by K. A. Berg
Tanner of all people knows how hard this is, but at least he knew what went wrong. Not that he deserved everything Ashley dished out to him.
“You’re telling me? I fucked my way through half of Phoenix, as often and as dirty as possible, and I still can’t get the woman out of my head.” I did attempt to move on from her.
“Does any of this mean you’re coming home?” he asks laughing.
“I took the job two weeks ago. I just haven’t said anything yet because I’m still not sure if it’s the right choice for me,” I finally admit to him. I hadn’t wanted to say anything to anyone yet because I’m trying to think of a plan of action for attempting to get my woman back, if I’m honest, or at least the closure I’ve been waiting the last two years for. I wanted to wait until I got settled before telling people.
“Well, since you took the job, no turning back now. If you couldn’t fuck her out of your head from across the country, then I say coming home where you have support is a good choice.”
“Yeah, but she’ll be here too.” There’s so much uncertainty when it comes to moving back here. Quinn could tell me to go fuck myself. I have no clue whether or not she even misses me. Staying in Arizona, where I don’t have to see her, is the safe bet. But I don’t want to do that. I want answers and maybe a shot at fixing this. This is the first time my brain has processed the thought without hesitating. But if she doesn’t want me, I’ll have to see her more often than I would in Scottsdale. But there, even though she was out of sight, she was still never out of my mind.
There have been times when I was able to push her from my mind, for a little while. Then I’d come across something which would remind me of her, and the floodgate would open. My mind would be infiltrated with all things Quinn. I won’t get that luxury here. I’m going to be stuck in this limbo forever if I don’t find the answers I need.
I’m bracing myself in the waiting room before I head to Ashley’s room to see her and the baby. I’ve been back and forth between Jersey and Arizona, but I’ve been able to avoid any run-ins with Quinn over the last two months.
I wasn’t expecting Ashley to have the baby today. I was just supposed to help Tanner grab a restored rocking chair from his parents and bring it back to his house. None of this was in my plans for today. I wasn’t expecting to see Quinn.
My feelings are still too all over the place right now. A big part of me feels just as angry as I did the day she broke up with me. But I’m not only angry, I’m hurt, sad, and confused as well. Part of me wants to see her again. It’s been a very long time since I’ve laid eyes on the woman … maybe she’ll get that soft look in her eyes like she does when she lets her walls down. There’s a little bit of excitement brewing inside of me, too.
The small bit of excitement takes over the rational side of my brain. I know I’m setting myself up for pain when the rational side is right, and she looks at me with guarded eyes. Or worse treats me like I’m nothing but one of her one-night stands.
Walking into Ashley’s room, my small glimmer of hope grows when she looks at me with some softness and familiarity.
The moment my eyes land on her hand rubbing circles on my niece’s back, I spot the ring adorning her finger. My blood turns cold. My face hardens as I turn for the door. I need to get the hell out here before I do or say something stupid.
Fuck me!
I swear my friends back in Arizona heard the last little bit of my heart break from here.
Engaged? She’s fucking engaged!
Why does this woman still have the ability to wreck me? And the worst part of it is I can’t do a damn thing to stop it. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. Most of the female population in Scottsdale can attest to it.
I’ve been doing everything in my power to get Quinn Taylor out of my mind for the better part of two years, and she moved right the hell on. Engaged! Just thinking the word alone has me sick to my stomach.
I never expected to see Quinn standing here, rocking our goddaughter as if she was put on this Earth to coddle a baby. My senses are in overdrive. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about the future with Quinn—marriage, babies, the white picket fence. I would’ve bet the farm on Quinn being the one for me. I remember every detail about our love, even if she refused to acknowledge that’s what we had.
I invested in her. She was the most serious relationship I’ve ever had. I was happy and in love. God, was I in love. Everything about Quinn made me happy.
But the same couldn’t be said for her. She wasn’t happy. And I had no idea.
I was the oblivious fool blindsided by a breakup I never saw coming. Deep down a part of me always hoped she’d change her mind about us. That she just needed time. Time to remember how good we were together, but I guess I was wrong.
What do you do when the only woman you’ve ever pictured a future with decides to marry someone else?
Chapter Thirty-Six
Quinn
I haven’t even gotten through her massive front doors when Ashley comes barreling down the stairs toward me, “You’ve got some serious explaining to do.”
I can’t help but laugh at her as she tries to scold me. Gone is her fabulous wardrobe, a new mommy-friendly one in its place. She’s in ratty sweats, a T-shirt twelve sizes too big, her messy bun is sitting on the side of her head like a bad eighties hair-do and she has a sleeping beauty curled up in her arms. “See what you have to look forward to, kid?” I say, leaning in to kiss Michaela’s head.
“I’d kick her ass too if she was marrying some douche to please everyone but herself,” she snaps, pulling the baby away from me.
Setting my bag on the table, I walk over to grab Michaela from Ash. She’s not keeping the baby from me because she has her panties in a twist about my engagement. I’ve avoided her since she gave birth a few days ago because I didn’t want the lecture, but it’s inevitable. “Okay, you really need to chill for a minute. Why are you so fired up about this? You’re not the one marrying him.”
“And you shouldn’t either. I’ve seen you fight against this stupid idea for almost a year. You were out of your mind with anger when your father demanded you agree to this marriage. Now out of the blue, you’ve agreed,” she huffs as she paces the length of the entryway.
“Give me the baby,” I demand. If I’m going to have to listen to her bitch at me, I’m doing it while holding Michaela.
Sighing, Ashley reluctantly passes me Michaela and asks, “What’s really going on, Quinn?”
“I have my reasons. You need to trust me,” I reply as I inhale the sweet baby scent rolling off my goddaughter. Something about the smell of this baby calms my nerves. Maybe it’s the fact she’s so innocent and pure. The world hasn’t tainted her yet.
“Why? You don’t even like him,” she asks, a look of confusion crossing her face as she turns and heads toward the back of the house.
“Ashley, you’ve known me for a very long time. Do I ever do anything I don’t want to do?” I ask as I follow her.
“No, which is why I don’t get why you’re doing this.”
“I don’t need you to get why I’m doing this. I just need you to believe me when I tell you I have this under control.” I settle back against the kitchen island and wonder to myself if I really do have this under control. I just keep telling myself I only have to wait out the merger. After the merge, my father can’t do a thing to me. But it hasn’t helped to settle the fear lodged deep inside me.
“I’m not letting you do this, Quinn. I’ll find a way to get you to see reason on this. I’m not going to stand by quietly and let you make the biggest mistake of your life.” Ashley declares. The conviction in her voice tells me she’s not going to let this go.
I sigh and look back down at the baby in my arms and think to myself: too late. It’s already done. The engagement announcement will hit all the major papers tomorrow and, of course, be featured in the Times this weekend.
I can’t say I’m shocked by her reaction. Ashley’s a hopel
ess romantic—has been since the day I met her. Ashley lives the fairytale life. It was a hard road for her to get here, but she got it nonetheless, and it makes her believe anyone can have an incredible life with an adoring husband and beautiful babies. But it’s just not true.
With everything else on my plate at the moment, I was hoping my best friend would be here for me throughout the whole wedding. Her reaction makes it clear she’s not going to make this easy for me. I don’t know if I have any more room for another battle to fight right now.
My father finally gave me the VP promotion I was promised two years ago. Although it seems to have lost its luster with everything the man is doing to me. As soon as the engagement had been made official between Jordan and me, my father sent me a copy of the announcement with a new name plaque and a note telling me he’s a man of his word and I should remember that in case I was considering changing my mind.
I thought about telling Ashley the truth for a moment but decided it will just make everything harder for me. She’ll never understand and won’t stop trying to convince me not to go through with everything. The threat is real, and my father has become unhinged.
Some risks in life just aren't worth taking.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Alex
Arizona’s hot as balls in the summer. Like so hot my balls are practically melted to my thigh. And me being the genius I am, I thought moving in one-hundred-twenty-degree weather would be no biggie. I should’ve taken the team up on having the movers pack my stuff up, but it's too late now. I thought the distraction would be a good thing. Fucking idiot! When the team rented this place for me, it came fully furnished, thankfully. I just have to pack my shit which isn’t much. A single guy doesn’t accumulate much.
The air conditioning isn’t doing a damn thing in the way of cooling with the doors constantly opening and closing as I haul shit out. My T-shirt is soaked with sweat. As is my hair. Pulling it up into a knot on the top of my head, I decide it’s time for a break. I head to the kitchen for a drink. Water is about the only thing in my fridge at this point. I really want to dump it over my head, but I’ll just wait to take a cold shower after I finish up my packing. I don’t have too much left.
I’ve just about finished my bottle of water when my door opens and bubbly Tiffany bounces in bringing the scent of food with her. “Hello, hello!” she calls out as a greeting. “I brought Chinese.”
“In the kitchen, and thank God, I’m starving,” I smile at her as she rounds into the kitchen with a bag of take-out from the place down the road wrapped around her arm.
“I knew you wouldn’t have any food here at this point,” she says as she sets the bag down on the counter.
“I’m really going to miss having you as my neighbor. My next one will probably be an eighty-year-old woman named Estelle, who chain smokes and likes to bake weird cookies for her young neighbor boys,” I shudder just thinking about something like that happening.
“Well, don’t eat the weird cookies from your creepy neighbors and no one will be able to kidnap you and turn you into their fetish slave,” she laughs as she pulls the containers from the bag.
“Christ, Tiffany, you had to put that idea in my head. I’m never going to be able to look at old ladies the same ever again,” I grumble picturing granny porn with old ladies in pleather.
“If you don’t man up and get your girl back, what do you think you’ll be doing in twenty-five years? You’ll be out trolling for grandma pussy,” she says before breaking out into laughter.
Snatching the chopsticks from her hand, I give her a dirty look. “Glad you find yourself so funny. Pot meet kettle.” When Lena left Tiffany last year, I think it broke something inside her. We’re kindred spirits like that.
“I was very content to settle down with Lena. It was her who wanted to graze in other pastures.”
I feel for Tiffany, I do. She’s a great girl, and in a different time, I could’ve totally seen myself with her if she actually enjoyed men more than women. “I know just how you feel,” I sigh sadly, thinking back to a time when I also thought my life was heading in the right direction.
“Did you see her when you were home?” she asks timidly before handing me the carton of sesame chicken.
“Oh, I saw her all right. Her and her huge fucking rock of an engagement ring.” My face and emotions shut down whenever I picture her in the hospital room. I’m all out of emotion when it comes to Quinn. Well, that’s a lie. I have plenty of feelings for her, but they’re more fucked up now than they were a week ago.
She drops her food and pulls me into a hug. “No way! Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry, Alex.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I let out some of what I’ve been holding in the last week. I left the hospital and jumped straight on a plane back to Arizona. I couldn’t get away from her fast enough. I had some shit I needed to handle with the organization and an apartment to pack. It was the perfect excuse for rushing out right after the greatest moment of my best friends’ lives. I have to be back in Jersey in two days to start with my new team. “It was horrible, Tiff. A thousand different emotions coursed through my body all at once. I’m pretty sure I know what being electrocuted feels like now because that’s the only way I can describe it. Like someone pushed the hair dryer into the tub while I was in it.”
“I know exactly what you mean. What are you going to do?” she asks, looking up at me with pity I don’t want. I know she only has that look in her eye because she can kind of sympathize with how I’m feeling, but no one ever wants to be pitied.
“I have no idea. She told me she was done. She gave me her lame ass reason, and that was it. I haven’t even seen or spoken to her in two years, and now she’s marrying someone else,” I admit while trying not to go back to the dark, sad place in my mind I’ve been getting stuck in whenever I think about the ring on her finger.
“But you’ve been holding on to hope, a glimmer of hope while you’ve been here. I’ve seen it. Your team has seen it. Hell, some of your bedmates have even heard it,” she chuckles, referring to the time I accidentally called a woman “Quinn” while we were fucking.
“This is what I get for thinking life could turn out to be some epic love story. Time and distance would make her realize I was everything she ever wanted and the next time I saw her she would jump into my arms, and everything would be right in the world again.” Did I just say all that lame shit out loud? I even sound like a pansy to myself.
“You’re such a romantic,” Tiffany giggles. “And if Quinn can’t see how amazing you are, then it’s her loss. You’re going to make some woman very happy one day. Don’t forget that, Alex.”
“Thanks, sweetheart,” I smile even though I know deep down there’ll never be another woman for me. No one will ever measure up to Quinn.
“But do yourself a favor and don’t admit that shit in the locker room. EVER. You’ll get ragged on until the day you die,” she snorts. I’m really going to miss this chick.
“Yeah, well, it’s a good thing I’m leaving. I won’t be forced to watch your damn chick flicks and eat ice cream with you every twenty-eight days,” I smirk pinching her side.
“You loved it,” she smiles. Yeah right, I loved the crazy PMS mood swings and endless nights she would cry her eyes out after watching some silly romance flick.
Glancing back at her as I grab the food from the counter, I say, “Hated it! Those movies give sentimental saps like me false hope for the future.”
Tiffany and I finish our dinner, and she helps me pack the few remaining items in my apartment. We decide to have reminiscence night and watch a romantic comedy. We cuddle on the couch and laugh at all the stupidity in this dumb movie. Before I know it, her laughter turns to tears as we say goodbye.
The loneliness that had somewhat diminished since we’ve become friends starts to seep back in. Tiffany’s the only person I’ve ever bared my soul to about Quinn. I really am going to miss her. I’ll be sure to fly her out to Jersey first c
hance she has to get away. We say our goodbyes with promises to stay in touch.
“Don’t give up just yet, Alex. You’re going back home where you’ll see her all the time. Maybe Quinn’s the type of girl who needs to be constantly reminded of what she’s missing. Maybe this is the one case where absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder. You just left after she broke your heart. You only tried to get your closure over the phone where she could avoid you. Show her. Remind her she’s the luckiest woman in the world because you still love her even after all this time.” And with a kiss on the cheek, she’s gone.
And I’m gone too. Lost in a time I don’t like to think back on but remember every moment of. Every moment, including the first time I ever met Quinn. It turns out I wasn’t kidding when I said I was in love with her that night. I have no doubt I was. I just didn’t fully believe it then.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Quinn
“She just doesn’t understand,” I sigh to Blair as I finish the last of my martini. I needed a drink and with a person who understands my position after my conversation with Ashley earlier this week. Blair and I have been coworkers for a while, but we didn’t really become close until about a year ago. Ash had her domesticated life with Tanner, and I became the single friend who was kind of pushed aside. Not that I begrudge her for getting her happily ever after, but I don’t know how to fit into her life these days. We seem to be very disconnected, and I need people in my life who can connect with me. Especially now. Blair fits the bill.
“She’s not going to be able to understand, Quinn. Ashley comes from a different world. She’s hasn’t been raised like us. While she may live in the world of the rich and the famous, she’s not like you. You can’t expect her to understand your position on this or the pressure you’re under,” Blair says with a little too much venom in her voice for my liking. Sometimes she puts my bitchiness to shame.