her eyes, I was worthy, and maybe if I stared long enough, stayed within the crystal clear frame, I could become what she needed.

  Taking her face in my hands, the heat of her skin scorched my palms. How much had it cost her to ask me? How much did she have to lose if I rejected her? Like I could ever say no in the first place. I leaned toward her as she closed her eyes. I kissed her lids first, feeling the silk touch of her lashes on my lips. I kissed the crease between her brows. I kissed her like I should have a few minutes ago. Worshiping her purity, her soft skin. I kissed the rise of her cheekbone as she tipped her head slightly, granting me free reign over the planes of her face. I brushed my thumbs along her jaw and stared at her mouth. Indie’s lips opened as I kissed them, catching her quiet gasp on my tongue. I decided she tasted like a mixture of mint and sugar, and wondered if she’d had candy before I’d shown up at her door. She kissed me back, her hand wrapping into the collar of my shirt again with a violent tug.

  I smiled, and she pulled away. “What?”

  I tugged on her collar. “I think it’s cute that you’re aggressive.”

  Indie lowered her hand to my chest, and I hoped she couldn’t feel how fast my heart raced. “I don’t want to be cute, Kai.”

  “Cute is good.”

  “Cute is not sexy.”

  I trailed my knuckles across the new blush forming over her cheeks, following down to her chin and tipping her head so she’d look at me. So she’d believe it when I said, “You make cute sexy.”

  She pinched her lip between her teeth, shaking her head, she swallowed. “Kissing you makes everything in my head go silent.” Indie took a breath, her eyes shimmered as she continued. “It’s like a clean slate, a dry canvas. There’s nothing but this singular shade of white, so colorless it’s asking to be bathed in color… and it feels… I feel…” She blinked, her fingers curling into the cotton of my shirt. “Relief.”

  The weight of what she’d said lodged itself in my throat. I wanted to be her relief, because she sure as hell was mine.

  “That was probably a weird thing to say.”

  I huffed out a laugh and kissed the corner of her mouth. “Only kind of weird, O’ Connell.” She moved to shove my chest, but I caught her wrists, pulling her next to me. “I like that you say whatever you want. You say what you mean, I wish I could do that.”

  “You can.”

  She smiled, waiting for me to expose some sort of truth about myself.

  “All right.” I stalled, trying to think past all the negative shit inside my head, when the perfect thing occurred to me.

  “Last semester… I had this drawing of my mother I’d sold through Professor Hintz and was in the art building to pick up the money. I saw you there… before I knew you. You were in the hall, whispering to yourself… the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. You took my fucking breath away. You didn’t look at me, walked past me like I wasn’t there…” I laughed at the memory. “I thought you were a ghost.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” she asked, her face a mix of sad confusion.

  “I saw you again. That morning at breakfast, and you were his sister… and out of principle, I decided to keep my distance.” She started to pull away and I didn’t blame her. I’d purposely shoved a wedge between us, purposely ignored her.

  “You’re such an idiot.”

  “It’s how it is, Indie. Between guys. You don’t mess with the sister.”

  “I’m not the sister. I’m a human being, with feelings, and it sucked wondering why you never made an effort to be a friend like the other guys, if maybe I was the reason you never stuck around.” She lowered her chin. “And now I know.”

  “It wasn’t you, Indie. It was my choice. I could’ve been like Dev and Corbin, but looking at you every day, being around you… I’d want more… I’d want to be the one who made you laugh, who got to tease and flirt with you, and I knew I couldn’t. I knew I’d cross the line… Christ, I almost clocked Camden before I knew he was into Royal, because I thought he was into you.”

  A laugh bubbled over her lips. “You almost hit Camden?”

  I licked my lips and smil
ed. “Yeah, told him to stay away from you.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Like Royal told the guys on his team in high school to stay away from me?”

  “Not the same thing.”

  “It’s totally the same thing!” She tried to look pissed but the edge of her lips lifted, giving her away. “What changed?”

  Nothing.

  I still had no right to be here.

  “You invited me over to watch a bad movie and seduced me.”

  Indie laughed so hard she snorted. “Is that what you plan to tell Royal?” My smile lost its strength and she noticed. “You’re not going to tell him… are you?”

  “He’d never allow it.”

  “He doesn’t get to dictate my life.”

  I picked up her hand, running my thumb over the smooth skin of her palm. “Royal and me… everything is tangled up. His boyfriend lives with me. I’m his best friend. He knows me, how I was…” I made myself look straight into her eyes. “How I am… we’re finally back to normal after all the shit from last semester… but this… us… he’d never forgive me, Indie.”

  “Then we don’t say anything—”

  “Indie—”

  She shook her head, cutting me off, “Yet…we won’t say anything yet. We can tell him we’re working together in the studio, ease him in. Royal knows you, Kai. You’re right about that. He knows how loyal you are. How hard you work. How much your friendship means to him. How much your family matters to you. How you almost threw away your future to protect him. You like me, and I like you, let’s start there and see what happens.”

  “In secret?” I asked. “That’s not fair to you.”

  “I’m tired of everyone telling me what I need, deciding what is and isn’t good for me. Even my own brain, feeding me lies about who I am. I know what I can handle, what I want.”

  “What do you want?” I asked, taking a few inches of space and stealing one of her deep, rough breaths.

  “This.”

  She kissed me as my morning alarm chimed in my pocket. Her hands in my hair, my palm on the back of her neck, our lips urgent, racing against time. Without breaking away from the kiss, I pulled my cell from my pocket, pressed the side button, silencing the annoying chirp, and threw it on the floor.