by Hannah Doyle
What I’d really like is to be spending the morning in bed with Alice, but her drive and passion for her career is one of the many reasons I’m drawn to her.
‘You go and smash it,’ I say. ‘I could do with some time in the studio, too. And, since I’m in charge of our next date, are you free tonight?’
‘Nat’s not back until later and I have no plans …’
‘An old friend of mine has opened a new bar and it’s their launch party.’
‘What’s this? You’re inviting me to a bar? You know there’s a chance we might see … other human beings there?’
‘I’ll have less of your cheek, thank you very much.’
She beams. ‘A bar sounds great, especially as our last date was very wholesome. Two dates in two days, Zach! But there’s one big problem …’
‘There is?’ I ask, worried now.
‘Very big,’ she says.
I’m flummoxed.
‘Our alphabet dates?’ She says, eyes wide. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten! And I thought you were the romantic one in this situation.’
‘Right,’ I laugh, relieved. ‘If you’ll let me finish. H for Happy Hour. Sound good?’
‘Early drinks? Now you’re talking!’ She runs her fingers through my hair and kisses my earlobe before heading off for a shower.
With Alice on my mind, I wonder if it might be hard to focus when I arrive at the studio. She’d very sweetly packed me off with the last cinnamon bun ‘in case you need a mid-morning boost’ and I’d been so touched by her thoughtfulness. Spotify playlist on, I settle onto the stool by my easel, fully prepared to end up with sketches of Alice on the paper in front of me, rather than the commission I’m meant to be working on. The freckle on the inside of her left thigh. The scar just above her belly button. The way her chestnut brown hair crashes like waves over her body when we’re in bed.
Obviously all of the above has been running through my mind on repeat, but it seems to be helping rather than hindering my creativity. Now charcoal sketches are strewn across the floor at my feet, paintbrushes dipped in colours I don’t usually use by the sink. When I finally check the time I realise I’m only an hour off our date and I definitely want to change out of my paint-splattered clothes before I see her again, so I dash home for a shower.
It’s a mess in here. I’ve been meaning to start properly renovating the house ever since I bought it earlier in the year but finding the time isn’t easy with so much to do in the studio. I pull on some fresh clothes and am about to leave the house when I feel my phone vibrating in the back pocket of my jeans. I wonder if it’s Alice after directions to the bar.
But the screen is lit up with a different name.
Clara.
I frown. It’s been a while since she’s called now. I figured she got the message when I’d ignored her the few times she rang in the days after we split, leaving her WhatsApp messages unread and deleting her voicemails.
What does she want now?
I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. Automatically my thumb goes to decline the call and I put my phone on silent, not wanting any disruptions.
Theo’s standing at the door of the bar when I arrive, greeting people with a huge smile across his face.
‘Zach, it’s good to see you! It’s been a while.’
Theo and I used to work together at a coffee shop in Sharrow before he set up his own café and my art started taking off, meaning I didn’t need to work the extra job.
‘Congratulations, man,’ I clap him on the back. ‘A successful café and now a bar, too. The empire grows!’
‘Hah. Not quite an empire, yet. Give me time though. Come on in and take a look around.’ He leads me inside and I take in the exposed timber floors and Scandi-style tables, teamed with plush furniture and deep blue walls.
‘It looks really good,’ I say.
Theo smiles. ‘I’ve reserved a table for you. Drinks are on the house for old friends. I’ll come and catch up again later!’
I pick up the cocktail list and entertain myself by wondering which one Alice will like the best. In the end I go for something called a Hugo, made using elderflower, prosecco, club soda and mint leaves, because it sounds botanical and I now know how much she loves growing things in her allotment.
Back from the bar, I settle into my seat and smile as Theo masterfully does his meet and greet thing with the rest of the guests. I know for a fact that Theo isn’t the kind of guy who’d feel awkward if he was sat waiting for a date in a busy bar, like I am right now. He’s got the same easy confidence as Alice. It’s been a while now, the prosecco in the cocktails I ordered no longer fizzing. Where is she? I hope she’s okay.
Remembering I left my phone on silent as I dashed out of the house earlier, I pull it out to check if she’s messaged.
And that’s when I spot them.
Four missed calls and a voicemail from my ex.
Clara was never in touch this often even when we were together so it’s out of character for her to call so much, which makes me worry it could be an emergency. I reluctantly press play on the voicemail.
‘Zach, hi, it’s me …’ I bristle at the sound of her voice, once so familiar to me. It acts like a time machine, taking me away from my life now and back to the days when it was Clara and me. I listen. ‘I know this is all out of the blue and I’m sorry to contact you like this. You’ve made it clear that you don’t want to hear from me and I understand that. I just had to get in touch because there’s something you need to know. I’m sorry to tell you this over voice message but if you won’t pick up the phone there’s no other way. So here it is I guess. Zach, I’m engaged. I know it’s soon—’
I drop my phone onto the table, not wanting to hear any more. My mind feels like it’s going at a thousand miles an hour, thoughts coming in and out so fast that I can’t grab onto them for long enough to process anything.
She’s engaged?
I should clear my head, get some fresh air. I should not give this any more thought. Taking a sip of my cocktail, I try to get myself back into the here and now but it’s not easy. Like a dick, I pick up my phone and scroll through Instagram until I find Clara’s profile, which I’d long-since unfollowed.
There it is.
A typically stylish black and white photo, but this one’s of her. She never normally shares photos of herself on social media. Or, shared, I correct myself. I don’t know her any more. It’s an image of Clara leaning into him, the ring on her finger sparkling more than the lights in the background.
I seek out the caption even though I know I shouldn’t.
Starting the week with a spring in my step! This weekend I said yes.
It was posted earlier today, the likes already pouring in as her friends wish them all the best in a conveyor belt of congratulations.
And what stings the most is I know who her fiancé is. He’s the man who Clara had been secretly seeing the entire time we were together. A sharp intake of breath and another sip of my drink. An elephant has just walked straight into this bar. Alice is on her way and I still haven’t told her about my messy last relationship.
Alice brings a waft of fresh air with her as she sits down next to me, her face breaking into a huge smile as she spots the two empty glasses on the table. ‘Easy tiger! Did I take so long that you had to drink all the cocktails?’
‘Ah, sorry,’ I say, attempting to laugh back. ‘I was thirsty. Let me get some more.’ I head over to the bar and order the same again, my head feeling slightly woozy from necking two drinks in quick succession. ‘They’re called Hugos. I thought you might like them because they contain lots of things you can grow,’ I explain when I get back.
‘Zach, that’s sweet,’ she says, taking a sip. ‘Mmm, it’s good.’
She looks even prettier this evening. Her hair falls around her shoulders and she’s wearing a navy silk shirt with yellow polka dots tucked into loose-fitting jeans, a pair of butterscotch block heels on her feet.
I crac
k my knuckles, willing the tension I can feel throughout my body to dissipate.
‘Are you okay?’ She asks tenderly. ‘You seem a little on edge.’
Pull yourself together, Zach.
‘I’m fine thanks,’ I nod, trying to soak up Alice’s positivity. Why am I letting Clara get to me like this. She’s in the past.
‘Okay. Everything all right in the studio?’
‘Um, yeah, it went well actually. Thanks. How was your day?’ I ask, trying to shift the conversation away from me. There’s no point dwelling on this, I tell myself.
Alice claps her hands together, excitement lighting up her face. ‘Remember that bride I mentioned to you this morning? We had the best meeting. She brought her fiancé too and they were just the cutest couple. And they’re keen, too. They only got engaged on Friday but she’s already so on it, she’s got a clear vision of what she wants and the best bit is that she’s a fashion director, so this could have a massive impact for my business.’
A fashion director who got engaged only a few days ago? You’ve got to be kidding me.
Alice is asking me if I’ve heard of the magazine where she works, which of course I have. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, willing this conversation to move in a different direction.
‘So anyway,’ Alice charges on, ‘she found my work through an interior blogger they featured in the mag, who I’ve collaborated with before. How cool is that? So she’s already been into the shop and knows that I get booked up quickly, especially during wedding season, which is why she got in touch so fast. This could be huge exposure for the shop, Zach. She’s super influential and I already know that their wedding is going to be stunning.’
She pauses to take a sip of her drink and I find myself unable to think of anything to say.
‘They’re such a sweet pair. They decided to make it Instagram official this afternoon, just before our meeting, and she kept checking her phone and getting all excited when she saw the comments coming in.’
My ex is getting married and the woman I’m now seriously into is doing the wedding flowers. I can’t believe this is happening – just as I was over it and finally moving on too.
Alice is so full of enthusiasm and I shake my head, hoping to shift the thundercloud that’s gathered there, but it’s not working. I’ve just found myself slap bang in a very awkward situation.
‘That sounds good,’ I say trying to muster some enthusiasm to support Alice on her important new client.
Alice takes a long sip of her drink.
‘Zach, I feel like I’m missing something. You seem … off. Is there something on your mind or are you annoyed with me because I’m late?’
‘No, it’s not that.’
‘Because it was only twenty minutes!’
‘Like I said, it’s not that.’
‘Well, what is it then?’ She bristles. ‘Am I boring you with my work chat? You’ve barely said a word to me since I got here.’
‘I’m not the same as you, Alice,’ I find myself snapping. ‘I’m not always full of the joys of spring, okay?’
Alice flinches.
Stop being such an idiot.
‘I didn’t mean that to sound like a character assassination. Sorry. I’m just … You’re always so positive. So perky. I can’t match that today.’
‘I never asked you to match that,’ she counters, ruffled. ‘Everything was fine this morning. Has something happened?’
‘Uh … no.’
‘No? That’s it? I just get grunts of one-word answers now?’ She’s folded her arms now, looking hurt and confused. I know I should be back-peddling but Clara’s news is painful and I’m lashing out at the person who least deserves it. Worse, the picture has reminded me that I need to be completely upfront with Alice and when I do that, she’ll run a mile.
I take a deep breath.
‘I’m really sorry Alice. You’re right, something has happened but I don’t really want to talk about it right now. Let’s just enjoy our evening.’
Alice nods sympathetically and I feel like an absolute dick. So much for “happy” hour.
‘Whatever has happened, I’m here to help when you feel ready. It sounds like you need some time to process things and honestly, Zach, I wouldn’t have minded if you’d cancelled tonight. I’m pretty easy-going, you know?’ She gives a little laugh and I smile back at her, frustrated with myself for messing this up. ‘Listen, why don’t we call it a night? We can catch up properly when you’ve had some time.’
She’s right. Better to call it quits before I act like even more of a fool and completely put Alice off me.
‘Okay,’ I say, frustrated with myself. ‘Sorry again.’
‘You don’t need to apologise. I’ll see you soon, if you want to.’ Softly, she kisses me on the cheek and leaves.
You still in your office? I’m in a bar just round the corner and I’ve royally fucked up.
I finish at 6 tonight so can be with you in ten mins x
Nine minutes later and Ellie bursts through the doors.
‘Please tell me you didn’t you drink all of those yourself?’ She demands, eyeing up the empties.
‘I got here at five for happy hour and in fairness, Alice had one,’ I say.
‘Is she here?’ Ellie looks around excitedly.
‘She left, that’s my problem.’
‘It’s not over is it?’ she asks, grabbing my hand.
‘No, she’s just giving me some space.’ I explain about Clara’s news and the fact that my mood just ruined a date with Alice.
‘Oh Zach,’ Ellie says, pushing a glass of water towards me. ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself. That is a lot to take on board.’
‘I feel like such an idiot. You know I had no idea that Clara was in a relationship when I met her. And then I found out there was this “ex” on the scene and she swore she’d broken it off with him. So how come just months after we break up, she’s getting engaged to him?’ I shake my head.
‘She straight up lied to you, Zach. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.’
‘I’m really annoyed with myself, Ellie.’
‘It wasn’t your fault!’
‘But I let it affect my time with Alice. Turns out she’s now doing their wedding flowers and she’s all excited because Clara’s such a high-profile client. For a second I thought about telling Alice that I knew Clara but it just felt weird. And then I couldn’t even muster any enthusiasm and probably seemed so rude and standoffish when she was telling me about work, which is so important to her. It’s all a big fucking mess and now she’s gone.’
‘That is awkward,’ Ellie says sympathetically. ‘But it’s not beyond repair, right? It’s possible you’re being a tiny bit overdramatic, just like your brother. Maybe it is time you told her about Clara? I think it would help to give you peace of mind. And you can always make up for tonight by cooking Nonna’s zucchini pasta for her another time.’
In spite of myself, the reference fills me with comfort. Raff and I insisted on zucchini pasta as often as possible during those brilliant summers at Nonna’s. It’s a family recipe that has been passed down through the generations and is still a firm favourite. Raff and Ellie handed out hot plates of it for their wedding breakfast, explaining to all the British guests that zucchini is Italian for courgette.
‘I’d murder for a bowl of that right now,’ I say with a half-smile.
‘There we go! You’re feeling better already. Zach?’
‘Yeah?’
‘When you saw the photo of Clara’s engagement, did a part of you wish it was you? Asking her to marry you, I mean?’
My answer is immediate and honest.
‘Absolutely not.’
I’m surprised by how much I know this to be true even though when we were together I had allowed myself to wonder if we might get married one day. I clear my throat and look at Ellie. She’s studying me closely. ‘It’s funny how your feelings for someone can change so quickly. I’m not saying I’m not shocked t
hat she’s getting married now, of course I am, but you know what? Seeing that picture made me realise that I am completely over her. I’ve known it the whole time but … I dunno. I guess seeing that photo has cemented it. But, fuck, Ellie, I feel like such a dick for how things are playing out now. It’s obvious how much I like Alice but that scares me.’
‘Why?’ She asks, concern etched across her face.
‘Because I don’t want to feel like a fool again.’
‘You aren’t a fool, Zach. Being vulnerable isn’t foolish. It’s just a part of loving someone and unfortunately, the last person you fell for took advantage of that. That doesn’t mean that history will repeat itself and it certainly doesn’t mean you should stop trying. It sounds to me like you’re simply upset to have found out about Clara, which is understandable. So you know what you have to do now, right?’
I shake my head.
‘Go get your woman.’
Ikea
Alice
If I thought perusing the bread section of my corner shop would take my mind off things, I was wrong. There’s only one loaf left for a start. (Wholemeal, as if I need that in my life right now.) Even small talk with the guy behind the till can’t stop me from thinking about the abrupt ending of our Happy Hour date earlier this evening. Zach and I would probably be out for dinner by now, if only he hadn’t been so preoccupied with whatever it was. I think giving him some space was the right thing to do, I just hope he’s okay. As I unlock my front door and I’m immediately hit by the smell of a thousand scented candles.
‘Home so soon?’ Natalie asks.
‘Zach was a bit off so I’m going to make cheese on toast for dinner. I’d offer you some but I’ve a hunch you might be going out?’ I say, taking in the fact my best friend is currently striding around in her bra and pants while my living room has been turned into a mood-lit walk-in wardrobe.