by Monica James
He nods. A yawn following soon after.
“Goodbye, Angus. I’ll see you soon.” I sniff back my tears, staying strong. Just as I attempt to stand, he reaches out and interlaces his fingers through my hand. Looking down at our connection, I smile.
He breaks our union, only to sign, before bending forward and kissing me on the cheek. He waves and lumbers up the stairs before I can reply. I’m still on one knee when I glance up, watching Jude swallow with regret.
“He said it’s not goodbye…it’s good night.”
Blinking back my tears, I stand with a bittersweet smile. “Well, good night, Jude.” I wish Angus was right, but this feels like goodbye.
He interlaces both hands behind his neck and sighs. “Good night, Victoria.”
I want to say so many things, but I don’t. Regardless of the butterflies, the tiny flutter of wings, I need to stay away because those butterflies are what led me astray.
One Month Later
I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night, alone and cross-legged on my red seat, attempting to learn sign language from a book I purchased online. Surprisingly, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. I’ve given up on grading papers as my mind is elsewhere, or more accurately, it’s across the lake at Jude’s.
Over the past month, I’ve done some soul searching. It wasn’t easy, but finally, finally I’m on the right path. I had taken a major detour, but now things have never looked clearer. Work, friends, and focusing on my new life have kept me busy. It’s kept me from wondering about my neighbor.
But I have no other choice but to accept what it is.
Acceptance.
I accept what life is and let go of what was. I have faith in what it will be.
Jude is someone special. He crept up on me when I least expected anyone to. He showed me kindness. He also showed me I was stronger than I believed myself to be. He pushed me to better my situation, and all I did was push him away.
Acceptance.
I accept that for the first few weeks of living here, I was a stark raving lunatic.
My ribs still ache from my acceptance. Missing Jude and Angus more than I thought possible, I did something impulsive—I got a tattoo. There was no question on where I was going to get it. And what I wanted the word to be. Jude bears his scarlet letter, and now, I wear mine.
I remember thinking my feelings for Jude were more. I didn’t know what it meant then, but now I’ve come to realize that what I feel for him is more than friendship, but not enough for…love? That word still scares me. I think it always will. But right now, the only person I want to feel more for is myself.
My cell sits near me, taunting me with its ability to contact Jude. Groaning, I slump back into my chair. By texting him, I could demonstrate that I’m slowly becoming uncomplicated and accepting that I…what? Have feelings for him? Do I?
Rubbing my temples, I feel a headache approaching, as all of this thinking has given me a serious case of needing a stiff drink. Just as I rise, my cell rings, scaring the living bejesus out of me. My frayed nerves are already shot, so when I see who the caller is, I think I’m going to need a Valium.
“Jude?” I don’t mask my shock at him calling me. “What―”
But he doesn’t allow me to finish. “Have you seen Angus?” He sounds panicked.
“No, I haven’t. Is everything all right?” His exasperated sigh is all the answer I need. “When did you see him last?”
“Around six,” he replies, his heavy footsteps pounding on floorboards. “I’ve looked everywhere.”
The clock on my mantel reveals it’s now bordering on eleven o’clock. “Have you called Henry? Maybe he’s gone over there?”
“I’m not calling him. I can’t.”
I understand why he’s so apprehensive. This is just another excuse to blame Jude for Henry’s bleak view of the world. “I’ll help you look. He couldn’t have gone far.”
“I’ll be right over.” He hangs up, and I could swear I hear his truck roar to life seconds later.
My body trembles, and I know it’s got nothing to do with the cool night. If anything happens to Angus…I simply can’t finish that thought. There is a sharp banging on my front door; it thumps in time with my hammering heart.
I race toward the door, hurling it open. Jude is standing before me, appearing seconds away from losing it. His hair is snarled, his usual healthy complexion is now washed out, and his eyes are haunted with the unknown. I don’t say a word and slip into my coat, locking the door behind me as he charges down the stairs.
I’m troubled with images of Angus lost and alone, but I don’t dare express these thoughts to Jude, as one of us needs to keep it together. Just as I’m about to call out, I seal my mouth shut as I realize that won’t do a lick of good. He won’t be able to hear me.
“Where have you looked?” I ask, my shaky legs barely able to keep up with Jude as he races down the road.
“Everywhere,” he replies, not bothering to look at me. The ray of the flashlight flicks from left to right, its jerky movement reflecting Jude’s mood. “I should have known he’d do something like this.”
“You couldn’t have known. You can’t blame yourself.” I’m chasing after him, certain I’ll have to run to keep up.
“Tonight is the stupid dance at Angus’s school!” he rebukes, his shoulders slumped.
“Oh.” That changes everything.
“Yes, exactly.” He spins around so quickly, I run straight into the solid wall of his chest. His arms shoot out, and he secures a firm hold around my biceps. He’s a live wire, and I feel the electricity humming through his fingertips.
With Jude telling me to keep away, I had totally forgotten about my promise to attend the dance with Angus. If this is anyone’s fault, it’s mine. “This is my fault.” My eyes fill with tears. “I’ve let Angus down. I promised I would go, and I didn’t even remember! I’m so sorry, Jude.”
His grip becomes almost punishing as he squeezes tighter, before letting go. “Stop it. It’s not your fault. I know you would have. By trying to protect myself, I’ve inadvertently hurt my son.” Tugging at his hair, he exclaims, “If I had a better hold on my feelings for you, none of this would have happened!”
I can see the regret the moment the confession leaves his lips, while I’m having problems breathing. Feelings? For me? There must be some mistake. But when he gnaws on his bottom lip so hard I’m certain he’s drawn blood, I know there’s no mistaking what I heard.
Jude has feelings for me, and I have feelings…for Jude? When did this happen? But more importantly, what happens now? My tattoo itches, and I suddenly feel high as a kite.
Kite.
Of course.
Focusing on what’s important, I step away from Jude. He appears hurt by the detachment but soon understands why. “I think I know where Angus is.” I don’t wait for him to reply.
I spin and run faster than I’ve ever run before. Jude’s heavy footsteps follow in hot pursuit. I’m running toward finding Angus, but I’m running away from what weighs heavily within.
As I sprint down my driveway and turn left toward the dock, my heart explodes in my chest when I see a small figure standing by the lake’s edge. It’s without a doubt Angus, as the butterfly kite he’s holding confirms what I thought to be true.
After Jude revealed tonight’s significance, I figured Angus running away had something to do with me. Jude rushes past me, and I pull back, giving him a minute to reunite with his son. He scoops Angus up, almost crushing the little boy with the force of his relief. He doesn’t let go and simply hugs Angus, enfolding him tightly. The sight is truly beautiful. The butterfly floats in the sky, trailing behind and watching this reunion unfold.
Jude finally lets Angus go and sets him to his feet. “You can’t run off like that,” he says, signing. “I was so scared something happened to you.”
Angus replies, but Jude shakes his head. “No, buddy, you can’t do that. You have to ask.”
/> Walking closer, I narrow my eyes, reverting to the little sign language I’ve learned over the past month. I’m not certain, but I think Angus just said he wanted to see Jӓg.
Jude reprimands Angus, but underneath his scolding is relief. “I looked everywhere. I even came past here once or twice. Where were you?”
Angus replies with Jude explaining aloud what he’s saying. “I was here for a little bit. Then I rode my bike to catch fireflies.”
“You’re like the damn Flash when you want to be.”
Angus’s eyes rivet on me as I walk closer, and a smile spreads from cheek to cheek. He ignores Jude, who is still chiding him, and runs over to me. I crouch down and welcome him into my embrace. His tiny arms wrap around my neck, holding on so tight I can barely breathe. But who needs air when I’ve got this?
When he finally lets go, he signs hello. He also asks if I saw him fly his kite. He’s completely oblivious to the worry he’s caused because he never thought he was missing. He was at my home, a place that isn’t foreign land.
Just as Jude is about to explain what Angus said, I sign back. “I did, wombat. You’re very good.” Both Jude’s and Angus’s jaws drop to the ground. However, Angus grins a second later, signing so speedily, I can’t help but laugh at his excitement.
“I’m still learning,” I reply, messing up his hair as he grins.
Standing, I brush off my hands, embarrassed that Jude’s looking at me like I’m a stalker. “He either said he’s happy that I’m learning, or that he’s a yellow Martian who likes pie.”
Jude chuckles, the sound breaking through any tension I feel. “You’re right. He did say he was happy. The last part was him asking what a wombat was.” Now I’m the one to chuckle.
Lowering my eyes, I chew on my lower lip, wondering what to say. Jude speaks for me. “So, you learned sign language?”
“Um, yeah. Weird, right?” I roll a stone under my shoe, needing to do something other than squirm.
“No, it’s not weird, Victoria. I think it’s pretty cool. And considerate.”
My stomach does a tiny flip flop as I meet his heated stare. “Oh, okay, awesome. I just thought on the off chance I’d see Angus again, I wanted to be able to say hello.” Jude nods, his soft hair blowing in the gentle breeze. He takes one step, and then two, while I continue rambling, that electricity zapping between us. “I’m not very good, and honestly, half the time I think I’m signing the wrong thing, but…I…um…I missed him and…” I can’t finish my sentence because one minute I’m standing still, and then the next I’m engulfed into Jude’s arms.
I’m rigid, afraid of what happens when I move, but when Jude tightens his hold and moans softly into my ear, I let go of all reservations and just feel. Everything about him feels so right—his hardness complements his softness, and his shallow breathing amplifies the galloping of his heart. I’ve already forgotten what being in Bryan’s arms feels like, but this, this I can never forget. I’m addicted to Jude’s smell, the touch of him, and the way my body responds to him.
Whether it’s temporary insanity or the fact I suddenly want Jude more than I need air to breathe, I’ll never know, but pulling away, I raise my wavering hand and draw it to his face. He doesn’t hide his shock that I’m openly touching him.
With the tips of my fingers, I trace over his furrowed brow, then stroke across the line of his forehead, appreciating the soulfulness to his eyes. I descend over his stubbled cheek, his whiskers tickling my skin. His lips, even though they’re trembling, are still the softest, most kissable lips I’ve ever seen. And…I want to…kiss them…so badly. I can scarcely think of anything else but losing myself in him.
His mouth parts, his breath is warm, and his irises are swallowed up with black pools of wanting. I inch forward, forgetting who I am and forgetting that this shouldn’t be happening. With eyes locked, Jude edges forward, his tongue sweeping over my finger, which is familiarizing itself with every contour of his lips.
I ride this wave of impulsiveness because it feels so right. Sadly, that rightness comes to a screeching halt when I hear a sweet voice sound from behind us. “Angus, thank god I found you.”
Looking over Jude’s shoulder, I see the blonde nymph who stood in my yard weeks ago, here, in the flesh, standing in my yard once again. A cold bucket of “what the hell are you doing?” douses my flames, and I shrink backward, suddenly feeling a fool.
Jude looks as surprised as me, but not by the nymph, but rather, my reaction to the harpy in my back garden. Once he regains his composure, he clears his throat and turns around. “Hey, Grace. It’s fine. Crisis diverted. We found him.”
“Ready to go?” she says, smiling at Angus and ignoring Jude. Seems he has a knack for pissing everyone off.
Go where exactly? Do they live together? My stomach goes into meltdown mode, and I’m certain I’m going to be sick. I knew Jude had secrets, but this is more than I can handle.
He shakes his head. “I might stay…”
But I butt in, as I have no intention of being the third, fifth, or god knows how many, wheel. “No, I think it’s best you leave.”
Jude turns around slowly, not bothering to mask his annoyance. His eyebrows are knitted together as he tongues his upper lip. The space between us seconds ago was filled with desire, but now it’s filled with a desire of a different kind—my desire to strangle him. He may have Grace wrapped around his little finger, but my little finger is about to poke out his eyes.
Angus appeases my need for violence when he waves goodbye. Jude signs to Angus good night, and that he’ll see him in the morning. It appears he intends on staying for a while.
I don’t want to make a scene in front of him, so I stand off to the side, arms behind my back, wringing my hands together. “I’ll leave the porch light on for you.” Grace is just twisting the knife. Jude doesn’t reply; instead, he continues watching me closely with a stiff upper lip.
Jude folds his arms across his chest, daring me to speak. But he’s the one who insisted he stay, so he can explain what’s going on. “What’s the matter?”
I scoff. “Nothing is the matter.”
“Obviously, something is up because you look like you’re seconds away from murdering me,” he smartly replies, which infuriates me further.
Stalking toward him, I jab my finger into his chest. I ignore how good he feels. “I’m not interested in being one of your floozies!”
His jaw clenches, his nostrils flare. “Let me assure you, Grace isn’t a floozy. Although I’m flattered, there’s no need for you to be jealous.”
I ignore his jibe, and demand, “Then who is she?”
His cheeks puff as he blows out an exasperated breath. “Just trust me.”
“Trust you?” I laugh sarcastically. “I saw you, Jude. The night you got shot.” I swallow, the memory still too raw. “I saw you with that older lady in the car. You gave her money.” He pales, cementing his guilt. “What, are you her boy toy or something?”
I’m so mad I’m shaking.
He runs a hand down his face, exhaling forcefully. “L-Let me explain.” His falter is enough.
“There’s nothing to explain because, the truth is, I don’t know what to believe.”
Jude’s face softens, and the anger between us dissipates.
A dull knocking taps at the back of my head, not loud enough to be painful, but constant enough to be annoying. I rub my temples with my fingertips.
“Are you all right?” Jude asks, swallowing.
“No, I’m not.” I’m sick of the lies. “I don’t think I ever will be again.”
My honesty seems to trigger something in Jude. “Victoria, I need to…I need to tell you something…” The pause reveals his “something” is big. Do I have the strength to hear what it is? The sliver of moon hides behind the looming clouds, setting an ominous mood around us.
I wait, unsure if I want to hear his confession, but I’m sick of not knowing, of constantly feeling lost. Deep down, I know that Ju
de has the answers I so desperately seek. I don’t know how I know; I just know that I do. It could be the fact that we’re both lost souls, trying to find our way home.
“I…” His wavering makes me nervous, and I lick my dry lips. I feel parched as if I haven’t drunk in days. “I want to tell you, but I’m afraid. I’m not brave like you.”
“Afraid of what?” I whisper.
“Afraid of losing…this.” He sweeps two fingers back and forth between us. “You’re the only person who makes me feel whole again.”
His confession touches me because I feel the same way about him. “You know, telling someone your secret lifts the burden of having a secret to tell. I had secrets, but once you tell someone, they’re not secrets anymore.” It’s my way of expressing my gratitude to him.
He peers down at his boots, jaw clenched. “It’s not that simple. Some secrets are best left unspoken.”
A shiver runs through me, and I turn, certain someone is behind me, watching, breathing down my neck. “Jude…”
“I have to go.” The ambiance turns stale, losing all warmth.
I could beg him to tell me what’s wrong, but just as he did for me, I don’t push. Jude was my safety net when I was afraid I’d fall, and I owe him the same respect. “Okay.”
Jude and I share a connection, but where that connection stems from, I still don’t know. I can’t shake the feeling the answer is right there. I just don’t know where to look. Not yet anyway. The ache grows stronger as if my mind is telling me to stop searching for something I’m not ready to find.
Stepping forward, he presses his palm to my cheek. “One day, I promise this will all make sense.” I stand numbly and nod. His eyes search mine before he bends forward and kisses me on the forehead. “Good night.”
“Night.”
As he turns, a panic surrounds me. “Jude?” He stops in his tracks but keeps his back turned. “Promise me this isn’t g-goodbye. I couldn’t take it if it were.”