Accepting His Home

by Ember Davis

  Beckett seemed better today when I came in, it probably has something to do with the mischievous sparkle in Troy and Walsh’s eyes. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. I just want to get through this day and hang out at Dex’s BBQ this evening. That man can cook a burger and don’t get me started on the ribs.

  Dex is off today so I bet he’s spending all day cooking; it’ll be delicious. Thank God Olivia helps me when I host our gatherings at my house because I am not a great cook. She helps me in a lot of ways. Fuck, I’m screwed.

  I need the cover of the BBQ so that I can really check on Liv without it being weird. She has seemed kind off the last few days; sad. That’s not like her. She’s put on a brave face and she could have me fooled if I didn’t watch her almost all the time. I’ve seen moments where her mask has slipped. I hate that she’s sad, I want her to be happy. Can I make her happy? I made someone happy before and then I caused their death. Can I risk it?

  Olivia isn’t in the shop today and it’s been killing me. I hate it when I don’t have eyes on her. I just finished up my last client and Beckett paid his out a few minutes ago. Troy and Walsh high tailed it out of the shop not long ago. Once I pay out my client, I search out Beckett because he might be the only one who can help me figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do about Olivia. Not that I plan on admitting how I feel about her, but maybe if I understood this whole Amelia thing it’ll help me.

  I find him at his station, staring down at his sketchpad. He’s usually drawing sure, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him stare at his work like he is right now. I clean up my station and when I look up, Beckett is still gazing down at his sketchpad with longing and reverence in his eyes. What the fuck is going on around here?

  I wheel my stool over to his station and watch him for a moment. He has a small dreamy smile on his face, but his jaw is set with determination.

  “Banks,” he looks up at me blinking like he didn’t even know I was still here. Ouch? “What are you looking at, man?” He grins at me and hands over his sketchpad. My eyebrows shoot up, “Who’s the broad?”

  He fixes me with a scowl, “Broad? Jesus, first Dex said she has gams and now you call her a broad?” He shakes his head. “How old are you people?”

  I shrug, “Well, I mean…,” I sweep my hand up and down his drawing. It’s of a curvy, sexy as fuck pin-up in a tight blue dress covered in sunflowers. Her hair is a curly brown halo; her brown eyes are warm and knowing. It’s not uncommon work in a tattoo shop, not by a long shot. Except for the ball of yarn and some sort of hook that’s tattooed on the pin-up’s bicep. Considering Troy’s flash is full of pin-ups, I’m curious as to why he’s been staring at this one for twenty minutes.

  Beckett heaves a sigh, “That’s Amelia.”

  I let out a low whistle, “You drew her after she left?” I shoot him a smirk, “I bet you’ve drawn her more than once in the last few days, hm?”

  He chuckles, but it’s a sad sound. “You’re not wrong. I can’t get her out of my head.” He nods toward the drawing in my hands, “I drew that the morning she came in with Andrea.”

  I clarify, “Our new shop manager, right?”

  “Yup. Andrea starts Monday.” He sighs, “I drew that before they came in for Andrea’s appointment. I had never seen her before that day, but I sat down that morning and drew this, her.”

  I shake my hand and hand him back the sketchpad. “That’s wild man. Considering all the dark shit I draw, I’m glad none of my drawings have come to life.”

  This time Beckett’s laugh is sincere. “Yeah, no shit.” He looks down at the pin-up one more time and then closes it up. He shakes his head and looks around the shop, but I’m not sure what he’s really looking at. It’s like he’s looking beyond what he sees in front of him. I’m telling you; this week has been odd as shit.

  “Are you sure she’s worth all the worry and stress you’ve been going through this week?” His eyes flash in anger and I hedge, “I wasn’t here, so I don’t really know but she hasn’t responded to your message, she won’t accept your friend requests and she refused to meet up with us on Friday night. How do you know that she’s worth it?”

  “She’s worth it,” his voice is full of steel and it makes me sit up a little straighter. “Look, I fucked up. That’s just what it is. I was a dick to her. There’s no question about that and she didn’t deserve it.”

  I open my mouth, but he cuts me off. “I apologized but that doesn’t mean she has to accept it. Actually, she did accept my apology. That doesn’t mean she owes me anything.” He sighs, “She’s allowed to protect herself.”

  “I don’t understand why she won’t forgive you or at least listen to you,” I say on a shrug. “Were you really that bad?”

  Beckett shrugs, “Maybe, maybe not. Doesn’t matter. Her ex was a dick, from what I’ve been told, and he treated her poorly.” My eyebrows shoot up. “The shit with Bri fucked me up and I haven’t been willing to trust because of it. That’s the reason I was a dick to Amelia, that and the little thing of her being a drawing come to life,” he chuckles. “Amelia didn’t treat me badly because of what her ex did to her. She was sweet and thoughtful. Fuck, she even asked me if she could grab me a coffee or if I had eaten lunch even though I basically only scowled at her. I grunted at her instead of appreciating the gesture for what it was.”

  My brow knits together, “Did she remind you of Bri?” I never met Bri, but I’ve heard about her and nothing has been good, from anyone.

  He shakes his head and chuckles, “Nope. Not at all. She was having a conversation with Troy and then Walsh and because of Bri I immediately went to it being flirty. Maybe it was a little flirty, but not necessarily in a bad way. Not that it should have mattered because I had no right to feel any certain way about it. Still, I heard her laugh when she was first coming in with Andrea and I knew in that instant that she was my girl.”

  I scoff, “You knew just like that?”

  “Yup,” he pops the p and leans back with a smug self-satisfied look on his face. “Just like that.” He fixes me with a pointed look, “Then I saw her and that was it, I was gone. World flipped, all that shit.” His gaze is cutting and assessing, “I could have stepped up in that moment. Instead, I fucked up and let my fear rule me. That’s not how I want to live. I want the girl; I want the future I’m supposed to have with her. Now I just have to make it right with her and that’s what I plan to do.”

  I narrow my eyes at him, “Who would want to live with fear ruling them?”

  Beckett smirks, “I don’t know. It’s no way to live.” He gives me a hard look, “The thing that kept me awake these last five days isn’t the thought of getting my girl because I’m going to do whatever I have to make it up to her. The thoughts that kept me up at night were: what if I didn’t realize how much of an ass I was being because of fear and I let her get away? What if I had let it go and then she goes out and finds someone else? Who would I be then? What magic did I psych myself out of then?”

  My heart stops for a moment because he’s not only talking about himself. He has no fucking idea what he’s talking about though, he has no idea what I did. He wouldn’t want to risk Liv like that if he really knew. Fuck, he wouldn’t ever look at me the same way.

  I shake off the feelings and give him a neutral look, “I hope she forgives you man. I can’t wait to meet her.”

  Beckett shakes his head like he feels sorry for me. “She will, I just need to give her a reason to and earn it.”

  I can’t help but hear his questions repeating in my head. What if I had let it go and then she goes out and finds someone else? Who would I be then? What magic did I psych myself out of then?

  He stands and pats my shoulder. “We all have demons. Mine aren’t hers and I’ll prove to her that hers aren’t mine. It wasn’t right for me to put mine on her.” He sighs, “You shouldn’t do it either.”

  I know my eyes are wide when they snap up to his. My voice is full of denial, fear and venom, “What
the fuck are you talking about?”

  Beckett looks up at the ceiling and takes a deep breath before he meets my gaze again. “Look, Zeke, I really have tried to stay out of it because it’s kind of none of my business.”

  I mutter, “Completely none of your business.”

  He rolls his eyes, “Uh huh. I’ve kept my mouth shut for two years, but not anymore. I’ll say this once and then if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. I’ve seen the way you look at Olivia and I’ve seen the way she looks at you. I get if you’re not ready and you have your reasons for that, but you keep pushing her away while keeping her close and it’s not fair to either of you.” He pins me with a hard look, “It’s especially not fair to her because Olivia is awesome. She deserves to be happy.” He gives me a little shrug and a sad smile, “She won’t wait around forever.”

  “I don’t want her to,” but even I can hear the lie in my voice. I give him a pleading look, “I can’t ever go down that road again.”

  “Okay,” he nods slowly, “then you have to let Olivia go.”

  The thought makes me want to hurl. Is he right? Do I have to let her go?

  He gives me a small smile, “I’m ready to head out, you’re still coming tonight, right?”

  I nod, but I’m not really paying attention as I collect my shit and head out the door, waiting for Beckett to lock up and then heading to our respective cars. He gives me a chin lift as he slides into his car and I think I return it. I sit in my car for a few minutes, thinking about what Beckett said to me and his advice to let Olivia go.

  I know he’s right. I need to do it so that she can be happy. She shouldn’t be waiting around for something that’s never going to happen. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t risk another life. I don’t deserve to and I don’t deserve love.

  Visions of Olivia fill my mind. The way she laughs. The way her sea blue eyes light up when she sees something she likes or when she’s listening to the guys tell her a story. The way she bites her lip when she’s concentrating and the way she focuses so intently when she’s drawing. The way Disney movies are still her favorite. The way she makes everyone who meets her comfortable.

  When I met Olivia I forgot, for a moment, all about my past and for a split second and I could see a beautiful life with Olivia. Is that what Beckett meant when he says that he knew Amelia was his girl? I only had a flash of it before reality crashed back in. I don’t believe that someone’s life, one with so much potential, is worth only four years of penance. I don’t deserve someone as gorgeous and kind as Olivia in my life. I probably don’t even deserve Liv as my friend, all things considered, but I’m a selfish fucking man.

  I scrub my hand down my face. Beckett’s right, it’s not fair for me to put my demons on Olivia, but they’re still my demons. I can’t face them. I won’t fight them; I’m not strong enough and it’s what I deserve for what I did. How do I let her go so she can be happy and keep her in my life? Fuck me, I have no idea.

  Can I picture my life without Liv in it?

  No and I don’t want to.

  I take out my phone and shoot Olivia a text; I don’t have to wait long for a response.

  Zeke: Hey Liv, I’m leaving the shop now, do you need me to pick you up to head to Dex’s house?

  Olivia: Hi! No, I’m good. I’m just heading out to my car now to head over. Thanks, though.

  Zeke: Okay, see you soon.

  Olivia: Yup.

  Well, that’s fucking odd. I always give her a ride to our family gatherings. Since she’s the only one of us that has an apartment, which isn’t far from the shop, she always stays in my guest room. That way she can have some beers and smoke without having to worry about driving the 30-minutes home.

  What the fuck does this mean? She won’t be staying with me? She’s going to head home tonight? She doesn’t want to be alone with me? Did she…meet someone? Fucking hell. My heart is beating out of my chest and my stomach feels like it’s in my throat.

  I have no idea how, but I’m going to fix this thing between us. I may not be able to offer her more than friendship, but I don’t like her pulling away from me. I guess I’m in the same boat as Beckett because I have to make this right. I just wish I had an inkling as to how to go about doing that.

  CHAPTER 4

  OLIVIA

  For the first time since I part of the family at Banks Ink., I’m not looking forward to our family gathering. Well, that’s not entirely true. Walsh texted me earlier and let me in on Operation Get Beckett’s Girl which involves him and Troy kidnapping Amelia and bringing to the BBQ. I want to know how it goes between Amelia and Beckett, but I don’t really want to face Zeke.

  I’ve been all out of sorts this last week. Seeing how determined Beckett has been about making it right with Amelia has made me a little sad. Okay, more than a little. It’s fucking depressing to watch Beckett, a hot as fuck alpha male who has always seemed happy being single, turn into a lovesick fool full of determination. It has made it more striking how little I must mean to Zeke.

  Their fears might not be the same, but they both have history that has made them keep women at a distance. Beckett is aching to have Amelia in his life and so he’s pulling down his own walls and facing his shit and fear head on. Zeke is still just Zeke and I guess I’m not special enough to be the reason for him to break down his walls.

  That’s one of the two explanations I’ve been able to come up with. He doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him. Or I’m just not enough to fight for. Either option is fucking depressing as hell.

  I’ve tried hard this last week to cover my sadness and I think most of the guys are fooled. Troy hasn’t asked me again if I’m okay, so at least there’s that. I’m afraid that Zeke has caught on though. I’ve caught him looking at me like he can see right through me and the flimsy façade I’ve put up. So what if he can? It clearly doesn’t matter enough for anything to change.

  I need to move on because nothing good can come out of me continuing to be infatuated with a man who wants nothing to do with me. That’s why I decide to drive myself to Dex’s BBQ. Zeke doesn’t know it yet, but I won’t be staying at his house tonight either. I’ll have a beer or two and I’ll smoke, but I’ll make sure I’m good to drive home. I can’t spend another night in Zeke’s house wishing that it was mine too.

  In my mission to get over Zeke I started one last painting of him this morning. I’m hoping it’s cathartic and that by the time I finish that I’ll have left all my feelings of love beyond friendship on the canvas with his image. I’m nowhere near done, but I’ve gotten it roughed out and I started in on his eyes. Fuck, his grey eyes are so beautiful.

  Zeke’s eyes are so sad and full of grief and self-recrimination, but they’re still beautiful. Sometimes they’re stormy, full of memories and shame. On a few rare occasions, I’ve seen them shine bright with laughter and even a twinge of joy. It’s far too rare an occurrence, but when I’ve seen that side of him, it’s always been because of me.

  I wonder if that’s what his eyes used to be like before whatever happened that made him so closed off and fearful. I know grief and so I can recognize it in him. I just have no idea who he’s grieving or why it continues to affect his life in such a way. It was fucking hard as hell to grieve my parents, but one of the things that helped lead me through it was the knowledge that they wouldn’t want me to wallow. They would want me to live my life full of love and happiness.

  When I arrive at Dex’s house I see a few cars I recognize, but not Zeke’s. Which isn’t too surprising. He’ll probably park at his house and walk over which is what we usually did when he picks me up for a family gathering. This time he’ll be walking alone. That shouldn’t slice through me, but it does. So does the thought that once I move on, which I need to do for me, then he’ll continue to be walking alone.

  How long will he keep punishing himself? Forever? He deserves so much more than that, but I can’t fight for someone who’s not willing to fight for hims
elf…or for me.

  I trudge up the steps and I seriously consider turning around to head home. The only thing driving me to open the door is to see what happens between Amelia and Beckett. Walsh sent me a text as I was parking that I should get a seat early for the floor show, which tells me they successfully got Amelia to come tonight.

  The romantic in me can’t help but crave knowing what Beckett is going to do. Another part of me is dreading watching Beckett and Amelia knowing the only man I’ve ever loved is close enough to touch…but will never be mine to touch.

  I nod to a few people hanging out in the living room and head toward the kitchen. I might as well get a beer now and prepare myself for putting on a brave face for the next few hours. When I walk through the doorway that separates the dining room and kitchen, I’m met with a hopeful looking Beckett mixing potato salad.

  He shoots me a smile, “Hey Liv, have a good day off?” His eyes look into the dining room behind me and I watch surprise cover his face that Zeke isn’t right behind me.

  Ignoring his surprise, I smile and nod, “Yeah, I spent most of the day painting.” His eyebrows shoot up, yeah, I don’t talk about my painting very much. I motion toward the cooler, “You want a beer?”

  He nods and adds some salt and pepper to the potato salad, “Yeah, thanks.” He gives it another mix before I hand him his beer. “You ever going to show me more of your paintings? They’re amazing Liv.”

  I shrug and watch as he puts the lid on the bowl and then finds a place for it in the fridge. “I don’t know. Painting is something I do just for me, you know?”

  He gives me a knowing smile, “I get that.” He leans against the kitchen island and looks at me with concern. I try and strengthen my walls and my resolve, but I’m pretty sure I fail. “You doing okay, Olivia?”