“We study?” she teased.
“We study too much. Are you ever going to get back in the pool?”
“Let’s go tonight?”
“With the meet on Friday, practice might run late. But everyone should be gone by eleven.”
“Text me, and I’ll meet you there.”
“Not at eleven o’clock at night. I’ll come get you.”
“This again?” She rolled her eyes. “You realize I walked alone on campus all the time before we started dating.”
“I try not to think about it.”
Indie broke the unspoken rule and closed the distance between us. Her fingers errantly touching mine, she whispered, “I secretly like how overprotective you are.”
Goosebumps marched up my arm as she pulled away.
“Good. Because I’m not going anywhere… anytime soon.”
Indigo
“That’s freaking fantastic,” Royal said, ignoring my grunt as he squeezed the air out of me.
I squeaked and laughed, which made me feel dizzy as Camden squeezed me from the other side. Royal’s bed creaked from the weight of all three of us.
“Blue, I can’t breathe,” I gasped again, and Camden was the first to let go, rolling onto his back.
Royal didn’t let go and I buried my face in his chest. I’d been avoiding moments like this. Choosing to hide in my room after dinner until I could go to the studio. It wasn’t easy lying to my brother; I figured he’d eventually see it in my eyes. Smell the lie on me as it festered like black mold on my skin. His scent washed away the acrid scent fogging up my head, and I was home again.
“I don’t even care if you barf up those tacos you had for dinner tonight, I’m that proud.”
He kissed the top of my head, letting me go. The heat of his body faded into the mattress as the lie sprouted from its roots with rotting gray buds. Camden laced his fingers through mine, and the hot pin pricks of tears in my eyes surfaced.
Proud.
How would Blue feel if he knew?
The thought burned in my stomach.
“Which painting are they featuring?” Camden asked, neither of them aware of my mental breakdown as I stared at the tiny constellation of holes in Royal’s ceiling. Small dots, probably caused by thumbtacks, made a great distraction for eye contact.
“Three. I titled it A Dissection of Inheritance. I only finished the second one last week. The showcase will be the final week of school.”
“This is big, Pink, don’t they only feature juniors and seniors?” Royal took my other hand in his.
This had once been my safe space. Between Blue and Camden. But I’d built a barrier, and every time I hung out with Kai, the wall got higher. I could hardly see over it anymore.
“Professor Hintz is making an exception,” I said.
“Isn’t that who Kai works for now?” my brother asked, pushing himself up onto his elbow. “Don’t get mad…” he started, picking at the pillowcase hem beneath him. “But I’m kind of jealous Kai gets to watch you paint now.”
My laugh was nervous. “He doesn’t watch me. He’s doing his own thing like everyone else.”
“You know what I mean… I miss it. When will I get to see them? The paintings?”
I wanted to tell him. I could tell him. Right now. Camden was here. He’d help me, wouldn’t he? I was pretty sure he’d already figured everything out anyway. I didn’t need to wait till spring break. My dad was a great buffer, but Camden…
An alarm sounded, stealing my courage and the opportunity as Royal groaned. “Ugh, practice.”
He leaned over me and I shoved him in the ribs. He laughed as he kissed Camden.
“Get off,” I mumbled into his shirt and pinched his waist.
“Ow. Shit, Pink, that hurt.” He sat up, giving me back the air in my lungs.
“I hope it leaves a mark.” I grinned as he lifted his shirt. Sure enough, there was a red welt on his skin.
“Look what you did,” he said, his irritation all for show.
Camden squeezed my hand as he chuckled.
“Sure, you guys just lay there and laugh at me.” Blue jumped off the bed and grabbed his gym bag.
“We’ll only laugh until you leave, then we’ll talk about what a baby you are,” I said, scooting over to the other side of the bed.
Royal slung his bag over his shoulder and placed another kiss on Camden’s lips. “I’ll be home later than usual.”
“I’ll be here.” Camden gave him a small smile that said I love you in the quiet, simplest of ways.
I watched my brother’s face heat, watched as he rubbed the back of his neck, reluctant, wishing he didn’t have to leave.
“Will you be here when I get back?” he asked, and I shook my head.
“I have work to do.” It wasn’t a total fabrication. I would, in fact, work on my painting until Kai showed up.
The proud smile he’d worn a few minutes ago reappeared. “Maybe I’ll stop by after—”
“Don’t…” I stammered as his smile fell. The voices in my head rejoiced.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
They laughed as the witch scraped her fingernails against my skull. The noise like grinding metal, I sucked in a breath, trying to hear myself think, and Royal noticed.
“It’s okay, Pink. Don’t worry about it. I get it.” His lips formed a flat line as he watched me fight the static. After a second, he smiled again, his voice like alcohol in my guilty wound. “You want to wait till it’s finished. Just like Dad.”
I’ve never waited, not once, to show my brother something I was working on. His words spread a million more miles between us and all I wanted to do was cry. This distance was my fault. My lie.
Once he was gone, the silence in the room shifted as Camden turned to face me. “He’ll understand.”
I stared straight ahead as I sat up, pulling my knees to my chest, my eyes feeling overfilled and empty at the same time—the voices louder than they’d been in weeks. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Camden drew his knees to his chest, too, his head gently thumping against the wall as he sighed. “I think you do.”
You know.
Slut.
You let him use you.
“Stop.” The word came out of me with a forceful whisper. My fists at my temples, I heard Camden’s intake of breath.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’ll tell him.” I turned and faced Camden, the wide set of his eyes, the pale color of his cheeks. I’d scared him.
He’d never seen me like this.
Never watched as the voices tried to pull me under.
They’re not real.
They’re not real.
I repeated the phrase over and over again in my head as I stared at him.
“Okay,” he said, reaching for my hand.
Everything was so quiet. Like the cottoned white silence of being under water. Like the feel of Kai’s lips on mine.
Everything is quiet
Everything is quiet.
“I’ll tell him,” I repeated. “When I’m ready.”
He moved closer, until his shoulder touched mine.
Everything is quiet.
It was almost midnight by the time Kai showed up at the studio with wet hair, wearing basketball shorts and a hoodie. I’d wanted to call off our swim lesson, but his smile made me grateful I hadn’t texted him. The guilt I’d struggled with earlier had found its way into the studio, and the painting I’d been working on had taken on a much darker shape.
“I feel like I should leave you to it?” he said as he stepped closer to the canvas. “There’s so much black…”
The majority of the piece was covered in black paint, thick rivulets of rust cut through the negative space, breaking up the monochrome.
He looked at me, uncertainty breaking through his wonder. “It’s kind of creepy.”
If you could hear her you’d understand.
I wan
ted to tell him.
The witch inside my head licked her fingernails as I glared at my painting. A macabre representation of what it was like in my brain every time she spoke.
“I don’t know if I’m going to keep this one,” I admitted.
“Why not?” he asked, raising his hand like he wanted to touch it, but kept his fingers an inch away from the wet paint.
“Are you still up for swimming?” I asked, changing the subject, and he smiled.
“Yeah, ready if you are?” He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Hi.”
I folded my arms around his waist, letting the soft material of his hoodie press against my cheek. He smelled like fabric softener and chlorine.
“You all right?” he asked as I pulled away.
“Bad night,” I said and removed the painting from the easel.
“Want to talk about it?”
I threw the canvas into the large trash can near the wall.
“I want to swim.”
He looked over my shoulder at the painting sticking halfway out of the green plastic bin.
“Sounds good to me.”
He let me brood on the way to the Aquatic Center. I was stuck in my head. I didn’t even look at the few straggling students as they passed by on the lawn. I found my gravity, though, by the time we got to the front doors, when it was safe for him to hold my hand again. The heat of his palm centered me.
Inside the lobby, he tugged on my braid. “See you in a few.”
I gave him my first smile of the night, his shoulders visibly relaxing as I nodded. Inside the locker room, I pulled myself together. I was the one who wanted to feel this out. To see where this thing with Kai would lead before we told my brother. Camden knew my brother in ways I never could. Maybe he was right, Blue would understand. I laughed because it was the first time I actually let myself realize that Camden had admitted to me that he knew about us. He knew and he wasn’t going to say anything. Suddenly all the guilt I had seemed overdramatic. Camden knew and the world was still spinning. Everything was quiet, and Blue would understand. I reiterated this to myself a few times, as I unknotted my braid, letting the guilt cascade down my spine with the strands of my hair.
Lighter already, I opened the door that led to the pool. Kai sat on the edge, his feet and legs dangling in the water.
He laughed to himself.
“Something funny?” I asked as I sat down next to him.
He ran his fingers through his chocolate brown hair, almost black when it was wet. “I almost forgot how hot you looked in that suit.” Warmth leaked into my cheeks, down to my neck. His gaze gave me confidence. “I barely survived last time.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m glad you lived.”
His bare arm brushed mine as he turned to look at me. Almost nose to nose, he said, “Me, too.”
Kai tilted his head slightly to the left as he closed the distance between us. His hand ran along the curve of my neck, his fingers tangled in my hair as I opened my mouth, letting his tongue slide past my lips.
After a few sweet seconds, he broke the kiss, resting his head against my brow. “You seem better now.”
“I am,” I whispered. “Today was one of those dark days I told you about.” I kissed his cheek, his jaw, and risked the truth. “I don’t want that to scare you away.”
He framed my face. “I’m not going anywhere, remember?” A somber shadow covered his features. “Don’t hate me...”
He lowered his hands to my waist. The shadow parting like storm clouds as he smiled and pulled us both into the water. Kai kept our heads above the surface, and I scrambled to find the floor of the pool with my feet. He laughed as I caught my bearings, and I splashed him in the face, his smug smile somehow both enraging and endearing.
“You suck.” My pouting only made him smile wider.
“Come here,” he said, grabbing my waist and pulling me toward him.
The skin on my legs, my arms, my exposed belly, puckered as the heat of his body permeated mine. We’d been skirting around each other for weeks, he’d sleep over, we’d make out, he’d put on the brakes, and we’d fall asleep. But skin to skin. Like this. His hands on fire, on my hips, his arousal resting against my stomach. He was tangible. Alive, like fire dancing over water. The ache between my legs uncontainable. Kai had been in my bed more nights than not, but this… nothing between us besides a thin layer of fabric, was more intimate than we’d ever been.
I could see the pulse in his neck; feel the hardness of his body as his fingertips trailed over my ribs. He kissed his favorite spot, the hollow between my throat and clavicle. He followed a path along my jaw to my ear. His breath warm and damp against my ear. “I want to make you feel good.”
My heart was a wrecking ball, crashing fast and swift against each rib, against my sternum as the thumb of his right hand dipped below the waistline of my bikini. My pulse pounded in my fingertips as I rested my hands against his chest. Weak for him, my lips parted as he kissed me so slowly I wanted to drown in the softness of his mouth, in the sharp bite of his teeth as he scraped them along my upper lip. Raising my arms, I draped them around his neck, lifting my body, my legs winding tightly around his hips. Kai held me in place, a low moan sounded in his throat as I rocked against him.
He breathed my name, his fingers digging into the flesh of my backside, dragging my body down onto his. He shuddered, groaned into my mouth as his soft kisses became violent. Violet like the boy I’d watched from afar for so long. His colors were mine now, and I wanted to be what he needed. I reached between our bodies, reaching for him, wanting to feel all that desire in my hand, but he stopped me, grasped my wrist.
“Wait.” He kissed me again, drawing my hand up and placing it on his shoulder.
Kai’s mouth moved over mine, the rhythm of our kiss matched the rhythm of his hips, and I whimpered as he pushed against me in the perfect spot. Kai backed us into the wall of the pool and our teeth bumped together. He rubbed against the same spot, and I moaned as his fingertips bruised my hips. I welcomed the pain of it, of him. Something simmered under the surface of my skin, under the bone and blood, itching and screaming, I clenched my teeth as his mouth brushed over my jaw, my neck. His right hand skated across my stomach, and I trembled as he hesitated, his thumb teasing the elastic hem of my suit.
“Yes,” I said, answering an unspoken question as his brown eyes, now black and hungry, held me tightly against the wall.
Kai’s chest heaved with each breath, he was torn, drawn out in shades of red and orange. Painted in stark waves of want. I counted ten breaths before he rested his forehead on my shoulder and whispered, “Not like this.”
A faucet of cold water turned itself on inside me. Everything was weighted and saturated as a lump formed inside my throat.
Not like this.
Not right now.
We should stop.
A collection of his three worded phrases had me wondering if he meant not with you.
Embarrassed and self-conscious, I gave him my own three words as he lifted his head. “I should go.”
“Indie…”
I pressed my lips together, fighting the emotion building behind my eyes and extricated myself from his hold. He didn’t say anything as we both lifted ourselves from the water. I couldn’t look at him as we neared the locker room doors. Humiliation flooded my cheeks as he spoke, his tone unsure. “Meet me in the lobby?”
I nodded and watched as the door of the men’s locker room closed.
He doesn’t want you.
He sees you.
And he doesn’t want it.
I felt it. Felt him against my stomach, against the pulse between my legs. He was hiding from it. From me. Maybe from the guilt he harbored, too. Kai wanted me and I wanted him, and I couldn’t let this crappy day end this way. I was twisted up with need. This desire growing inside me was at full bloom, and I wanted to be brave, wanted to know what it was like to let the knots inside me unravel.
Not like this.
/>
Not right now.
We should stop.
I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want his chivalry. I wanted his hands, his mouth—his heart.
With a shaky breath, I took a step, my fingers trembling as I placed them against the men’s door and pushed it open. I could hear the water as it rained down against the shower floor. The white noise of it loud enough to blot out my wild heart. The room was exactly like the women’s facilities. Rows of lockers hid the showers and toilets in the back. I walked past a few rows and paused when I saw a locker open. A St. Peter’s swim bag sat unzipped, Kai’s basketball shorts and hoodie spilling from within.
Like this.
Right now.
Please don’t stop.
I let my feet move me toward the showers, the steam hovered as I got closer, and as I rounded the last row of lockers I found him.
He didn’t gasp or jump. He was frozen, arrested, framed in heat as he swore under his breath. “What are you doing?”
Skin, miles of defined, tan skin, uninterrupted muscle, sculpted and graphic. His naked body wasn’t like any of the statues I’d learned about in art history. Everything about him was explicit. His chest was red from where the hot water had beat against him. Smooth and wet, I wanted to measure each muscle, follow them down to the indentations along either side of his hips, to the place where all that desire gathered, heavy and thick. I met his dark gaze as he stood there, unashamed, glorious, like a god among men, he commanded the space between us as if to say, I dare you to come closer.
“Indie,” he cautioned, or maybe pleaded, as I took the last few steps.
The hot water coated my skin, too, as I stared up into his wet lashes. His jaw was fixed, his nostrils flared, and despite the heat billowing around us, he shivered as my fingertips trailed over his chest, down over the muscles in his abdomen, along the sharp grooves of his hips, until my thumb dusted through the line of dense, coarse hair and lingered.
“I want to make you feel good.” I gave him back his words, made them my own, hoping he’d understand that like this, flesh to flesh, there was no place for his chivalry. “Show me how.”
Kai lifted my chin with his left hand, his right circled my wrist as he leaned down and bit my bottom lip. His nails gently trailed up my arm, his hand falling from my face as he sipped from my lips, his tongue licking and tasting. He didn’t try and stop me, didn’t utter any words as his fingers snapped open the front clip of my top. There was a part of me that wanted to cover up, afraid he wouldn’t like what he saw. The girl still standing outside the locker room door in a wake of insecurity. But he pulled his lips from mine, his eyes shining like onyx as his hands cupped my breasts. Kai swallowed, his throat working, his touch reverent. All the heat in my body pooled below my belly, between my legs, as he licked drops of water from my neck, his hand slipping under the fabric of my bottoms, and my breath caught in my throat.
Seven Shades of You Page 22