‘You look beautiful,’ he whispered into my ear as he handed me a glass of champagne. ‘I’ve missed you.’ He’d been trying hard to appease me with thoughtful gifts and kind gestures and I was wearing a fine woollen gown that he’d given me. Although it clung to my figure, it was very elegant and I was aware of the appreciative glances of various men in the crowded room.
Many of Julius’s associates and their wives or girlfriends were present, faces I recognised from previous meetings, and small talk about Christmas distracted me from worrying if I’d have the opportunity to hear anything worthwhile to take back to Leo. The men had gravitated to each other, leaving the women together who gossiped about the latest round of seasonal parties. I couldn’t believe how they could talk about such inconsequential matters when our cities were being bombed and our soldiers were at war. Boys from the Hitler Youth, some as young as twelve or fourteen, were working as flak helpers, manning the anti-aircraft batteries across the city. Some had even joined our men on the front lines. How many hundreds of thousands of soldiers had died on the battlefields and how many innocent Jewish people had perished because of the Reich? I couldn’t wait to take my seat in the darkened concert hall so I could relax the smile plastered to my face.
Miraculously the grand opera house had avoided damage in the recent air raids, but it had taken hits earlier in the war although repairs had returned it to its former glory. As Julius and I were shown through the double doors to our seats on the second level of the curved dress circle, I marvelled at the ornate beauty and opulence of the interior with its domed ceiling and spectacular crystal chandelier suspended from the centre. There was no mistaking where the Nazi elite sat when they attended the opera: a spacious balcony embellished with a large banner emblazoned with a swastika was just in my line of sight below us. I shuddered with disgust, feeling grateful that I didn’t have to make conversation with those men tonight.
Then I was transported to another world, ancient Egypt in fact, with the sublime music and the glorious voices of Aida and Radamès. I’d never seen Aida before and was captivated by the performance immediately.
I cast a furtive glance at Julius as the lovers sang. He looked as enthralled as I did, but he’d seen my gaze and leaned across, whispering in my ear, ‘Do you like it?’
‘It’s wonderful,’ I whispered back. He smiled, genuinely pleased, and took my hand, interlocking his fingers with mine.
Suddenly the music was rent by the blaring sounds of the air-raid siren.
‘Come, we have to go,’ said Julius over the noise of voices pitched high with anxiety and bodies shifting en masse from their seats, everybody moving quickly to the doors of the hall. He grasped my hand and held tight. ‘Don’t let go.’ I nodded and followed close behind in the dim light. The press of people around us began to swell. I was more frightened of falling and being trampled than being bombed.
We were led by the air-raid wardens down to the shelter. I was surprised to find members of the orchestra and some of the singers wedged into the room with us.
‘All right?’ asked Julius in an undertone.
‘I’m fine,’ I said, my nostrils flaring as I adjusted to the slightly dank smell of the basement. Not even the perfume many were wearing could mask the odour of so many bodies in such a confined space. A low murmur of voices punctuated the silence as people began talking quietly. We’d all been through this enough times now for it to be second nature, but it didn’t stop my heart hammering in my chest, wondering if we’d be hit this time. I listened hard for the tell-tale sound of deep engines throbbing over our city and the bone-jarring explosions in their wake, but I couldn’t hear anything yet.
The bunker was crammed with patrons, Nazis, performers, musicians and staff. The seating was taken mostly by women, more than a few who had surreptitiously removed shoes not designed for long hours of standing. Julius fell into conversation with some other government officials and it was the perfect opportunity to listen to the conversations around me.
‘Have you heard that the Soviets have taken back Kiev?’ said one woman, diamonds dripping from jewellery adorning her leathery neck and fleshy forearms. I knew already – Tante Elya had celebrated the victory with a bottle of vodka she’d kept for just the occasion.
‘Our troops are being pushed back towards the pre-war Polish–Russian border,’ murmured a man with a military badge on his lapel in conversation with Julius. ‘We’re losing ground we can’t afford to lose, not with our losses in North Africa and the Allies trying to get a foothold in Italy.’
‘Don’t worry, my dear,’ said an ageing gentleman with a Nazi armband, patting the woman’s arm in reassurance. ‘We’ll win this war.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ asked her friend, eager to be involved in the conversation.
The Nazi leaned in towards the women, his arms around both of them. ‘We have a secret weapon,’ he said in a low voice.
‘What?’ whispered the friend, moving closer to the ageing official, her eyes wide with anticipation. He moved his hand lower down her back and over her rounded behind, and I grimaced.
‘We’re building the most powerful airplanes in the world,’ he said. ‘Soon we’ll blow the Allies out of the sky and we’ll be untouchable.’
The women laughed, playfully slapping his arm and chest in congratulations. He looked very pleased with himself indeed.
The military officer speaking to Julius moved closer, lowering his voice. ‘We’re about to move production of the engines south-east to Zittau and out of the Allies bombing range,’ he murmured. ‘That old fool thinks they’re ready to go, but it will be months before we have enough built and the jet engines tested in the Messerschmitt Me262 before they can be delivered to the Luftwaffe.’
My spine tingled with excitement. This sounded like something that could be useful. I couldn’t believe my luck. I wondered if all Nazis were so arrogant that they thought they could talk in public places about military and government movements. Suddenly the muffled drone of airplanes overhead filled the air and conversations stopped as everyone listened for the whistling of falling bombs and the explosions that would follow. But this time the engines faded into the distance. We were spared. With the air raid over we were allowed to re-enter the concert hall. Aida and the Egyptian princess returned to the stage and continued as though nothing had happened, and soon I was swept away by the intensity of the music and the dramatic storyline. All my emotion was invested in Aida and Radamès. I blinked away tears as I watched the star-crossed lovers being pulled apart and foiled at every turn. It was as if I was watching Leo and me. I caught myself holding my breath as I willed them to be together with every fibre of my being.
As we applauded the singers and made ready to leave the hall, I wondered with a hollow feeling whether Leo and I were destined only to find each other in death. My maudlin thoughts were interrupted by someone calling my name.
‘Fräulein Göttmann!’ People were milling about in the foyer, waiting for those collecting coats and scarves from the cloak room. I turned in the direction of the voice and froze.
‘Kreisleiter Mueller,’ I said as genially as I could while looking around for Julius. He was deep in conversation with Ganzenmüller and another acquaintance, Ernst von Glaubrecht, who I’d met that evening. There was no escaping the fat, balding man making his way towards me through the crowd.
‘My dear Susanna,’ he said, ‘how lovely to see you.’ He grasped my hand and brought it to his lips. ‘Have you come with Georg?’
‘No,’ I said, trying to remove my hand, but he held it fast.
He looked me up and down. ‘It looks like you need some company. It’s not seemly for a young woman to be alone in public.’ He raised an eyebrow in speculation. ‘Can I escort you home?’ He slid his free hand around my waist and began to propel me forward.
‘No, thank you. I’m here with someone.’ I looked for Julius again, and found him searching the foyer for me. We made eye contact and when he saw who was wi
th me, he pushed his way through the throng to my side.
‘I’ll have you remove your hands from her,’ said Julius mildly, but his face was explosive.
‘What?’ Mueller rose to his full height and puffed his chest out like a rooster. ‘How dare you speak to me like that. Do you know who I am?’ He looked Julius up and down as though assessing the threat to his prize.
The press of people exiting the theatre slowed and stopped around us, watching salaciously as the drama unfolded.
‘I’ve met you before, Herr Mueller, at Susanna’s nineteenth birthday, and I’ll say it again – take your hands off her.’
I sucked in my breath. Julius hadn’t used Mueller’s official title as the County Leader of Berlin, which was disrespectful, as his Nazi Party rank was higher than Julius’s.
Mueller peered up at him. ‘I remember you… Julius Siebenborn. You’re a family friend of Georg Hecker.’
‘That’s right,’ said Julius. ‘And Susanna and I are betrothed.’
Mueller looked stunned.
‘Yes, we’re engaged to be married,’ I said, smiling sweetly. I held up my hand to show him my engagement ring and prove Julius’s claim.
‘Congratulations to you both,’ he said stiffly as he let go of me and stepped away.
Julius put his arm round me and pulled me into his side. ‘Stay away from her,’ he said. ‘As I’ve told you before, she’s way above your station.’
The old man could barely contain his humiliation. ‘You smug little upstart,’ he hissed close to Julius’s ear. ‘You’ll regret you ever crossed paths with me.’ Then he took his leave.
Julius swept me out of the foyer and into the street. ‘We won’t need to worry about him anymore,’ he said as we walked the few blocks along Unter den Linden to the Hotel Adlon.
‘You don’t think he’ll cause us more trouble? You didn’t have to goad him like that,’ I said.
‘What can he do now?’ he asked, waving a hand in dismissal. ‘I’ve already ensured he can’t hurt Elya and I can protect you.’
I nodded and breathed a sigh of relief.
‘But I know I’m the luckiest man.’ He stopped on the footpath and drew me to him. ‘You’ve agreed to give me a second chance. You’re everything I want.’ He dipped his head and kissed me.
My car was parked at the Adlon, and I entered the spectacular lobby on Julius’s arm, marvelling once again at the large, square marble columns and the curved arches that followed the lines of the vaulted ceilings. The hotel was lavishly decorated in the French style of Louis XVI and it felt like we’d stepped back in time to a more genteel although extravagant era, far from the bombings of Berlin, far from war.
‘It’s such a beautiful hotel,’ I murmured. ‘How is your new suite?’
‘It’s beautiful,’ said Julius. ‘Would you like to come up?’ Then he frowned in concern. ‘Only if you’d like to, of course,’ he said quickly.
‘Just for a drink, then I have to go back to Beelitz.’ I didn’t want him to think that he could take me or my acquiescence for granted.
He nodded. ‘Of course. I’ll never presume again.’
Julius’s sitting room was similarly styled to the hotel foyer. The lounge suite, complete with winged chairs, was a rich walnut, the backs and legs of the chairs carved with ornate designs and covered in a pastel green jacquard fabric. Double doors covered in heavy curtains led out to a balcony that looked out over the Brandenburg Gate, now hidden in the darkness of the city’s blackout restrictions.
‘What would you like to drink?’ asked Julius as I sat on the plush lounge. ‘A little digestif or liqueur?’ He searched through bottles in the liquor cabinet, lifting one up, and then another.
‘What will you have?’ I asked.
‘Cognac,’ he said, ‘but I have champagne too.’ I almost smiled at how eager he was to please me.
‘I’ll have cognac,’ I said.
‘Are you sure? It’s not a drink that women usually enjoy.’
I lifted my eyebrows at him. ‘Let me try it.’
He poured and handed me a crystal glass filled with amber liquid.
I took a big gulp of the cognac and spluttered as I inhaled the fumes as well as the potent liquor.
‘Slowly,’ said Julius, taking my glass as I coughed. ‘Do you want some water?’ I shook my head and Julius grinned, returning the glass to me before picking up his own. ‘Spirits must be sipped slowly to savour the taste and appreciate the aroma. They’re a lot stronger than wine, or even champagne.’ He sat on the lounge next to me and demonstrated.
I took a smaller sip this time.
‘Let it linger on your palate.’
I sipped again. ‘It’s very different to wine, like drinking liquid silk.’
‘We’ll make a connoisseur out of you yet.’ He smiled.
I leant across to kiss him. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable and this way I controlled how it would happen. If he really wanted me, as he said he did, then sex was a powerful tool for me to get what I wanted too.
‘Susie, I don’t want you to feel you have to,’ he murmured, pulling back.
I tipped the glass to my mouth and then kissed him again. ‘I want to,’ I said. ‘Take me to bed.’
* * *
Leo was very pleased with the information I’d gathered at the opera.
‘You did well, Nightingale,’ he said to me a few weeks later at Gut Birkenhof. We were shovelling snow away from the paths and entrance to the kitchen, before Frau Kraus arrived back from the market in the village. She and Ida were the only household staff that remained. The others had left to care for family or because they didn’t want to be associated with our family any longer. ‘Your report was valuable,’ Leo said, ‘and Bernhard wants you to continue.’
Leo had passed what I’d heard on to underground members in Berlin who were able to verify the authenticity of my intelligence. Bernhard Bästlein, one of the leaders of the resistance, had sent his personal congratulations to me. He’d escaped from prison and had joined forces with Franz Jacob and Anton Saefkow in Berlin.
‘Although German troops are being pushed back into Poland, those fighter planes could still make the difference in the war and turn the tide back in Germany’s favour,’ said Leo. Our family had been glued to the radio most nights, listening for anything about the Allied offensive. The BBC news was reporting that the Russians had taken back Leningrad, held by the Germans since 1941.
Leo leaned on his shovel, his breath misting the air, and the proud way he looked at me was enough to make me want to burst into tears. But I only smiled and nodded. All I really wanted was for him to see me as I was – no longer the child he’d grown up with, but the woman I had become.
‘It feels wrong plotting against our own country,’ I said as a wave of guilt washed over me. I thought about the men I cared for at Beelitz and knew that many more of our soldiers would be injured or killed as a result of any Allied offensive against Germany. ‘This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.’
Leo had handed me a canteen of water and I took it gratefully.
‘I know, we’re Germans first,’ he said.
‘It’s just so hard seeing injured soldiers every day and wondering if I’m contributing to their loss and injury.’ I took a long swallow of the cool water.
‘What the Nazis are doing to our nation is wrong, Susie. They have to be stopped.’ He smiled. ‘Thanks to you, we know where they’re building the plane engines. With our network of contacts we can infiltrate the factories and prevent those engines from working properly.’
‘You can do that?’
He nodded, grinning at my stunned reaction. ‘See what you’ve done? You’ve made a difference.’
‘No. We’ve made a difference.’ I handed him back the water, standing taller and feeling more confident.
* * *
It was late March when the air raids finally stopped. After four months of bombings, it was a blessed relief to sleep through the night o
nce again. Although most of Berlin had been affected, the Allied attacks hadn’t destroyed the city like they had in Hamburg, nor had they caused the collapse of the government and administrative sector of the capital. Berlin and its people had endured.
When I wasn’t working at Beelitz, I was with Julius. Marika’s looks of sympathy soon turned to acceptance as she watched me settle into the relationship.
‘Are things going well with Julius?’ she asked one day when we had a few moments to talk. ‘You seem happy.’ We still shared a room at the hospital but I wasn’t there much and Marika had been spending a lot of time with Johann Stahl, who was supposedly helping her study for her nursing exam, now she had the necessary experience behind her.
I nodded, dropping my starched nurse’s cap onto the table and shaking out my newly cut shoulder-length hair, which was so much easier to manage than the long hair I’d had since a child. ‘He loves me and he’s good to me. He’s protecting Elya and Leo, and there’s been no more trouble from Mueller. We’re both getting what we want.’ I shrugged my shoulders but Marika lifted her eyebrows and gave me a look.
I sighed, kicking off my shoes and slumped into a chair. ‘All right, the truth is that he’s considerate, in and out of the bedroom.’ I couldn’t suppress a small smile, thinking about it. I’d acquired a supply of condoms from the black market and insisted on using them. A baby was the last thing I needed in this complicated situation. Julius had acquiesced, despite birth control being illegal under the Nazis. Not worrying about pregnancy had allowed us more freedom in the bedroom, something not lost on Julius and something I was beginning to appreciate. ‘I’m attracted to him, and part of me might even feel something more for him. He’s endearing, even when he’s not trying, but…’
Marika put down her cup of ersatz coffee and frowned. ‘You say it’s over with Leo… maybe you have to let him go. I had my doubts about Julius at first but you’ve made your choice and you could do a lot worse than him. I wonder if you could even be happy with him.’
Letters from Berlin Page 16