Last Stand of Dead Men

by Derek Landy

  “That’s awful,” Scapegrace said.

  “It is, isn’t it? The muggers were described as a dark-haired woman and a large muscular man.”

  Scapegrace swallowed thickly. “I hope you catch them.”

  “I think I already have.”

  A strained smile. “Congratulations. We’ll let you get back to it, then.”

  Scapegrace went to move past him, but Dacanay stepped in his way. “What’s your name, miss? You and your friend’s?”

  “Our names? Why would you want to know our names?”

  “I spent the last thirty years working as a detective for the Russian Sanctuary. This is my first trip home in all that time. I need to get to know the locals again. So … your name?”

  “Yes. OK. That makes sense. Our names. That’s what you want. Well, my associate here … he can tell you his own name. Associate?”

  Thrasher went pale. “My name is … Bond.”

  Dacanay peered at him. “Bond?”

  “Yes. Harrison … Bond.”

  Dacanay grunted, and his eyes returned to Scapegrace. “And you?”

  “My name,” Scapegrace said, “is quite simple. It’s easy to remember. You’ll have no trouble remembering this.”

  “So?” Dacanay asked. “What is it?”

  Scapegrace nodded. “Guess.”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Guess what my name is.”

  “Miss, I’m not going to do that. You either tell me what your name is or I’ll—”

  Scapegrace laughed. “I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you! My name is …” He tried to force his brain to think of a name. The last time something like this had happened he had blurted out “Adolf”. Not this time. This time he needed to think of actors, not historical figures. No, not actors. Actresses. All he needed to do was think of two actresses and combine a first name with a last name. He needed to think of someone classic, like Katharine Hepburn, and combine it with someone else like … like Audrey Hepburn.

  “Katharine,” he said triumphantly, “Hepburn.”

  “Katharine Hepburn,” Dacanay said, his eyes narrowing. “Like the actress?”

  Scapegrace smiled, started to shake his head, and froze. Dammit.

  “Katharine Hepburn Scapegrace,” Thrasher said quickly. “That’s her full name. It’s only Katharine Hepburn to strangers.”

  “Well, Miss Scapegrace,” Dacanay said, “I hope after tonight I will no longer be a stranger. You’d better get home now. But keep an eye out for those muggers, you hear?”

  “Yes, Sheriff,” Scapegrace said. “Thanks for your concern.”

  Dacanay got back in his car and drove off. Immediately, Scapegrace whirled to Thrasher.

  “You told him my name!”

  “I had to! I’m sorry, Master, but he knew something was up!”

  “You told him my name!”

  “I’m so sorry!”

  “We have secret identities and you told him my name!”

  “I thought the secret identities were only for when we had the masks on.”

  “That’s not the point! Listen to the words! Secret! Identities! If you take away the secret, then they’re just identities!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Scapegrace started walking. Thrasher hurried to keep up.

  “Sheriff Dacanay would lock us up in an instant if he knew who we really were,” Scapegrace said. “Don’t you understand? We’re living beyond the law. We’re doing the job he can’t. We are vigilantes.”

  “Yes,” said Thrasher. “Only …”

  “Only what?”

  “Only we haven’t done anything vigilante-ish. We go out on patrol and you climb up on roofs and I go off and get a ladder and then we go home.”

  “Are you questioning the mission?”

  “No, sir, no I am not. I love the mission. This is where I want to be. By your side. As your partner.”

  “Sidekick.”

  “Sidekick, yes, sorry. It’s just … we haven’t really stopped any crime or found any clues that would lead us to Silas Nadir.”

  “What about those people tonight? They were talking about something. Something suspicious.”

  “What did they say?”

  Scapegrace shrugged. “I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening. But it’s a start. We just have to find them again, follow them, and maybe they’ll lead us to Nadir. Then he will taste the justice of the Dark and Stormy Knight.”

  “And Muscle Man.”

  Scapegrace glared. “What?”

  “My codename,” said Thrasher. “I was thinking … I was thinking maybe I’d be Muscle Man?”

  “No. It can’t be the Dark and Stormy Knight and Muscle Man. That sounds like we’re equals. I’ve got the perfect codename for you. It came to me just then. You can be the Village Idiot.”

  Thrasher’s face fell. “Sir, no, please!”

  “I’ve decided. It’s the Dark and Stormy Knight and the Village Idiot. That’s who we are.”

  “But Master—”

  “No arguments.”

  Thrasher sagged. “Yes, sir.”

  e found Madame Mist by the black lake, the morning breeze playing with the veil over her face.

  “And off they go to war,” she said without turning her head towards him. “I wonder how many of them will die. I wonder how many they will kill.”

  “Sacrifices must be made,” said the man with the golden eyes.

  Now she did look at him. “Yes,” she said. “They must. And our turn is coming up. How can we expect our followers to make the leap if we ourselves do not?”

  “I’m well aware of what I must do.”

  “I am glad. These are trying times for us all. Has there been any word on the Warlocks?”

  “Another one of Charivari’s envoys has been spotted meeting with the Maidens,” the man with the golden eyes said. “I doubt they’ll want to join his crusade, though. They are relatively peace-loving, for witches, and they bear the mortals no particular ill will.”

  “We will need Charivari’s army to be strong, but not too strong,” said Mist. “There is very little point in provoking him if we can’t be assured victory.”

  “Don’t concern yourself with his strength,” the man with the golden eyes responded. “Charivari has yet to approach the Brides. They’ll side with him, and then his army will number three hundred. An entirely manageable threat, I think. They’ll attack the mortals, we’ll repel them, and the mortals will welcome us as heroes.”

  Mist looked out across the stagnant lake. Nothing more needed to be said.

  t was a nice dream. Probably. As Skulduggery shook her awake, it vanished back into the recesses of her mind. She had a feeling it had been a nice dream. She hoped it had.

  “What’s wrong?” she mumbled.

  “It’s Dexter,” Skulduggery said.

  She sat up in the bed, horrified. “They killed him?”

  “What? No. Tanith has him.”

  “She killed him?”

  “Stop thinking someone killed him. He’s alive, as far as we know. Tanith and Sanguine broke him out of whatever gaol he was in. They’re in a boat off Wexford Harbour. Ghastly’s waiting in the van, so get your boots on.”

  It was almost 10am by the time they got to Wexford. They watched a small boat pull up to the quay. Valkyrie went to step forward, but Skulduggery put a hand out to stop her, and nodded at the low wall beside her. She peered around until she caught the faint glow of a sigil.

  The boat docked, and Dexter Vex stepped out. Tall and strong, wearing a black T-shirt and jeans and scuffed boots. His hands were shackled behind his back, which made his triceps pop in his bare arms. His hair was darker than the first time she’d met him, no longer bleached by the sun on his many adventures across the globe. He hadn’t lost the chiselled look, though, and she allowed herself a moment to gaze in admiration before flicking the professional switch inside her head. Climbing out of the boat after him were a well-built blonde in brown leather, and a man in a s
uit and sunglasses. Tanith Low and Billy-Ray Sanguine. Both had their blades drawn.

  Valkyrie glanced around. No one was paying them much attention. Yet.

  Tanith and Sanguine escorted Vex right up to the low wall, but stopped just on the other side of the invisible shield.

  “Dexter,” said Skulduggery in greeting. “Wink twice if you’re being held against your will.”

  Despite the blades that hovered over vital areas, Dexter laughed. “Apparently they want to just hand me over to you,” he said, “which is pretty nice of them if you think about it. They also want to join up.”

  “We can speak for ourselves, thank you,” Tanith said. “Hi, Val. Hi, Skulduggery.” She took a moment. “Hi, Ghastly.”

  “Let him go,” Ghastly said.

  “First we talk. Then we let him go.”

  “No, Tanith. This conversation will not be on your terms.”

  “Our terms are the only terms,” Sanguine said. “We have sharp pointy blades ready to open up every artery your friend has, so you best pay attention to—”

  “You,” Ghastly interrupted, “are not allowed to speak.”

  Sanguine frowned behind his sunglasses. “What?”

  Ghastly’s eyes found Tanith again. “You take the shackles off Dexter, you lay down your weapons, and then we’ll talk.”

  Tanith met his gaze. “We don’t have the key.”

  “You don’t need a key,” Ghastly said.

  Tanith smiled.

  “We ain’t releasing him,” Sanguine said. “And you don’t give us orders, scarface.”

  “Tanith,” Ghastly said, “muzzle your pet.”

  Sanguine’s lip curled. “Pet? That what you called me? Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you. I ain’t no pet. You’re just sore cos she picked me over you. That wound hasn’t healed yet, has it? Still picking at it, are you? Well, here’s something that’ll pick at it some more.”

  “Billy-Ray,” Tanith said in a warning tone, but Sanguine wasn’t about to stop talking for anyone.

  “Me and Tanith are engaged, ugly. Yeah, that’s right. We’re getting married.”

  Something inside Valkyrie curled up at the thought. She glanced at Ghastly. His demeanour hadn’t changed.

  “Love, honour and obey,” Sanguine continued, “till death do us part, the whole nine yards. See that, Bespoke? The better man won. You can come to the ceremony if you like. You can be the ring bearer.”

  “Billy-Ray,” Tanith said, “that’s enough.” She reached out, took hold of the shackles binding Dexter, and a moment later they clicked open. Sanguine’s jaw clenched, but he said nothing as Dexter rubbed his wrists and shook out his arms.

  Tanith sheathed her sword and, after a long moment, Sanguine reluctantly folded his straight razor and put it away.

  “There,” Tanith said. “We come in peace.”

  “Give me a reason why I shouldn’t shoot you where you stand,” Skulduggery said.

  Tanith chewed her lip playfully. “I don’t know. I’m your friend? If I hadn’t been taken over by the Remnant, I’d be a good person? I’m too cute to die?”

  “You were our friend,” Skulduggery said, “and the fact is you have been taken over by a Remnant, which renders any hypotheticals moot.”

  Tanith grinned. “I notice you can’t throw the cute remark back in my face.”

  “You also killed Grand Mage Strom,” Skulduggery said, “and forced us into the path we’re now on.”

  “That was nothing personal. That was just a job, like any other.”

  “Who paid you?” asked Valkyrie.

  Tanith shrugged. “You know when Davina Marr couldn’t quite remember who’d talked her into destroying the Dublin Sanctuary? I’m afraid I’m the same. What did you call him? Your ‘mystery man’? Pretty sure it’s the same guy.”

  “But now you want to fight by our side,” Ghastly said. “Why?”

  “Why not? I’ve been pretty busy for the last few months. My main focus has been making sure that when Darquesse arrives there will be no one who can even threaten her safety. The destruction she will wreak upon this world is going to be magnificent, and I didn’t want anything to ruin that. You must understand, Ghastly, that I love Darquesse with all my heart.”

  Valkyrie waited for Tanith’s eyes to flicker towards her, for a knowing smile to slowly grow. Instead, Tanith kept her gaze fixed on Ghastly.

  “So we tracked down four God-Killer weapons,” Tanith continued, “because we figured if they can hurt or kill a Faceless One they could hurt or kill Darquesse. So we retrieved them and destroyed them. I’m sure Dexter filled you in already. It was all very exciting. But now that’s all over. I’ve done everything I can possibly do to ensure Darquesse’s safety whenever she decides to turn up, and the only thing I have left to do is wait. And I hate waiting. So, when we heard about all this hullaballoo, we said to ourselves, I bet Ghastly and Skulduggery and Valkyrie could use our help. So here we are. The old gang back together.”

  “And me,” said Sanguine.

  “The old gang and him,” Tanith nodded. “And we figured the best way to approach you would be while bearing gifts. Hence, Dexter Vex.”

  “And it was much appreciated,” Dexter said.

  Tanith smiled at him. “The pleasure was all mine.”

  Sanguine frowned, and stood between them.

  Tanith looked at Valkyrie. “And the fact is, I still look at you guys as friends. Val, I know I’ve changed, I know I’m not the same woman you knew, but I can be. I can work at it. You’re still my friend, and I still want nothing more than to look out for you and protect you.”

  “Excuse us for a moment,” Skulduggery said. “We’ll have to talk this over.”

  Before Tanith could even respond, Skulduggery held up his hand and the space around them shimmered. Any sound they now made would travel that far and no further.

  He looked at Ghastly. “Thoughts?”

  “I want to kill Sanguine,” was the first thing Ghastly said. “And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer.”

  Skulduggery nodded. “Very healthy.”

  Ghastly sighed. “From a business point of view, we could use them. Of course we could. We know how good they are and we know what they can do. The disadvantages of using them include the fact that they’re both remorseless psychopaths, and that if the Supreme Council finds out about this they can claim that Tanith has been working for us from the start, and that killing Strom was our idea. But … I don’t know. Do you believe her, Valkyrie? What she said about you?”

  Valkyrie hesitated. “Yes, actually. I think she’d do anything to protect me.”

  “I agree,” Skulduggery said. “I think we should accept their offer. Use them when we need to, and keep them on a tight leash.”

  Ghastly made a face. “Even Sanguine?”

  “I’m afraid so. We’ll get them to accompany Bane and O’Callahan on their mission to disable the Midnight Hotel. If they step out of line, those two will be able to handle them.”

  Scowling, Ghastly nodded and Skulduggery lowered his hand.

  “This is on a trial basis,” Ghastly said. “You will obey our orders at all times. If you deviate, we’ll kill you on sight. Agreed?”

  “Agreed,” Tanith said happily.

  Ghastly crouched by the wall and traced a pattern back through the flow of the sigil. A section of the shield became visible, and retracted. Dexter stepped through, followed by Tanith and Sanguine. Immediately, Ghastly reactivated the section. He returned to Skulduggery’s side. Silence.

  “Well,” Tanith said, “this is awkward.”

  “Allow me to break the ice,” Ghastly said, and punched Sanguine.

  Sanguine staggered back on shaky legs.

  Tanith sighed. “That was incredibly mature.”

  Sanguine straightened up, rubbing his jaw and laughing without humour. He started to say something and Ghastly caught him in the ribs. He gasped, staggered, sucked in great whooping lung
fuls of air, and Ghastly stood over him and watched. When he’d recovered enough, Sanguine lunged and Ghastly met him with a right cross. Sanguine hit the ground with his face and stayed there.

  Tanith observed Ghastly, amusement in her eyes. “So,” she said, “are we ready to go?”

  They shared the most awkward van ride ever back to Roarhaven. Sanguine, when he regained consciousness, sulked while Tanith tried and failed to strike up a meaningful conversation with Valkyrie. When they arrived at the Sanctuary, the Monster Hunters were waiting.

  “We’re going with them?” Tanith asked, clearly dismayed. “But I thought we could hang around with you guys. What about everything you said about getting the old gang back together?”

  “You said that,” Skulduggery pointed out, “not us. We’re not going to trust you, Tanith, but we’ll use your talents for as long as we can. If you don’t like the terms of the arrangement—”

  “No, no,” Tanith said quickly, “it’s fine. We’ll prove ourselves to you. I’m OK with that. Come on, Billy-Ray, let’s go be good guys.”

  Gracious led them to their car, but Ghastly put a hand on Donegan’s arm to keep him in place.

  “If you even think they’re going to betray you,” he said, “kill them both.”

  Donegan nodded, and followed after them.

  Ghastly looked at Valkyrie, and didn’t say anything. She didn’t, either.

  Now that Tanith and Sanguine were not listening in, Skulduggery started telling Vex what had been happening. Valkyrie and Ghastly followed behind as they made their way to the briefing. The Sanctuary was eerily quiet – almost as quiet as the first time Valkyrie had crept down its stone corridors.

  Ravel was waiting for them in the briefing room, alongside Shudder and Saracen. They didn’t make a big deal about Vex’s return. A few good-natured insults were tossed around, Saracen gave Vex a bag of fresh clothes, and then it was business as usual.

  “OK then,” said Ravel, “today is the day our war officially starts. There have been skirmishes around the world, but nothing too big. At the moment it’s all very tentative. Whichever side is first to throw the big punch will take the advantage. That side will be us.”