by Monica James
Finding the courage I need, I peel open my eyes and admire the mirror image of someone who exudes nothing but a will to live. I know Jude will fight me, but this isn’t his choice to make.
I take one final look around my room. This place will forever be etched in my mind, but I know I’ll see it again. With a sense of urgency, I bound down the stairs and run out the front door. Seeing Jude has never been more imperative. I know he’ll try to talk me out of my decision, but my mind is made up.
My legs burn as I take off in a dead sprint, the feeling confirming that no matter what this place is, it’s my home. It’s where I belong. It’s where I choose to stay.
I get to Jude’s in minutes and don’t bother knocking as I burst through the front door. “Jude!” I call out, searching each room, suddenly frightened he’s somehow gone. When he appears at the top of the stairs, I almost sag in relief.
“Tori?” He looks down at his watch, seeing that I’m early. “Is everything all right?”
Now that he’s here and I can catch my breath, I realize my entrance was a little dramatic. Before I can answer, however, Angus steps from his room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Jude was right. We’re all connected. A simile of hope.
Calming my nerves, I smile. “Hey, wombat. What are you doing up so late?”
“I heard your voice,” he signs, yawning.
I need to be near him, near them both, so I climb the stairs, hoping my shaky legs hold me up. When I reach the top step, I can feel the perception humming off Jude. He knows what I’ve decided, and he’ll do everything in his power to ensure I don’t follow through.
Ignoring him, I close the distance between Angus and me and open my arms. He steps into them, hugging me tightly.
“You look pretty,” he signs once we break our embrace.
“Thank you.” I gently run my fingers through his hair, the silky strands slipping between my fingertips.
Jude smiles proudly, devotion swimming in his eyes. He knows it’s time. “Buddy, I want you to listen real closely for a few minutes, okay?” He crouches down in front of him. Angus gives him his undivided attention.
There is no doubt he’s in visible pain, as this is the hardest thing he’ll ever have to do. “I’m so proud of you,” he says with conviction. “You’re the best thing I’ve ever done with my life. I want you to know that. There are going to be times when things are going to get tough, but you’ll always have Grace and Grandma. And Victoria.” Adding me to the list reveals he believes I won’t be here come morning.
“What about you?” Angus asks, frowning.
Jude swallows, running a hand through his hair. “I’ll be watching over you every day, but you won’t be able to see me.” I hold back my tears. “I have to go.”
“For how long?”
“For a long time,” Jude signs after a pregnant pause. Angus lowers his eyes, pondering over what Jude just told him.
As he’s processing the fact that this is the last time he’ll ever see his father, Jude slips the silver chain out from under his T-shirt and gently places it over Angus’s head. “I want you to have this, buddy. My mom gave this to me when I was your age. It’s Saint Jude.”
Angus fingers the medallion with care, understanding the importance and significance this gesture holds. Without a lick of fear or uncertainty, he asks, “Is he an angel, too?”
A gasp escapes me while tears sting Jude’s eyes. “You know what I am?” His question is split into two. It’s a desperate plea that Angus shed some light on what he, what we are. But it’s also filled with surprise that Angus knew this entire time.
Angus nods, placing his tiny palm against Jude’s cheek, before removing it to reply. “Yes, Daddy. You’re an angel.” Lifting his blue eyes, he signs. “And Tori is an angel in training.”
I mute a sob behind my hand.
“That’s right.” His voice wavers. He’s trying to keep it together. “You’ll always have two angels watching over you.”
I don’t know if Angus knows the true meaning of his words, but either way, he’s always known that we’ve been something…else. Jude was never a ghost. He’s an angel.
“Know that I love you. So much. Forever.” Jude pulls Angus toward him and crushes him into his chest.
The sight is my undoing, and a stream of tears cascades down my cheeks.
Jude doesn’t let Angus go for minutes, murmuring how much he loves him and to never forget him.
For the first time ever, my decision to stay doesn’t feel so clean cut. If I stay here, I stay with Jude, but if I leave and return to the world I know, there is a possibility I’ll see Angus again. Jude reads my indecision over Angus’s shoulder. If I live, he’ll still be dead. But his legacy is a living reminder of just who Jude was. I pull it together, determined to stay strong.
Jude breaks their embrace, holding back his tears. Angus looks over at me and rubs his watery eyes. Dropping to my knee, I smile. “Thanks for teaching me how to fly a kite.”
“Thanks for being my friend,” he replies without pause.
“Good friends,” I sign, just how he once said to me.
With a smile, he peers down at Jude’s chain, appearing to be deep in thought. A moment later, he slips it off from around his neck. It dangles from his fingers, the medallion like a hypnotizing pendulum swinging from side to side.
Breath evades me as Angus slides the chain over my head. The metal cools my skin the moment it settles between my breasts. Toying with the medallion, I’m speechless to why Angus would give it to me.
He explains a second later. “I already have enough angels looking over me. Now, you have your own angel watching over you.” I draw the medallion to my lips, kissing it with tears.
Can Angus see something that I can’t? Does he see that come morning, the best thing in my life will be snatched from my fingers and lost into thin air?
Hiding my worries, I smile. “I’ll wear it and think of you. I’ll think of you both,” I add, focusing on Jude.
As I hug Angus tighter than I’ve ever hugged him before, a sense of disembodiment comes over me. It’s happening. Another piece of me is lost. “I love you,” I whisper, kissing his hair, cheeks. “Grow strong, and be happy.”
My heart feels broken. I don’t think it’ll ever heal. I’ll never be ready to let Angus go, but as a cold sweat coats my sticky skin, I know I don’t have a choice. Angus kisses my cheek. He wipes away my tears. He is far wiser than his young years. He knows it’s time to let go.
“Bye, Angus.” A sob gets caught in my throat.
But Angus shakes his head, looking at both Jude and me. “It’s not goodbye. It’s good night.”
A laugh coalesced with tears escapes Jude. “You’re right. It is good night. We’ll never say goodbye because you’ll always be in here.” He places a fist over his heart. “No one can ever take that away from me. I love you, my son.”
Angus smiles. “The heart sees what is invisible. I love you too, Daddy.” He runs over to him. This is the last goodbye. Jude bends down and scoops him up into his arms. His hug is near suffocating, but there is no place either would rather be.
I give Jude some privacy to say his farewells as I quietly walk down the stairs and open the front door. The cold breeze is like a punch to the guts, and I wheeze, clutching at my chest. Time is running out for all of us.
With no place to go, I take a seat on the top step, contemplating on where we go from here. I know I’m mere hours away from all of this ending one way or another.
“You’ve decided, haven’t you?”
Jude’s voice from behind me carries the weight of the world. He knows my mind is made up. I don’t bother answering him because it would be a waste of breath.
His footsteps sound around me as he walks down the steps. I’m expecting a lecture, or for him to argue why I need to live. But he doesn’t. He stands in front of me and extends his hand. He doesn’t wipe the tears from his eyes, and I do the same. “Shall we?” Peering up at him from u
nder my lashes, I don’t see a hint of defiance or defeat. He appears relieved.
We walk to his truck in silence, our footsteps the only resonance filling the stillness between us. We’re both lost in the inevitable. For some strange reason, it calms me somewhat that he’s just as anxious as I am.
I don’t question him to where we’re going because as long as I’m with him, I can handle anything fate throws my way.
He looks incredible, but he always does.
“Where are we going?” I finally speak. I don’t bother asking if he’s okay because I know that wound will always weep.
“It’s a surprise,” he replies, his eyes crinkling. I’m thankful to see a half smile.
“Of course, it is.”
A melodic country tune fills the truck as we drive toward destination, unknown. I allow myself to get lost at this moment because it’s one I’ll hope to never forget.
The road becomes more deserted the farther we drive. It also becomes greener and more tranquil, too. Rolling hills surround us on either side, the beauty almost appearing like a painting. About forty minutes in, my nose is practically pressed to the window, unable to take in the elegance fast enough.
When Jude turns onto a gravel road, I sit up taller. “Are we having a picnic?”
“Maybe,” he replies, his voice light. We continue driving into a thick forest, civilization long gone.
When he finally pulls up by a huge oak tree, I unsnap my belt. “Patience was never a virtue of mine,” I reveal when he chuckles. Regardless of our circumstances, I know this will be the last memory I make of this place in this lifetime, so I want to cherish every second.
He switches off the engine, which is my cue to get out and absorb Mother Nature. The moment my feet touch the ground, I’m filled with a sense of freedom, and I kick off my shoes. I dig my toes into the dirt, closing my eyes and feeling the thrum throughout every organ and limb.
When Jude slips his hand into mine, I can’t help but sigh, as I’ve come to crave his touch. He makes me feel alive. “Keep your eyes closed,” he softly instructs, adding to the mystery of where we are. I do as he asks, trusting him completely.
The ground feels divine under my toes, the cool soil refreshing. I lag behind him as he leads us through what I’m assuming is dense bushland as he tells me to duck, weave, and bob a handful of times. The moment I hear running water, I almost take off in a dead sprint.
Jude squeezes my hand, sensing my excitement. “We’re almost there.” I don’t care where “there” is because I know I’ll love it. We walk for about a quarter of a mile before Jude stops.
A small squeak escapes me. “Thank you for taking me here.”
“You don’t even know where you are. You could open your eyes and be confronted with so many different scenarios.” The heaviness hurts my heart.
With our hands still interlocked, I step forward, feeling vulnerable and exposed, but I swallow down my fears because this is what living is about. “It wouldn’t matter because I’m here…with you. Any place where you are is…beautiful.”
Two fingers slip underneath my jaw, and a delicate kiss is placed on my cheek. The hair on my arms stand on end, sending a shiver from head to toe.
“Open your eyes,” Jude whispers, his warm breath like a kiss to my soul.
I take my time, slowly taking in my surroundings as I allow the world around me to sink in. The first thing I notice is the wide river only feet away. Rocks line the edge and lead into the clear water, the perfect steppingstones to stand in the middle of nature. All I’m surrounded with is vegetation. My own personal greenhouse. The hills are enormous, the trees towering, giving us the right amount of privacy and legroom.
“It’s perfect,” I whisper, unable to remember a more seamless sight.
Jude smiles, and with our hands still linked, he leads us over to an aged, weeping tree. He shakes out the red blanket he’s brought along, placing it on the ground.
“Are you hungry?” he asks as I settle on the blanket.
“A little.” He sits down beside me, his signature fragrance making my mouth water.
I watch as he opens the basket, producing every food known to mankind.
I can’t help but laugh. “How long do you plan to be out here for?”
A sadness drapes above him as he pours us some wine. “If I had my way…forever.”
His admission has me thinking about why we’re here. “You’re okay with what I’ve decided?” I don’t see the point in sugarcoating anything because time isn’t on our side.
Jude pulls in his lips and sighs. He looks so tired. Standing, he doesn’t answer my question, but instead, he rests by the river’s edge. He turns his back, his head bowed. “Grace and I used to come fishing out here when we were kids. I wanted to take you someplace nice. Somewhere that means something to me.”
My fingers instinctively seek out the pendant. Feeling it gives me the strength I need.
“I don’t agree with your choice, but I’ll respect your decision. When the time comes, I will allow you to decide.” I celebrate prematurely. “But I ask that you do the same for me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I sit up tall, my pulse beginning to spike.
“It means I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m scared, Tori.”
“I am too.”
But he shakes his head, his shape appearing so broken. “I’m not scared for me. I’m scared for you.”
Standing, I need to close the distance between us because I suddenly feel so alone. “Jude, look at me.”
He hesitates but finally turns. He looks heartbroken. “Grace was the only family I ever had. We used to come here to escape the monotony of our lives. Life was simple back then. It was hard, but it was the only life we knew. But now, I know we live many lives. And I was meant to die in this lifetime to live my life with you. If it was only for a moment, a mere whisper in time, then I want you to know it was worth every second.”
“Why do I feel like you’re saying goodbye?” I speak softly, the earth humming beneath my toes.
“I’m not. I’ll never be able to say goodbye.”
“Good, because you’ll never have to. I choose you, Jude. Wherever that leads at this stage, I don’t care. As long as I’m with you and you love me, the world can fall into place around us. We don’t know what’s going to happen, but let’s face it together.”
He digs his hands into his pockets, his chin pressed to his chest. “I’m a selfish bastard because you’ve just made me the happiest man in the world.” His comment is contradictory to his deflated stance.
But I understand. How can one be happy when they’ve just agreed to potentially watch the one they love commit suicide? By staying here, I’m taking my own life. That fact is true.
“Jude…” I walk toward him. “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” He turns his cheek, his jaw firm. “So if this is the only way…then I accept my fate.”
Acceptance.
How that word appears to be the sole beat I’m marching to.
I unfold his fists from his pockets and loop them through my own. “You once said you couldn’t wait to see me spread my wings and fly. Well, I’ve emerged a butterfly, and it feels good to be free.”
“So it’s our turn to fly?” he asks, untangling from our union to wrap his arms around my middle.
“Yes.” His warmth quietens down the noise.
“See how she flies,” he whispers, drawing me into his chest. “For she is beautiful and free.” I settle into his arms, closing my eyes.
“Tori…”
“Yes,” I reply moments later.
“Promise me… you’ll leave if you have to. If you’re pulled in that direction, or you’re in pain, you’ll go. Promise me,” he presses when I don’t reply.
With arms cocooned around him, I snuggle into his chest, basking in his scent. “I promise.”
His shoulders sag, appeased by my pledge. I, on the other hand, keep my eyes sealed shu
t, beset with guilt because my pointer and middle finger are crossed over tightly, with no intention of keeping a promise I would ever make.
“I’m stuffed full.” I place my hands over my bloated belly. Jude grins, and the sight, as always, takes my breath away.
For the past few hours, we’ve eaten, talked, kissed—repeat.
As each second turned into minutes, I felt myself grow weaker, drifting from this world. The red and oranges are on the verge of piercing the horizon, suggesting what’s looming around the corner. I used to love sunrises, but now, I think I’d rather live my life in the dark.
Jude packs away the remaining items of food, his mind elsewhere; I can see the conflict on his face. This is a disquieting time for both of us. The unknown is what frightens me because we don’t know what we’re dealing with. If we knew what monsters were lurking in the dark, we could come prepared and fight until the end. But we’re going in blind, having faith that our love is stronger than whatever this is.
“Come sit with me.” Jude motions for me as he nestles against the trunk of the tree. He doesn’t have to ask me twice.
I settle into his lap, my back to his front. He draws me backward, his arms enfolded around my waist. We’re both looking into the same star-filled sky, both awaiting the final step. “Are you nervous?”
I shake my head, eyes transfixed on the horizon. “No. My renaissance will be beautiful. And so will yours.” And I believe it will be. The pangs of pain are unremittingly bobbing under the surface, but I’m stronger than they are.
We sit for minutes, lost in our own worlds. Sunrise will be here soon. I can smell it.
Sitting this way with Jude, I can almost forget we’re awaiting the unknown. But life is an adventure. It offers you a second chance —it’s called tomorrow, and come tomorrow, I refuse to regret today.
“You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met, Victoria.” He shatters the silence. “I want you to know that. No one has ever fought for me. I was never someone’s reason to live. Thank you for making me yours.” He kisses my temple, the quiver to his lips shooting a fearful current all the way to my toes.
“Jude…” I attempt to turn around, but he tightens his hold. I’m trapped. The blood whooshes through my ears. My mouth gets dry. “What’s going on? Let m-me go. Sunrise is minutes away.”