by Mercy B
I flung the covers back and slid my feet into the red shoes I’d worn throughout the day. I didn’t give a damn about the pajama pants on my ass or the long johns. I needed to see her, and I couldn’t wait another minute. It was imperative that I told her how I felt and how stupid I was for the shit I’d done to her.
She needed to know that being in her and that baby’s life was all that I wanted. I’d do anything to have the opportunity. Gauge must’ve understood that in this lifetime or any other did we not belong together. This shit was forever.
Gauge
I could feel the bed shift as it was pressured by the weight of something large, something unwelcome. Immediately, my eyes adjusted to the darkness as I reached underneath my pillow and grabbed the box cutter that I kept beneath it in case of an emergency.
This would suffice as one.
My hand gripped it as I pushed the nuzzle up to reveal the blade. Just as I was about to slide it from under the pillow, I felt a pair of hands grip each of my wrists. Panic stricken, I began swarming in the bed. The next thing I noticed was the same weight that had caused the bed to shift was hovering over my nine-month pregnant stomach. My first instinct was to scream, but my mouth was covered before I was able.
And then my assailant leaned in and whispered in my ear, “You going to cut the father of your child?”
I knew that voice from anywhere.
It haunted me in my sleep.
It woke me up nearly each morning.
It lingered in the back of my head.
It stalked me in the shower.
It was always there.
As much as I tried to run from it, it always returned. Tears prickled my eyes immediately. I wanted so badly to hate the man that it belonged to, but I couldn’t. The love that I harbored for him was undeniable. For three months, I’d locked it away. Out of sight, out of mind. But with him in my presence, I folded.
I felt the bed sheets beneath me stain as the pain I’d buried inside leaked from my eyes. It was him. He was here. He had come back.
“G, don’t cry.”
“Sos,” I mumbled. “I hate you.” Or at least I wanted to. I wanted to hate the ground the nigga walked on, but I worshiped it. I felt so stupid and lovesick that I was disgusted with my own self. He continued hovering over me but lowered himself to my neck.
“I know. I know you do. But I’m going to make you love me again. Every piece of me. Every inch of me as I do you. I’ve tried to stay away, G. We ain’t meant to be apart, baby girl. We’ve both got to accept that shit and roll with the punches. I ain’t going nowhere.”
“You said that last time,” I reminded him.
“And I still came back. It took some time, but I came back. Don’t fight with me, G. I just need to be near you. I’ve been feeling out of my element for the last six months, trying to shake back to the Sosa I was before you entered my life, but that shit ain’t happening. You changed a nigga, and I could never go back. I could never act as if something special… something better hadn’t been presented. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Why me?” I questioned. “Why must you play with my heart, Sosa? What have I ever done to you?”
“Showed me what it’s like to be loved. I mean… really loved, and that scared the living shit out of me. I feared it more than death or being locked up in a cage. I can admit that. I’m a coward for my shit, but I will spend every day of my life making it up to you.”
“Sos, I want you to leave.” I shook my head. This wasn’t right. His words weren’t supposed to soothe me in the manner they were. His presence wasn’t supposed to be so comforting. I desperately needed to hate him.
“Nah, G. Let a nigga love on you the way he supposed to been doing. Let me make up for the shit I’ve put you through. Tell me about the baby and your plans for the future. I’m open to whatever but leaving. Cuss me out. Slap the shit out of me. Here.” He removed his hand from my wrist. “Do what you feel is necessary with that. Just don’t kill me. I want to see my baby’s face before I leave this earth.”
“You don’t deserve to, Sos.”
“I don’t deserve a lot of shit, G. You are one of those things, but we’re here. How can I make this up to you?” Sosa tossed his leg over me and took his seat at the edge of the bed. “Just say it, G.”
“I want you to leave.”
“Can’t do that. I’ve been gone long enough as it is.”
“Why’d you come back?”
“To show you that I’m worthy.”
“Sosa, you’re not. You left me alone to do this whole thing on my own. I waited for you to show for months. I begged you to come back to me. I cried night after night when you didn’t come home. I made myself sick the first month, worrying about you. You don’t get to just barge into my home and demand I accept your presence when your presence was all I wanted since the day that I met you.”
“And it is yours for the rest of my life. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
“I don’t believe shit you’re saying!” yelling, I pushed him forward on the bed before getting out myself. I needed to relieve my bladder and get him the fuck out of my face.
“Where you going?”
“To mind my fucking business.”
Sosa
She was the feistiest, and I loved every bit of it. There was just something about seeing Gauge talking her shit that made my dick stand. I watched as she wobbled past me and into the bathroom inside of her bedroom. It took everything in me not to go in behind her. She needed her privacy. But that didn’t stop me from creeping up to the door.
I wished I’d left my nosy ass on the bed after hearing her sniffles as she tried to get herself together. That shit ate away at me, listening to her groan as she questioned why she couldn’t just get over me. She literally asked the Lord to deliver her from me the minute he was available for a deliverance.
“G, I’m sorry, aight?”
“Go away, Sos.”
“Can’t.”
Instead of making the situation worse, I made my way to the guest bedroom, the one I’d instructed Julio to reconstruct to Gauge’s liking. I flipped on the light, and the pink setting nearly blew my dome. We were expecting a baby girl. Her name was spelled out over where I guessed the crib was meant to be. Unfortunately, it sat against the wall in the box.
Everything else was pretty much pieced together, all except for another large box that was on the opposite side of the room. I toured the space, completely in love with everything that Gauge had done.
“Sophia.” I rubbed my hand across the large pink and gold letters attached to the wall.
The name was perfect, and I was certain that she’d be perfect. On the small table beside the rocking chair, there was a picture frame with an ultrasound inside. Immediately, I picked it up and wondered what the hell I was looking at. I never understood what people saw on the damn things, but as I stared at my daughter’s, all I saw was love—love made by her mother and me to create her little life. She’d been baking so long, and although I wasn’t there to watch her grow in the stomach, I would be there every step of the way after she touched down. That was only a few weeks from now.
After my grand tour of my daughter’s room, I peeped in Gauge’s room to see if she’d returned. She hadn’t. I figured she needed a moment, so I put myself to good use. Not the average handyman, I tried to think positively as I opened the crib box and began sitting the pieces to the side. It didn’t matter if I failed. I was going to try. I hadn’t done anything else to prepare for her birth; stressing over a crib was the least I could do.
“Okay. Let’s see.”
With the instructions in my hand, I read them front to back before starting my mission that I’d probably abort before long. Step by step, I followed directions until there was a lovely white crib posted against the wall, falling just beneath the letters that spelled Sophia’s name.
I checked the time on my phone and realized three hours had passed. I didn’t mind. Tupac’s Pandora playl
ist had gotten me through in what seemed like a flash. Still energized and not ready to face Gauge’s wrath, I opened the second box. There was a changing table inside, which seemed as if it would require less time than the crib. I was down with that. Again, I read the instructions from front to back before getting to work.
Gauge
He must’ve been extremely tired, because I found him wrapped up in one of Soph’s blankets and laid across the floor. It was four in the morning when I decided to see what he was doing in my house. I never expected to find him in the nursery with paper scattered over the floor. My heart danced in my chest at the sight of Sophia’s crib being up as well as her changing table. Sosa had made himself useful, and I couldn’t have been more grateful.
I’d spent two hours in the bathroom, praying to God and asking him to deliver me from whatever evil Sosa possessed. As I watched him from afar, I examined his posture and the comfort I noticed on his face. I wondered if he’d been sleeping this well without me all of this time. Because I still had difficult nights, especially with the baby getting so big.
January was upon us, and I was due within the next two weeks. I’d been taking courses and studying up on child birth, and I prayed that everything went according to my birth plan. If not, I’d be lost like a chicken with its head cut off. The pain, I felt as if I’d be able to tolerate. It was the magic in the act itself that would send me into a temporary state of shock.
Some days, I tried imagining how everything would be. Neither of those times was Sosa in the picture. I’d counted him out completely. But I wondered if I’d cry or scream to the top of my lungs. I wondered if I would have a calm birth or something over-the-top dramatic. It was all pretty comical to consider yet saddening at the same time. Brielle, my dearest, would not be there to hold my hand and encourage me to push this little girl out, and that pained my heart. She and I were so great with Sauni and the twins. I knew she’d be just as wonderful with me.
“You ain’t come to end a nigga’s life, did you, G?” Sosa stirred from his sleep, turning over to get more comfortable. I continued watching from the doorway.
“No,” I admitted. “I came to put you to work. My back is cramping, and I need you to massage the kinks out so that I can go to sleep.”
“Do I look like the type of nigga to massage your back?”
“You look like whatever type of nigga I want you to be tonight,” I ended and headed for my bedroom.
Since he’d come in and woke me, I’d been feeling sharp pains in my back. I thought they’d subside after I laid back down, but I was wrong. They got even worse. I could hear Sosa’s footsteps not far behind me as I entered my bedroom.
“Lotion is on the dresser.” I shrugged before kicking off my slippers and lying with my back facing him.
“G, you serious?”
“If you don’t want to get put out in the cold, I suggest you start moving instead of talking.”
“Bet.” Sosa wasn’t interested in leaving. Not at all.
I felt his cold hands on my back seconds later. He was accurate. He wasn’t the type of nigga to give massages, because he was doing a horrible job at it. We were about thirty seconds in, and I knew it would get no better.
“You know what? You’re making it worse.” Lifting up, I pulled my spaghetti straps back over each of my arms. “That’s okay. I’m sure the pain will go away.”
“You sure? You ain’t really give me a chance,” Sosa protested.
“I’m posi—” I froze, feeling a rush of water flow from my vagina. “Sosa!”
“What’s wrong, G?” He sensed my uneasiness but didn’t know where it was stemming from until he felt himself soaked in my fluids. “What the fuck?”
“My water just broke, and it won’t stop going. Oh my God. You have to get me to the hospital.” In utter disbelief, I rose from the bed and began finding something comfortable to put on. I’d packed a hospital bag, but I didn’t want to ruin the pajamas that were inside, so I opted for something that had already been worn before.
“What you want me to do?” I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t.
Sosa was pacing the floor with a large wet spot on the side of his pants. One would think he’d pissed on himself, but it was all me. I’d saved a few items of his just for my own comfort. The loose-fitted sweats and basketball shorts were heavenly for pregnancy.
“Put these on.” I tossed a pair of sweats his way. “And get the hospital bag from Sophia’s room. I’ll handle the rest.”
“You sure?” Sosa was already out of his stained pants and putting on the ones I’d given him.
“Yes. Please get the bag and meet me at the truck.”
I’d upgraded to a Mercedes truck to accommodate Sophia and myself. We’d need more room than my Lexus allowed for us. The truck was spanking new. Just four days ago, I’d went to the dealership and gotten it. I wanted to buy it in cash, but Goldstein warned me against it. He was adamant about me keeping a low profile, so I was stuck paying eight grand a month until it would all be paid off. My payments were less than $400, but I was taking the fastest route to payoff. In about five months, it would be mine to own.
Sosa drove like a bat out of hell, but he got me to the hospital in under twenty minutes, which was fine by me. “She’s having the baby. We need a doctor.”
He was being the most dramatic, and though I was slightly in pain, I wanted to laugh so damned bad. “Sosa, everyone in here is having a baby.”
“So? Fuck them. You’re here now,” he fussed as we made it to the receptionist.
“May I help you?”
“Didn’t you just hear me say she’s having the baby and needs a doctor?” he sassed the young lady who was at the desk.
“Sosa! Forgive him, ma’am. My water broke while I was at home.”
“Oh, wow, okay. James!” she yelled toward the back. “This one’s water broke! We need to get her in the back now!”
“Thank you!” Sosa sighed.
“We’re going to wheel you back.”
The man who I assumed was James came from behind the desk, and he was pushing a wheelchair. He instructed me to sit down and relax. I didn’t understand how he expected me to go through with the final part, but I tried my hardest.
As we rushed through the hallway toward a vacant room, I heard Sosa greeting someone. He was on side of me and never stopped to acknowledge the open hand that was extended toward him.
“Lancer,” he spoke to the man who was stationed outside of the waiting room.
Whoever the guy was, he was dressed in a large blue apron, shoes, and a hat. I’d seen the outfit countless amounts of time, enough to know that he’d just come from surgery with a loved one where a baby was delivered by C-section.
“Law.” The man nodded and continued with the conversation on his cell phone.
Immediately, I remembered to check mine for alerts. I’d informed Sauni, my father, and Destiny that I was in labor. It was so early in the morning, and I was wondering if anyone was even awake. To my surprise, Destiny was the only one who had responded to my text.
I’m on my way, was all she’d written, and that was good enough for me.
I was poked and primed once I made it to a decent room. It surely wasn’t anything fancy, but it would get the job done. Once I was checked, the nurse informed me that I was already nine centimeters and would be pushing soon. My daughter was on the way, and so was my doctor.
“I’m going to keep a close eye on you. If you feel too much pressure and have the urge to push, then buzz me so that I can see what’s going on. You hear?”
She didn’t have to exit the room. I had the urge to push just as she mentioned it. Before I could respond, my doctor came pushing through the door. She’d had her own baby a few months prior and had been back to work as if she hadn’t created an entire life. She was goals, for real.
“Ms. Morrison, how are you feeling?” She began putting on gloves and suiting up.
“Like I’m ready to push,” I confessed.
“She was near the last time I checked her. It may be time.” The nurse nodded. “I’ve already gotten everything prepped.”
“Good looking. My team is just outside of the door. Let them know I’m ready.”
My doctor peeked between my legs before looking back at the nurse. “She’s ready too.”
I’d forgotten that Sosa was in the room. He was quiet as a mouse as the room filled with medical staff. After they’d all crowded in, the next face I saw was Destiny’s. She came running through the door as if she’d missed something.
“Thank God.” As she walked further into the room, I could see the perplexity on Sosa’s face.
“Everything is fine,” I warned him, finally feeling the pressure of the contractions I’d mistaken for back pain all along.
At the sound of my voice and my assurance, Sosa visibly relaxed. “Okay. I want you to give me a long push on the count of three, and we’re going to hold it until the count of ten. I want you to push your chin toward your chest and try to put all the pressure in your lower area as you bare down, alright?”
“Yes.”
“Are you in pain?”
“Yes, but not as much as I thought I’d be.”
“Good. I can see baby’s head, so on the count of three. 1… 2… 3… Push!”
Sosa rushed to my side and began caressing my fingers as he watched from above. My mom was on the other side of me, coaching me through the many rounds of pushing as exhaustion wore me down. I wasn’t sure how many times I pushed nor how many times I’d wanted to just give in. It only took one tiny cry for me to know that it was all worth it. She had made her debut. Sophia Rouge Morrison was with us now.
As she was placed on my chest, I began to feel weakened. Her warmth was so delightful on my chest as I stared up at her father while he stared down at us both and rubbed her back over and over.
“It’s okay, momma,” he tried soothing her, but she wasn’t having it. Sophia had a nice set of lungs on her.