My dad didn’t hesitate, wrapping me in his big, warm arms. My face burrowed into his chest, his citrus scent filling my lungs as I fractured. He held me together, my shoulders shaking as I cried. I had no right to be upset, had no right to care who Kai had slept with, but this somehow felt like a betrayal anyway.
Dad’s heavy palm rested on the back of my head, his deep voice rumbled as he spoke. “Talk to me, baby girl.”
His long beard tickled my neck as he squeezed me close. I didn’t want to let go, but I knew my father, and if I didn’t start talking soon, my anxiety would become his, and I couldn’t let him bear that burden for me, knowing how much he already held of his own. Pulling away, he wiped the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. His inked arms, muscled, even now with his beard more salt than pepper, he was my home, and I found it easier to breathe, having him this close.
“Dad…” My voice cracked.
I had no idea where to start. My dad was my safe space. I’d never hidden anything from him, but if I told him this, told him how stupid I was, how naïve, he’d look at me differently. I could handle my voices, my doubt, but I wasn’t sure I could handle his disappointment.
You’re filthy.
Disgusting.
He lifted my chin, his face serious as stone, but open in a way that only I could understand. His clear eyes held secrets, like me, and the doubt I harbored, he could read it like it was written on my skin. “Don’t give them your silence, don’t let them win… talk to me.”
I did. I told him everything. I told him how I’d watched Kai from afar for so long. How I’d fallen for him so irrevocably. How I wanted to have something of my own, and how I was afraid if I’d told Royal my feelings he wouldn’t have understood. I admitted to myself, and to my dad, though irrational I’d worried that he wouldn’t let me have Kai, this one thing that we both shared, for myself. I told him how I gave myself to this boy, this boy who had the world on his shoulders, who’d loved my brother enough to risk his future, who took care of his mom, who’d said he loved me, who’d slept with my friend and never told me. I told my dad everything through swollen, tear-drunk eyes. We sat on the floor, my head on his knee as I cried, as I purged the witch from my system and spoke aloud every hateful word she’d infected me with.
“Maybe he was afraid to tell you about Daphne. It’s no excuse, but sometimes we do stupid shit to hold onto the people we love.”
“He didn’t have to tell me about Daphne. I know that… but I wish he had. I wish he would’ve trusted me enough to know I wouldn’t have cared.”
“As much as you trusted Royal not to care?” he asked, the sadness in his voice unmistakable. I sat up, meeting my dad’s cool blue gaze. “Love is a twisted thing. It hurts as much as it heals. It’s painful to watch you go through this…” The rough skin around his eyes crinkled. “But it’s important that you do. You can’t love someone with your whole heart if it started with a lie. Dishonesty is a shadow, Pink. It’s a shadow you can’t smudge away with your thumb, and even in the night, when everything is dark, it will follow you. It infiltrates every good thing. I might know from experience.” He smiled, and I leaned my head onto his shoulder.
“You and Mom?” I asked, and he nodded.
“It took us nine years to find each other again after we let the lies of our life destroy us. Don’t let that happen to you.” He cleared his throat, stifling the emotion I could see building in his eyes.
I started to cry all over again. Breathless, my heart ached. I didn’t want Daphne’s admission to ruin what had happened last night. I didn’t want her words to hold any truth. I was more than a hookup. More than a one-night-stand. I was… more.
“Kai hasn’t called or texted?”
I shook my head, and the strain of my silent answer could be seen in the straight line of my father’s shoulders.
“That boy better be dead in a ditch somewhere…”
“Dad.” I gasped, my fingers shaking at the thought.
“If he doesn’t call you… I’ll drive down there and kill him myself.”
“Not before I do.” Royal’s angry declaration filled the studio like a flame, gobbling up the oxygen in the room.
“Blue…”
His eyes were rimmed with red, his cheeks pale and wet.
“How long?” he asked from where he stood in the open doorway.
“Son,” Dad cautioned, but Royal glared at me anyway.
“How long?” he demanded, his hands balled into fists at his sides.
“Royal… please listen.” My tears had begun to fall in earnest. I stood on shaky legs, my father right behind me. “I love him.”
Royal’s entire posture buckled. His shoulders sank, his face white and sad, he stared at me. “Kai?”
Royal held a quiet vigil under the frame of the door as I told him how I’d fallen in love with his best friend. I told him about our late-night studio sessions, and how they’d turned into something Kai and I had never expected. How his friend had become my friend, and how I wanted to make sure that what had developed between Kai and me was real before we risked telling him. I told him Kai was the only boy to ever see me, to ever want me, and with heavy, wet lashes, I told him that Kai had fallen for me, too. How Kai had purposely kept his distance last semester out of loyalty for Royal. I told him Kai would never hurt me, even though the voice inside my head laughed and reminded me that he already had.
“You could have told me, Pink.” I made a step toward my twin and he took a step back. “I told you the minute I thought I was attracted to Camden. Do you know how scary that was for me? You… you lied to me… We tell each other things. We trust each other. Or, at least… I thought we did.”
“That’s not fair. You said it yourself, Blue, you’d told all your friends to stay away from me… that you didn’t want them hooking up with me. What was I supposed to do?” I was yelling now, my anger bursting like orange stars.
“Exactly. Hooking up. Indie, it’s what he does! Kai doesn’t give a shit, he doesn’t deserve…” His sentence lost steam toward the end and his eyes widened. Royal mumbled to himself about it being complicated and something else… about being tied in knots? I couldn’t hear, but it was as if he stumbled on a memory only he could see. He raked his fingers through his hair, and he stared at me, his anger wilting at the edges.
“Royal…” My dad rested his hand on my brother’s shoulder. A look I couldn’t decipher passed between father and son.
“You haven’t heard from him…” Royal asked, his jaw tight. “Since this morning?”
My brother turned, walking toward me and I shook my head, watching as his fury morphed into a steely shade of silver. Royal pulled me into a hug, freeing the sob stuck behind the dam inside my chest, soaking his shirt, and whispered, “He better fucking call.”
Kai
The house was quiet and dark as I shut the front door behind me. Heavy legs led me to the couch where I collapsed. When I closed my eyes, I tried to draw some sort of picture behind them. Anything but the image of my mother in that hospital bed with tubes coming out of her arms, her throat, anything but the horror show—like a coward—I’d left behind. I mashed my eyelids shut, let the burn shore up against my lashes, and let the rage clog my throat. I screamed until it hurt, until all I could see were the spots behind my eyes. Exhausted, I allowed myself to break. The weight in my arms anchored me to the couch, to this pitch blackness behind my eyes, to the fight. I wouldn’t open the fridge and drink myself asleep. I’d sit here and roar. Scream until I was raw with noise, until the quiet rhythm of my mother’s ventilator no longer haunted me.
Disoriented, I woke up, what I assumed was several hours later. The room was filled with rays of gray light. The front window curtains were parted only a few inches, allowing the morning sun to spill across the floor. I felt hungover, and I hadn’t had one drop of alcohol as an excuse. It hurt to swallow, like I’d downed an entire gallon of whiskey, and binge smoked a carton of cigarettes. My neck pinched as I
sat up, shooting a sharp pain down my shoulder. A crack in my lip split as I yawned, the bitter taste in my mouth made me nauseous. The sick feeling brought a rush of memories to the surface from yesterday. Startled and desperate for the time, I reached into my pocket for my phone, remembering as I grasped inside the empty pocket, I’d left it in my mother’s room when I’d called nine-one-one. I hadn’t spoken to Indie since I’d left her dorm yesterday morning. I wanted to hear her voice. One good thing to remind me that not everything in my life had come apart at the seams.
I stood too quickly, dizziness from lack of food—I couldn’t even remember when I’d eaten last—hit me like a sucker punch. I closed my eyes to gather myself, my head aching as I found my center.
My mother’s room was a mess. I tried, and failed, to hide from the details scattered on her bed, on the floor. The paper backing from the paramedics’ AED pads seemed so innocent, like tiny white flakes, pieces of discarded paper, no big deal, strewn randomly on the floor. The comforter half wet with her urine and vomit, the room smelled worse than the hospital. My heart started to sprint as I took notice of all the little things. The Tylenol bottle, tipped and opened on the dresser, the pills sprinkled over the wood. This room was a still-life representation of chaos.
I grabbed my phone, and pressed the power button knowing I wouldn’t be that lucky. I was right. It was dead.
I didn’t look at the details as I left the room behind. I didn’t want to remember any of it. I was grateful I knew CPR. That the paramedics had been able to stabilize her. That the pneumonia was treatable. I needed to get back to the hospital. See if she was breathing on her own. I didn’t want that tomb of a bedroom to be the last place my mother had smiled.
There was always a charger in the kitchen and, after I plugged my phone into the jack, I opened the cabinet to grab a glass. The tap water had an almost metallic flavor, but it soothed the dry cracks inside my throat, so I didn’t complain. The liquid hit my empty stomach like a brick and the nausea returned full force. I was searching for my mom’s stash of Saltines when I heard the front door open. Glancing at my phone, I noted the red bar. Two percent. I could charge it at the hospital, I argued, but my head spun with hunger. If I was going to make it through this day, if I wanted to be there for her when she woke up, I needed to deal with my dad, stay put, and pull my shit together.
“Kai?” my dad called out my name, and I dropped my head, bracing my hands on the counter.
“In here,” I shouted, wishing I hadn’t.
The pulse in my head pounded like a drum, and I winced.
“Hey.” His voice was as rough as mine.
His brown hair was greasy, flopping over his forehead as he ran his fingers through it. Dark circles created deep crescents under his eyes.
“She’s breathing on her own.”
“Really?” My heart jumped, and I noticed he had a small smile on his lips.
“Took her off the vent at five a.m. She was fighting it.” He plopped down onto the barstool on the other side of the counter from where I stood. My dad’s face fell into his hands. Hands I’d once thought were strong, but now seemed old and weathered. His entire body shook as he started to cry. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but I didn’t have the strength. “She’s strong,” he sputtered into his palms and lifted his chin.
“I know.”
He wiped at his eyes with the heels of his palms. “She asked for you. I told her I sent you home for sleep.” Skeptical, he appraised me. “Did you sleep at all?”
“A few hours.” I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Are you sober?”
My spine straightened. “Yes, I’m fucking sober.”
“Don’t act like I’m crazy for asking.”
“Are you serious right now?” I shoved back from the counter, practically ripping the charger cord from the wall.
“Where are you going?” he asked as I shoved my phone into my pocket.
Clenching the black cord in my fist, I said, “To see Mom.”
“Kai,” he yelled before I could make it to the living room.
I paused, my back stiff, and asked, “What?”
“She worried herself sick about you after break… I worried, too.”
I laughed without humor and faced him. “You’ve never worried about me, about us.”
He grit his teeth, his head shaking back and forth. “You don’t get it. You can’t understand what it’s like for me.”
“For you?” I spat. “Please, by all fucking means, tell me how hard any of this is for you.” I could feel the anger turning into tears at the corners of my eyes. I wanted to blame the lack of sleep, lack of food, for my sudden inability to hold everything in, but there was only so much one person could take.
He took a step forward, shoving his hands through his hair. “I worked my ass off to make sure she never had to be in a nursing home. I made sure you had a roof over your head, food in your stomach. You think your swimming lessons were free? Kai, I provided. I did what I fucking had to do. You’re not the only one who’s made sacrifices.”
“How much did you have to sacrifice when you cheated on Mom?” I hated that my jaw was wet, that my voice had broken.
“Everything,” he whispered. His jaw, I noticed, was wet, too. “I lost you.”
“You were never here.” I took a step backward toward the door.
As much as I hated the hospital, this, being here in this house, was worse. I’d give anything to rewind the last twenty-four hours. I’d never leave Indie’s bed.
“I wasn’t. And as much as you don’t want to hear it, that was a sacrifice, too. I lost time. I lost you. I was alone. You guys at least had each other. I needed someone, too.”
“You’re right. I don’t want to hear it.” I turned to leave, but he called my name again.
“The doctor said she’s too sick for home health, that we need to think about—”
“No, absolutely not, I’m not sending her to a nursing home.”
“What are you going to do? Quit school? Ruin your future to sit here and play nurse all day? She wouldn’t want that. She doesn’t want that for you.”
“I can’t do this.” I swung the front door open, and it wobbled on its hinges as it hit the wall.
I wanted to get in my car and drive straight to Salt Lake City. Forget it all. The thought made me feel selfish, made me feel like him. I didn’t run. I didn’t get the privilege of being “alone.”
“She’s dying, Kai.” His words found their mark and I stopped, hesitating on the front porch, my chest quaked. “She wants you to be happy, you’ve given enough. Let her be happy, Kai.”
“She agreed to a nursing home?” I asked.
“We’ve been talking about Hospice for a while, she wants to be comfortable. She’s tired of being in so much pain.” Any resistance I’d had poured down my cheeks, and my father’s hand gripped my shoulder. “The doctor suggested Orchard House.”
Orchard House was one of the nicest nursing facilities in the county. But it wasn’t home. Images from her room assaulted me. The smell of stale urine, day-old vomit, stung my nose. I turned and faced the house I’d grown up in, the man who’d had no hand in raising me, utterly isolated, and weary. I thought, I wouldn’t want to die here either.
“If it’s what she wants…” I cleared my throat.
“It’s what she wants.”
I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. “If you need me I’ll be at the hospital.”
I should’ve gone in ten minutes ago, instead I sat, staring at all the missed messages and calls. One in particular had me wishing I’d never turned on my phone in the first place.
Indie: Blue knows, and it’s a mess. God, I hope you’re okay. Please call me.
Royal knew.
I didn’t have time, room in my head, for another mess and had avoided the voicemail icon sitting in the top left corner of my screen for longer than I should have. With a long sigh, I opened my voicemail app. There were two messages. One from Indie an
d one from Royal. I figured I’d throw myself in the crossfire and listen to Royal’s first. Nothing he could say would be worse than your father telling you your mother was dying.
The message started and for three whole seconds he said nothing. When he finally spoke, his voice was eerily calm, like he’d taken those three seconds to buckle himself down.
“I don’t know what to say to you, except that my sister is a wreck right now.” He took another three seconds. This time when he spoke the threat in his voice was loud and clear. “Pink told me everything… and I’m trying really hard not to flip out, and maybe I should, someone needs to.” His voice muffled as he whispered away from the phone, probably to Camden. “Why haven’t you called her? I swear to God… this is why I never wanted her to hook up with one of my friends. You can get any chick on campus. Why her? Why Pink? Was it the challenge?” I wanted to tell him to fuck off, to yell into the phone. No, you goddamn idiot, I love her, but he exhaled and the defeat in his tone was the last bullet I could take before bleeding out. “She loves you, and I’d never take that from her, but she’s not like us, man. She’s not built like us. She breaks and it’s big… and it’s for good. It’s for forever. So if you can’t…” I heard him take four, even breaths. “If you’re not ready for big, then you should stay the hell away from my sister.”
I opened the car door and threw up on the pavement, coughed until my throat caught fire, spitting the remaining acid from my lips, I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. I was in love with her, but I didn’t know how much of myself I had left to give. My mother was dying, and a part of me would be here, in Rockport, until she did. I didn’t have a forever bone in my body. I was a twenty-one-year-old with too many masks, too many wounds. I couldn’t ask her to wade through all of my bullshit, settling for the leftover scraps I’d give her. Royal was right, she wasn’t built like us. She was built better. Deserved more.
My head hurt, my temples swollen and stretched as I raised the phone to my ear. It rang twice before she answered with a sleepy, “Hello.”
Seven Shades of You Page 27