Ah, how I love each word of it,
The little book I never wrote.
I suppose I ought to wind up with some profound thoughts on writing, but mine are all too simple. Cacoethes scribendi: I tell stories because they aren’t there, and no doubt to air my views in the process, and it’s all one whether I’m at my typewriter today (word processors are not for an old newspaper hand who can make anything electronic break down just by looking at it) or sitting on my children’s beds years ago, the aim is the same: to entertain, to amuse if possible, to tell it honestly, to pass on what I think is worth knowing about life, but always to remember Charles Reade’s advice: “Make ’em laugh, make ’em cry, make ’em wait.”
It’s a serious business in which you must never take yourself too seriously. It’s a trade, a craft, like any other, and when people ask earnestly: “How do you get your ideas?” I can only reply: “By thinking, sometimes for months.” Inspiration takes a lot of thought, with glue on the writer’s chair, as Trollope knew. Scott and Dickens didn’t produce all that work by waiting for lightning to strike; they put their heads down and went at it, and it’s the only way I know.
The silliest thing I ever heard about writing was Cyril Connolly’s dictum in The Unquiet Grave that the writer’s only function is to produce a masterpiece, suggesting that when he knows he is not, he should put it aside. At that rate no one would ever finish anything, for I doubt if anyone consciously produced a masterpiece yet. I am sure that when Shakespeare wrote “Go, bid the soldiers shoot” he was entirely unaware that he had just completed the greatest play ever written—it may well have been his sixteenth shot at a snappy ending, and being a professional he probably thought: “Well, thank God that’s finished. Denmark, forget it! It’ll do, with any luck.” And then wondered, as I do now: Right, what’s next?
INDEX
The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader
Aberdeen, Lord xxi
Act of Settlement 80
Addington, Henry xxi
Afghanistan 17, 19, 20, 22, 73, 89, 92, 185, 193, 195, 302
Africa 20, 114, 117
African Queen, The 56fn.
Agate, James 254
Agincourt 122
Alaska 308
American Graffiti 139
American Revolution 20fn.
Amin, Idi 159
Amis, Kingsley 94–97
Amis, Martin 94, 95
Amritsar 118
Andersen, Hans 289
Anderson, Lindsay 282
Andress, Ursula 56
Andrews, Harry 29–31, 59, 63
Andrews, Julie 313
angling 25
animal rights 24, 25
Apaches 118
Archer, Freddy 299
Arlott, John 276
Armada, the 122
armed forces 180–193
Armstrong, Rev. Henry 225
Ashanti 205, 206, 242
Ashe, Arthur 214
asylum seekers 229–232
Attlee, Clement 88
Austen, Jane 264
BBC xvii, 150, 217, 218, 228, 295, 311
Bach, Barbara 131, 137, 141
Badel, Alan 131, 137, 139, 140, 201, 208
Bader, Douglas 188
Bad Ischl 313
Baer, Max 57fn.
Baird, John Logie 262
Baker, Nicholas 236
Ballantyne, R.M. 292
Bangalore 176, 300, 301, 314
Barabbas 27
Barbosa, Arthur 30 & fn.
Barrack-room Ballads 294
Barradell-Smith, Walter 295, 296
Barrie, J.M. 122, 288, 295
Barry, B.H. 32, 37, 38
Barrymores, the 245
Bates, Alan 83
Batt, Bert 131, 134
Bautzer, Greg 240
Beatles, the 1, 3
Beckenbauer, Franz 75
“Becket, Samuel” 135
Bedi, Kebir 205, 206, 242
Beethoven, Ludwig 75, 77
Begelman, David 235, 236
Belsen xvii, 74, 77
Benton, Robert 55, 56, 60, 61
Bent’s Fort 308
Berlin 18
Berlin Wall 78
Best, Willie 225
Beverly Hillbillies, The 102
Bickford, Charles 173
Bill of Rights 74
Bin Laden, Osama 17, 19, 20 & fn.
Birmingham Post 251
Bismarck, Otto von 75
Black Ajax 111, 112, 311
“Black Cat” Division 21
Blackcock’s Feather 128
Black Hills, the 307
Blair, Tony xxii, 17–22, 25, 49, 72, 73, 89 & fn., 116, 117, 144, 185, 193, 195, 251, 252
Blencathra Hunt 25
Blithe Spirit 314
Blitz, the 122
Blucher, Marshal 75
Bolt, Robert 208
Bond, James 234–244
Border Regiment 21, 190, 300, 302
Borgnine, Ernest 27, 35, 40, 160
Borneo 305, 307
Boston Strangler, The 27
Bounty, The 207, 208
Bracknell, Lady 233
Bradley, R.S.M. Charley 187, 299, 300
Brady, Ian 142, 146, 149
Brando, Marlon 57–59, 63, 87
Braveheart 114, 157
Brecht, Bertolt 70
Bremner, Rory 14
Bridie, James 295
British Empire 157–9, 190, 227
Broadcasting Standards Commission 217
Broccoli, Albert (“Cubby”) 234–238, 241, 242, 244
Bronson, Charles 56
Brown, Gordon 88
Bruce, Robert 31, 186, 289, 291
Brute Force 173
Buchan, John 288
Buchanan, Jack 295
Budapest 32
passim, 313
bullying 153, 154, 189
Burke, Edmund 48, 49
Burma 21, 97, 184, 225, 300, 301, 313
Burnet, Alastair 248
Burns, Robert 124
Burroughs, Edgar Rice 97fn, 199
Bush, George W. 17–22, 195
Cagney, James 245, 294
Caine, Michael 205, 284
Cairo-Jerusalem train 303
Canada 101, 194
Candlemass Road, The 311
Cannes Film Festival 204, 205
Canterbury, Archbishop of 106, 117, 118
Canton 307
capital punishment 143–147, 155
Captain Blood 208
Cardiff, Jack 28, 31, 36, 37, 40, 41, 86, 265
Carlisle 98, 100, 186, 225, 289, 291
Carlisle Grammar School 289–291
Carlisle Journal 99, 303
Carlisle United 99, 274, 313
Carlyle, Thomas xix, 282
Carmen 313
Carnegie, Andrew 288
Casanova 113, 279, 280
Casanova, Giacomo 289
Cash, Johnnie 97
Cassel, Jean-Pierre 10, 12, 280
Cattrall, Kim 12, 16
Cawnpore 118
Ceylon 18
Chamberlain, Richard 3, 6, 10, 12, 113, 280
Chaplin, Charlie 97
Chaplin, Geraldine 6
Charles I 11–13, 66fn.
Chase, James Hadley 97 & fn.
Chatham, Earl of 68
Chatterley case 258
Chaucer, Geoffrey 290
Chesterton, G.K. 122
Chiang Kai-shek, Madam 236
Children’s Encyclopedia 291, 292
Churchill, Winston 18, 68, 190, 263, 301
Cincinnatus 51
Citizen Kane 16
Clair, Rene 55 & fn.
Clarke, Alan 26, 45
Clavel, James 199–202
Clayton, Jack 281
Clift, Montgomery 171 & fn.
Clinton, William
91, 104
Clydebank 77
Coburn, James 35
Cohn, Harry 144
Colley, Ken 280
Colman, Ronald 294
Colman Smith, John 294–296
Commission for Racial Equality 217, 220
Conan Doyle, Arthur 199, 288
Conan the Barbarian (comic) 54, 264
Conan the Destroyer 27
Connery, Sean 201, 203, 204, 244
Connolly, Billy 13, 86
Connolly, Cyril 318
Connors, Jimmy 214
Conrad, Joseph 54
Cook, Robin 91fn.
Cooke, Alistair 249
Cooper, Gary 293
Cooper, Henry 57fn., 83 & fn.
Cooper, Tommy 317
Corbett, James J. 57fn.
Cording, Harry 28
corporal punishment 143, 149, 152–155
Cravat, Nick 166, 167, 172
Cribb, Tom 111
Crimean War 20fn.
Crimson Pirate, The 38, 160, 161, 168
Cromwell, Oliver xx, 11, 12, 66fn., 69, 118, 289, 291
Cromwell, Richard 88
Cronin, A.J. 96
Cronyn, Hume 173
Crosby, Bing 37fn.
Crossed Swords (see The Prince and the Pauper)
Cruickshank, Andrew 261
Culloden 125
Culver, Roland 30
Curtis, Tony 182fn.
Curtiz, Michael 29
Custer, George Armstrong 307
Dachau xvii, 74
Dad’s Army 74
Daniell, Henry 139
Darien Scheme 123
David Copperfield 268
Davis, Bette 245
Davis, Sammy 222
Dawson, Les 9
Dean, Felicity 35
Declaration of Arbroath 74
de la Billiere, Peter 191
de la Mare, Walter 294
De Laurentiis, Dino 60, 264
passim, 283 Delphi 308
Deluca, Rande 243, 244
DeMille, Cecil B. 294
Devil’s Disciple, The 162
Dickens, Charles 250, 310, 318
Die Fledermaus 313
Dieterle, William 140
Dietrich, Marlene 75, 188
Djablak, see Zhablak
Dr Dolittle 27
Dodd, Ken 314
Donner, Richard 59, 60
Douglas, Kirk 173, 174, 198
Douglas, Sarah 56
Douglas-Home, Alec 263
Drake, Francis 294
Dresden 116, 117
Dreyfuss, Richard 284
Drogheda 118
Dublin 18
Dumas, Alexandre 3, 9, 11, 12, 16, 237
Dunaway, Faye 6, 7, 9, 10, 87, 280
Durham Light Infantry 189, 190
Durning, Charles 208
Dyke, Greg 219fn.
Eastwood, Clint 204
Ebsen, Buddy 101–103
Economist, The 311
Eddison, E.R. 54
Edward I 31, 291
Edward VI 27
8½ 265
Eisenhower, Dwight 21
Ekland, Britt 83
Eliot, T.S. 262
Elizabeth I 68, 290
Elizabeth II xvii, 65, 66fn., 89fn., 116, 117, 195, 217, 218, 251
Ellington, Duke 225
Emma 264
Empire Windrush 225
Enemy of the People, An 208
England and the English xvi, 121, 122, 123 & fn., 215
Enniskillen 18, 116
Equal Opportunities Commission 184fn.
Ethelred the Unready 88
European Court 67
European Union 50, 66–79
Fairbanks, Douglas, jnr 94
Fairbanks, Douglas, snr 82, 94, 168
Falklands campaign 20, 21, 190
Fantastic Voyage 27
Farnol, Jeffrey 37, 86, 161, 165, 166
Farquharson, John 305
Fawlty Towers 262
Fellini, Federico xxiii, 264–267
Field of Shirts 128
Finland 306
Finlay, Frank 6, 9, 10, 12, 86, 280
Finlayson, Jimmy 98
Fischer, Joe 241, 242
Flame and the Arrow, The 161
Flashman 1, 2, 96, 109–111, 154fn., 161, 172, 304, 305–311
Flashman and the Angel of the Lord 96
Flashman at the Charge 30fn., 96
Flashman and the Redskins 28, 96
Flash for Freedom! 309
Fleischer, Max 27
Fleischer, Mickey 26, 139, 240
Fleischer, Richard 5, 26, 28, 31, 33, 35–41, 57, 59, 60, 82, 84, 85, 139, 160fn., 165, 199, 201–206, 208, 210, 211, 240, 264, 265, 268, 269, 281, 308
Fleming, Ian 199, 244, 288
“Flower of Scotland” 121
Flynn, Errol 27, 82, 85fn., 168, 171fn., 210, 245, 294
Flynn, Paddy 299
Fonda, Henry 173
Force Ten from Navarone 57, 62, 131–141, 201, 202
Ford, Harrison 130, 1 31, 136–139, 141
Foreman, Carl 131, 132, 141, 202, 203
Fort Laramie 307
Fort Venango 118
Fort William Henry 118, 119
Four Musketeers, The 8, 9–11
Fowlie, Eddie 12, 32, 41, 207
Fox, Edward 81, 130, 131, 135–137, 139–141, 201, 208
Fra Diavolo 98
Franco, Francisco 69
Frasers, clan 125, 128, 216
Fraser, Hugh 94
Fraser, William 116, 126–128, 284, 288, 289
Frasier, TV 162
Frederick the Great 75
French Revolution 68
French Without Tears 30
Fresh Prince of Bel Air 222
Froebe, Gert 75, 243
From Here to Eternity 171
Gable, Clark 245
Gaiety Theatre, I.O.M. 314
Galento, Tony 57fn.
Gamester, The 120
Gardes Ecossaies 190
Gattemalatta, statue 308
Gaunt, John of xxiii, 165
General Danced at Dawn, The 280, 300, 314
George Watson’s College 294
Germany 74–79, 190, 193, 215
Gibbon, Edward xviiifn.
Gielgud, John 140, 201, 314
Gila Forest 307
Gilbert, W.S. 108, 184fn.
Glasgow Academy 294, 295, 297
Glasgow Herald, The 53, 120, 251, 304
Glen, John 237
Glenbuck Cherrypickers 99
Glencoe 129
Goebbels, Josef 108, 150
Goethe, Johann 75
Goldfinger 56fn.
Gone With the Wind 211, 268
Good Life, The 262
Gordon Highlanders 190, 302, 303, 314
Gordon, John 254
Gothard, Michael 10
Gover, Alf 86
Grand Hotel, Rome 268–270
Grandarse 98
Granger, Stewart 206
Grant, Cary 27, 242
Gray, Thomas 122
Graziano, Rocky 57fn.
Great Escape, The 201
Great Race, The 182fn.
Greene, Graham 250
Greenfield, George 96, 305
Griffiths, Richard 280
Guardian xviii, 172, 251
Guinness, Alec 26, 260
Guns of Navarone, The 131
H.M.S. Pinafore 102
Hackman, Gene 55, 61–64
Hague, William 231
Haider, Jorge 69
Haifa 303
Haley, Jack 103
Halliwell, Leslie 40fn.
Hamilton, Guy xxiii, 5, 15, 55 & fn., 56, 57, 59, 63, 65, 131–133, 135–138, 308
Hamlet 297, 314
Hardy, Oliver 98, 99, 294, 314
Hardy, Thomas 250
Harrison, Rex xxii, 27–31, 35, 38–42, 87,
168, 198, 205, 208
Hayward, Louis 242
Hayw
orth, Rita 140, 163
Hazlitt, William 112
Heath, Edward xxii, 66, 72, 88
Hecht, Harold 38, 161–164, 167, 169, 170, 174
Hemingway, Ernest 310
Hemmings, David 27, 36
Henry IV 297
Henry V 297
Henry VI 88
Henry VIII 27, 29–31, 40, 80
Hepburn, Katherine 245
Herald-Tribune, The 311
Herbert, A.P. 255
Heroes, The 293
Heston, Charlton 6, 8, 10, 27–31, 35, 40, 81, 87, 97, 208
Hetherington, Alastair 248
Hickok, Wild Bill 307
Hill, James 103, 161–163, 167, 169, 170
Hindley, Myra 142, 146, 149
Hitchcock, Alfred 27
Hitler, Adolf 19, 69–71, 75–78, 213, 294
Hitler Youth 78
Hobbit, The 53
Hobbs, William 12
Hobson, Valerie 260
Holden, William 198, 205
Hollywood History of the World, The 311
Holocaust, the 67, 69, 76, 253
Hong Kong 200, 203, 207
Hoon, Geoffrey 128, 184
Horn of Africa 311
Horne, Lena 225
Hoskins, Bob 83
House of Lords 89, 90
Howard, Alan 12
Howard, Trevor 30, 59, 63
Howell, C. Thomas 12
Hoyt, John 173
Huckleberry Finn 112, 173
Hughes, Thomas 109
human rights 67, 72
hunting 24, 25
Hussein, Saddam 193
Huston, John 56fn., 131
Huxley, Aldous 262
Ice People, The 64
India 225, 226, 242, 300–302
Indian Mutiny 118
Ink Spots, the 225
Inquisition, the 67
I.R.A. xvii, 17, 118
Irish Famine 116, 117
Irish Republic 17
Islam 20
Island of Dr Moreau, The 168
Isle of Man xiii, xvi, 125, 149, 150, 206
Israel 186, 303
Jade of Destiny, The 37, 86
James II 88
James, Sid 187
Japan 18, 118, 190
Japanese 21, 184, 300, 315, 316
Jardine Matheson 200
Jason, David 83
Jefferson, Thomas 51, 68
Jenkins, Herbert 305
Jesus 115fn., 141
Jhansi 118
Johnson, Beverly 206
Johnson, Samuel xxii, 123
Jourdan, Louis 244
Julius Caesar 173
Jurado, Katy 168
Kabul 18, 22
Kaiser Wilhelm 75
Kandahar 302
Kendall, Kay 283
Kennedy, Edward 104
Kerima 55
Kerr, Deborah 171
Kersh, Gerald 299
The Light’s on at Signpost Page 34