‘Leo, don’t do this!’ I pushed him away. I couldn’t tell him that my relationship with Julius was strictly platonic. If he knew about the arrangement, he would try to prevent our engagement. It would ruin everything.
He pulled me to him. ‘You can’t do this, Nightingale.’ His breath stirred the loose hairs curling around the back of my neck and face. ‘I’m yours and you’re mine. You told me we were meant to be together.’
My heart clenched. He was as close to despair as I was. Tears filled my eyes, and my voice broke with emotion. ‘There are things out of our control, Leo. This is one of them, but it doesn’t mean that my feelings for you have changed.’
‘Then I can’t let you do this. Surely you won’t go through with it, just to please my father.’
‘I’ve made my choice. Being aligned with the right people is beneficial for all of us right now.’ I pulled away, wiping the tears from my cheeks and looking into his face, willing him to understand.
He swore under his breath and turned away, but then he was back, gathering me in his arms and kissing me hard. I held him tight and kissed him as if it was the last time we would ever be like this. In my heart I knew it had to be for now.
‘I love you and you love me,’ he murmured at last as we broke off the kiss. I just stared into the rich depths of those expressive brown eyes.
‘Yes, but now I have to say goodbye.’ I stepped out of his embrace and walked out of the barn without looking back. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.
I made my way to the kitchen to see Frau Kraus. I had to do something – stir soup, chop onions, peel potatoes – or I’d go crazy with everything going round and round in my head.
She could see how upset I was and handed me a bowl of dough. ‘Knead,’ she said.
Pounding and working the dough helped me work out my frustrations and calm down. ‘I’m getting married to Julius Siebenborn,’ I said when the dough was done. I put it near the warm stove to rise.
‘Are you now?’ said Frau Kraus, sniffing the contents of the huge pot on the stove. ‘I know that Georg is doing everything to keep you at arm’s length from the dangers faced by the family but is this what you want?’
I sank into the chair at the table. ‘All I want is to help them.’
She grunted. ‘Julius has money, power and influence.’ She looked at me shrewdly as she threw the chopped up vegetables into the pot. ‘I suppose Leo’s not happy about it.’
My shoulders slumped. ‘No, but it’s not his decision. It’s mine.’
‘That’s right. It’s yours. Men think they own us, but they don’t.’ She smiled and patted me on the shoulder. ‘We all do things we wouldn’t normally do in times like these and, sometimes, despite our best intentions, we even enjoy them. But we should never allow it to change who we are and never forget why we’re doing them. That’s how we retain our power.’ I frowned. There was no doubt that I enjoyed Julius’s company and there were elements of my life with him that I unexpectedly appreciated – the champagne, the fine clothes and soirees – and times when the guilt rose like a serpent and I had to remind myself that there was a purpose to my life with him. The conflict within me was becoming harder to ignore. ‘You get what you want out of Julius because I guarantee he thinks you’ll do whatever he wants you to do. One of these days the war will be over and things will improve. Just you wait and see.’
I got up and kissed her on the cheek. ‘You always know what to say to make me feel better.’
‘Do I, schatz?’ She looked surprised, but flushed with pleasure.
* * *
Julius and I met at the Hotel Kaiserhof for coffee and cake in between my shifts at the hospital. Most tables were full, and although we had a table in the corner, it was still noisy.
‘It was inexcusable making you tell Georg on your own, but it couldn’t be helped,’ he said apologetically. He looked pale and drawn, as if he’d had little sleep. ‘It’s crazy on the Eastern Front with the latest offensive, and keeping the trains on schedule with the extra troop movements, and some of the lines damaged, is a nightmare. At least Georg and Elya took the news well. I told you it would be fine. In fact Georg telephoned me last night and gave me his blessing.’
‘It was difficult, Julius,’ I said, trembling at the memory of Leo’s reaction and trying to hold onto my composure. ‘It’s not something I should’ve had to do alone.’
‘Let me make it up to you.’ He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small box. ‘Open it.’ He looked hopeful, his anticipation betrayed by the slight tapping of his fingers.
I opened the lid, and gaped. ‘It… it’s gorgeous,’ I said, staring at the engagement ring. It was magnificent: a platinum band set with a large glittering centrepiece diamond, flanked by two smaller, baguette-cut diamonds on either side.
‘Try it on,’ said Julius, smiling. ‘I want to make sure it fits.’ I felt overwhelmed by the extravagance and the expense but remembered Frau Kraus’s words about doing what was necessary to get what I wanted.
He lifted it out of the box and, even in the dull afternoon light, it sparkled brilliantly. He took my hand and slipped it on my finger. For better or worse, my fate was now tied with Julius’s.
I turned my hand to view the ring from different angles but I didn’t know what to say. I felt like all eyes were upon us and the weight was oppressive.
He reached across and kissed my hand. ‘Hedy’s booked a day of pampering at the salon so you’ll look your best for the gala. I have a new gown for you to wear, but it’s a surprise. It’ll be delivered to you in time for you to dress.’
‘Julius, you didn’t have to.’
He stood and pulled me to my feet. ‘I want this to be the most glorious night of your life. Everyone will tell me that I’m the luckiest man alive to have you on my arm.’
I wrapped my arms around him, his warmth and strength giving me the comfort and reassurance I needed. I reached up to kiss him on the mouth for the benefit of all the prying eyes and I heard applause break out around us. This wasn’t a private moment after all. We were making a public statement, proclaiming that we were now betrothed.
9
‘You did what?’
Marika stared at the ring on my finger. She’d come to stay with me at the Adlon Hotel where Julius had booked me a room while I was in Berlin for the gala. It was just as famous as the Kaiserhof and only a few blocks away, but, more importantly, it was the centre of the social hub of Berlin.
I nodded sheepishly. ‘It’s true.’ She took hold of my hand and inspected the ring, her eyes wide at the size of the diamond.
‘And you didn’t think to tell me.’ She dropped to the bed aghast.
‘I know, I’m sorry. It all happened so fast. Before I knew it really,’ I said lamely, sitting beside her. I hung my head in shame. But there was no way I could have told her before. It was too complicated.
‘I should have guessed, I suppose,’ she mused. ‘The extravagant gifts, the clothes and that car…’ She fixed me with those scrutinising green eyes. ‘What about Leo? I thought he was the love of your life.’
‘He is,’ I said softly.
Marika shook her head, exasperated. ‘I don’t understand.’ How could she when I couldn’t tell her that I was doing this to ensure Tante Elya and Leo’s safety, to keep them out of the camps? She didn’t know about the conditions the Soviet prisoners were subjected to in Sachsenhausen, the experiments. The Nazis kept this dark underbelly of their operations well hidden from the German people.
‘I don’t expect you to.’ I sighed. ‘It’s hard to explain.’ I didn’t know whether to scream or hide my head in my hands and cry. ‘Onkel Georg wants me married to someone who can protect me.’
She jumped up from the bed. ‘But Julius? It’s one thing to have a little romance with him, quite another to marry him. Besides, like you’d go and accept your fate just like that, married off to someone you don’t love. He didn’t even come to Gut Birkenhof with you to anno
unce your engagement.’ Marika wasn’t buying my story – she knew me too well – but I had to try to convince her.
‘Please just be happy for me.’
‘Of course.’ She frowned and sat next to me, taking my hand in hers. ‘I just never expected this… but if you’re happy I’d better congratulate you.’ I noticed the look of concern cross her face before she smiled broadly and embraced me. ‘You can always count on me,’ she whispered into my hair, and I nodded and squeezed her tight.
* * *
The gala was held at the Hotel Kaiserhof. The foyer thronged with well-dressed men and women and I wondered how I was ever going to find Julius. But I needn’t have worried. He was waiting for me by the entrance looking dashing in a well-cut evening suit.
‘You’re breathtaking,’ he whispered into my ear as he took my arm. My hair was curled and twisted up off my nape, accentuating my long neck, and the floor-length, long-sleeved gown in slinky white satin, although demurely cut, showed off my slim silhouette. The large diamond on my finger was hard to miss, sparkling in the light.
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘I enjoyed today and I love the gown.’ The day of pampering had been everything I could possibly have wanted to look and feel beautiful for the gala.
‘You look perfect,’ he said, smiling.
We made our way into the ballroom and I scanned the room as we waited to be shown to our table. It was hard to miss the displays of Nazi power everywhere in the city, banners hanging in the streets and in public buildings, but I’d never seen anything like this. The massive swastika banners draped against the magnificent, classical arches and columns were juxtaposed against the luxurious furnishings, but the grand, imperial space perfectly reflected the designs of the Nazi Party. The message was clear: this was Germany’s new royalty, a new order in an ever-expanding empire that was determined to remain in the hearts and minds of all people for many years to come, much like the ancient Romans.
Men in various military dress uniforms stood tall and proud, outshining those in civilian evening dress, but not Julius. Most men here were leaders within the party, men with the power of life and death, and knowing what I already did about the decisions they made with such impunity regarding the lives of ordinary people, causing misery to thousands, I could only turn away in disgust. Instead I gave my attention to the ladies, all dressed in the finest evening wear, and I was thankful for Julius’s choice of gown for me.
‘Julius.’ A balding, portly man walking past stopped next to us.
‘Herr Direktor, I see you’ve made it.’
‘Yes, the meeting with the minister went late, but we got here.’ He glanced across to me and I could see the look of appreciation on his face. ‘Are you going to introduce this enchanting creature on your arm? She looks like an angel.’
‘Herr Direktor, this is my fiancée Fräulein Susanna Göttmann.’
‘Lovely to meet you, Fräulein,’ said the direktor, smiling benevolently. ‘I’ve heard so much about you. Congratulations to you both.’ He slapped Julius on the back. ‘It’s about time you had a wife to keep you respectable, especially if you want to rise further in the ministry. You’re a lucky man with someone so beautiful.’ My smile remained, but I was angry at being considered nothing more than a pretty yet required accessory. ‘I’ll send my wife to meet you, my dear. But first I’ll find my table. I need a drink,’ he said before disappearing back into the crowd.
‘Charming man,’ I murmured.
‘He’s important, Susie, as are most of the men in this room. Men like him were raised in a world where women have little say in anything outside the home.’ He grinned. ‘They wouldn’t know what to make of modern women like you.’
‘I’ll be good tonight then,’ I said quietly.
Julius introduced me to his associates and I expected to meet more men like the direktor, but most were courteous, especially those who worked with Julius, even taking an interest in my university studies and nursing work. I found the Minister of Transport, Herr Dorpmüller, to be a man like Julius, an engineer dedicated to keeping Germany’s transportation system running efficiently. And I was pleased to finally meet Ganzenmüller, the influential man Julius worked closely with and admired. Later in the evening, I noticed them drinking cognac and in deep conversation. Julius was becoming known in the upper circles of the Reich and powerful associates like Ganzenmüller were what we needed to protect Tante Elya and Leo.
The night passed with many congratulations and small talk, mainly with the women about fashion, luxuries that were difficult to obtain and proud stories of sons on the battlefront told by terrified mothers. Once it became known that I had been studying at university, there was even talk of art, philosophy, history and languages. There were those who espoused that my place was at home, but I quickly put them straight, explaining that I was now a nurse working at a military hospital, helping the war effort, and that gained me a degree of grudging respect. It made me angry, being judged by such hypocrites, many who carried the staunch belief that they were untouchable. But the continuous inconsequential conversation dulled my sense of outrage to a slow and drawn-out exasperation and soon the faces merged into each other and I couldn’t remember all the names.
As we said our goodbyes at the end of the night, I noticed Julius with a woman across the room, her mouth close to his ear and her hand on his arm in a rather possessive manner. I turned to wish goodnight to the couple sitting at our table and when I looked back, she was gone.
‘I want to talk to you about something I found out tonight,’ said Julius, as we made our way out of the ballroom. ‘But not here. Come upstairs to my suite where I can tell you in private. It’s about Elya.’
My heart began to race. ‘Is she in danger?’ I whispered.
He shook his head. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll explain more when we go up.’ He smiled reassuringly as he guided me towards the stairs that led to the upper floors of the hotel. ‘Did you enjoy the gala tonight?’ he asked, making conversation as we made our way.
I was grateful for the distraction. ‘It was quite a night,’ I said. Truth be told, I was feeling exhausted and a little light-headed. I wasn’t sure how many glasses of champagne I’d had – first to get through the nervousness, then to wet my dry throat from so much talking, and finally to numb the boredom and my simmering anger at the meaningless chatter that occupied so many present.
‘You made quite an impression,’ he said. ‘You were sparkling.’ We were walking along the corridor to the rooms and it was blissfully quiet compared to the ballroom.
I looked up at him. ‘Was I really? Did I make you proud?’
His eyes went wide with surprise. ‘Of course. You’re an incredible young woman. The men you met tonight won’t forget you or your accomplishments. Most will want to do anything to keep you smiling and happy. We’ll meet the important ones again at the opera and ballet, at dinner, and we’ll remind them how as a couple we embody the essence of German ideals.’
I nodded, feeling the heat rise to my face. I couldn’t believe I had that effect. It was a lot to take in. ‘Who were you talking to before we left?’ I asked lightly.
He shrugged. ‘I don’t remember. I spoke to a lot of people tonight.’
‘The woman,’ I said pointedly. ‘The very attractive brunette.’
‘Oh, Collette.’ He waved a hand dismissively. ‘She’s an old friend. I haven’t seen her in years.’
‘Really? It seemed that she knew you quite well.’
‘You’re not jealous, are you?’ he asked, grinning.
‘I know I have no right to be… but maybe a little,’ I said, too embarrassed to look at him. He had a reputation, but I’d seen no evidence of other women since we’d started our courtship. ‘Is there anyone else, Julius?’
He stopped and took my hands in his. ‘That part of my life is long over,’ he said. ‘I have you now.’ We stood very close and I wondered what it might be like to be properly kissed by him.
‘What do you get out
of this engagement?’ I whispered feeling flustered.
‘You,’ he said, his hand at my back steering me to his door. ‘You’re intelligent, eloquent, accomplished and beautiful.’ I didn’t know what to say to that. He unlocked the door and escorted me into the suite.
The sitting room was luxuriously appointed and comfortable, a far cry from the nurses’ quarters at Beelitz.
‘Relax while I get us some champagne,’ he said gesturing to the lounge upholstered in expensive silk brocade.
‘I don’t really need any more,’ I said as I sank gratefully against the plump cushions, glad to be taking the weight off my feet.
‘Just a small glass,’ said Julius, taking the bottle out of the ice bucket on the table beside us and popping the cork. ‘We haven’t celebrated our engagement and it’s been such a successful evening.’
‘A small one then,’ I said, watching him pour two glasses but wanting nothing more than to shut my eyes for a minute or two.
He handed me a glass and sat beside me. ‘To us,’ he said, touching his glass against mine.
‘To us and our successful endeavour,’ I said, smiling. I took a sip. ‘There were lots of congratulations tonight, so I think our ruse is working.’
‘You were perfect. I told you that you didn’t have to worry. Everyone’s happy for us. They love you and gladly welcome you into our midst with open arms.’
I nodded, not sure that I wanted to be a part of the Nazi social elite. It meant that I was one of them, with the same warped values and attitudes. It felt wrong in all sorts of ways. I took a large swallow of the champagne. But I had to remember why I was doing this. ‘What’s happened with Tante Elya?’ I asked anxiously. ‘I saw you talking to Ganzenmüller for some time. Is everything all right?’
He nodded. ‘It is now. I found out today that Elya’s been reported for using the black market.’
I froze. Someone had betrayed not just her, but Leo too, if only by implication.
Letters from Berlin Page 13