by D V Wolfe
“So, this isn’t your body?” Noah asked.
I shook my head. “Noah, I was born in 1936. Do you think I would have looked like this in 1936?”
“Well maybe not the tattoos or purple hair,” He said.
“Tattoos?” I asked.
Noah’s face went red. “Oh, so Julian isn’t your ex?”
I blinked at him. “Who?”
“It’s tattooed on your...lower back,” he said.
I twisted to try to look but couldn’t see it from where I was. “I guess I should inspect the merchandise closer next time.”
“So, how many, um, ‘Empty Houses’ is this for you?”
“This is my third,” I said. “And the reason I haven’t hit the magic six hundred and seventy-nine number yet is because every time I die, the number resets. How’s that for ‘fine print’?” I finished. “I told you downstairs wanted a return on their investment with interest. They still get to keep the life forces of the supernaturals I killed in the first two Empty Houses even though they don’t count against my soul total.”
“Fuck,” Noah said on a whisper.
“So,” I said, standing up and offering a hand to Noah. He took it and I pulled him to his feet. “Anything else you want to know?” He just stared at me like he was seeing me for the first time.
“And I’m sorry I’m not serious all the time about everything that’s going on. I’m not used to working with people. Besides Gary, Tags’ brother, who was my partner for a while, I’ve been working alone this whole time. I mean, I go to Rosetta, Tags, and Stacks for help from time to time, but I’ve never taken them on a hunt before now. And to be honest, Noah, it’s kind of stressful to have you all in danger like this. Stacks lost his trailer, the demons are after us, and we haven’t even gotten to St. Louis yet. Time is getting short, so I know that I’m turning into a cranky asshole with tunnel-vision. I can’t think about anything else but the job I have to do right now, so I’m sorry if you feel slighted. I can’t say it won’t keep happening, but at least now, you know why.” Noah and I just stood there looking at each other. Me, wondering if he was going to ask anything else and him, trying to process the steaming pile I’d just shoveled on top of him. I looked down. “And Noah, if you could do me a favor and not repeat what I told you about...you know, how scared I am, I’d really appreciate it.”
“What are you ladies discussing over here?” Stacks asked, coming up behind us.
I turned to look at him. “We were thinking you should be the first one inside when we find the demon nest. I know you’ve been dying to try out your Uhura fan dance on a live audience.”
Stacks’ ears turned red and his voice was low and as deadly as it got when he said, “You told me you wouldn’t ever mention that….And I did it for the cardio.”
“In case anyone is interested,” Festus said in a bored voice as he strolled up to us. “It’s now eight and the sales clerk just unlocked the door.” He motioned to the shop behind us.
“Good,” I said. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
I pushed past Stacks and Festus and I was the first one inside Scarborough Faire.
20
The smell of herbs and spices smacked me in the face and knocked me back onto Stacks’ foot. He swore and the sales clerk popped up from behind the counter, scowling. She was a severe-looking woman that would have gone toe-to-toe with Rosetta for the “biggest stick in a space-saving internal location” award.
She surveyed us with disdain, taking in our dirt-caked and blood-stained clothing. I noticed Festus wasn’t with us. On this occasion, having him standing next to us might make us go up in her estimation. He was in a suit after all, though the suit was torn and blood-stained. I pulled the folded magazine ad out of my pocket and thrust it into Stacks’ chest.
“Here, you and Noah give this to her and start locating the party favors,” I said.
“What are you going to do?” Stacks asked.
I nodded to the window. Festus had his back to the store, sucking in a lungful of poison. “I’m going to go collect our guinea pig.”
I walked outside and without saying a word I flicked the cigarette out of Festus’ hand and clamped an arm around his shoulders before spinning him around and marching him into the store. Immediately, Festus started sneezing. I turned to look at him to see his eyes watering and his face beginning to swell.
“Wanna play hot and cold so we can see what exactly is having this miraculous effect on you?” I asked him with a grin.
“You know, you have a sadistic side to you Bane and I have to tell you,” Festus said, taking his handkerchief out. “I hate it.”
The sales clerk looked up at us again and when she saw Festus, she stood straighter and patted her tight bun. Her eyes began traveling up from his feet and her expression was womanly interest until her gaze reached his torn jacket. When her eyes landed on his face, she frowned.
“Sir, are you alright?” She asked, coming around the counter.
“Do I look alright, you cow?” He snapped, blowing his nose. “What kind of hell hole are you running? The smell of this place is unbearable.”
Her expression turned vicious. “Well you can just take your….friends…. And leave then.”
I glared at Festus before turning to smile sweetly at her. “I’m sorry. My friend here isn’t let out of his cage into polite society very often.” I turned to look at Stacks and Noah. “Any luck with the list.”
Noah was perusing a shelf of self-serve spice dispensers. “We found Bishop’s Weed so far.”
The sales clerk crossed her arms. “Bishop’s Weed isn’t a big seller. What are you trying to do with it?”
“Oh just raise a little hell,” I said. I got a handful of Festus’ collar and dragged him over to Noah. I took the bag of Bishop’s weed from him and shook it open before shoving it into Festus’ face. “Smell,” I commanded. Festus didn’t have a choice and in a second, he was on his knees wheezing and gasping for air.
“Well that’s a good sign,” I said. Festus rolled onto his side and his face started turning purple.
“Oh my god!” the sales clerk screamed. “I’ll call for an ambulance!”
“That’s not necessary,” I said and I looked over at Stacks who nodded and bent down to rip the phone cord out of the wall. She looked at him in horror as he picked up her cell phone off the counter and dropped it into her cup of coffee.
“By any chance, you’re not a friend of Joel’s, are you?” I asked. She definitely wasn’t the kind of woman I usually saw Joel with, but who knows, maybe they had a librarian/surfer thing going.
“What?!” The woman screeched. “I don’t know any ‘Joel’.”
I shrugged. “Just thought I’d ask.”
I looked around at her shelves and found some whole cloves, remembering what Festus told me about demons and cloves. I knelt down next to Festus and stuffed one up each of his nostrils. He coughed and snorted, expelling the cloves back onto the shop floor. His coloring was returning to the blotchy red it had been when he’d entered the shop.
“Found the Grains of Paradise!” Noah called from another aisle.
In the end, Stacks had had to restrain the sales clerk and Festus had accidentally inhaled a clove up into his sinus cavity between having herbs tested on him. When we left, about three hours later, dragging Festus between Noah and I, while Stacks carried a pound each of the four herbs we came for, we were all in a pretty good mood. Well, except for Festus. He was pale now and looked like he was going to vomit again. Stacks got into Lucy’s cab and pulled while we pushed Festus up onto the seat next to him. I closed the passenger side door to keep Festus from falling out and Stacks rolled the window down.
“He doesn’t smell too good.” Stacks said, leaning away from Festus.
I looked back at the store. “I guess the shop must not be doing that well. Not a single other customer in three hours?” The sales clerk was still sitting in the chair behind the counter, her arms pinned to her sides
by the extension cord wrapped around her and her voice was inhibited by the tea sachet we’d stuffed in her mouth.
“Maybe we should untie her,” Noah said. “What if there’s not another customer today?”
I nodded. “We’ll call the cops from the road to tell them to check on her.” I glanced at Festus and then back to the store. “I do feel kind of bad about leaving the pool of demon vomit and cloves covered in demon boogers all over the floor,” I said. “But dammit we’re in a hurry.” I looked over at Noah. “Are you sure you want to ride in the back? I can make Stacks ride back there. I’d make Festus, but I just shoved a shit ton of crap up his nose and I’d feel kind of bad if, in his state of disorientation, he tried to stand up and flew out of the bed while we were going eighty-five.”
“Are you kidding me?” Noah asked. He waved a hand at the cab window where we could see Festus leaning his head on Stacks’ shoulder and Stacks shoving him back so Festus’ head was hanging out the open window again. “I won the lottery by getting to ride back here.”
“I can see your point,” I said as Festus threw up out the side window. “Well hold on. We’re going to burn some rubber.”
I took the backroads to Highway 255 in case Festus’ assumptions were wrong and there was a welcome wagon full of demons before the border with our names on it. The cab was quiet. Stacks was reading the monk’s book next to me and Festus was unconscious. I reached for the radio knob and tuned into Walter’s station. Walter’s voice followed the last chords of a Creedence Clearwater song.
“Storm clouds continue to form over St. Louis. An atmospheric disturbance is expected in the area sometime between midnight and three a.m.”
I checked the clock on my phone. “Only about twelve hours to the main event,” I said to Stacks.
He nodded and turned the page. “Any idea about what the main event is?” Stacks asked. “I mean, besides a big daddy demon bursting through the door and yelling, ‘Hi honey, I’m home!’”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe some ritual? What did the Lesser Key of Solomon say about our Mr. Demon?”
Stacks sighed. “Well we can’t be one hundred percent sure that it’s him. But if it is, it says he loves walks on the beach at sunset and possessing powerful individuals. His favorite activities seem to include rape, manipulation and amassing power and followers.”
“So a model demon citizen then,” I said.
“Pretty much, but I really, really hope he’s not the one wanting to punch your ticket when we get to St. Louis. This guy is a Duke, Bane,” he closed the book and looked over at me. “There’s a good chance that none of us will make it out of this alive if it’s him, you know that right?”
I nodded but couldn’t think of anything else to say. I had to figure out a way to make them understand that they weren’t going on this hunt. That as soon as I left them to go after this demon, they were going to scatter like cockroaches when the lights are turned on. I didn’t care where they went to hide out, as long as it was outside of Missouri. We were quiet for a minute and then I just threw ceremony to the wind and said what I should have from the beginning.
“Stacks,” I said, “You all aren’t going on this hunt with me. I’m one hundred percent grateful for all the research and help you’ve given me, but this is my fight, my ‘suicide mission’ as you say, and I work alone.”
He snorted. “I’m not Noah, Bane. I’m not some ‘innocent’. Besides, I figure I owe you this for the whole FBI and prison thing. I think after this hunt, we’ll finally be square. Does Noah know how serious this is? What we’re about to do?”
“He does now,” I said.
It was past noon when we rolled into the outskirts of St. Louis. I’d been here once before when I was hunting down a rakshasa. I turned down a familiar-looking side street and knew where we were going to hole up. As long as it was still standing. There was an abandoned warehouse off Commercial on the riverfront that I’d used before. We were going to have to do some spellwork to pinpoint the demon’s nest. And we had to move fast.
Big Al’s Boat Repair was painted on the street-facing side of the warehouse. I remembered because his logo was a fish wearing a baseball cap and sitting in a boat, fishing. Hard to forget something like that. I drove Lucy around to the back of the warehouse, across the gravel side lot and we piled out. Festus was looking better but still pretty shaky on his feet. Noah looked windswept and tired but he had a determined set to his mouth that I recognized from my early days on the job.
“How ya doing there, Festus,” I asked. “After your Solomon’s Spice Master Cleanse?” Festus touched his thumb to his fingertips on his left hand and held the “half-binoculars” up to his left eye. “What does that mean?” I asked.
He rolled his eyes and growled. “It’s how we tell each other to fuck off. Surely you remember it from your time downstairs.”
“Oh, I thought y’all were just really into ‘I Spy’. Which I always thought was weird,” I said. “Considering where I was in Hell, everything looked the same. I figured it must be a pretty advanced game.”
“Oh shut it,” Festus groaned as he opened his door and spilled out onto the gravel.
“I’m surprised you haven’t just ‘poofed’ off like you normally do,” I said.
“I do not ‘poof’. I translocate. And I can’t at the moment if you must know because some asshole just pumped me full of kryptonite. I’m lucky I’m not dead. This will take days to recover from.”
I shrugged, popping open the lid on Lucy’s toolbox and moving back so that Stacks could dig through it. “Too bad you’re an Empty House and can’t just smoke out of one body and possess another.”
“Yes, too bad,” Festus snapped. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going somewhere that isn’t next to all the things I hate, namely you.”
Stacks grabbed a couple of books from Lucy’s toolbox and a canvas bag and I grabbed the bolt cutters. Festus crossed the backlot to an old cable spool sitting on its end at the water’s edge and settled himself on it, staring out at the river.
Noah jerked his head in Festus’ direction as the three of us headed away from him and towards the warehouse. “Is he gonna be ok?”
I shrugged. “I’m sure, eventually. Once we’re set up inside, I’ll go get him.” I cut the padlock on the sliding doors and Noah and I shoved them apart. The floor of the bay area was covered with old oil stains but next to the office, there was a clean square of concrete, except for a layer of dust. I glanced around and saw a broom leaning against a far wall.
“Noah, can you sweep that concrete pad for Stacks? It needs to be clear for his pendulum work.” Noah just nodded without asking any questions, retrieved the broom, and started sweeping.
I looked back out the sliding doors at Festus’ silhouette. “I’m going to go talk to him,” I said to the others. I headed outside and stood next to Festus, staring out at the water. For a minute, neither of us said anything.
“Thanks for what you did today,” I said to him. “We’d still be stumbling around in the dark, unable to find our asses with both hands and a flashlight if it hadn’t been for you.”
Festus snorted. “So the same as every other day.”
I sighed and shook my head. “I’m trying to thank you and it’s not easy. Especially when you are impersonating different pieces of anatomy.”
Festus’ face split in the ghost of a smile as he shook out a cigarette and put it between his lips. “Well, you’re welcome.”
I watched Festus struggle to light his cigarette. His hands were shaking and his suit jacket sleeves slid back, revealing rope marks, cuts, burns, and bruises on his wrists, forearms, and the palms of his hands. I could only imagine what the rest of him looked like. Some of this torture he was going through when he went downstairs, was because of me. Maybe all of it was.