by Kim Karr
“Dahlia! Listen to me!” he says, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t want my heart to break again so instead I turn around and start walking in the other direction toward his car as he keeps pace. I navigate the sidewalk surprisingly well considering how foggy my brain feels. The air and life that was being sucked out of me becomes emptiness. Neither of us says another word. As we reach the parking garage, I just want to feel the bliss one more time, but I don’t think I will.
With my whole body shaking, I get into the car and wait for him to sit. Grabbing his cold cheeks, I look at him and I see he’s shaking as well. With tears in my eyes and sadness in my voice, I say what I know I’ve felt since Xander told me about his sister. “Here’s the thing River, I’ve already lost someone I loved, and it almost killed me. What I feel for you is so much more than I ever expected, and I know that if I stay here with you and begin to live again that I won’t survive losing you. And losing you is inevitable. We can’t be together if your family blames me for your sister’s accident. In the end, it will be our undoing.”
Shaking his head, he grabs my cheeks and forces me to look at him. “That’s just it Dahlia. No one blames anyone. Bell is happy. Our family is happy. It is Xander who can’t accept what happened. And to answer your question, yes my family knows about then and about now and they are happy for me, for us.” His eyes are glassy as he holds my gaze then leans in and kisses me. With that kiss I feel the air return to my lungs and life returns.
I pull away from his soft lips, confused in my current state of mind. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like this night has been a reality check. “I believe you, but it’s still time for me to stop playing house with you. I have to go home tomorrow.”
LITTLE THINGS
Your hand fits in mine
Like it’s made just for me
It just makes sense that we were meant to be
I see the faint freckles on your nose
These are the little things I love about you.
“Dalhia,” he says, his tone is as dark and sad as the place I have lived for the past two years before meeting him. “One day, if you change your mind . . . just know you’ll always be my once in a lifetime.”
He presses kisses to my forehead and nose, then turns, leaving me at the front door to the house I shared with Ben for so many years. The house that is now empty is the house where, once again, I will be alone.
Fear starts to wretch through my body, not from being alone, but from being without him. Was I wrong in my decision? Did he not tell me for us? Can we get past this? My questions don’t really matter because it’s too late. I have already said things I shouldn’t have. I made the decision to end us.
“Don’t leave me,” I yell as he walks down the path leading to another life.
Turning and glancing at me over his shoulder, his eyes are no longer gleaming their perfect shade of green; they’re cloudy, hazy even. “I’m not,” he says as he keeps walking. “You left me, beautiful girl.”
Tears stream down my face as I let him go, and he fades into the horizon.
Waking, my body thrashes in the sheets, and my fists clutch the pillows.
“Fuck,” I mutter to myself as relief washes through me when I realize it was just a dream. No it wasn’t a dream; it was a nightmare. Reaching over, there is no one there to hold me. It hurts to not have him here with me. Waking up with him next to me the last few days has been amazing and I feel empty and alone in his room without him.
Licking my dry lips, I lift my aching head. “What time is it?” I ask to nobody but myself.
My heart is still pounding in my chest as I reach over to the nightstand and pick up my phone, plugged into its charger. The time on the screen reads 11:48am. How did I sleep in this late? I never sleep past sunrise. As I set my phone back down, I see a bottle of water and two aspirin off to the side on the nightstand.
Hearing the roaring of thunder and the howling of the wind from outside, I gladly pick up the water and aspirin. The aspirin are sitting on top of a yellow Post-it note River must have found them on the counter where I quickly dumped my messenger bag yesterday looking for a pen to sign for the deliveries.
Sitting up, I pop the aspirin in my mouth and swig the water in hopes of calming the storm riveting in my head. As I set the bottle and paper down, I notice something written on the Post-it.
Beautiful girl . . . In case you’re not feeling so great.
Stretching and grinning at his note, I glance around the room. Sheets are tacked over the glass doors. He must have done that so I could sleep. How sweet. How could he be so nice to me after I was such a bitch last night? Shit, last night. I remember every minute of the horrible evening, every minute of our painful conversation, but I don’t remember getting into bed.
Glancing down, I notice I’m only wearing one of River’s t-shirts and my panties. I must have passed out in the car. Did he bring me inside, up all those stairs, and change my clothes? The last thing I remember saying after leaving the parking garage was that I still wanted him to take me home, to my home, not his, but I’d wait until morning.
Deciding I need to find River and talk about last night, I stand on shaky legs and see my clothes lying on the floor beside the bed. Making my way to the bathroom, I look in the mirror. That was not a good decision. Makeup smears my face and my hair is a tangle of knots from all the hairspray. I really need a shower but settle for washing my face, brushing my teeth, and throwing my hair into a ponytail before going to search for him.
I don’t have to look far. As I walk down the hallway I hear soft music being played on a guitar. I stop at the entranceway to the living room to take him in. He’s sitting on the couch in jeans and a plain white t-shirt, barefoot, and his hair is a little more disheveled than usual. His fingers are holding a guitar pick and he’s strumming a beautiful melody while quietly singing an unfamiliar song that I can’t really hear the words to. He has a notebook and pen beside him and he’s deep in thought. I stand there awhile just listening, looking, thinking how unbelievably gorgeous he is both inside and out and how sad I am that I’m leaving. I decide to quietly go get my camera out of my bag in the bedroom. I want to capture his perfect image at this moment. As I tiptoe back and stand just inside the living room, watching him through my lens, I snap a few photos while he’s playing. He’s so involved in his work that he doesn’t even notice me or hear the click of the camera. When he finishes the song, he adjusts his guitar on his leg and leans over to his notebook.
Standing there leaning against the wall I say, “That was beautiful.”
He glances at me, but the happy grin I usually receive from him when entering a room is absent. “What song was that? I didn’t recognize it.”
Leaning his guitar against the couch, he nonchalantly says, “It’s just something I’m working on.”
Taken aback by his cavalier attitude and obvious disinterest in discussing the song, I ask, “You got your guitar back?”
Standing up, he shoves his hands in his front pockets and shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah, Xander brought it by this morning.” Then he asks, “How about coffee?”
I enter the room and head for the kitchen while I say, “Yes, I can get it though.”
“I’ve already made it, I’ll grab you a cup.”
“Thanks,” I say, putting my camera down and sitting on the couch, hoping my queasy stomach can hold down the coffee.
“How do you feel?”
“Fine. I took your remedy. I think it’s working.”
I watch him walk into the kitchen, but he doesn’t turn around to catch me like he usually does. Once he’s in the kitchen, he pulls out the paper cups we bought at Whole Foods yesterday and pours two cups. He adds cream to mine and I smile. He walks back into the room and hands me the cup. “Do you want me to go get you something to eat?” he asks as I take the cup, staring at him. For the first time since I met him, I can’t read him at all.
“Shit no,” I answer grasping my stomach. “I hope
I can keep the coffee down.”
He chuckles and I can tell the River I’ve come to know is in there somewhere.
He walks back over to where he was playing his guitar and sits down.
Sipping my coffee, I look over at him. “Was Xander feeling okay?”
He quickly glances my way and answers, “Yeah. He looked wrecked but nothing some sleep won’t cure.” He takes a sip of his coffee, then continues, “I asked Garrett to take him home last night. I guess he stayed at Garrett’s, and on their way back to Beverly Hills this morning they stopped by to check on you and drop off my guitar.” Pointing to the bar, he adds, “And your jacket and purse.”
“That was really nice.” Then I laugh a little. “Shit, I don’t even remember leaving my stuff there. I guess since you gave me your jacket, I never thought of mine. At least my purse was still there. That would have sucked to have to cancel everything.”
I notice he doesn’t laugh at my swearing like he usually does. Instead, he nods at me then says in a very flat tone, “Well your mind was elsewhere. I would have grabbed your stuff when I stopped to talk to Garrett, but I forgot it was even there. At least I grabbed my jacket or you would have been frozen.”
For some reason the whole conversation seems strained, awkward even, and I sense it’s because of my behavior last night. I’m sure he’s uncertain about my feelings and upset about what I said.
Needing to rectify the situation and make amends for my bitchiness to this man who now, in my sober state, I believe with my heart never meant any foul behavior, I stand up and walk over to the bar. Setting my coffee down, I turn and move toward him.
His eyes rake my body as I approach him. I feel like this one little move on my part, a sign of my forgiveness, has put his mind at ease and by the look in his eyes, I know he’s back. Tears sting my eyes as I sit on his lap. His arms instantly surround me and a soft sigh meets my ear.
“I’m sorry,” I cry as I throw my arms around him.
He sighs again and pulls me as tightly to him as he can. My head is in the crook of his neck and he inhales before sighing again. Shifting me so that I fit perfectly into his lap, he whispers into my ear, “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I know I should have.”
Pulling back, I sniffle a little and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. He gives me that grin I adore then shifts me again to lift his shirt, using it to wipe my tears and my nose.
Resting my forehead on his I ask, “Is your family really okay with me, with everything that happened?”
Cupping my cheeks, he nods. His face is now the epitome of seriousness and sadness combined. “The accident had absolutely nothing to do with you, Dahlia. Call it coincidence. Call it bad judgment. But, Bell getting in that car could've happened even if I was the one who said I would bring her home. She was determined to meet some guy at her place and she wasn’t waiting.”
His eyes flash to mine, filled with concern, as I continue to listen. “I left that night and went straight to her place. When I got there, no one was waiting for her.”
“No one,” I say, saddened that his sister left in hopes of meeting someone that obviously never showed up.
Shaking his head, he moves his hand to my head and pulls my elastic band out. “If your head hurts you don’t need this pulling on it,” he says tossing the band to the ground before continuing. “Who knows what happened to the frat boy, but he wasn’t there waiting for her. He never bothered to visit her and he never knew. After the accident she never mentioned him again.”
Tightening his jaw, he spits out, “And I’m glad she never did. I’d have killed him.” Hanging his head, he relaxes his jaw. “A guy planning to meet a chick at her place so late after going out with his buddies is just not cool. We didn’t even know everything until after.”
Unraveling myself from him I start to say something. “What do you mean by every . . .”
He puts his finger over my lips to shush me. “Never mind, it’s really none of my business anyway.”
Grabbing my chin he says, “All of that has nothing to do with us, but I’m still sorry I didn’t tell you. I don’t want this to impact us though. Got it?”
Nodding my head, feeling exhausted and emotional I say, “River, I understand and it’s okay, but I still have to go home. I can’t stay indefinitely.”
His gorgeous face looks so sad as he exhales deeply and says, “Whatever you want, but you look tired. Can we at least go tomorrow?”
Nodding my head because I’m exhausted, I hold him tight, inhaling his scent and loving his warm embrace. “Only if we can take a nap now.” Snuggling into his neck I add, “I love sleeping while it’s raining.”
He pulls back and kisses my nose. “Me too,” he says, and then he leads me back to his bedroom.
His room is somewhat dark when I open my eyes. The rain is still pounding outside, but snuggled into River’s chest, I’m calm and at peace. The sheet and a single blanket are tangled around us and he’s lightly rubbing his thumbs over the sliver of bare skin between my neck and shoulder. He’s awake before me for the second time today.
Lifting my head, I smile at the sight of his adorable face. He’s lying on the right side of me and I meld into his arms. The faint light filtering through an opening in the sheets that are still hanging on the glass doors is reflecting off his gleaming eyes, making them twinkle.
Grinning at me, he asks, “Feel better?”
I nod my head and lay it directly on his chest and answer, “Much.”
“Good,” he says, kissing the top of my head and wrapping his arms around me.
Having to use the bathroom, I slide my body down his shirt and jeans and get off the bed.
“Where you going?”
“Bathroom. Want water while I’m up?”
“Nope, I’m good, I just want you back here with me sleepy girl.”
Giggling as I leave the room, headed for the bathroom, I turn and ask, “What was that song you were playing earlier?”
“What song?” he says, watching me like I always watch him.
Turning completely around, stopping at the edge of the bathroom, I bite my lip and answer, “You know, the one you quickly stopped singing when I came in the room. The one I asked you about that you said you were working on.”
Sitting up and stretching, his glorious body now in full view he says, “It’s not that I stopped working on it when you came in the room.” Then standing up, he adds, “I just want to finish it before you hear it.”
“What if I want to hear it now?” I challenge as I quickly turn back around shutting the bathroom door.
“Well that would depend,” he says loudly enough that I can hear him through the walls. Then he adds, “I’ll get your water.”
When I open the bathroom door he’s standing there, water in one hand, guitar in the other. Lifting both items he hands me the water bottle.
I swish it back as he continues to block the door with his guitar in the air.
“Yes?”
“Let me stay with you a few days at your house, and I’ll play the song for you, even though it’s not finished,” he propositions, sliding his guitar back under his arm.
Taken aback by his question, I shakily ask, “You want to barter?” Loving the idea of spending more time together but not happy about bringing River to the house that Ben and I shared, I stare blankly at him.
“Yeah barter . . .” he starts to say, then stops. Pulling me close with his free hand he kisses me. “You know what? Never mind.”
Maybe sensing where my mind is, or maybe second-guessing his idea, he points to the head of the bed. “How about you sit up there, away from me, so I can concentrate? You’re too distracting,” he says as he kisses me again.
Summoning all my willpower to not throw him on the floor as his tongue meets mine and his body presses so close to me, I pull back from his mouth and sashay toward the bed. “You’re so bossy!”
He chuckles as I walk away.
> As I sit down at the head of the bed, I cover my legs with my shirt and wrap my hands around my knees. “Okay is this less distracting?” I smirk, resting my chin on my knees.
“Not really,” he laughs.
“Well it’s irrelevant anyway since you promised a show.”
Shaking his head at me, he’s so fucking attractive as he struts and sits at the foot of the bed. “I don’t remember promising,” he smirks. Then adds, “That’s a whole other type of transaction.”
I smile at him and laugh. “I’m willing to pay,” I wink before adding, “As long as the show lives up to my expectations.”
He softly smiles at me and says, “I hope it does.”
Placing his guitar on his leg, he positions one arm around the neck and his other over the body. “This is something I wrote this morning for you. It’s called Five.”
He begins to strum the same beautiful melody I heard earlier. I stare, mesmerized by his soulfulness. As he plays, the chords come to life with his concentration and intensity.
He sings the first two lines of the song and I listen.
5 years, 260 weeks, 1,825 days, 2.3 million minutes. That was how long ago I met you.
His lyrics immediately resonate in my heart. I can feel my heart growing, accepting him as the one who belongs there, the one who is meant to hold it.
As he sings, he slips further into his music.
If I did it all again. Would you come along for the ride? I hope so.
If I did it all again. Could you play this game with me? I hope so.
Tears are stinging my eyes as I unfold my arms from my legs. He continues to sing, lost in his own music, and I continue to watch, lost in him, in awe of him. Perhaps, in love with him?
And 5 years, 260 weeks, 1,825 days, 2.3 million minutes from today, will we still be together? I hope so.