by Sarah Ockler
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For Alex,
because . . . ZOMBIES!
#NOTEVENCLOSE
If a picture is worth a thousand words, a picture tagged on Miss Demeanor’s Scandal of the Month page is worth about a million. Especially when the story all those words tell is an absolute lie.
Well, mostly a lie.
The part about falling asleep in his arms is sort of true. I don’t remember the details about the horse, or how it got into the living room exactly, but judging from the smell that morning, that part’s true too. And yes, the Harvard-bound debate team captain definitely cannonballed into the pond wearing only tuxedo socks and silver fairy wings. Everyone got shots of that.
But there’s no way the other stuff happened.
Not like the pictures are saying it did.
A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO LAVENDER OAKS SWORDFISH ON THE OCCASION OF PROM
MISS DEMEANOR
2,002 likes
92 talking about this
Friday, April 25
It’s prom weekend, fishes, and you know what that means: Sex! Scandal! And . . . glitter?
Yes, glitter, as you’d expect from Lavender Oaks’s first-ever Mythical Creatures Promenade. I’m not sure what that even means, but everything’s better with sparkle, so let’s raise a glass to the planning committee for spreading a dash of pixie dust on an otherwise pedestrian tradition. Cheers!
For those of you who haven’t planned the ruination of your innocence at one of the many after-parties, may I suggest popping by the east field for the school-sponsored medieval joust and mutton roast? Principal Zeff assures me that while the lances are made of foam, the horses and meat (mutually exclusive, despite recent legislation) are the real deal.
Chain mail not your thing? Rumor has it the (e)lectronic Vanities Intervention League is hosting a postprom reenactment of the fake moon landing on the grassy knoll, but they don’t believe in Facebook; we can neither confirm nor deny reports. Still, if anyone spots any (e)VIL club members at the dance, snap a few pics. I’d love to see those girls rock an updo with their tinfoil hats.
Team Tinfoil Hat pics aside, don’t forget to upload and share your juiciest weekend shots here on the Miss Demeanor page, tagged #scandal to enter my Scandal of the Month contest. This is it, kids—the very last #scandal before graduation. Make it count! Winners will be immortalized with a blinking gold star and, of course, eternal humiliation. Can’t put a price on that!
Speaking of fame and glory, today we crossed the magic number: 2,000 fans! But it’s no time to rest on our überpopular laurels. Millions of Americans have yet to profess their loyalty. I’m saying! So do your part and tell a friend, tell an ex, tell a nana to hit that thumbs-up button!
On a serious note, a message from Students Against Substance Abuse: Driving dry is hella fly. The SASA president will personally monitor the punch bowl for suspicious activity, and the VP has the smoking lounge on lockdown in case you have any nontobacco smoking plans. With all that glitter and gossamer, something tells me you won’t need hallucinogenics to have a funky trip, anyway.
While you’re out bustin’ a move in your satin and sequins tomorrow, I’ll be home reclining in my zebra-print Snuggie, knuckles-deep in a box of Fiddle Faddle. Not very mythical, perhaps, but I’ve got a date with Danger’s Little Darling, and after last week’s killer episode, I can’t wait to see what Angelica Darling has in store. God, I love me some Jayla Heart. That saucy starlet’s the hottest thing to ever come out of Lav-Oaks. Don’t believe me? Check out her fan page, the Jayla Heartthrobs. 200K fans? There’s a girl who knows how to bust a move.
In closing, a Facebook message even Team Tinfoil Hat can’t protest: Have fun this weekend, fishies. Be safe. And don’t forget to smile for the spy satellites!
xo ~ Ciao! ~ xo
Miss Demeanor
THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GLITTER
Say . . . magic pixie dust!”
Inside the bedazzled Lavender Oaks gym, a photographer blasts me and Cole with the flash of a thousand suns, and the words “terrible” and “mistake” appear in neon bubbles before my eyes.
Dear formerly respectable self: How many lines will you cross tonight? Wearing a dress. Riding in a party Hummer. Striking a pose next to a horse festooned with a plastic unicorn horn.
Prince Freckles is normally reserved for the horseback riding elective, but the Mythical Creatures prom committee lassoed him into mascot duty. He doesn’t seem to mind his makeshift pen—roped-off section near the bleachers, hay on the floor—but the costume is another story. Sequins? Clearly not Prince Freckles’s personal style best.
“Short straw?” I whisper.
He flicks a pink ear in my direction and lets out a pathetic snort. Don’t let the other horses see me like this.
The camera flashes again, and I wish on some of that magic pixie dust to spirit us both away, far from cowpoke Colorado and the ankle-deep hay and the too-tight hair ornaments.
Sadly, if my fairy godmother’s on the scene, her gossamer-winged butt is parked at the punch bowl, and my wish floats up to the disco balls unfulfilled.
“Aww, cutest couple ever,” the photographer says with a final blinding flash.
Cole winks at me across the speckled horse. His copper-green eyes shine with so much fire my chest hurts, and right before I basically die, he gets dragged off by the guys in his band and my half-stalled heart sputters back to life.
Close call, it warns. Pat-pat-pat.
“I can’t believe they got an actual unicorn. Miss Demeanor will fa-reak when she sees this.” My friend Griffin and her soul-mate-of-the-hour, an elf-costumed kid named Paul from Saint Paul’s Prep, enter the pen. Griff shakes out her dyed platinum curls and tries to snap a selfie, but the phone her parents got her in Helsinki is so complicated, she can never work the camera.
The real photographer takes over, and I find a seat on the bleachers to watch the show of Paul ogling Griffin’s succubus dress, a midnight-blue sheath with a sewn-on devil’s tail and a deep V down the front. Cute and pointy Legolas ears aside, Paul’s getting the Tarts of Apology tomorrow—Griff’s method of breaking hearts at the corner table at Black & Brew Café. Bad news goes down better with pastries, she always says.
She has a lot of theories. It’s exhausting.
Griffin lets out a high-pitched squeal as Paul palms her ass, and the tea-rose corsage near my shoulder tumbles to my lap, scattering petals on the way down. I scoop them into a pile, their edges already curling.
Prom impostor.
It’s Saturday night. I should be home slaying online zombies and sneaking people food to Night of the Living Dog, not playing dress up in the land of make-believe. Because fact-check time, for anyone keeping it real:
1. Prince Freckles isn’t really a unicorn.
2. Cole isn’t really my date.
3. This poof of a dress isn’t really my style. Vintage rockabilly halter, butter-white chiffon with black cherry print and a bloodred sash. It’s so pretty I’m practically allergic.
From the horse pen, Griff squeals again, and my gaze darts to the doors behind her. Maybe the Hummer’s still in the parking lot, still shooting iridescent orbs from its rooftop bubble machine. I can sneak out, catch a ride home. In less than an hour I’ll be out of this pinup gear, sucking down a Dr Pepper and roasting undead hordes with a flamethrower.
My fingers squeeze i
nvisible triggers. . . .
“Don’t tell me my last-minute date’s already bailing.” Cole’s back, crouching in front of me with a smirk. Normally he keeps a little scruff on his face, but he cleaned up for the occasion, and the late-spring sunshine has left his skin tan and smooth. Kissable. “What’s wrong, Luce?”
I heft four thousand layers of chiffon over my black thigh-high boots, the only part of the ensemble that’s mine, and crush the fabric in my fists. “I’m a wedding-cake topper.”
“Not even.” Cole takes the wilting corsage from my lap. “You look, um, really nice.” He leans in close, messy hair tickling my nose. He smells like outside, like campfire and ripe apples, and—
Hey! Prince Freckles’s sequined-covered stomp says it all: Don’t even think about it!
With a heavy sigh, I flick a lone rose petal from my lap. I’d love to follow the horse’s advice, but it’s too late. Don’t even think about it? I have thought about it. Every day. For the last four years.
We’ve never kissed, never cuddled, never been anything more than capital-F Friends. Cole Foster broke my heart anyway. Like the perfect dress and the flowers that refuse to stay put, the only boy I’ve ever loved belongs to Eliana Pike.
Ellie.
My best friend.
“Thanks for filling in tonight.” Cole’s breath glances my shoulder as he works to reattach the corsage. Beneath his touch, my heart flops like a beached fish, and I turn my face away from his gaze.
Perfect. How am I supposed to survive an entire night of dancing if I can’t even manage eye contact? Honestly, the whole arrangement is getting to be a serious problem.
“Not a problem,” I say.
Get it together, Luce. Ellie’s in bed with the superflu, missing senior prom—the event she looked forward to more than anything the whole three years she’s been with Cole. All I’m missing is a little online carnage.
Please go with him, Lucy. You’re my surrogate! You have to send me pictures all night long!
Never one to say no to Ellie, I’ve been following those orders all night. omg u & griff r stunners, her last text said, after she reviewed the series my parents snapped in our driveway. u r totes keeping that dress! She’s been texting for the play-by-play ever since.
“You sure you’re okay?” Cole’s gaze sweeps the black cherries bodice, and for a moment there’s something in his eyes, something more than the usual mischief.
When he looks up again it’s gone, and I’m suddenly naked, a transparent idiot full of impossible fantasies. There was never anything in his eyes, and here I am still pretending, stunt-doubling like some Goth Cinderella who can’t accept the fact that everything turns to dust at midnight.
People are looking at us now, whispering and curious as news of Ellie’s predicament makes the rounds, but it’s hardly a scandal. By Monday morning she’ll be back in Cole’s arms, the dress replaced on its hanger like the whole dark fairy tale never happened.
I take a steadying breath, a reboot on the pity party. Maybe it was crazy to say yes when Ellie asked, but I did say yes. I made a promise, and it’s Cole’s prom too—he deserves to have fun.
I won’t let either of them down.
“Totally sure.” With a fresh smile, I rise from the bleachers and grab Cole’s hand, shaking off my reservations. It’s just a dance. A few hours, a few pictures, then I’m back in zombie-slaying heaven. “Rent-a-Princess at your service.”
As soon as Ellie’s better, I’m totally putting her in the hospital.
• • •
The gym is stacked to the rafters with the fanged, the furred, and the feyed, everyone sparkling and fabulous in a strobe-light haze but me, who decided becoming Ellie for the night was mythical enough, and Cole, who didn’t want me to feel left out.
After I snap a few decor shots for Ellie, Cole navigates us through a sea of fist-bumping vampires—Where’s Ellie, bro? What’s up with you and Lucy, bro? If you’re done with Ellie, bro, can I hit it?—and spins me onto the dance floor.
Good timing. I have a superlow bro-speak threshold.
Cole mimics my scowl, holding the pose until I laugh. “I know you’d rather be shooting zombies,” he says, “but we’re not leaving until you have eight consecutive minutes of fun. I’m timing you.”
I poke my auburn Texas-style updo—when Mom heard I’d be promming it up tonight, her inner debutante could not be leashed—and secure a loose bobby pin. “I’m having fun.”
“Great,” Cole says. “Now I have to bust out my Riverdance moves.”
“You can’t Riverdance to rap mash-ups, bro.”
“This isn’t just any mash-up. It’s ‘Reckoner’s Encore.’ ” Cole’s a drummer in a band called Vanitas—my suggestion, after their inaugural gig in Cole’s garage last year—and now he mimes the beat with invisible drumsticks. “I rock this shit.”
“Take it away, Irish.”
“Ye of little faith!” Cole folds his arms over his chest, jumps up, kicks his heels together, and lands without falling.
“Um . . . did you really just . . . ?”
“I’m really just getting started.” His grin is wide and genuine, and when another baseline thumps through the speakers, he doesn’t miss a step.
Three, four, five songs pass, and Cole’s moves get crazier and more daring, like he has this whole reserve inside, waiting for a chance to make me laugh. He twists and bobs, sings made-up lyrics in my ear, taps beats on my hips, and for an entire hour I ignore the camera flashes around us, the endless buzz of Ellie’s texts from the phone inside my sash. Following Cole’s lead, I dance and twirl and laugh as if this feeling will last forever, as if it’s always been mine to hold.
Then the dance tracks fade into a ballad, slow and full of longing, and I picture Ellie, curled up with a bowl of soup and her stuffed companion Hedwig, her voice a watery echo.
I want you guys to have so much fun for me. . . .
“I’ll be back.” I slip out of Cole’s embrace and weave through the battlefield, avoiding Griff and Paul’s grindfest, dodging packs of drunk vampires and duck-faced, selfie-snapping fairies until I’m out of sight.
• • •
Most horses would revolt, or at least poop on the floor, but Prince Freckles is a pacifist—probably how he got saddled with this crap gig in the first place. While the rest of the Lav-Oaks horse fleet is undoubtedly prepping for tonight’s jousting tournament, my equine-American bestie is alone in the pen, unsupervised, bearing his shame without complaint.
“Brought you a treat.” I hold out an apple pilfered from a cheesy Twilight display by the punch bowl. The fruit disappears in a single bite, and across his gray-speckled rump, I catch sight of Olivia Barnes.
The cute but mousy girl from my advanced art class is constantly asking about Cole and Ellie—how long they’ve been in love and is it the capital-L kind or just lowercase? With Ellie down for the count, the little Jezebel finds the courage to ask Cole for a dance, and they’re off, swaying and bobbing like a boat in the smoke-machine fog.
My stomach goes all pretzely, and I force my attention back to Prince Freckles.
We’re no longer alone.
“Lucy?” Kiara Chen saunters toward us in a silver floor-length dress, face painted with teal swirls, her glossy black hair studded with starfish. “Can you take my picture with the unicorn? Like, superfast? And then I’ll send it to my mom?”
She’s way too jittery for such a beautiful mermaid, but I—equal-opportunity ally to creatures both land and sea—slip the phone from my sash and comply.
“My parents wanted pictures,” she explains when I hand her the phone. At lightning speed, she taps in a number and sends the files. “My club is strict about . . . you know. Cameras and texting and stuff.”
Her eyes are darting around like there’s a spy on her fishtail, and now I get it. Kiara is vice president of (e)VIL, this whackadoo conspiracy-theory club that wants to rid the world of technology or Facebook or something. I’m betting if he
r crew caught her posing for digital pics and sending them through cyberspace, they’d execute her. In a super old-school way, like a guillotine.
Kiara returns my phone. The instant it touches my hand, it’s buzzing, the number unfamiliar.
“Must be your mom.” I read the text out loud. “ ‘Adorbs! Instagramming it for Nana. See you after the dance, sweetie! DVRd DLD for you!’ ”
Kiara goes the color of Bella Swan’s apple. “DLD? Um . . . I mean, I’ve never seen it. Mom’s the Jayla Heart fan in our house. That’s her name, right?”
“That is, in fact, her name.” I give her a teasing smirk. Jayla Heart, class of 2007, bounced to Hollywood right after grad, eventually scoring the lead on Danger’s Little Darling and becoming the pride and joy and tabloid scandal–magnet of Lavender Oaks. “If you’re gonna cheat, there are much better shows.”
“I’m not—”
“Your secret’s safe with me.” I pat the horse’s rump. “And Prince Freckles is a vault.”
She thanks me, smiling and relieved, but before we start braiding each other’s hair and making sleepover plans, Cole shows up, and Kiara disappears.
“Making new friends?” His hair flops into his eyes, doing nothing to hide his adorable grin, which is all, If you love me and you know it clap your hands!
“Everywhere I go.” Clap-clap.
“Mermaids and unicorns can’t save you,” he says. Prince Freckles and I look up simultaneously, and Cole pats his jacket pockets. “Since I’m carrying your lipstick, your eyeliner, your license, and your house keys, I’m thinking you at least owe me a slow dance.”
• • •
“ ‘Nothing Compares 2 U?’ ” I fumble with the sash, smoothing nonexistent wrinkles. “Way to rock a breakup anthem at prom, Lav-Oaks.”
“Don’t get any ideas. You can’t break up with me until midnight. Your contract is specific.” Cole untangles my hands, and for all his earlier jokes, suddenly there isn’t a funny thing left on earth.