‘The sooner the better,’ I said, glancing down to my still flat stomach. But Julius was right; we had to be seen as the golden couple within his social circle and government ranks. And the marriage would cement Tante Elya and Leo’s safety further. My responsibility was to them and this child now – and Julius, too, as my husband.
‘Of course, liebling.’ He kissed me on the head. ‘I’ll throw the most lavish, most memorable wedding Berlin has ever seen,’ he said expansively. ‘I want the whole of Berlin to know I’m marrying you, Susanna Göttmann.’
‘Don’t do that,’ I said, laughing. ‘Something small and simple will make me just as happy.’ The doubts and worries of the past days lifted from my shoulders, with the knowledge that my family’s future was secure. I felt light, perhaps even joyful.
‘Anything for you,’ he said. ‘You’ve just made me the happiest man in the world.’ He bent to kiss me once again and I wrapped my arms around him, grateful for this man and determined to try to love him with all of my heart.
* * *
Julius and I agreed on a date for the wedding in mid-November and I needed to tell my family the news. I was excited to plan a wedding with Tante Elya, but most of all I wanted to tell her that she was going to be a grandmother. However, that news would have to wait until after we were married. And, of course, I was worried about how Leo would react. Arriving at Gut Birkenhof without calling ahead, I found that Tante Elya wasn’t anywhere in the house.
On my way to find her, I turned towards the sound of a voice calling my name. My heart lurched to my throat. ‘Kreisleiter Mueller,’ I said as politely as I could, my heart beating a little faster. I halted halfway down the stairs to the driveway where he was standing next to his car. ‘Are you looking for my uncle? He’s not in the house at the moment,’ I said tersely. ‘He must be around at the milking sheds.’
‘Thank you, my dear,’ Mueller said, with a smirk. ‘It looks like I’ll have to come back another time.’ I nodded, relieved. ‘But since you’re here, I do have something to tell you, something I think you’ll want to know. I’ve been waiting for our paths to cross again.’
‘I have to go,’ I said, feeling clammy.
‘It’s about your fiancé, Herr Siebenborn.’ His face was serious now, his eyes hard as he walked up the stairs towards me. ‘I wanted to know what kind of man he was and so I went digging into his past, a past he’s put some effort into hiding. Then I discovered why.’ He stopped and leaned back casually against the balustrade, but he was watching me closely. ‘Julius Siebenborn has a mistress in Berlin, a married French socialite, Collette Bisset, and another mistress and child that he’s discarded and abandoned in Krakau. I hope for your sake that it doesn’t become your fate.’
For a few moments all I could hear was roaring in my ears. Then I saw Mueller’s smug smile and felt myself fill with fury. ‘How dare you make up lies about him,’ I said with deathly calm, advancing on him. ‘I don’t want to hear another word. Get back in your car and leave.’
‘Oh, they’re not lies. I have proof.’ Mueller reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, looking triumphant. ‘The child’s birth certificate,’ he spat, tossing it onto the step in front of me. ‘I was going to leave it with your godparents, but this is much better.’ He turned and strutted back down towards his car. ‘I don’t like being made a fool of, especially in public. You should heed my warning before he makes a fool out of you, too.’ He opened the car door and glanced back at me. ‘Goodbye, chérie, perhaps I’ll see you in Berlin.’
I stood there shaking until the dust had settled down the driveway and I could no longer see his car. Then I slowly bent to pick up the envelope.
14
I stumbled blindly into the house and up to my bedroom. Once I had closed the door, I opened the envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper. My hands were shaking.
It was a copy of a birth certificate – the details of a boy born in Krakau in August 1942 with Julius stated as the father and certified by the General Government, Distrikt Krakau. Julius had worked in Krakau during 1941 and 1942. I scanned the document and found the name of the mother, a woman Julius had never spoken of. There was no denying that the certificate was real. There was something else inside the envelope, and I scrabbled to pull it out, almost dropping it in my haste. It was a photograph of Julius and Collette holding hands – taken at the recently reopened Bar Lebensstern in Berlin, only a few weeks ago.
Wrapping my arms over my belly as if to protect my baby from this blow, I sat down hard on the bed, feeling sick. I remembered Colette, the woman from the government gala: a tall, willowy, elegant brunette and I now understood the possessive way she’d touched him – the confident sexuality of a woman whose affections were returned. Was he thinking of her when he took me that night?
Although Mueller was an evil old bastard, his words rang through my mind. Would Julius abandon me and the baby as he had done with the woman in Krakau? Did he really plan to marry me if he had another mistress in Berlin all this time?
When I emerged from my room, still unsteady, I heard Leo’s voice down the hallway talking to Ida.
‘Is your mother home yet?’ I asked him outside his bedroom, forgoing any pleasantries.
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Ida said she and Vati won’t be back for hours.’ He frowned, taking in my appearance. ‘Are you all right?’
‘No,’ I blurted. I hadn’t meant to say anything, but I needed to tell someone.
‘You look awful. What’s happened?’
I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath to hold myself together.
‘You look like you’re about to fall down.’ He took hold of my arm and pulled me into his room, guiding me to the edge of his bed. ‘We won’t be disturbed in here,’ he said, closing the door. ‘Now, what’s wrong?’ He sat beside me, concern etched across his features.
‘Oh, Leo, I’ve been such a fool,’ I whispered. I held out the envelope containing the devastating news.
Leo said nothing while he perused the document and photograph. ‘Where did you get these?’ he asked darkly when he’d finished.
‘Kreisleiter Mueller was just here to see your father and gave them to me.’ I looked up at him, the ferocity in his face blurred by the tears in my eyes. ‘He was going to give them to Onkel Georg. He told me that Julius still has a mistress here in Berlin.’ I gestured to the photograph. ‘I’ve seen her with Julius before, at the gala when we announced our engagement.’
‘I knew Julius wasn’t to be trusted.’ He shook his head with disgust and stared at the photograph for a moment. ‘Why would Mueller do this?’
‘Julius humiliated him, first at my birthday party and then at the opera.’
‘I didn’t think Julius would be that stupid,’ he said. ‘Mueller has an enormous ego. He’s not a man to cross lightly.’
‘What am I going to do?’ I whispered. ‘We’ve just set the wedding date for November. That’s why I came home, to let your parents know.’
‘A wedding?’ Leo was incredulous.
I nodded, feeling wretched, tears sliding down my face. ‘And now…’ I couldn’t tell him about the baby now. I felt ashamed and used. I was such a fool. ‘Why didn’t he tell me about his child?’
‘Because he’s a coward,’ he said through gritted teeth. He jumped up, running his hand through his hair in agitation and began to pace the room until his eyes locked with mine. With a look of apology he was by my side immediately and he put his arm around me. I leaned into his solid warmth like I had when I was a child. It was comforting.
‘Don’t tell your father,’ I said. He jerked beneath me, his chest taut as a drum. ‘I’ll deal with it myself and tell him when I’m ready.’
‘What do you mean you’ll deal with it?’
‘I have to confront Julius.’
‘You’ll go back to him?’ I could feel the tension humming through his body.
‘I have to talk to him. Perhaps there’s a reasonable explanation.’
/>
‘What possible explanation could he have? There’s no disputing this evidence.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, Leo,’ I said miserably. I knew that he’d support me whatever I chose, but things were right or wrong for him, black or white. Even if I could explain, I wasn’t sure that he’d understand why I’d made the choices I did and accepted the sacrifices I had for the sake of my family.
I could feel him shuffle beside me, as though he couldn’t get comfortable, before taking a deep breath and allowing the words to tumble out. ‘Susie, do you love him?’
I knew how hard it was for him to ask but the truthful answer was just as difficult for me to give and I wasn’t sure it was something he wanted to hear. How could he understand without knowing all the circumstances? How could I tell him without hurting him? ‘I don’t know… Not like I love you. I’ll never love anyone else like I love you… But he’s been good to me and I suppose a part of me loves him for that.’
‘I won’t watch you suffer like this. He has to pay for what he’s done.’
‘No, Leo. I’ll deal with Julius. Stay away from him.’ I looked into the face I loved more than any other. It was breaking my heart. He wanted to stand up for me, protect me, and I loved him all the more for it. I wanted to tell him about the baby, but I couldn’t. ‘Promise me you won’t do anything rash,’ I said.
‘I promise,’ he said huskily. I could see how much it cost him to say it. ‘But just say the word and I’ll give him a piece of my mind.’
* * *
Leo offered to come back to Berlin with me, but I told him I had to do it on my own. It was enough to know that he was there for me. I returned to the Adlon, put the birth certificate and photograph on the table for Julius to see when he came in and waited nervously. I hoped beyond reason that there was a chance they weren’t real.
‘What’s this?’ he said, shrugging off his jacket. He picked up the certificate, a frown deepening across his brow as he realised what it was. Then he picked up the photograph, his voice soft. ‘Where did you get these?’
‘Kreisleiter Mueller was waiting at the front steps of Gut Birkenhof.’
‘He’s a troublemaker, Susie.’
‘But is it true?’
He just stared at me and I waited, barely daring to breathe.
He put the papers back on the table. ‘It’s complicated.’
I couldn’t believe it. It was true. I began to sob. Julius sat beside me on the lounge and put his arm around me. ‘Shh. We can work this out.’
‘Don’t touch me.’ I stood abruptly and moved to one of the winged chairs. ‘I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt before I thought the worst of you,’ I hiccoughed through my tears. ‘Is there a good and logical reason for this?’
‘I should have told you,’ he said, sighing. ‘There were so many times I wanted to…’ He stood abruptly and walked to the glass French doors, staring out over the Brandenburg Gate. ‘When I was in Krakau, I met Margarete. To me it was just a fling, and then she fell pregnant.’ I couldn’t see his face, but he was still, like a statue. ‘She wanted to marry, but I wasn’t ready. I barely knew her. So we agreed to wait until after the baby was born.’ A sob escaped my lips. He turned to me then, his eyes wide with concern. ‘It was different with her. I love you, Susie.’
‘Just tell me what happened,’ I said with a strangled voice.
He nodded and started to pace the room. ‘When our son was born, we were so happy, we planned to marry as soon as we could.’ He slumped back onto the edge of the lounge. ‘After what my childhood was like, you know how much I want my own family.’ His eyes were pleading with me to understand.
I couldn’t answer him. I only stared.
‘But before we could arrange the ceremony, our little boy died. Not even three months old, lying in his cradle. He was cold and blue.’ He looked at me then, the grief etched across his white face. ‘Nobody could tell us why.’
‘Oh God,’ I muttered, my hand moving protectively to my belly. ‘Julius, that’s awful.’
He nodded, raking a shaking hand through his hair. ‘Under the Reich, the penalty for killing your child – even from the time it’s in the womb – is death, and I worried I’d lose Margarete as well. We were both questioned, but suspicion fell directly on her and she was accused of smothering her own baby… But I’d been beside her all night, every night, during his feeds and when she’d put him back to bed. She wasn’t capable of that – she adored him.’
‘What happened?’
‘Eventually she was cleared, but neither of us coped well with his loss and the investigation. We couldn’t look at each other without being reminded of what had happened. Then I was offered a promotion back in Berlin and we agreed it was better that we part ways.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I whispered, my anger and betrayal warring with my compassion for his loss.
‘I couldn’t.’ His voice was choked with emotion. ‘Every time I think of him, other images come up to haunt me. His death feels like a punishment for not doing more to prevent what I’ve seen. You have no idea what that’s like…’ The anguish behind his eyes was heartbreaking, but I didn’t know how to feel. ‘When I was in Krakau, I was sent by Ganzenmüller to check the railways that were part of the Ostbahn,’ he whispered. Then the words seemed to fall out of him, his voice like an automaton. ‘One day I was taken to inspect the line that had been built to the camp at Treblinka. A train had arrived early that morning with prisoners. They were Jews. When the doors were opened the stench that poured out was indescribable. Then I understood. The carriages had been packed beyond capacity… who knows how long they’d been travelling. Only a small number walked off that train, others were carried – but so many more were already dead, putrid and in a state of decomposition.’ He spoke faster now, as if it was a relief to get it out. ‘It was the stench of death, Susie. There were men, women and children. I’ll never forget one woman clutching the corpse of her dead baby to her chest. She only started screaming when the guards tried to rip the child from her grasp…’ Tears filled his eyes. ‘That dead child and baby Josef are interchangeable in my dreams. There was nothing I could do but watch on in horror. And the guilt that I didn’t do anything at all carries on.’
I realised I was breathing heavily. I shook my head to try and clear the awful vision of Jewish people being transported like animals and enduring horrible deaths, if not through neglect then through extermination. ‘But you promised to tell me everything, that we’d be equal – partners. You’ve kept all of this from me.’
He nodded miserably. ‘I’m sorry.’
And then I remembered the French woman. ‘What about Collette? I asked you once before about her, the night of the gala, but here’s a photo of the two of you taken only recently. How do you explain this? Tell me, is she your mistress?’ I bit out.
‘No, I promise you. She and I had a relationship before I left Berlin years ago, but it was over long before I met Margarete in Krakau. She wanted to resume our relationship when I came back, but I told her that I’d met you.’
‘Julius, you’re holding hands in this photo, only weeks ago.’ I stared hard into his eyes.
‘She’s having trouble with her husband and didn’t know who to turn to. How could I turn her away? I was only trying to comfort her. We’ve known each other for such a long time. She was so distressed…’ He caught my glare. I wasn’t convinced. ‘I swear to you that nothing’s happened between us.’
I sat immovable, somewhere between despair and hope. He left the lounge and dropped to his knees beside me. ‘I swear to you, Susie. There’s only you. I love you.’ He placed his hand on my belly. ‘I swear on the life of our child.’
I looked at him for a long moment. ‘What happens to us?’ I asked. Although he might not have deliberately set out to hurt me, Julius was the kind of person who let things happen around him rather than make a stand. Maybe everything had been pulled out of proportion, designed by Kreisleiter Mueller to cause the mo
st trouble and pain between us. Maybe Julius was right and Mueller wanted me and the glittering prize of Gut Birkenhof. Or maybe it was Julius who was lying to me. But none of it mattered. I had our child to think of.
‘Susie, you’re the one I want to spend my life with. I won’t do anything to jeopardise that.’
‘Promise me you’ll never see Collette again.’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Our wedding goes ahead in November and no more secrets between us.’
‘No more secrets,’ he said solemnly, reaching up and kissing me gently on the lips.
* * *
Back at Beelitz, I knew I had to tell Marika what was happening. I waited in our room for her to come off shift, thinking about the implications of my upcoming marriage.
I was reluctant to relinquish my independence and the purpose and fulfilment nursing gave me but once I’d had the baby I’d be expected to stay at home. I didn’t want to become a housewife, even one belonging to the glittering social and political elite. I shook my head with frustration, determined to spend whatever time I could with Marika at Beelitz, helping her plan her own wedding and enjoying the twilight of our girlhood together. We’d been friends for so many years and neither of us knew where life would take us after this.
‘All well?’ she asked, sitting opposite me with a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits.
I nodded, smiling weakly. ‘How’s everything going for your wedding?’
‘Johann doesn’t care if we get married in a tent, so long as we’re married. Mutti’s arranging the venue and a dressmaker for the gown.’ She dunked her biscuit in the tea and popped it into her mouth before it fell into the cup.
‘I’m pregnant,’ I said quickly before I could take back my words.
‘What?’ she spluttered, nearly choking on the biscuit.
Letters from Berlin Page 20