by Andrew Grey
“Go get some water and go back to bed. I’ll come tuck you in, and we’ll see your daddy in the morning. We get to bring him home, but only if you go back to sleep.” He smiled at her, and she slid off the bed to leave the room.
“Sorry, Mom,” he said, and this time he was sure his mother was crying. “Mom…?”
She sniffed and blew her nose. “I’m a grandma.” Her voice sounded shaky. “And you’re a dad.” She had just voiced one of his worst fears.
“Maybe that’s what scares me,” Chase admitted, and deep in the back of his mind, something snapped. He’d always read that the abused were likely to grow up to be abusers. And he felt that link break in that moment. He was never going to be what his father was.
Chapter 9
NEWTON CLOSED his eyes and gritted his teeth to keep from groaning. He’d been home exactly three hours, and Rosie, Eric, and Chase hovered over him like birds. Rosie insisted on sitting with her back pressed to his belly as though he was going to disappear if she couldn’t touch him. Eric kept asking if he needed anything, and Chase came in every five minutes to check on him.
“Rosie, I’m not going anywhere.” Newton lightly rubbed her back. “Go and play for a while, okay?” He was starting to feel a little boxed in.
Rosie looked to him, biting her lower lip, and then slipped off the sofa. She walked toward the other room like her feet were heavy, turning back to him before leaving the room. Newton figured she’d return to check on him every so often all afternoon.
Newton closed his eyes and did his best to get comfortable, but his foot ached. The pain wasn’t sharp, but it was there, constantly. The meds reduced the intensity but didn’t take it away completely.
“Here’s your pill,” Chase said, handing it to him, along with a glass of water.
“What is it?” Newton asked with a sigh.
“One of the prescriptions,” Chase answered.
Newton waved it away. “No. Vicodin only makes me loopy and plugs me up so I can’t go. Just give me some ibuprofen.” He hated that prescription stuff. A few minutes of pain relief were not worth the awful side effects. Chase gave him an “Are you sure?” look and returned with what he asked for, along with fresh ice to keep the swelling down. Once Newton was comfortable again, he closed his eyes, and as the meds took effect, he slipped off to sleep.
His foot even ached in his dreams, only now it was worse, really bad, and he had a mask on so he could breathe better, but dust coated his mouth and nose. Doctors and nurses tried to help him, but Newton fought them, not understanding anything. He rolled from side to side as people called his name, but he continued fighting. He had to get out of here, get away. He couldn’t go through all that again.
“Newton!”
A sharp voice cut through, and Newton sat up, opening his eyes. He was home in his living room, and the scent of dust was gone. He took a deep breath and relaxed.
“You were there again, weren’t you?” Chase sat next to him.
“Yeah. I had flashbacks the last time I had surgery. I keep thinking I’m not going to come back or that I have no control… or something.”
“Maybe your head is just putting a whole bunch of things together, a sort of flashback soup,” Chase offered.
Newton nodded. It was as good an explanation as any.
“Just relax as best you can. I’m here, and I’ll stand watch over your dreams.” He sat in the chair near the sofa. Of course things didn’t work that way, but Newton liked that Chase was taking a stand for him. Maybe that was all he needed. Newton wasn’t alone this time. He extended his hand, and Chase took it as Newton’s fatigue once again overwhelmed him.
“NIGHT, DADDY,” Rosie said, climbing onto the sofa to kiss him good night.
“Good night, honey. You sleep well, and I’ll see you when you wake up.” Newton hugged her. It was a little awkward, but he’d managed to sit up and wrap his arms around his little girl. Once she climbed down, he gave Eric a hug as well, and then Chase took them both upstairs. Newton lay quietly, wishing he could be up there tucking them in, but Chase seemed to be doing a great job, and a few giggles reached his ears.
When Chase returned, Newton patted the seat next to him. “Thank you for everything. The way you stepped in with them was amazing. They really love you.”
Chase tugged him closer, and Newton leaned against him. “I love them too, and I really love their dad, a whole lot. Like with my entire heart.” He moved closer to Newton, kissing him gently at first, but with increasing passion. “I missed you so much. You scared me half to death.”
“I missed you too, and I love you just as much. I know it’s dumb, but before you, I thought I had all the love that I needed in my life. I was wrong.” Newton returned the kiss, holding Chase tightly, the ache in his foot receding to nothing. It seemed Chase’s affections were stronger than pain meds. Chase was the drug he’d happily become dependent on for the rest of his life.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Chase asked once he sat back up.
“No. I think I want to sit here in the quiet with you and just be.” Newton leaned his head on Chase’s shoulder, soaking in the warmth and closeness of his lover.
He must have dozed off for a while and jerked awake to soft chuckles from Chase, who didn’t seem to mind. “I think I should go up to bed.”
“Okay.” Chase stood and got Newton’s crutches, turned out the lights, and walked with him as Newton made his way up the stairs. He was so happy to see his own bed, it was beyond words. He used the bathroom and washed up, then let Chase help him out of his clothes and with climbing into bed. Newton sighed as warmth and comfort surrounded him, and when Chase joined him, the comfort and heat only increased. Chase darkened the room, and Newton got comfortable but ended up staring at the ceiling.
“I slept too damned much today,” Newton said with a yawn that didn’t portend him falling to sleep.
“All right.” Chase slipped out of bed, locked the door, and climbed back onto the mattress, tugging away the covers. The cool air kissed Newton’s skin, and he hissed slightly. Chase got the oil out of the nightstand and worked it onto his hands. Newton closed his eyes as Chase massaged his chest and shoulders. He breathed deeply, letting the tension slip away.
“You have magic hands,” Newton said softly. “And lips,” he added as Chase kissed his shoulder. “Dang, that feels so good.”
“I hope so,” Chase whispered in his ear, sucking lightly on the lobe. “I want it to.” He kissed Newton again, licking at the base of his neck, Chase’s hands never stopping their ministrations. “I want you to forget about your foot and everything else for just a few minutes. Let the pain go, and concentrate on my hands.” As Chase said that, his hands slid lower, right along Newton’s cock, which instantly took a vivid interest. “Don’t move.”
“Chase….”
“That’s it. Keep your eyes closed and your body still.”
“Can I do this?” Newton slid his hand down Chase’s leg and wrapped his fingers around his shaft, stroking with his hand.
“Yes…,” Chase hissed without stopping. He continued the massage, long slow strokes down Newton’s chest and belly, to his cock, adding desire and need, letting them build so slowly that Newton wanted to scream, but he didn’t dare. “You’re so beautiful, Newton, just like this. And all mine.”
Chase’s hands moved a little faster, his strokes a little more forceful, desire rising at the base of his skull, pressure building in his spine. He didn’t try to stop it, letting the pleasure overwhelm him, soaking him in heat and warmth that increased with each stroke. Newton clamped his eyes closed, letting Chase have him, body and soul. It was the most natural thing in the world.
“I love you, Newton. You’re the center of my world.”
And just like that, Newton could take no more and let go of everything, gasping as Chase kissed him while his body throbbed with sweet abandon.
Newton couldn’t move. Not that he needed to. Chase took care of him, washing,
drying, and then pulling up the covers before climbing in himself.
“Chase, I want to tell you something before I go to sleep.” He didn’t roll over because he was perfectly comfortable. “I don’t want you to leave us… ever. Will you stay?” His fatigue was catching up with him.
“For always?” Chase asked.
“Yes, for always. Be my love and my life.”
“Only if you’ll be mine,” Chase said, and Newton held his hand, kissing the back of it. “Should I draw up a contract?”
Newton snickered and leaned nearer, sealing their covenant with a kiss.
Epilogue
THE WIND blew off the water, and the others around Newton bundled up against the cold as they either milled though the memorial park or rushed under the leafless trees past the depressions that represented where the towers had once stood. Newton wandered around each one and ran his fingers over the letters of his friend Carmello’s name carved in the steel that edged the waterfall pool. When he found Anthony’s name, Newton paused, tracing each letter. Tears ran down his cheeks as he played his message for the last time. Then Newton sent the recording to Chase to give to the museum, and deleted it from his phone. He had removed it from all his other devices before this trip.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Chase asked from next to him, an arm around his shoulders, holding him tightly.
“Yes. I have to do this. I need to say goodbye and put this part of my life behind me to be able to move forward.” Newton shivered as he stared down into the imprint of the North Tower, the water cascading over the edge and along the bottom before disappearing into the final drop in the center. “I know what happened to me will always be part of my life, but it can’t be what defines me.” He turned to Chase. “I have so much in my life that’s good. You, the kids, my job—everything—and this keeps hanging over my head. I have to let it go.” Newton took Chase’s hand and squeezed it hard before taking a step away from the pool. He turned toward the museum and took a deep breath. “Thank you for coming here with me, and when we get back, I have to thank your mom and dad for watching the kids.”
Chase chuckled as a gust of wind cut through his coat. “Mom is so thrilled to be a grandmother. It’s something she didn’t expect. So when we get back, don’t be surprised if Mom has taken them to FAO Schwartz, Bloomingdales, and possibly skating in Rockefeller Center. She was so excited.”
“I love your mom and dad,” Newton said. Chase had called Costas “Dad,” so that was how Newton thought of him.
“They were disappointed we weren’t able to come for Christmas because of the weather. They wanted to celebrate the holidays with us, as well as my making partner.” A huge storm had socked in much of the Midwest, and they couldn’t get out. “I think she’s trying to make up for it all now.”
Newton hoped she didn’t spoil them too much, but with Eric and Rosie both calling them Grandma and Pa-pou, he figured there was some spoiling that was just going to happen. Costas didn’t have children of his own, so these were their only grandchildren. Newton had reveled at the delight in Costas’s eyes when Rosie asked him to teach her something in Greek.
“Are you ready to go?” Chase asked, probably because the wind was fierce and he was just as cold as Newton was.
“Let’s get this over with.” Newton wasn’t sure what he expected from the museum, but what he didn’t expect was the open atrium filled with light around the two tridents that had been part of the building exterior. Chase held his hand as they went deeper past the slurry wall, as well as the twisted piece of steel where the plane had actually hit. He was afraid to close his eyes in case he took a trip back almost eighteen years, and yet part of him was afraid to look. He had seen all of this and lived through it. Things were cleaner now, and in a museum, but he knew what they were and had once been.
“It’s okay. We can go whenever you want,” Chase told him.
“I know.” Newton walked slowly through the exhibits and remnants of the building before entering the display of artifacts. Pieces of plane, the parts of people’s lives. Newton exhaled softly. He was doing okay and was kind of proud of himself… until he turned that corner.
There in front of him was himself. A picture of him outside the partially ruined converted ambulance, covered in dust and dirt, with water bottles in his hands. Newton stilled, staring. He didn’t quite know how to process being confronted with his own image on that first day. No mask, skin and clothes gray, hair chalked with dust.
“Sweetheart,” Chase said, but Newton barely heard him. It was like he was in a fog.
“Excuse me,” a woman said softly, and Newton was gently led away.
He wasn’t sure what was happening, but the lady and Chase led him through a door he hadn’t noticed and into a dimly lit room with large, comfortable chairs.
“Please make yourselves comfortable, and take as much time as you like.” She pressed some water into his hand, and Newton looked down at the bottle, grateful it wasn’t Dasani. People thought bottled water tasted the same, but Newton could never drink that again. It was all he’d had for three months, and the taste took him back instantly.
“Thank you,” Chase said, and Newton nodded a little blankly.
“These rooms are for people like you, the survivors. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. This happens quite a bit here, which is why we have these rooms, so you can have some quiet.”
Newton lifted his gaze and smiled at her. She was probably fifty, with graying hair, warm eyes, and a kind face. “I wasn’t expecting to see that,” he said, finding his voice.
“We understand. Would you like us to remove the picture?” she asked. “We will be happy to. This museum represents something traumatic and terrible, but we want it to cause as little pain and hurt for those who experienced it as possible.”
Newton shook his head. “That is as much a part of what happened as anything else. Please don’t.”
“Damn,” Chase whispered from next to him.
“Would you like a copy of it? I will be happy to have one made and sent to you.” She spoke barely above a whisper.
“Would you?” Newton asked, and turned to Chase. “I think that someday I’d like to be able to talk to the kids about what happened, and they might need to see me and what it looked like.” He certainly wasn’t going to frame it and put it up on the wall.
“Of course. You stay here as long as you like.”
Chase handed her a card and explained the details. Then she exited the room, leaving them alone. “You are the strongest person I have ever met.” Chase sniffed. “I don’t know if I could have done what you just did.”
“I had to.” Newton lifted his gaze from where it had settled on the floor. “I need to heal and confront what happened. Then I can put more of this behind me.” That was his hope, and already he felt better. Newton had been worried about how he was going to react to what he saw, and a few minutes ago, he had seen probably the most difficult image possible and he’d been okay. There was no flashback, only shock, and he could deal with that.
Chase stood, then leaned down and hugged him. “I’m so damn proud of you. Sometimes you really blow me away.” He kissed him, and Newton held him in return, feeling much better, like he could really do this.
The woman returned and gave them information on the picture and when it would be sent. Newton thanked her, and she led them back to the museum, where he and Chase looked at the rest and then made their way out. There was no more drama from that point on.
Newton felt relieved when the bracing wind hit his face. He lifted his gaze upward to the new One World Trade Center, took a deep breath, and let the winter sun shine on his face. “Let’s go,” he said softly. “I need to see the kids and spend some time with you.” He turned around. “That was the past, and it needs to stay there. You, Eric, and Rosie are the future.” Newton pulled Chase to him, kissing him hard right out on the plaza, his love, his life, and his future on display. A metaphorical middle finger to his past.
When he pulled back, they shared a smile, and then he took Chase’s hand, walked to the edge of the plaza, and hailed a taxi, ready for the rest of their lives.
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