by S. Nelson
Based on those facts, my decision should’ve been a no-brainer, but my heart continued to war with my head.
“Do you want my opinion?” she asked, glancing at her phone when an incoming text flashed across the screen. She didn’t open it, however, her attention solely on me.
“Of course. Why do you think I’m squatting on this couch with you?” My smile never reached my eyes.
“I’ve known you forever. The issue you have with your father affects you in more ways than you want to admit, or even acknowledge. And having Sam cheat on you only adds to your distrust in guys.”
Sam was my high school boyfriend of three years who cheated on me with his best friend’s girlfriend, at a party I wasn’t even supposed to be at. Dick.
“You’re too good of a person to be alone, Chels. I love you and I want to see you happy, and I believe Ace can do that for you. You guys would make a great couple. He obviously likes you a lot.”
“How do you know?” I glossed over everything else she said. My father was a sore subject for me. Because of his gambling, we’d been evicted from many places over the years. That tended to happen when someone who’s supposed to pay the rent flushed it away at the casino or at the track.
Before my mom made him leave for good, he’d gotten so far into debt with a dangerous loan shark, he tried to offer me up to the guy as payment. His own fourteen-year-old daughter. He tried to pimp me out to pay off his debt. I found all this out when the extortioner paid my mom and me a visit. Turned out, although he’d probably done some bad shit, he had a conscience. He advised my mom to never let my father near me again because the next guy he offered me up to might not be like him. The very next day, we moved without him.
Riley’s voice pulled me from my unpleasant memories. “Because the way he looks at you says it all, minus today, of course. I know you see it too. You’re just bein’ stubborn and guarded. Besides, Kaden said he’s tired of listening to the guy complain that you’re jerking him around.” Riley scrunched her face. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I want you to know how much Ace is really into you.”
“Oh, God. What?” I held the air in my lungs in preparation for what she was about to say.
“After the big fight you two had, when Ace left with Kaden and Lincoln, he said something to my brother before they got in the truck.” Riley stopped talking, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger.
“Are you gonna tell me what it was?”
All her hesitation was gone when she finally answered. “He said you were nuts.”
“No surprise there.”
“Then right afterward he said he thinks he loves you anyway.”
“No, he didn’t.” My mouth fell open the same time my heart picked up its pace. The muscle pounded so hard I could hear the pulse in my ear.
“That’s what Kaden told me,” she replied, shifting her position on the sofa and moving her leg out from underneath her.
“Well… I don’t think….” I exhaled, a mix of nervousness and disbelief forming some other emotion. “He was drunk. I doubt he remembered he even said it. I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”
“Maybe not, but drunk or sober, you don’t just say something like that unless there are deep feelings behind it.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I tried to make myself believe my own words. “We’re not good together. We push each other’s buttons too easily and fight more than we don’t.” I should’ve put those on the con list. Although, some of our fights have led to some amazing sex. Is that a pro?
“Do you think you argue often because you refuse to let him get too close? Maybe you’re just picking at things to cause a fight.”
I leaned my head back against the top of the couch, regretting drinking the last of the vodka the other night. “Possibly.” A half-committal shrug accompanied my one-word answer.
Riley gently slapped the top of my leg. “Answer me this, then. Can you imagine Ace not being in your life at all?”
“Yeah. I mean… I think so.” My fingers wove into the thickness of my hair, tugging the strands in order to feel the sting of pain I needed to distract from her question. It didn’t work.
“Imagine how you’d feel if he was around and ignored you.”
“Like he did today?”
“Exactly. Now imagine he did that every time. Would that upset you? Knowing you can’t talk to him ever again?”
I lifted my head to look at her. “He didn’t say anything about us not being able to talk ever again. He just said we wouldn’t be foolin’ around.”
“Okay.” She looked toward the ceiling before her eyes swung back to mine. “How would you feel if you saw him with someone else? Knowing they were having sex. Knowing they were possibly developing some kind of relationship.”
“Fuck, Ry.” I grunted, shaking my head before answering. “I’d hate it. I’d want to kill her, then him. But me being jealous shouldn’t be the reason I choose to be with him.”
“You’re right. You should want to be with him because you can’t picture your life without him.” She swiped the screen of her cell and typed out a message. Without removing her focus from the device, she added, “The fact that you haven’t messed with anyone else while you’ve been involved with Ace should tell you something. Just sayin’.” Her fingers worked feverishly to finish her message.
“That Kaden?” I needed a subject change and quick.
“Yeah, he said he’ll be done in a half hour. Wants to know if I need him to come here to help with my things.” Riley had brought some toiletries and a suitcase filled with clothes and shoes, nothing she couldn’t carry by herself. “Do you want me to tell him yes, and to grab Ace to help?” Her slow curving smirk made me want to toss my pillow at her.
“Don’t you dare.”
“Fine.” Riley rolled her eyes. “I’ll tell him I got it. I don’t need his assistance.” Right before she hit Send, she looked back over at me. “Are you sure?”
“I’ll kill you.” My expression flattened, but the more we stared at each other, the more I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.
“Love you,” she sang, rising from the couch and tucking her phone into her back pocket. “Now give me a hug before I go.”
After she left, I plopped back down on the sofa, flicking on the television. But there wasn’t a damn thing on that would distract me enough from worrying about what would happen once I gave Ace my answer.
If I gave in and told him yes, I couldn’t trust he wouldn’t eventually break my heart.
And if I told him no, I truly believed my heart would still be broken.
12
My eyelids fluttered, shoving me from another delicious dream I’d been having about Ace. He’d whispered all sorts of dirty things in my ear, some he’d actually said to me when awake and some he saved for the depths of sleep. The moment he pushed my legs apart was the same moment a noise from outside my window threw me out of my subconscious escape.
Teetering between full cognizance and drifting back into the dream, if I was lucky, I heard the faint rumble of a motorcycle, the engine shutting off a heartbeat later. With my ears pricked, I silently counted, a quick inhale the only sound drifting through the air. When I reached twenty, sufficient time for someone to have knocked on my door, I concluded the sound I heard was my neighbor who lived across the street, who also drove a motorcycle.
Rolling onto my side, I snatched the pillow in front of me and tugged it closer, nestling into a comfy position. My eyes drifted to the alarm clock on my bedside table, blinking twice when I saw it read 4:15.
After Riley had left, I drowned my anxiousness by watching two movies I’d seen countless times. When I couldn’t escape my own thoughts, wondering if Ace was really going to show up here at an ungodly hour, keeping to his twenty-four-hour window, I clicked off the television, took a shower, then hopped into bed. But not even the comfort of my sanctuary could rid me of the nerves wrapping around every cell inside my body because I still hadn’t landed on
a decision concerning Ace.
Could I picture my life without him in it? No.
Did I trust him not to hurt me in some way? No.
Would I be able to control my mouth if I saw him with someone else? Again, no.
Did I believe he really told Linc that he loved me when he was drunk? Not sure. Even if he did, sometimes people say things they didn’t mean while intoxicated. Although sometimes alcohol acted like a truth serum for some. Hell, who was I kidding? The stuff brought out the truth from most people, or at least a version of it.
Knowing I wasn’t gonna fall back asleep right this minute, I kicked off the covers and dangled my legs over the side of my bed. I pushed off the mattress and stood, walking to the window to move the curtain, peering outside to determine if the motorcycle I’d heard was indeed my neighbor. When I saw his Harley in his driveway, I sighed, but the air in my lungs froze when someone knocked on my front door. The sound was muted at first but then became louder the longer I delayed answering.
Grumbling to myself, not even aware of the words my brain concocted, I shuffled my feet out of my room, down the hall and descended the stairs, stopping a foot away from the entrance to my home. I looked down at myself and realized I forgot to throw my robe on. While I wasn’t naked, my thin cami and boy short underwear left nothing to the imagination.
There were two windows at the top of the door, but I was too short to utilize them, and the way the windows in the front of the house were situated, it didn’t allow for me to see who stood directly in front of the entrance.
But it could only be one person. Pressing my ear against the thick wood, I backed away after another rap of knuckles.
“Chelsea. Open the damn door.” While his words sounded slightly deeper in rasp, Ace was definitely the person who’d woken me up.
As soon as I saw him, his eyes pinned mine before raking over me from head to toe, then back again. Even when I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. He rested his hands on either side of the doorframe, the top part of his body leaning into the small space between us. He didn’t look drunk, as I’d initially thought with the sound of his speech. There was no glassiness coating his pupils, but when he pushed past me, I smelled the faint odor of beer.
“Come right in won’t you,” I snapped sarcastically, my attention on the back of him as he moved further into my home. He removed his cut and tossed it on a nearby chair, continuing to face away from me and not saying a word. With the click of the door closing, he craned his neck from side to side, his shoulders rising and falling, all while still facing the back wall.
I appreciated the way his jeans fell low on his hips and loved how his shirt stretched perfectly over his tightly coiled back. My hormones had definitely been driven up a notch.
Ace looked at me from over his shoulder before finally turning around. He licked his lips, cocking his eyebrow afterward, asking me a question without uttering the words out loud. But I wasn’t gonna be the one to dive headfirst into this conversation.
As the silence grew between us, stifling and smothering all thoughts of reason, I trampled the urge to run and jump at him, to wrap my legs tightly around his waist and bruise his mouth with mine. Aware my nipples had hardened since I opened the door, the warmth between my thighs making my inner muscles clench in excitement, I again refused to be the one to make the first move on any front, verbal or physical.
Just when I thought we’d be at a standoff until the sun came up, he took one domineering step toward me, his brows lowering while still immobilizing me in place with those brooding eyes of his.
“Do you have an answer for me?” Nothin’ like cuttin’ right to the chase.
“Um….” I stalled for time, but my hesitation only seemed to irritate him, the clenching of his jaw and the minor flare of his nostrils making my heart pick up its pace.
“I gave you more than twenty-four hours to decide.” Anger cut his every word, but he wasn’t the only one who was upset. I was pissed at myself for not deciding one way or the other, instead settling into the middle ground of limbo, a place I hated to be.
“You gave me thirty-two minutes more.” It was now twenty after four.
“It’s still more.” He took another step toward me but this time I retreated to keep my personal space intact.
“Don’t be a smartass.” I expected him to come back with another asinine comment but instead, his gaze traveled the length of me again, lingering on my mouth before moving to my breasts, then lower still until I felt the heat of his stare on my most intimate place.
“Did you wear that for me?” He never gave me time to answer before he was on me, twisting and turning us until my back was against the wall, his large form holding me prisoner. His warm breath tickled the side of my face as his lips pressed against my ear. “I was hoping you’d be wearin’ your robe again with nothin’ underneath, but this’ll do, too.” His tongue swept over my lobe before his teeth captured the flesh. “What’s it gonna be, Chels?” He grabbed my hand and positioned it over the large bulge in his jeans. “You want access to this any time you want? You want my protection? My loyalty?”
Him switching between sex, protection, and loyalty rattled me because I’d be lying if I said no to any of the things he offered. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear, what I should want without a doubt in my heart, but I couldn’t make my mouth form the word.
One simple fuckin’ word and I couldn’t say it.
Was I scared?
A coward?
Did I want the happily ever after but was too chickenshit to take the risk?
Riley would shout yes to all those questions, but she wasn’t here. She didn’t have to live my life. She didn’t have to live with the unwavering distrust I held deep inside me, a feeling I didn’t believe I’d ever fully get rid of, especially with the man in front of me, no matter how many times he told me how much he cared for me.
“Well, do you?”
He hovered too close, the tip of his tongue peeking out and tracing the fullness of my bottom lip. I couldn’t think straight when he teased me like this. I bet he banked on disorienting me until I gave him the answer he wanted.
Before I could protest to his unfair use of his sexual charisma, his mouth took mine, the invasion of his tongue slicing through any reservation I held. As our kiss intensified, he groaned and pulled me closer, the deep vibration ripping through me until all I could do was be consumed by him. My fingers became tangled in his thick hair, and when he gripped me underneath my ass and pulled me up his body, I instinctually wrapped my legs around him like I’d wanted to do the second he walked in here.
He broke the kiss and looked deep in my eyes. “Is this you sayin’ yes?” I moved to kiss him again, but he pulled back. “Chels.” He shook his head. “Answer me.”
“Why can’t we just continue with what we’re doin’? Why do we have to change anything?”
I saw the moment his eyes clouded over in disbelief and hurt.
He lowered me to my feet and moved back while still remaining close enough for me to witness differing emotions flicker across his face. “Fuck!” he shouted, making me flinch. It was a good thing we were alone right now because his outburst would’ve woken up Riley had she still been staying with me. “You’re tellin’ me no?”
“I’m askin’ why we have to change things between us.”
“You keep skating around the goddamn question, woman.” Ace opened and closed his mouth twice and both times he never said a thing, and just when I thought he was gonna give up and leave my house, he raised his head, an arrogant glint shielding the hurt I’d seen in his eyes seconds ago. “So, you’ll let me continue to fuck you without question, use you like some kind of common whore?”
I opened my mouth on a silent gasp. I couldn’t believe he’d reduced what we had to something so demeaning and worthless. If he wanted to hurt and infuriate me simultaneously, he’d accomplished his goal.
I wanted to scream at him to leave.
I wanted to break down and cry because he’d been so callous with his words.
I wanted to ask him why he wanted to hurt me so much, even though I realized he was only returning the favor.
Instead of doing any of those things, I struck him across the face, the sting of my slap reddening his cheek the moment I dropped my hand to my side.
The condescending expression he’d been wearing turned into shock only to morph into fury.
“Did that make you feel good? Do you wanna do it again?” The impression of my mark darkened. “Do you?” he shouted in my face, his body bristling. He gripped my arms and shook me. Ace would never physically hurt me, not intentionally, at least. I could say this even while he held me tightly, looking like he wanted to strangle me.
“No, I don’t.”
“That’ll be the last time you ever hit me.”
A bout of brazenness rushed through me, shoving all the hurt, anger and indecisiveness to the side. “And what are you gonna do if it happens again?” He remained quiet because he would never strike me, and he knew I was aware of it.
I wasn’t violent. I was mouthy and pushed the boundaries sometimes, but never set out to physically hurt someone, not sober anyway.
But when Ace said what he did, my emotions got the better of me and I reacted.
Ace grabbed his cut and moved around me and toward the door.
“You’ve made you choice, Chelsea. Live with it.”
He slammed the door a second later, leaving me to crumble into a ball on the floor, regretting my decision to push him away but also relieved I’d finally made one.
13
Waking up with a wicked hangover was not how I wanted to start today, but after leaving Chelsea’s house with my ego shattered, all I wanted to do was numb my warring emotions until I passed out. At least, I was able to accomplish one thing I set out to do.
The woman was unbelievable. She’d fucked with my head too many times, and even though I had a hunch she wanted to say yes when I asked for her answer to my ultimatum, she refused to give in. I understood she had trust issues, had told me a few times since we’d gotten together, but how long was she gonna refuse to move forward? Her father was a bastard, and her ex was a shit, but she couldn’t continue to use them as a crutch forever. At some point, a person had to move on, right?