The Attaché; or, Sam Slick in England — Complete

by Thomas Chandler Haliburton

  CHAPTER XIV. THE SOCDOLAGER.

  As soon as I found my friend Mr. Hopewell comfortably settled in hislodgings, I went to the office of the Belgian Consul and other personsto obtain the necessary passports for visiting Germany, where I had ason at school. Mr. Slick proceeded at the same time to the residence ofhis Excellency Abednego Layman, who had been sent to this country by theUnited States on a special mission, relative to the Tariff.

  On my return from the city in the afternoon, he told me he had presentedhis credentials to "the Socdolager," and was most graciously andcordially received; but still, I could not fail to observe that therewas an evident air of disappointment about him.

  "Pray, what is the meaning of the Socdolager?" I asked. "I never heardof the term before."

  "Possible!" said he, "never heerd tell of 'the Socdolager,' why youdon't say so! The Socdolager is the President of the lakes--he is thewhale of the intarnal seas--the Indgians worshipped him once on a time,as the king of fishes. He lives in great state in the deep waters, doesthe old boy, and he don't often shew himself. I never see'd him myself,nor any one that ever had sot eyes on him; but the old Indgians havesee'd him and know him well. He won't take no bait, will the Socdolager;he can't be caught, no how you can fix, he is so 'tarnal knowin', and hecan't be speared nother, for the moment he sees aim taken, he ryles thewater and is out of sight in no tune. _He_ can take in whole shoals ofothers hisself, tho' at a mouthful. He's a whapper, that's a fact. Icall our Minister here 'the Socdolager,' for our _di_plomaters werenever known to be hooked once yet, and actilly beat all natur' forknowin' the soundin's, smellin' the bait, givin' the dodge, or rylin'the water; so no soul can see thro' it but themselves. Yes, he is 'aSocdolager,' or a whale among _di_plomaters.

  "Well, I rigs up this morning, full fig, calls a cab, and proceedsin state to our embassy, gives what Cooper calls a lord's beat of sixthund'rin' raps of the knocker, presents the legation ticket, and wasadmitted to where ambassador was. He is a very pretty man all up hisshirt, and he talks pretty, and smiles pretty, and bows pretty, and hehas got the whitest hand you ever see, it looks as white, as a new breadand milk poultice. It does indeed.

  "'Sam Slick,' sais he, 'as I'm alive. Well, how do you do, Mr. Slick? Iam 'nation glad to see you, I affection you as a member of our legation.I feel kinder proud to have the first literary man of our great nationas my Attache.'

  "'Your knowledge of human natur, (added to your'n of soft sawder,' saisI,) 'will raise our great nation, I guess, in the scale o' Europeanestimation.'

  "He is as sensitive as a skinned eel, is Layman, and he winced at thatpoke at his soft sawder like any thing, and puckered a little aboutthe mouth, but he didn't say nothin', he only bowed. He was a Unitarianpreacher once, was Abednego, but he swapt preachin' for politics, and agood trade he made of it too; that's a fact.

  "'A great change,' sais I, 'Abednego, since you was a preachin' toConnecticut and I was a vendin' of clocks to Nova Scotia, ain't it?Who'd a thought then, you'd a been "a Socdolager," and me your "pilotfish," eh!'

  "It was a raw spot, that, and I always touched him on it for fun.

  "'Sam,' said he, and his face fell like an empty puss, when it gets afew cents put into each eend on it, the weight makes it grow twice aslong in a minute. 'Sam,' said he, 'don't call me that are, except whenwe are alone here, that's a good soul; not that I am proud, for I ama true Republican;' and he put his hand on his heart, bowed and smiledhansum, 'but these people will make a nickname of it, and we shall neverhear the last of it; that's a fact. We must respect ourselves, aforeothers will respect us. You onderstand, don't you?'

  "'Oh, don't I,' sais I, 'that's all? It's only here I talks this way,because we are at home now; but I can't help a thinkin' how strangethings do turn up sometimes. Do you recollect, when I heard youa-preachin' about Hope a-pitchin' of her tent on a hill? By gosh,it struck me then, you'd pitch, your tent high some day; you did itbeautiful.'

  "He know'd I didn't like this change, that Mr. Hopewell had kinderinoculated me with other guess views on these matters, so he began tothrow up bankments and to picket in the ground, all round for defencelike.

  "'Hope,' sais he, 'is the attribute of a Christian, Slick, for he hopesbeyond this world; but I changed on principle.'

  "'Well,' sais I, 'I changed on interest; now if our great nation isbacked by principal and interest here, I guess its credit is kinder wellbuilt. And atween you and me, Abednego, that's more than the soft-hornedBritish will ever see from all our States. Some on 'em are intarmined topay neither debt nor interest, and give nothin' but lip in retarn.'

  "'Now,' sais he, a pretendin' to take no notice of this,' you know wehave the Voluntary with us, Mr. Slick.' He said "_Mister_" that time,for he began to get formal on puppus to stop jokes; but, dear me, whereall men are equal what's the use of one man tryin' to look big? He musttake to growin' agin I guess to do that. 'You know we have the Voluntarywith us, Mr. Slick,' sais he.

  "'Jist so,' sais I.

  "'Well, what's the meanin' of that?'

  "'Why,' sais I, 'that you support religion or let it alone, as you like;that you can take it up as a pedlar does his pack, carry it till you aretired, then lay it down, set on it, and let it support you."

  "'Exactly,' sais he; 'it is voluntary on the hearer, and it's jist sowith the minister, too; for his preachin' is voluntary also. He canpreach or lot it alone, as he likes. It's voluntary all through. It's abad rule that won't work both ways.'

  "'Well,' says I, 'there is a good deal in that, too.' I said that justto lead him on.

  "'A good deal!' sais he, 'why it's every thing. But I didn't rest onthat alone; I propounded this maxim to myself. Every man, sais I, isbound to sarve his fellow citizens to his utmost. That's true; ain't it,Mr. Slick?'

  "'Guess so,' sais I.

  "'Well then, I asked myself this here question: Can I sarve my fellowcitizens best by bein' minister to Peach settlement, 'tendin' on alittle village of two thousand souls, and preachin' my throat sore, orbein' special minister to Saint Jimses, and sarvin' our great Republicand its thirteen millions? Why, no reasonable man can doubt; so I giveup preachin'.'

  "'Well,' sais I, 'Abednego, you are a Socdolager, that's a fact; you area great man, and a great scholard. Now a great scholard, when he can'tdo a sum the way it's stated, jist states it so--he _can_ do it. Now theright way to state that sum is arter this fashion: "Which is best, toendeavour to save the souls of two thousand people under my spiritualcharge, or let them go to Old Nick and save a piece of wild land inMaine, get pay for an old steamer burnt to Canada, and uphold the slavetrade for the interest of the States.'

  "'That's specious, but not true,' said he; 'but it's a matter rather formy consideration than your'n,' and he looked as a feller does when hebuttons his trowsers' pocket, as much as to say, you have no right to bea puttin' of your pickers and stealers in there, that's mine. 'We willdo better to be less selfish,' said he, 'and talk of our great nation.'

  "'Well,' says I, 'how do we stand here in Europe? Do we maintain thehigh pitch we had, or do we sing a note lower than we did?'

  "Well, he walked up and down the room, with his hands onder hiscoat-tails, for ever so long, without a sayin' of a word. At last, saishe, with a beautiful smile that was jist skin deep, for it played on hisface as a cat's-paw does on the calm waters, 'What was you a sayin.' of,Mr. Slick?' saw he.

  "'What's our position to Europe?' sais I, 'jist now; is it letter A,No. 1?'

  "'Oh!' sais he, and he walked up and down agin, cypherin' like tohimself; and then says he, 'I'll tell you; that word Socdolager, and thetrade of preachin', and clockmakin', it would be as well to sink here;neither on 'em convene with dignity. Don't you think so?'

  "'Sartainly,' sais I; 'it's only fit for talk over a cigar, alone. Itdon't always answer a good, purpose to blart every thing out. But our_po_sition,' says I, among the nations of the airth, is it what oureverlastin' Union is entitled to?'

  "'Because,' sais he, 'some day when I am ask
ed out to dinner, somewag or another of a lord will call me parson, and ask me to crave ablessin', jist to raise the larf agin me for havin' been a preacher.'

  "'If he does,' sais I,' jist say, my Attache does that, and I'll jist upfirst and give it to him atween the two eyes; and when that's done, saisyou, my Lord, that's _your grace_ afore meat; pr'aps your lordship will_return thanks_ arter dinner. Let him try it, that's all. But our greatnation,' sais I, 'tell me, hante that noble stand we made on the rightof sarch, raised us about the toploftiest?'

  "'Oh,' says he 'right of sarch! right of sarch! I've been tryin' tosarch my memory, but can't find it. I don't recollect that sarmont aboutHope pitchin' her tent on the hill. When was it?'

  "'It was afore the juvenile-united-democratic-republican association toFunnel Hall,' sais I.

  "'Oh,' says he, 'that was an oration--it was an oration that.'

  "Oh!" sais I, "we won't say no more about that; I only meant it as ajoke, and nothin' more. But railly now, Abednego, what is the state ofour legation?"

  "'I don't see nothin' ridikilous,' sais he, 'in that are expression, ofHope pitchin' her tent on a hill. It's figurativ' and poetic, but it'swithin the line that divides taste from bombast. Hope pitchin' her tenton a hill! What is there to reprehend in that?'

  "Good airth and seas,' sais I, 'let's pitch Hope, and her tent, and thehill, all to Old Nick in a heap together, and talk of somethin' else.You needn't be so perkily ashamed of havin' preached, man. Cromwell wasa great preacher all his life, but it didn't spile him as a Socdolagerone bit, but rather helped him, that's a fact. How 'av we held ourfootin' here?'

  "'Not well, I am grieved to say,' sais he; 'not well. The failure of theUnited States' Bank, the repudiation of debts by several of our States,the foolish opposition we made to the suppression of the slave-trade,and above all, the bad faith in the business of the boundary questionhas lowered us down, down, e'en a'most to the bottom of the shaft.'

  "'Abednego,' sais I, 'we want somethin' besides boastin' and talkin'big; we want a dash--a great stroke of policy. Washington hanging Andrethat time, gained more than a battle. Jackson by hanging Arbuthnot andAnbristher, gained his election. M'Kennie for havin' hanged them threecitizens will be made an admiral of yet, see if he don't. Now if CaptainTyler had said, in his message to Congress, 'Any State that repudiatesits foreign debts, we will first fine it in the whole amount, and thencut it off from our great, free, enlightened, moral and intellectualrepublic, he would have gained by the dash his next election, and run upour flag to the mast-head in Europe. He would have been popular to home,and respected abroad, that's as clear as mud,'

  "'He would have done right, Sir, if he had done that,' said Abednego,'and the right thing is always approved of in the eend, and alwaysesteemed all through the piece. A dash, as a stroke of policy,' said he,'has sometimes a good effect. General Jackson threatening France with awar, if they didn't pay the indemnity, when he knew the King would make'em pay it whether or no, was a masterpiece; and General Cass tellin'France if she signed the right of sarch treaty, we would fight both herand England together single-handed, was the best move on the politicalchess-board, this century. All these, Sir, are very well in their way,to produce an effect; but there's a better policy nor all that, a farbetter policy, and one, too, that some of our States and legislators,and presidents, and Socdolagers, as you call 'em, in my mind have got tolarn yet, Sam.'

  "'What's that?' sais I. "For I don't believe in my soul there is nothin'a'most our diplomaters don't know. They are a body o' men that doeshonour to our great nation. What policy are you a indicatin' of?'

  "'Why,' sais he, '_that honesty is the best policy_.'

  "When I heerd him say that, I springs right up on eend, like a ropedancer. 'Give me your hand, Abednego,' sais I; 'you are a man, everyinch of you,' and I squeezed it so hard, it made his eyes water. 'Ialways knowed you had an excellent head-piece,' sais I, 'and now Isee the heart is in the right place too. If you have thrown preachin'overboard, you have kept your morals for ballast, any how. I feel kinderproud of you; you are jist a fit representat_ive_ for our great nation.You are a Socdolager, that's a fact. I approbate your notion; it's ascorrect as a bootjack. For nations or individuals, it's all the same,honesty _is_ the best policy, and no mistake. That,' sais I, 'is thehill, Abednego, for Hope to pitch her tent on, and no mistake,' and Iput my finger to my nose, and winked.

  "'Well,' sais he, 'it is; but you are a droll feller, Slick, there isno standin' your jokes. I'll give you leave to larf if you like, but youmust give me leave to win if I can. Good bye. But mind, Sam, ourdignity is at stake. Let's have no more of Socdolagers, or Preachin', orClockmakin', or Hope pitchin' her tent. A word to the wise. Good bye.'

  "Yes," said Mr. Slick, "I rather like Abednego's talk myself. I kinderthink that it will be respectable to be Attache to such a man as that.But he is goin' out of town for some time, is the Socdolager. There isan agricultural dinner, where he has to make a conciliation speech; anda scientific association, where there is a piece of delicate brag anda bit of soft sawder to do, and then there are visits to the nobility,peep at manufactures, and all that sort of work, so he won't be in townfor a good spell, and until then, I can't go to Court, for he is tointroduce me himself. Pity that, but then it'll give me lots o' time tostudy human natur, that is, if there is any of it left here, for I havesome doubts about that. Yes, he is an able lead horse, is Abednego; heis a'most a grand preacher, a good poet, a first chop orator, agreat diplomater, and a top sawyer of a man, in short--he _is_ a_Socdolager_."