“What’s wrong? Am I hurting you?”
“No,” she covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. Blake adjusted her position, so she was sitting up on her knees beside Alexis, who sat up on her elbows. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do this.”
“Talk to me.” Blake covered Alexis’s hand with hers. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
“It’s…it’s just that I haven’t been with anyone since I had Harper.”
“I know, and that doesn’t matter to me. You are beautiful, Alexis.”
“No, I’m not.” Alexis pressed her tongue into the side of her cheek and begged the tears not to fall. The last thing she needed was to cry in front of Blake when they’d both thought the night was going to end with sex. “You are gorgeous. You have a body to die for, and you’re so sexy, and I’m…I’m me. I’m a single mom with stretch marks and extra weight in places I wish I didn’t, and…”
“Lex.” Blake put a finger up to her lip. The simple gesture caused her to release a pent-up sob. “Babe, please, don’t talk about yourself like that. You are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. Your curves drive me absolutely crazy, and, Lex, I love everything about your body, including what it has been through.” Taking hold of the hem of her dress once more, Blake looked into her eyes. “Is it ok if I raise your dress and show you how much I love your body?”
There was no way Alexis could have said anything. The words were stuck in her throat. She simply nodded at Blake, and she straddled her hips once more. With more tenderness than Alexis had ever experienced, Blake gently raised her dress as she lowered her lips to Alexis’s skin. Blake kissed her stretch marks that had never entirely disappeared after having Harper. She kissed the places on her body that Alexis wished she could change from her extra weight around her hips to her stomach that was soft and round. Her lips grazed the cutting marks on her inner thighs from her darkest of dark days. With each kiss, Blake washed away the negative thoughts Alexis had toward her body.
“You are so beautiful, Lex. Please always believe me when I say this.”
At that moment, Alexis knew what she needed to do. She knew what she wanted to do.
“Blake, I need to tell you something.”
“Ok.” The worried look on Blake’s face caused Alexis to quickly sit up as Blake sat cross-legged on the bed beside her. Alexis took hold of Blake’s hands and held them tight. She wasn’t sure if it was more for comfort for herself or Blake.
“I need to tell you about how I came to have Harper.”
“Lex, you don’t…”
“No.” Alexis shook her head. “I want to tell you.”
At Blake’s nod, Alexis dove into the story that she had never told anyone before.
She was twenty-two when she’d gone to a party at the University of Maine in Augusta to see Michelle. After two years of being led on by Michelle like a whipped dog, Alexis was desperate to tell Michelle how she truly felt. Alexis wanted to tell Michelle that she loved her and had loved her since the day they’d met two years before. But when Alexis arrived at the party, she was shocked to see Michelle was there with her fiancé.
Alexis had been crushed. She felt stupid for thinking Michelle would have ever loved her when she’d made it perfectly clear time and time again that she didn’t feel that way about Alexis. Deep down, Alexis had hoped she could change her. That someday she could prove to Michelle that she was the one for her. Instead, Alexis found herself at a college party where the only person she knew was now the last person on earth she wanted to see.
But instead of leaving, Alexis had sulked around the party, drinking more than she should have. When a guy brought her a drink, Alexis had taken it as a flirty move and had taken the drink. It was only a few minutes later that Alexis’s head started to spin, and she’d retreated to the bathroom to be alone.
But the man with the drink had other plans. He’d pushed himself into the bathroom and forced himself on Alexis.
“I…I was raped.”
“Lex.” Blake let out what sounded like a sob as she pulled Alexis close. She held her as they both cried silently. Even after nearly six years, Alexis had never once told anyone that. Her friends knew; they were all there when Sophia had brought her home from the party. But none of them ever talked about it. Alexis had her suspicions that Sophia told them never to talk about it. “I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I…I had no idea. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Alexis finally let herself take a full breath. “I wanted to tell you sooner, but it’s not something that I want to talk about.”
“I can understand that.” Blake was silent for a few moments as if she was processing the information she’d been given. “Did you get a rape kit?”
“No.” Alexis pulled back out of Blake’s embrace so she could see her face. No one had ever asked her that, and it caught her off guard to hear the question come from Blake. “I didn’t want to do one.”
“Why?” Although Alexis knew it wasn’t how Blake meant it, the question came out judging, and it cut Alexis to the core. “They could have found the guy and locked him away.”
“Or,” she was on edge, “more realistically, the kit would have sat unprocessed in a warehouse for years, which does no one any good.”
“Or they could have found the guy and arrested him and…”
“And then I would have had to identify him and go to court and deal with him knowing who I was.” Standing up, Alexis put a hand on her hip as Blake scooted to the edge of the bed. “I only saw him for a brief moment. He doesn’t know who I am, and I want to keep it that way. Because he also doesn’t know that Harper was a byproduct of that night, and there is no way in hell that I ever want him in her life.”
“And I completely understand that, but…”
“There are no buts, Blake.” Her voice was angrier than she’d intended it to be. She hadn’t expected Blake to react the way she was, and it was throwing Alexis for a loop. “I never want to know who he is because I don’t want him to know who I am.”
“Look, Lex, I’m sorry. I’m trying to process all of this.” Blake ran her hands through her hair before dropping her hands onto her lap. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she looked up at Alexis. “Wait, why did your mom kick you out of the house if you were raped?”
“Because she doesn’t know.”
“Your mother doesn’t know you were raped?”
“I told you, we don’t have a good relationship.”
“Well, yeah, considering she doesn’t know a huge part of your life.”
“You know what?” Alexis walked back into the living room area as she gathered her bag. She was done with the conversation. Done with Blake’s slightly judgmental questions. “I’m going to go home.”
“Alexis, wait.”
“No, it’s late, and I’m tired, and I need to be alone right now.”
“Lex…”
Alexis shut her off by closing the front door behind her and heading down the stairs. She’d expected Blake to come after her, but instead, she was nowhere to be seen as Alexis peeled out of the driveway. The drive home felt longer than Alexis remembered, and by the time she got home, the only thing she wanted to do was crawl into her bed and cry herself to sleep. In every scenario she’d had of telling Blake, she’d never imagined Blake would ask her those questions.
At the top of the stairs, Alexis went against her better judgment and headed into Sophia and Emily’s apartment. The apartment was quiet, and the only light was coming from the television, which was playing a French movie. Alexis tried to pull herself together enough to throw Sophia off the trail that anything was wrong, but the game of charades was too much. Leaving her resolve at the door, she padded over to the couch and plopped down beside Sophia.
“I wasn’t expecting you home so soon,” Sophia quipped as she paused the movie. “Harper and Emily are asleep in the guest room.”
“Oh, ok, good.” Kicking
off her shoes, Alexis pulled her feet up under her as she rested her head on the back of the couch. Sophia extended her half-empty wine glass to Alexis, but she shook her head. “I’ve had enough to drink tonight.”
“What’s up, Lex?” Sophia turned to face her. “Emily and I both assumed you’d be spending the night at Blake’s considering how you two were looking at each other after the play.”
“I thought so too, but then,” she shook her head, “I don’t know. Dumbass me thought it would be a good idea to tell Blake about…everything.” She avoided Sophia’s eyes. “I told her about the rape.”
She could hear the breath leave Sophia’s lungs at the word. They rarely spoke about it; it’d been years since they’d even brought it up. Sophia had been by Alexis’s side from that awful night onward, and she wouldn’t have made it through that time in her life without her.
In the years since the rape, though, Alexis hadn’t told anyone. If people asked about Harper’s father, Alexis always blew them off or said she made Harper herself. Because that’s exactly how Alexis saw it. Harper was all hers. Always had been, always would be.
“Oh, Lex.” Sophia sighed as her eyes softened. “I know that must have been hard.”
“Yeah.” Alexis gritted her teeth. “We were kissing, and it was escalating quickly, and I don’t know. I felt like I needed to tell her before we did anything.” She nervously popped her knuckles as she bit the inside of her cheek. “I had planned out so many ways she might react, but I wasn’t expecting what happened. She started asking these questions about why I didn’t get a rape kit and shit, and that’s not something that she has a right to have an opinion on, you know?”
“I know.” Sophia nodded. “Did you tell her why?”
“I did, and do you know what she said? That she needed time to process it.” Alexis scoffed, although she didn’t know where the frustration was coming from exactly.
“That’s completely understandable, Lex.” Sophia covered Alexis’s hand with her own and squeezed it. “If you recall, we all had a hard time with it too when we first found out. All of us, though, we’ve had time to process. You’ve had six years to process how this feels to you. Blake’s only had five minutes. She’s pretty understanding from what I can tell, but you dropped a bombshell on her and, I’m assuming, ran away before you gave her time to process what was happening.”
“See, this is the problem with having friends who know you so well.” Alexis forced a smile as Sophia chuckled.
“You love it, don’t act like you don’t.”
Holding her arm out, Alexis willingly went into Sophia’s embrace. She nestled into the crook of Sophia’s arm, resting her head on her shoulder. Sophia’s long fingers ran through her hair, and Alexis finally let herself assess the situation from Blake’s perspective. Alexis had dropped a bombshell on her. She’d prepared for the conversation to go one way, and when it went the complete opposite direction, Alexis had panicked.
“How did you know that Emily was worth the risk of getting hurt again?”
“Pardon?”
“You and Emily.” Alexis traced the intricate design on Sophia’s lounge pants. “You were married before, and he hurt you. You said before that you never wanted to be in love again, and then you met Emily, and you two are the perfect couple.”
“We’re far from perfect, mon amour, but I understand what you mean now.” Dreamily sighing, Sophia settled back into the couch as she adjusted her arm around Alexis’s shoulder. “It was breakfast.”
“What?” She wrinkled her nose in confusion.
“After our first night together, I came downstairs and watched Emily for a moment. She was wearing that disgustingly ratty Black Sabbath t-shirt and dancing around my kitchen like it was something she did every morning. I could see her phone propped up against the fruit bowl in the middle of the counter, and there was a YouTube video playing of someone poaching an egg.”
“So far, I’m not seeing where this is going.”
“Patience, mon amour.” Sophia held up a finger to her lips before continuing. “You see, Emily didn’t know how to poach an egg, but she knew that’s how I liked them. When I came into the kitchen, she served me eggs and had made me coffee with two creams and no sugar.”
“Exactly how you like it.”
“Indeed.” She nodded.
“So, Emily making breakfast made you realize she was worth the risk?”
“The fact that she had listened enough to know how I liked my eggs and my coffee made me realize she was different. I was married to my ex-husband for a decade, and I guarantee if you called him now, he couldn’t tell you a single thing I liked. But Emily,” Sophia’s voice was dreamy and full of love, “Emily figured it out the first day we were a thing, I guess you could say.”
“Well, she’s a woman,” Alexis smirked at her. “We’re observant.”
“No, she’s Emily.” Sophia softly laughed. “She’s a ball of love and light that neither this world nor I deserve, but she loves me anyway. The way Emily looks at me is not unlike the way I catch Blake looking at you. I’ve been on this earth longer than you, my darling, and that is not something that happens every day. So, don’t overthink it, hmm?”
In all the years Alexis had known Sophia, she’d never heard that story before. It warmed her heart and made her long for the day that someone would know her as well as Emily and Sophia knew each other.
And who knew. Maybe Blake could be that person.
Alexis wanted Blake to be that person.
“Do you think I screwed things up with Blake?”
Before Sophia could answer, the doorbell rang, and Alexis sat up quickly. The app on Sophia’s phone buzzed as she opened it up to see who was at the door. A chuckle escaped her lips before she turned the phone toward Alexis.
“I don’t think you’ll have to wait long to find out.” On the camera, Alexis saw Blake standing outside the door with what appeared to be a milkshake, which was not easy to come by in a town where most restaurants closed by ten p.m. She had changed out of her pantsuit and was in a navy hoodie and jeans. “I believe this is for you.”
“Shit, what is she doing here?”
“I don’t know, but,” Sophia clicked the button on the app to unlock the door, “why don’t you go find out?”
Nodding, Alexis stood, only for Sophia to grab her hand and stop her. She stood and wiped away Alexis’s tears with the sleeve of her shirt before playfully patting her butt and sending her out the door. Out in the foyer, Alexis came face to face with Blake.
“What are you doing here?”
“I did this all wrong.” Sitting the milkshake down on the small table in the foyer, Blake took a step toward her as Alexis took one step back. “I shouldn’t have let us leave things like that. I needed a minute to think and process, and I never once stopped to think about what you needed at that moment. You needed me to listen, not ask you questions that, looking back now, came out way more judgmental than I ever intended them to be.”
“Maybe a little.” She smirked and held her thumb and index finger close together.
“I am so sorry, Lex.” Blake stepped toward her again, but this time, Alexis didn’t move. Instead, she let Blake take her into her arms and hold her tight so she didn’t fall apart again. They stayed locked in each other’s embrace for a few moments until Alexis pulled away and took Blake’s hand.
“I’m sorry, too.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. You did nothing wrong.”
“Except I did. I forgot that I have had years to process this information, and it’s brand new, life-changing information for you. You need time to process this like I did.”
“I need you to know one thing, ok?” Blake squeezed her hands. “None of this changes the way I feel about you. If anything, it makes me love you more to know all you’ve overcome to become the beautiful, strong, hard-headed woman standing in front of me.”
Even with all the beautiful things Blake had said, Alexis could only focus
on one word.
“You…you love me?”
“Yeah.” Blake smiled as Alexis shyly looked away from her blue eyes that were so full of love they made Alexis’s heart want to explode. Tenderly, Blake lifted her chin so their eyes met once more. “I love you, Alexis.”
Rolling her lips inward to stop the dorkiest smile that was threatening to spread on her face, Alexis wrapped her arms around Blake’s neck and kissed her. She’d never had anyone say those three words to her outside of her friends and she wanted to savor every feeling coursing through her body. Blake loved her. Blake loved her even though she knew every dark secret about her life.
“Do you want to come inside?” She twirled Blake’s hair around her fingers. “Harper is spending the night at Sophia’s apparently.”
“Do you want me to come inside?”
“I do, but,” she shyly looked away from Blake, “I need you to know that if you come inside, we can cuddle on the bed all you want and watch Scandal and drink what looks to be a chocolate milkshake together. But that’s all I can offer you right now. I’m mentally exhausted.”
“I know, babe, and honestly, that’s all I want, too.” Blake kissed her nose. “I want to hold you. That’s all.”
Taking Blake’s hand, Alexis led her into the apartment.
Spending the night next to Blake led Alexis to have the best night of sleep in her life. Their legs were tangled around each other’s, and Blake’s arm was draped over Alexis’s stomach. Alexis had lent her a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt before they had crawled into the bed and watched Scandal until they fell asleep. Alexis had contentedly smiled when Blake started snoring softly beside her. She looked so peaceful, so perfect. Alexis carefully sat up in bed and kissed Blake’s cheek. Her eyes fluttered awake as she looked up at Alexis with the dreamiest smile she’d ever seen.
“Morning.”
“Good morning.” Blake reached up and put her hand behind Alexi’s head to bring their lips together. Alexis booped her nose playfully as Blake rolled over onto her back. “I like waking up beside you.”
State of Grace: A Moonflower Cove Romance Page 24