CHAPTER VI. THE PRINCE DE JOINVILLE'S HORSE.
"There is more in that story, Squire," said Mr. Hopewell, "of thePatron, and Sam's queer illustration of the Cow's Tail, than you areaware of. The machinery of the colonies is good enough in itself, butit wants a safety valve. When the pressure within is too great, thereshould be something devised to let off the steam. This is a subjectwell worthy of your consideration; and if you have an opportunity ofconversing with any of the ministry, pray draw their attention to it. Bynot understanding this, the English have caused one revolution at home,and another in America."
"Exactly," said Mr. Slick. "It reminds me of what I once saw done by thePrince de Joinville's horse, on the Halifax road."
"Pardon me," said Mr. Hopewell, "you shall have an opportunity presentlyof telling your story of the Prince's horse, but suffer me to proceed.
"England, besides other outlets, has a never-failing one in thecolonies, but the colonies have no outlet. Cromwell and Hampden wereactually embarked on board of a vessel in the Thames, for Boston, whenthey were prevented from sailing by an Order in Council. What was theconsequence? The sovereign was dethroned. Instead of leading a smallsect of fanatical puritans, and being the first men of a village inMassachussets, they aspired to be the first men in an empire, andsucceeded. So in the old colonies. Had Washington been sent abroadin command of a regiment, Adams to govern a colony, Franklin to makeexperiments in an observatory like that at Greenwich, and a moreextended field been opened to colonial talent, the United States wouldstill have continued to be dependencies of Great Britain.
"There is no room for men of talent in British America; and by notaffording them an opportunity of distinguishing themselves, or rewardingthem when they do, they are always ready to make one, by opposition. Incomparing their situation with that of the inhabitants of the BritishIsles, they feel that they labour under disabilities; these disabilitiesthey feel as a degradation; and as those who impose that degradationlive three thousand miles off, it becomes a question whether it isbetter to suffer or resist."
"The Prince de Joinville's horse," said Mr. Slick, "is a case in pint."
"One moment, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell.
"The very word 'dependencies' shows the state of the colonies. If theyare to be retained, they should be incorporated with Great Britain.The people should be made to feel, not that they are colonists, butEnglishmen. They may tinker at constitutions as much as they please;the root of the evil lies deeper than statesmen are aware of. O'Connell,when he agitates for a repeal of the Union, if he really has no ulteriorobjects beyond that of an Irish Parliament, does not know what he istalking about. If his request were granted, Ireland would become aprovince, and descend from being an integral part of the empire, intoa dependency. Had he ever lived in a colony, he would have known thetendencies of such a condition.
"What I desire to see, is the very reverse. Now that steam has unitedthe two continents of Europe and America, in such a manner that youcan travel from Nova Scotia to England, in as short a time as itonce required to go from Dublin to London, I should hope for a unitedlegislature. Recollect that the distance from New Orleans to the headof the River is greater than from Halifax N. S., to Liverpool. I donot want to see colonists and Englishmen arrayed against each other, asdifferent races, but united as one people, having the same rights andprivileges, each bearing a share of the public burdens, and all having avoice in the general government.
"The love of distinction is natural to man. Three millions of peoplecannot be shut up in a colony. They will either turn on each other, orunite against their keepers. The road that leads to retirement in theprovinces, should be open to those whom the hope of distinction invitesto return and contend for the honours of the empire. At present, theegress is practically closed."
"If you was to talk for ever, Minister," said Mr. Slick, "you couldn'tsay more than the Prince de Joinville's hoss on that subject."
The interruption was very annoying; for no man I ever met, so thoroughlyunderstands the subject of colonial government as Mr. Hopewell. Hisexperience is greater than that of any man now living, and his viewsmore enlarged and more philosophical.
"Go on, Sam," said he with great good humour. "Let us hear what thePrince's horse said."
"Well," said Mr. Slick, "I don't jist exactly mean to say he spoke, asBalaam's donkey did, in good English or French nother; but he did thatthat spoke a whole book, with a handsum wood-cut to the fore, and that'sa fact.
"About two years ago, one mortal brilin' hot day, as I was a pokin'along the road from Halifax to Windsor, with Old Clay in the waggon,with my coat off, a ridin' in my shirt-sleeves, and a thinkin' how slicka mint-julep would travel down red-lane, if I had it, I heard such achatterin', and laughin', and screamin' as I never a'most heerd afore,since I was raised.
"'What in natur' is this,' sais I, as I gave Old Clay a crack of thewhip, to push on. 'There is some critters here, I guess, that have founda haw haw's nest, with a tee hee's egg in it. What's in the wind now?'Well, a sudden turn of the road brought me to where they was, and whoshould they be but French officers from the Prince's ship, travellin'incog. in plain clothes. But, Lord bless you, cook a Frenchman any wayyou please, and you can't disguise him. Natur' will out, in spite ofall, and the name of a Frencher is written as plain as any thing in hiswhiskers, and his hair, and his skin, and his coat, and his boots, andhis air, and his gait, and in everythin', but only let him open hismouth, and the cat's out of the bag in no time, ain't it? They are drollboys, is the French, that's a fact.
"Well, there was four on 'em dismounted, a holdin' of their hosses bythe bridle, and a standin' near a spring of nice cool water; and therewas a fifth, and he was a layin' down belly flounder on the ground, atryin' to drink out of the runnin' spring.
"'Parley vous French,' sais I, 'Mountsheer?' At that, they sot to, andlarfed again more than ever, I thought they would have gone into thehigh strikes, they hee-hawed so.
"Well, one on 'em, that was a Duke, as I found out afterwards, said 'Oyees, Saar, we spoked English too.'
"'Lawful heart!' sais I, 'what's the joke?'
"'Why,' sais he, 'look there, Sare.' And then they larfed agin, ready tosplit; and sore enough, no sooner had the Leftenant layed down to drink,than the Prince's hoss kneeled down, and put his head jist over hisneck, and began to drink too. Well, the officer couldn't get up for thehoss, and he couldn't keep his face out of the water for the hoss, andhe couldn't drink for the hoss, and he was almost choked to death, andas black in the face as your hat. And the Prince and the officers larfedso, they couldn't help him, if they was to die for it.
"Sais I to myself, 'A joke is a joke, if it tante carried too far,but this critter win be strangled, as sure as a gun, if he lays heresplutterin' this way much longer.' So I jist gives the hoss a dab inthe mouth, and made him git up; and then sais I, 'Prince,' sais I, for Iknow'd him by his beard, he had one exactly like one of the oldsaint's heads in an Eyetalian pictur, all dressed to a pint, so sais I,'Prince,' and a plaguy handsum man he is too, and as full of fun as akitten, so sais I, 'Prince,' and what's better, all his officers seemedplaguy proud and fond of him too; so sais I, 'Prince, voila le conditionof one colonist, which,' sais I, 'Prince, means in English, thatleftenant is jist like a colonist.'
"'Commong,' sais he, 'how is dat?'
"'Why' sais I, 'Prince, whenever a colonist goes for to drink at aspring of the good things in this world, (and plaguy small springs wehave here too,) and fairly lays down to it, jist as he gets his lipscleverly to it, for a swig, there is some cussed neck or another, ofsome confounded Britisher, pops right over him, and pins him there. Hecan't get up, he can't back out, and he can't drink, and he is blackedand blued in the face, and most choked with the weight.'
"'What country was you man of?' said he, for he spoke very good for aFrenchman.
"With that I straightened myself up, and looked dignified, for I know'dI had a right to be proud, and no mistake; sais I, 'Prince, I am anAmerican citizen.' H
ow them two words altered him. P'raps there beant notwo words to ditto 'em. He looked for all the world like a different manwhen he seed I wasn't a mean uncircumcised colonist.
"'Very glad to see you, Mr. Yankee,' said he, 'very glad indeed. Shall Ihave de honour to ride with you a little way in your carriage?'
"'As for the matter of that,' sais I, 'Mountsheer Prince, the honour isall the other way,' for I can be as civil as any man, if he sets out toact pretty and do the thing genteel.
"With that he jumped right in, and then he said somethin' in Frenchto the officers; some order or another, I suppose, about comin on andfetchin' his hoss with them. I have hearn in my time, a good many menspeak French, but I never see the man yet, that could hold a candleto _him_. Oh, it was like lightnin', jist one long endurin' streak; itseemed all one sentence and one word. It was beautiful, but I couldn'tonderstand it, it was so everlastin' fast.
"'Now,' sais he, 'set sail.' And off we sot, at the rate of sixteennotts an hour. Old Clay pleased him, you may depend; he turned round andclapped his hands, and larfed, and waved his hat to his officers tocome on; and they whipped, and spurred, and galloped, and raced for dearlife; but we dropped 'em astarn like any thing, and he larfed again,heartier than ever There is no people a'most, like to ride so fast assailors; they crack on, like a house a fire.
"Well, arter a while, sais he, 'Back topsails,' and I hauled up, andhe jumped down, and outs with a pocket book, and takes a beautiful goldcoronation medal. (It was solid gold, no pinchback, but the rael yallerstuff, jist fresh from King's shop to Paris, where his money is made),and sais he, 'Mr. Yankee, will you accept that to remember the Prince deJoinville and his horse by?' And then he took off his hat and made me abow, and if that warn't a bow, then I never see one, that's all. I don'tbelieve mortal man, unless it was a Philadelphia nigger, could make sucha bow. It was enough to sprain his ankle he curled so low. And then offhe went with a hop, skip, and a jump, sailor fashion, back to meet hispeople.
"Now, Squire, if you see Lord Stanley, tell him that story of the Princede Joinville's horse; but before you get so far as that, pin him byadmissions. When you want to get a man on the hip, ax him a questionor two, and get his answers, and then you have him in a corner, he muststand and let you put on the bridle. He cant help it no how, he can fixit.
"Says you, 'My Lord'--don't forget his title--every man likes the soundof that, it's music to his ears, it's like our splendid national air,Yankee Doodle, you never get tired of it. 'My Lord,' sais you, 'what doyou suppose is the reason the French keep Algiers?' Well, he'll upand say, it's an outlet for the fiery spirits of France, it gives thememployment and an opportunity to distinguish themselves, and what theclimate and the inimy spare, become valuable officers. It makes goodsoldiers out of bad subjects.
"'Do you call that good policy?' sais you.
"Well, he's a trump, is Mr. Stanley, at least folks say so; and he'llsay right off the reel 'onquestionably it is--excellent policy.'
"When he says that, you have him bagged, he may flounder and spring likea salmon jist caught; but he can't out of the landin' net. You've gothim, and no mistake. Sais you 'what outlet have you for the colonies?'
"Well, he'll scratch his head and stare at that, for a space. He'llhum and haw a little to get breath, for he never thought of that afore,since he grow'd up; but he's no fool, I can tell you, and he'll out withhis mould, run an answer and be ready for you in no time. He'll say,'They don't require none. Sir. They have no redundant population. Theyare an outlet themselves.'
"Sais you, 'I wasn't talking of an outlet for population, for France orthe provinces nother. I was talking of an outlet for the clever men, forthe onquiet ones, for the fiery spirits.'
"'For that. Sir,' he will say, 'they have the local patronage.'
"'Oh!' sais you, 'I warn't aware. I beg pardon, I have been absent sometime, as long as twenty days or perhaps twenty-five, there must havebeen great changes, since I left.'
"'The garrison,' sais you.
"'Is English,' sais he.
"'The armed ships in the harbour?'
"'English.'
"'The governor and his secretary?'
"'English.'
"'The principal officer of customs and principal part of his deputies?'
"'English.'
"'The commissariat and the staff?'
"'English to a man.'
"'The dockyard people?'
"'English.'
"'The postmaster giniral?'
"'English.'
"'What, English?' sais you, and look all surprise, as if you didn'tknow. 'I thought he was a colonist, seein' the province pays so much forthe mails.'
"'No,' he'll say, 'not now; we have jist sent an English one over, forwe find it's a good thing that.'
"'One word more,' sais you, 'and I have done. If your army officers outthere, get leave of absence, do you stop their pay?'
"'No.'
"'Do you sarve native colonists the same way?'
"'No, we stop half their salaries.'
"'Exactly,' sais you, 'make them feel the difference. Always make anigger feel he is a nigger, or he'll get sassy, you may depend. As forpatronage,' sais you, 'you know as well as I do, that all that'snot worth havin', is jist left to poor colonist. He is an officer ofmilitia, gets no pay and finds his own fit out. Like Don Quixote'stailor, he works for nothin' and finds thread. Any other little mattersof the same kind, that nobody wants, and nobody else will take; ifBlue-nose makes interest for, and has good luck, he can get as a greatfavour, to conciliate his countrymen. No, Minister,' sais you, 'you area clever man, every body sais you are a brick; and if you ain't, youtalk more like one, than any body I have seen this while past. I don'twant no office myself, if I did p'raps, I wouldn't talk about patronagethis way; but I am a colonist, I want to see the colonists remain so.They _are_ attached to England, that is a fact, keep them so, by makingthem Englishmen. Throw the door wide open; patronise them; enlist themin the imperial sarvice, allow them a chance to contend for honours andlet them win them, if they can. If they don't, it's their own fault, andcuss 'em they ought to be kicked, for if they ain't too lazy, there isno mistake in 'em, that's a fact. The country will be proud of them, ifthey go ahead. Their language will change then. It will be _our_ army,the delighted critters will say, not the English army; _our_ navy, _our_church, _our_ parliament, _our_ aristocracy, &c., and the word Englishwill be left out holus-bolus, and that proud, that endearin' word"our" will be insarted. Do this, and you will shew yourself the firststatesman of modern times. You'll rise right up to the top of the pot,you'll go clean over Peel's head, as your folks go over ourn, not byjumpin' over him, but by takin' him by the neck and squeezin' himdown. You 'mancipated the blacks, now liberate the colonists and makeEnglishmen of them, and see whether the goneys won't grin from ear toear, and shew their teeth, as well as the niggers did. Don't letYankee clockmakers, (you may say that if you like, if it will help yourargument,) don't let travellin' Yankee clockmakers tell such stories,against _your_ justice and _our_ pride as that of the Prince deJoinville and his horse.'"
The Attaché; or, Sam Slick in England — Complete Page 21