by Kim Karr
BEGIN AGAIN
I’ve been spending the last years
Thinking love will always leave you
I wondered if it would all begin again
Memories of years ago flood my mind
And I can’t help but think of you.
Shimmering through the desert haze of Nevada is the most dynamic city on earth. My plane is just about to touch down on the ground that’s often referred to as a latter-day El Dorado. My stomach is in knots. It’s a mix of nervous excitement and downright fear. I’m nervous because this is my first day back to work in almost two years. I’m excited because I finally feel like I’m doing something productive after so long. And I’m fearful because of who I will be interviewing to prep for his upcoming photo-shoot. Well, I’m not really fearful as much as uncertain or maybe even apprehensive, or dare I say, eager to meet with him.
We’ve been circling the airport waiting to land for almost forty-five minutes. I’m sitting in the plush leather seat of the plane listening to the music I recently downloaded. Looking out the window and past the clouds, I can see the crowded and famous Las Vegas strip. I’m trying to comprehend how I allowed myself to be talked into this job. How is it that in just a few short minutes I’m going to be seeing River again?
Earlier this morning Aerie texted me a list of hygiene items I might want to attend to before hitting my first ‘freelance’ job. These items included shaving my legs and blow-drying my hair, both of which she knows I’ve done very infrequently since Ben’s death. She also rudely advised me to put some thought in my wardrobe selection.
Last night I carefully picked out what I was going to wear today. I had decided on a white blouse, a black pencil skirt, and the standard high-heeled black pumps. However, after listening to The Wilde Ones’ album this morning, their music actually inspired me to want to go to work today.
I happily showered and used my favorite grapefruit-scented shampoo. I not only took extra time to lather it in and repeat the process, but I decided to ditch my chosen business attire in favor of something more fun. My showers are usually the five-minute quick in and out kind, but today it lasted much longer. I can’t say why, but I just felt different, maybe even excited in a way I can’t really describe. I actually danced around my bedroom before getting dressed. I hadn’t done that in a while.
Feeling concerned about my appearance for the first time in a long time, I decided casual was better than trendy, and then decided sophisticated was better than casual, and in the end went with a mix of all three. I opted to wear black skinny jeans and my most loved white swing top with the words The Kinks scripted diagonally across it and the word Lola underneath in black faded scroll. I threw on my gray moto leather jacket with the hoodie snapped off, and a pair of black open toed wedge booties. I haven’t been shopping in so long, I don’t even know if the shoes are still in style, but they are comfortable. I added some eyeliner, mascara, and lip-gloss and I was ready to go.
As the plane finally lands, I take a deep breath, and walk down the jetway. I laugh as I read the sign at the end of the walkway that says, “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.” As I make my way through the airport, I smile again as I hear the sounds of the slot machine handles being pulled and bells ringing for the lucky winners gambling in the Las Vegas Airport. After collecting my luggage in baggage claim, I set foot on Sin City’s pavement and wait for a taxi to take me to my destination.
It’s early November and the weather is crisp and mild. I’m sitting in the back seat of a taxicab, feeling the bright sunshine through the window permeate my skin. I embrace the warmth and take a few deep breaths, trying to curb my sudden onset of jitters. I have so many emotions going through my head as I think of the two extreme outcomes of meeting River again today. How will I feel if he doesn’t remember me? How will I feel if he does? The answer to both questions . . . I have no idea.
Knowing I’m in a hurry, the driver tells me he will take the fastest route he can. As he’s explaining that it is the longer way, mileage wise around the strip, but much shorter, time wise, I zone out. God, what if he doesn’t remember me when I’ve never been able to forget him or what if he does and we still have that instant connection? Is he still adorably charming and utterly charismatic? Why am I even thinking this way and why do I care? I’m here to do a job and that is all I need to be thinking about. River is just a person I have to interview to prepare a photo-shoot for. I’ve done this job a thousand times. “Just do your job, that’s all you have to do,” I say to myself over and over again.
I watch the multitude of people walking down the sidewalk, men and women, couples and families, winners and losers, I think about how they’re all here to forget about their everyday lives. I decide today is the perfect day for me to do the same. I’m going to get lost in this city too. Today I’m Dahlia London, the photographer. I can be that girl. I was that girl. I am that girl. Today I will not be Dahlia London, poor girl whose fiancé was killed in front of her.
The sunlight streaming through the cab window is reflecting off the diamonds of my bracelet. As I look out onto the street I see a man dressed in a suit, walking while checking his phone and I can’t help but think of Ben. Ben was always multitasking, able to accomplish more in a single day than I ever could in a week. Today these thoughts aren’t sad thoughts. Instead I smile at the memory they provoke of the man that was so driven and so successful at such a young age. Taking deep cleansing breaths, I look at my bracelet again and remember the reason I will never take it off. The promise I made to myself to have no regrets. Those thoughts are what I will take with me as I interview the one man I had an almost dalliance with once, a long time ago.
The taxi is approaching the office building located on East Harmon Avenue, just a few blocks east of the Hard Rock Hotel where I will be staying. Since I’m running short on time, I decide against dropping my bags off at the hotel first.
I hop out of the cab and I hear my phone’s familiar ringtone. I answer it while grabbing my suitcase and messenger bag to make my way into the building. With my shoulder holding the phone to my ear, I open the large double doors to the building that houses Sound Music’s office. The lobby is quiet; it’s Friday afternoon so I suspect many employees are gone for the weekend. Aerie is on the other end of the phone frantically screaming that I’m late and telling me to get up to the seventh floor immediately because River is already there. After reassuring Aerie that I’ve arrived and am on my way up, I exit the elevator and hit the end button on my phone.
Practically running to get to the conference room, I trail my suitcase with my messenger bag on top of it behind me. I turn the corner and start down the hallway where I can see through the conference room’s glass wall. There he sits, River Wilde, looking down at his phone. My heart is pounding at the mere sight of him, and the feelings of the young girl crush I had on him five years ago come flooding back.
I slow down my pace, take a few deep breaths, and pause to straighten my jacket. The shift of my body weight causes my messenger bag to fall off the top of my suitcase, making a loud noise on the marble floor. Looking around the empty hall, I pick up my bag and continue walking, but as I lift my eyes and River Wilde comes into view, he’s no longer looking at his phone. He’s watching me instead. He’s still just as captivating as he was so long ago, but this time the word ‘dangerous’ no longer applies.
My legs are shaking and my stomach is doing flip-flops as I make my way to the conference room. I’m not a nervous person by nature, but the fact that I asked myself, ‘Could love at first sight be real?’ when I met him that night makes me nervous as hell. The silence in the office adds to my anxiety; the only sound that can be heard is that of my shoes clicking across the tile floor.
As I approach the door, I can see him running his hand through his hair. He’s walking around the conference table towards the door, and we reach it at the same time. With a nervous grip, I grab the door handle, dropping my eyes from his as my Cartier bracelet hits again
st the glass, causing a sharp pain to radiate through my wrist.
I wince as I stumble into him. Once our bodies meet, my nervousness evaporates and it is replaced by a bevy of heightened senses. I’m so close to him. I can smell his soapy, just-showered scent that I remember so well. I can feel his hard body, and as I look up, I can see the smoothness of the skin on his face, which makes my knees buckle beneath me.
Goosebumps run up my arms and down my legs. Our collision has awakened something in me. It’s something as simple and pure as desire. Something I haven’t felt in a very long time.
Gaining all of my composure I look up into his gleaming green eyes, the intensity is still so powerful anyone looking into them might never get out. I already know I don’t want to get out. I’m sure I’m staring as I continue to gaze into his eyes searching for that same look he gave me long ago, but before I can find it our contact is broken.
He takes a step back and I notice his gleaming eyes studying the length of my body. Remembering I am supposed to be Dahlia London, the interviewer, I try to push the wanton girl aside and replace her with the professional one. However, trying to manage multiple personalities has never been easy for me. I drop my eyes to escape his power and begin to speak a mash of garbled words that make very little sense even to me. “Excuse me, I’m so sorry, thank you, and oh shit.”
Shifting my gaze into the room, embarrassed by my lack of professionalism, I somehow manage to look at him again. I take in his faded jeans, black Doc Marten boots, and gray t-shirt with the word Fender scripted across in black. He’s still so overwhelmingly attractive. He looks just how I remember him; no, he looks even better. The guy I had talked to one night at a bar five years ago is now a man.
Still grinning, he chuckles and crosses his arms. “No apology necessary, that’s the kind of crash I wouldn't mind having every day.”
Giving him a polite nod, I continue to stand there, and I’m wondering if he really doesn’t remember me.
“Let me get your bags for you,” he says as he takes hold of the items in my hand. Crossing into the room, he sets my black messenger bag on the table in front of us and then, picking up my suitcase, he casually walks to the corner of the room and sets it next to his guitar case, which is leaning against the wall. I can’t help but notice his walk is still a sway and still full of confidence.
Turning around, he strides back to the conference table, showing no sign of recognition and I begin to feel a little deflated. He stops at the table where I first saw him and we stand across from each other, the table as our divide.
Glancing at my suitcase and pointing to the glass wall he asks, “Are you sleeping here? Because there isn’t much privacy.”
I let out a soft laugh and he chuckles to himself.
Trying to decide if I should mention we have met before, I decide against it. I’m not sure he remembers me; actually I’m pretty sure he doesn’t, so why further embarrass myself?
Garnering all of my composure and remembering I’m here to do a job, I remove my jacket and stand up straight, extending my hand. “Hello, I am Dahlia London from Sound Music. I’m so sorry I’m late.”
River extends his hand to meet mine, and I think I see a little glimmer in his eyes but I’m not sure. “Dahlia, hmmm . . . a flower. Well it’s nice to finally meet you,” he remarks as his lopsided grin returns.
“Aerie has been texting me your location for the past hour,” he says glancing at his phone.
“You already know who I am, so we can skip that part of the introductions. Agreed?” he asks smirking, as he sits down and motions for me to do the same.
“Sounds great,” I say, sitting down and taking in this man in his entirety. Reflecting back to that night so long ago, which now seems like yesterday, I try to see through his words. His words make me start to question my first impression that he doesn’t remember me. So does he or doesn’t he? Is he playing with me? Well this time around, I’m not playing a game. This is a business meeting, so let’s get down to business. With that thought, I unzip my bag, take out my tablet, pen, and paper, and avoid looking into his eyes at all costs.
Glancing around the room, I notice the stark surroundings. The room houses simply a conference table, chairs, and a credenza. There is no white board, no easel, nothing to make notes on. Pulling a larger tablet and colored pencils from my bag, I place them in the center of the table. River looks inquisitively at the items. “For our final layout,” I say with a grin.
Leaning back in his chair and placing his hands behind his neck, River responds mischievously, “Whatever you say. As long as I’m not the one drawing, anything goes.”
“I won’t grade you on your inability to draw a simple diagram,” I retort, giving him a half-grin of my own.
I start the interview by asking River for a brief history of his band. I continue with questions that include the band members themselves, their likes and dislikes for clothing and locations, and their favorite memories from their first tour. This takes about thirty minutes and our conversation is flowing in a very businesslike manner.
Moving past the band’s history, I move on to ask him questions about the new album. Before answering, River gets up from his chair and strides across the room to the credenza, pouring us each a glass of ice water from a pitcher. The room is silent as I watch him walk, relaxed and confident. It is the sexiest thing I have ever seen, aside from him. As I’m staring at his backside, I notice his ass is somewhat flat as his jeans hang a little and think his ass is also the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
River circles the table and sits next to me. This little move surprises me and makes me lose my train of thought. My mind trails off the business track course it has been steering on so well. He turns his chair to face me, points to my shirt, and says, “Lola ranks in my top ten all-time favorite songs. It’s actually on my phone.” He takes his phone out of his pocket touches the screen a few times and shows me, in case I doubted him.
“That's cool, we obviously have similar taste in music,” I say in response while trying to catch a glimpse at what else is in his music library.
“Where did you get that t-shirt anyway? It looks like the actual shirt sold when the album One for the Road was released in 1980,” River asks as he stands up and pulls me up with him.
The goosebumps quickly return on both my arms and legs as he tugs the hem of my shirt and demands, “Turn around, let me see something.” He twirls his finger in a 180-degree arc in case I didn’t understand his words.
Looking directly into his powerful eyes, I give him a questioning look before turning around. Without even thinking I jump into his game headfirst. His scent, his closeness, the way my body reacts to his touch have paralyzed me and I welcome the chance to turn around and try to swim out of his green, crystal ball-like eyes. God he’s just so mesmerizing, and I need to pull myself together and get back on track.
His phone chimes from the table, but he ignores it. With my back to River he pulls the collar back on my shirt and reads the tag. “Holy shit, this is an original! Do you have any idea how long I have been searching for one of these?” Then he makes me laugh when he apologizes. “Sorry, my mother taught me better than to swear in front of women.”
Stifling full out laughter I say, “Don’t worry about it, I say shit just about every other sentence.” With that, he chuckles along with me.
The ease of conversation we so easily picked up that night in the bar so long ago comes back immediately. Well, for me anyway as I realize this is just River’s way with women. He’s flirtatious and charming and must have the same rapport with all the women he meets. Embracing this knowledge, I continue to converse with the savvy, almost famous rock star.
I relax and sit back in my chair and start telling River all about my father and his obsession with music and concert t-shirts. I make sure not to repeat what I’d told him that night so long ago, I’m not sure why. Talking now, I realize that our conversation that night so long ago was just one of many intimate co
nversations he has probably had in his lifetime. It’s his nature; it is who River Wilde is.
I continue to talk and converse with him because honestly, I haven’t felt this comfortable in a man’s company in a long time. I try to keep in mind that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t remember me; I’m having fun now. And besides, I was the one who ran away from him that night after a short conversation and a single kiss. Seriously, how memorable could one conversation and one kiss be with one girl in a crowded bar anyway?
Glancing at the clock on the wall I notice it’s almost five o’clock and I have only just started the interview needed to prepare for The Wilde Ones’ upcoming photo shoot. River must have seen the concern in my face because he looks at the same clock and casually asks, “I don’t have any pressing plans for tonight. We could finish the interview over dinner?”
I have spent the last hour discussing everything music with this attractively charming man. I told him about all the concerts I have been to, he told me all the bands he has seen, and we listed our top songs, top artists, top singles, and top albums. Throughout our conversation, he continued to stare at me with those twinkling green eyes, grinning occasionally, even when what we were talking about wasn’t funny. He played air guitar when I mentioned a song with a great strings solo and mocked playing drums when an artist we were talking about was known for his drumming ability. He was actually very playful and I was enjoying myself immensely, actually I was having a blast. I even grabbed a pen and pretended to sing my favorite Britney song, which really made him laugh. So dinner . . . sure why not?
Just as I start to answer, my cell phone rings. It’s stashed in my purse, and I reach to grab it, in case it is Aerie. Picking the purse up off the table, I accidently dump all of its contents.
“Shit!” I yell, holding up my index finger. “Sorry, give me a sec, that could be my boss,” I say rolling my chair back and kneeling on the floor under the table to find my phone and gather my things. I find my phone first, right in between River’s feet.