“Like a double date.” Corbin’s lips reached to his ears.
“No.” Royal answered for me and I grabbed my box of cereal.
Opening it, I said, “Sure.”
Camden smiled and Corbin pumped his fist in the air.
“You sure you can handle us?” Dev asked.
His dark skin made the blue of his eyes sparkle as he waggled his brows.
The first genuine laugh I’d had in over a week bubbled past my lips, and I noticed Royal’s face light up at the sound. “I think I can handle you two just fine.”
Camden leaned across the table. “Do you know what you’re getting yourself into?”
“Not really, and it feels… good.”
“I will break both of your necks if—“
“Simmer down, O’Connell. We’ll have her home by midnight.”
“Eleven,” Royal countered.
“One,” I argued, and Royal’s smile, once again, mirrored mine.
He hesitated, reading me like only he could, and gently brushed his foot against mine under the table. “Twelve-thirty, on one condition.”
Corbin grumbled.
“You have fun, Pink.”
Kai
He tapped his pen on the sole of his shoe as I stared at the letter B on his name badge. Five, maybe ten minutes had passed without a single word spoken, and I started to doubt the benefit of coming here today. I risked running into Indie, but my mom had asked that I continue my therapy, and I agreed that maybe it could help. It wasn’t a secret that I was struggling. The last few days had proved harder than I thought. Alone, with my father away, I’d wanted to finish off the six-pack he’d left in the fridge. I’d almost stopped at the liquor store on my way back to campus. I didn’t even want the alcohol, didn’t want the numbness I knew it would offer me, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake the thought of having it, of just holding the option in my hand.
“Kai.” Brian finally broke the silence. “Let’s start small, okay.” He held up his hands in surrender. “You’re here… that’s good.”
“I’m here.” Leaning back in my chair, I closed my eyes. “I’m not, though.”
“Can you explain that?”
I sighed and opened my eyes. “I’m here. I’m there. I’m fucking worried.”
“Orchard House is a great facility.”
“Facility.” The word in itself made me angry.
“Let’s try something.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “What if it was the other way around? Let’s say you injured yourself. You were paralyzed from the waist down.”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
He smiled. “Humor me.”
I knew where he was going with this, but I waved my hand for him to continue.
“So you’re paralyzed, and your mom has spent the majority of the last ten years taking care of you. Over those ten years, you watch as she slowly starts to disappear. She smiles less. She’s lost weight. Maybe she’s quick to anger. Maybe she’s more tired than usual. You start to notice she’s not doing the things she used to. She’s stop caring about the hobbies she has, slipping up at work, barely making it day to day because she’s consumed with stress. She’s balancing everything on her shoulders and refuses help when it’s offered. You’re watching this person you love die, and you swore you were going to be the one to die first.”
I sucked in a breath and rubbed my fingers over my eyes. I hadn’t realized I’d started to cry until I couldn’t breathe.
“What would you want her to do, Kai? Live or die?”
“Live,” I stuttered the word.
“Live,” he whispered.
“I feel like, by living, I’ve abandoned her.”
“That’s how you see it. And that’s what you have to work on. You aren’t abandoning her. You’re giving her a last hope. Do you think she wants to part from you knowing that her death could be the reason you fail?”
“No.” I wiped my face with my shirt sleeve.
Brian leaned back and the chair creaked as he stared at me. “From what I can tell, you’ve been grieving the death of your mother for years… maybe it’s time to celebrate her life before it’s too late.”
“How?”
“Just like you said earlier… by living.”
Living.
The concept should be easy. But the weight of my phone in my pocket was hard to ignore. When would it ring? Would she be gone already? Would I have time to get there before she passed? The spring sun was warm, not a cloud in the sky, but still, everything seemed surreal. Like the painting we’d learned about in art history. Bright but sad. I’d skipped all of my classes again today, hiding in the library, working on assignments and emailing my professors, letting them know I wasn’t there, but still working.
I scanned the lawn, looking for her, for Indie. I’d been lucky this morning and hadn’t seen her at the Behavior Health Center. I wasn’t ready to see her yet. I knew myself well enough to know if I saw her; the chances of me caving were pretty high. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. Staring at the picture she sent me, I smiled. She looked happy and that’s all I wanted for her. My life was like a field riddled with landmines, one wrong step and I’d take everyone down with me.
Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I headed toward the Aquatic Center. The large wood and glass building stood like a beacon against the green of the fir trees. This was my place of forgetting. Maybe the place where I could understand what it meant to live, and as I opened the doors, the sweet, humid scent filled my nostrils. I had a rare moment of peace. Nodding to the girl at the front desk, she blushed as I smiled and made my way to the locker rooms. It was loud and perfect, the voices of my teammates echoed off the marble floor and metal lockers as the door shut behind me.
Corbin was the first to notice me, and of course, nothing that kid did could be chill. “Carter’s back.” His smile was wide, but there was something sad underneath it, or maybe I’d imagined it.
The locker room quieted down, everyone’s eyes were on me, and as I passed my teammates, I was welcomed back with strong hands. A clap on my shoulder or a fist to bump. Even coach watched me with warm eyes as I passed his office.
I raised my hand in greeting. “Hey, Coach.”
“Hey, kid, good to see you.”
I offered him a smile, and as I turned toward my locker, I was greeted with a familiar pair of cool blue eyes.
“Hey,” I said, holding onto the door of my locker, I exhaled a long breath.
The locker room started to buzz with chatter as Royal unzipped his bag. “When did you get back?” he asked.
“This morning.” I lifted my shirt over my head and stuffed it in my locker.
“How’s your mom?”
I winced, the question a constant reminder that I’d left her behind.
“The same.”
His hand rested on my shoulder and I lowered my head.
“I’m sorry… I—”
Turning to face him, I said, “I’m the one who should be apologizing, Royal.”
He gripped my shoulder once and let go. “You should have talked to me. But I understand.” He nodded his chin at Sherman and I realized he was staring at us. His contempt was written in the stiff stretch of his shoulders. “Sometimes hiding is necessary. But I’m your best friend. I’m the last person you ever have to hide from.”
I could have told him I wanted to tell him from day one, that it was Indie’s idea to wait, but it wouldn’t change anything. We both lied to him.
“I should have told you.”
He punched me in the chest, and I chuckled. “A week ago I probably would have punched you a lot harder. But, I’ve had time to think about everything.”
“I deserve worse,” I said, pulling my swimming trunks from my bag.
Royal locked his eyes with mine. “Do you love her?”
The muscle in my jaw pulsed as I nodded.
“Then I know you’ll do the right thing.”
“And…” he glanced over my shoulder, leaning in, he whispered, “Camden told me I needed to get over myself… We owed you one.”
He reached into his locker, using the opportunity to avoid eye contact, I asked, “How is she?”
“Indie?” he asked, pulling up his swim trunks. “I think she misses you. But she won’t talk about anything with me.”
Sitting next to her in class was going to be painful. The scent of her skin, the heat of her body. Knowing what it was like to touch her, have her… my chest hurt just thinking about it. Maybe I could ask my art history professor if there was an online course option.
“Get this…” Royal laughed. “Corbin and Dev are both taking her to the Spring Fling.”
My mouth went dry. “No shit?”
“Maybe I was too quick to forgive you. See what you started… asshole. By next semester there will a freaking line outside her dorm door.”
I fisted my swim cap in my hand, my molars aching as I crushed them together.
“Ready?” he asked, seemingly unaware of my shifted mood.
No.
I wasn’t ready for any of this.
“Yeah,” I managed to say.
But as he handed me a towel, a knowing smirk formed on his lips, and I started to think he wasn’t as oblivious as I thought.
Indigo
Brown.
It was the color of his eyes.
I threw my arm out with as much power as I could. Assaulting the canvas with thick splotches of coffee-colored paint.
I dipped my brush in the next bucket.
Black.
Like his pupils when he took from me the last thing I could give and never gave it back.
I didn’t throw the paint this time. Smearing my brush in high arches, I cut through the river of brown. It was dark and uncomfortable to look at. It was how I felt on the inside. He hadn’t shown up for class, and if Royal hadn’t told me he was at practice the other night, I wouldn’t have ever known he was even on campus.
Erased and fleeting.
There was no place for violet or red here. Only this… a muddied interpretation of what he’d left behind. It was dramatic and immature, and I was capable of better, but this was what I did. I plastered myself onto tightly stretched squares—rectangles of white—and hoped I’d find myself again somewhere in the chaos.
Wiping my hands on my overalls, I picked up a clean brush and dipped it in blue. Azure Waters, to be specific. I grabbed a stool and started at the top, directly in the center, and dragged the color down, slicing it open, and like my father, I let my monster free. My specter was formed like a wave, it ate at my confidence like a riptide through a weak shoreline. I was the sand tumbling in the azure waters. It was soundless in the depths of my mind, where time didn’t exist, and I was free to indulge in my insecurities. This was my place of remembering. Who I was. What I wanted. And those voices… how they knew me so well.
Poor girl.
Stupid.
Worthless.
I didn’t stop painting. I kept adding layer after layer until I found my tears again. I needed to break. I hadn’t really let myself fall apart since the night I’d cried in my father’s lap. I’d held myself together, pulled the shutters on all the intrusive whisperings. Dr. Sand had told me to cry, to paint, to let myself feel the loss of Kai. The loss of trust. In order to heal, I had to face my demons.
Kai loved me. Wounded me.
Discarded you. Used you.
I picked up the brush in the brown paint and slapped the canvas with another flood.
“People break up, Indie. Things you cannot control will happen. You will get hurt. You will be happy. Just remember the tools you have, the support system you’ve built.”
Dr. Sand’s words, like an alarm, shook me back to the present. Pulled me from all of my disordered thoughts and I kneeled down in front of my painting. Brown paint pooled on the ground as I stared up at the canvas.
A quiet laugh broke past my lips and I wiped my cheek in the crook of my elbow. “What a mess.”
I’d never truly lost time like my father had, and maybe tonight I hadn’t either, but as I stood, took a step back, I didn’t recognize the piece in front of me. A long, shaky breath expelled from my lungs and I felt… better.
Kai’s silence hadn’t pulled me under.
The hardest part of all of this was the guilt. What if his mother hadn’t gotten sick, would we be together? The thought made me angry at myself. I didn’t blame her. Kai had decided what he could and couldn’t handle. I waited for my brain to laugh at me, to tell me Kai never loved me at all, or something just as cruel, but all I could hear was the soft piano playing from my phone. I picked up my cell and turned off my playlist, it was late, and I needed to head back to my dorm.
I’d missed a message from Royal.
Blue: Camden is staying at my place tonight. Call me if you need me to walk you home from the studio.
As I started to type my reply, the studio door opened.
Tall and striking. His shoulders were broad and strong, his chocolate hair fell over his forehead. He looked the same, as if time had reversed back to that first night in the studio. I didn’t think the time apart would have changed him, but I’d thought, perhaps the image I had of him, where he smiled at me, his eyes alive, his mouth soft, as our bodies had become one, was simply a figment of my imagination. Kai avoided me as his tired eyes roamed over the large painting behind me.
“Is this for the showcase?” he asked, and the sound of his voice, gruff and worn, gave me goosebumps.
“I think it might be.”
Kai lowered his gaze and met my eyes. A shiver pricked along my limbs. “I don’t know why I came here.” For me, I wanted to say but didn’t. “That’s not true.” He shook his head, the rise and fall of his chest matched mine, faster with each second. He took a few steps, leaving less than two feet between us. His scent stole my breath. “I owe you an apology.”
What we shared was worth much more than just an apology.
I waved my hand, unable to form words, the burn in my eyes unbearable, I swallowed down the surge of emotion. “No.”
“Indie…”
I grit my teeth, shaking my head, my whisper was wet. “I don’t want an apology, Kai.”
I want you.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen...” He pushed his fingers through his hair, his dark eyes messy like the painting behind me. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I don’t know what the fuck is going on in my head. I’m sorry I can’t be what you need right now.”
I’m sorry you fell in love with me.
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.
These things… stayed on the tip of my tongue, and when he reached for me, I turned my cheek, avoiding his touch. “I understand.”
He exhaled, his hand falling to his side. I stared at the tips of his fingers, questioning myself if I’d made the right choice. If I’d let him touch me, it could’ve sparked something inside of him. If the feel of my skin would’ve brought the color back and maybe he’d see all we needed was each other.
But, the silence was a monochromatic slate of gray.
Kai was close enough I could see the shadows, the weight of a thousand worlds inside his eyes, and my guilt resurfaced. This was bigger than my hurt feelings. My heart was broken, but his was spent.
“I understand,” I repeated, but this time I meant it. “You have to be there for your mom. You’re stronger than you think… I don’t know what I’d do if…”
If I lost my dad or my mom, it would feel like the world had ended. Looking at him, I could see the small changes I hadn’t seen at first. The golden tan of his skin was dusky. The dark circles under his eyes were deep. The muscles in his arms seemed leaner. He was fading away right before my eyes. Without thinking about the repercussions, I eliminated the distance between us, wrapping my arms around his w
aist, my cheek pressed into his chest. Kai didn’t move as I absorbed his scent, his heat, and after a few seconds, his arms draped around my back, pulling me even closer.
He rested his chin on the top of my head, his deep voice vibrating down to the marrow in my bones as he said, “I missed this.”
I held back my tears, held in the I love you so much I wanted desperately to say, because he didn’t need my guilt trips. Kai squeezed his arms around me, trying to hold us both together. He needed this. Not me. And I’d take what I could get, even if I knew nothing would change.
“I’m here, Kai. For you… no matter what.”
He pulled away, scrubbing his palm down his face, and swore under his breath. “I can’t ask that of you…” He took three steps backward. “I shouldn’t have come here.” Pushing through the studio doors, he said, “Don’t wait for me, Indie.”
I couldn’t follow him. If this was what he wanted, if I ever wanted to find a way to move on, I had to let him go.
“Girl, you look fabulous.” Ari smiled as she released the final strand of my hair from the hot iron. Golden waves fell over my shoulders, framing my rose-stained cheeks. “How come you never wear your hair down?” she asked, covering the locks with a light mist of hairspray.
“It’s messy when I paint.” I stared at myself in the mirror. “Kai liked it when I wore my hair down.”
She gently slapped my bare shoulder. “Didn’t I just say you’re not allowed to think about him tonight?” Ari ran her fingers through my hair, separating the waves, giving them a more natural appearance. “You’re going to the dance, and you’re going to have fun. And I’m telling you right now, Dev is fine as hell, and if you get a kiss at the end of the night, I want details.”
I pinned the corner of my mouth between my teeth, suppressing my smile. “Corbin and Dev are just my friends.”
She hummed. “Sure, and I’m the Virgin Mary.”
“Ari, come on. They’re doing Royal a favor, taking his sister, who was dateless, to the dance of the year.”
“Is it weird they don’t know about you and Kai, or is that just me?”
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