“Blindly,” Katie commented bitterly. “I’m clueless half the time here. I’m not used to that. I’m not used to having so little control. It’s not a good feeling.”
“No, but welcome to the world the rest of us live in, Cadet Kincaid,” Colleen answered. Her parents had consulted her on the life choices they’d made for her, but her choices, like those of most of her fellow cadets, had been tightly constrained by their families. Sure they got taken care of, but they didn’t get to decide much besides how their rooms were decorated and how they spent their limited recreational time. Even in those cases, there were rules that bounded them. Mainly they got to decide how hard and enthusiastically they’d work at what they were given to do. The sense of agency Katie seemed to have was entirely alien to them.
“Yeah, I guess I was spoiled in a sense,” Katie said, as if in answer to Colleen’s internal observations. Did miracles never cease? Were they finally getting to understand each other after all these months?
“Could be,” Colleen agreed.
“Guess thing right now is to do as well on the finals as I can, right?”
“Yep.”
“One step at a time.”
“You can’t always plan everything out in detail ahead of time,” Colleen affirmed.
Katie nodded. She appeared resigned rather than gloomy. Progress, if not much. “Guess all I can do is stick at it.”
Colleen rather thought quitting and trying something less difficult was a choice too, but refrained from saying so. “Guess so,” she said.
Katie nodded again. “Thanks,” she said. “Better get back at it.” She turned and stared back down at her books.
Colleen did the same. So the Katie problem wasn’t solved. Maybe they were making progress. Maybe it’d turn out to be a dead end.
Who knew?
* * *
Oddly enough, because she wasn’t into socializing, Katie was finding the Cadet Mess a better place to eat during final exams than the main dining hall.
It was quieter. Calmer. Darker, too. Katie was no fragile flower, but most of a year at the Academy had left her strung out and overwhelmed. She’d had to deal with so much that was new and unfamiliar that every new piece of information, every additional sensory input, however minor, felt like a straw that might break the camel’s back of what she could bear.
It was awful. It was weakness. It struck at the very center of her self conception as a strong, competent individual. It was also ground fact and something she had to deal with.
Katie felt particularly bad with how deliberately disengaged she was remaining from her fellow cadets. Katie needed to socialize more. She knew that. Katie needed to get to know her fellow cadets better. Even more than that, she needed to let them to get to know her better. It could be embarrassing. The gaps in her knowledge of the world and of how to act in the society most of the rest of them came from were awkward. She was younger, and she guessed she was more naïve too. Nothing to be ashamed of really, but it didn’t feel good to be reminded of it.
Now that she was getting towards the end of the academic year and the final exams were almost over, she could find the energy to start thinking about that.
Katie was doing better academically. The math exam she’d done just this morning, she was sure she’d done well on. Katie was getting a feel for how much detail was appropriate for a good proof. She still felt a little queasy every time she was faced with doing one, but she was getting over it quicker, and getting the work done faster. She’d got good marks on her last few assignments. That was great, only it had come at the cost of being completely heads down on studying in every spare moment for the last month and a half since March break and the BOTC preparatory course she’d messed up so badly on.
Now waiting for the bartender to announce her fish and chips were ready, she had time to think about that.
The door to the Mess opened, letting in too bright outside light and a number of fellow first year cadets. Female ones. Debbie Patel, Eva Karoly, and Susan. Susan Fritzsen. Katie felt a flash of guilt. She’d not found much time to talk to Susan since the World finals in January. Even with living in the same building and eating in the same place and having most of the same classes, she’d just not found time.
Katie wondered if she should catch their attention and invite them to sit with her.
Before she could make up her mind Susan spotted her and waved, and after turning to have a few quick words with the other two, started Katie’s way.
“Hi!” Susan said in greeting as she grabbed herself a chair. “Been crazy busy, hasn’t it?”
“Seems like it always is,” Katie answered. “Sorry, haven’t found time to talk more.”
Susan grinned at her in a way that seemed almost fond. “No problem. We all know you got dropped into the deep end here.”
Katie shuddered. Of the many new experiences she’d not enjoyed in the last year, getting chucked into the pool to learn to swim had been one of the worst. The old saying now had a new immediacy for her that it had never had before. “Afraid that’s true,” she agreed. “I was just realizing I’ve been concentrating so much on catching up academically that I’ve neglected everything else.”
“Like getting to know your fellow cadets better and keeping up with those that were already friendly?” Susan asked.
“Yeah,” Katie said, blushing.
Susan waved a hand airily. “Don’t feel bad. Colleen has hinted at how hard you’ve been working.”
“Still,” Katie started, before realizing she didn’t know how to put what she wanted to say. She took a deep breath and looked at Susan in frustration.
Susan stared back blandly for a second or two. “This is why I had Eva and Debbie go order for us before coming over. It’s awkward, and, frankly, you’ve no idea how to handle awkward social situations,” she said in a mild conversational tone. “We’ve a got a few minutes for you to get it all off your chest. They know I wanted to talk to you alone for a bit. Not going to mince words, a lot of the other cadets are surprised you’ve managed to stick it out this long. Impressed even. Academy doesn’t have a high failure rate, but that’s because most of us knew what to expect and spent years preparing for it. And it’s still hard. You can feel proud, Katie.”
Katie didn’t know what to say. She defaulted to her normal operational mode. Assess the situation. Figure out what needs fixing. Figure out how to fix it. “Thanks,” she said. That seemed like a conversational requirement. Had to be polite. “But the Basic Officer Training Course was always going to be the main obstacle to overcome, wasn’t it?”
“That’s right,” Susan agreed. “And you’re behind the eight ball. You’ve got to get your fellow cadets to trust you and follow you during a series of tasks, and right now they don’t know you. What they do know of you is that you’re a bit of an oddball. Not a total incompetent at everything, our biathlon performance did help some, but an oddball. They don’t really trust you yet, and now it’s too late to do much about it. We’re all going to go home on break, and then it’s right into the BOTC in just a few weeks. It’s too late to start getting to know everybody now.”
“Wow, tell me what you really think,” Katie said. She ought to find Susan’s bluntness painful, but, in fact, it was refreshing. Scary and depressing, but refreshing.
“Not going to help you to sugar coat it,” Susan said. “Not going to be easy. Somehow you’re going to have to be strong enough, and lucky enough, to make it despite it being an uphill battle. For what it’s worth, I don’t think anyone is actually hoping you’ll fail out, they’re just not too sure of you either.”
Katie sighed. “So, what am I supposed to do?”
“Good question,” Susan said. “Get rested up. Get your head in the game as best as possible.” With that she looked up at the other two cadets who’d been loitering at the bar, apparently with all of their meals. They took that as a signal to come over.
Katie plastered a happy smile of greeting onto her face.
Didn’t
look that great.
Damned if she was quitting.
* * *
Andrew was looking forward to an hour or two relaxing in the Cadet’s Mess with his friends. It’d been a long year. He’d never doubted he’d make it through. That hadn’t been the issue. The issue had been making a good showing relative to the other cadets.
Andrew hadn’t done as well as he would have liked.
Andrew was securely in the top half of the class. He was good at soccer. He was good at sports in general. His marks were above average. On the other hand, he hadn’t truly excelled at anything either. For someone as ambitious as Andrew, for someone who had a family that was as demanding as his, that was a problem.
Andrew paused in his thoughts as he entered the Mess, his friends Stephen, and John following him. Nothing excused a lack of situational awareness. There were a few small parties of other cadets scattered about the dim room. The only one of any interest was the one that included Katie Kincaid and Susan Fritzsen as well as, a little surprisingly, Eva Karoly and Debbie Patel.
Karoly and Patel were as political as they came. Patel in particular. That those two were willing to be seen hanging out with Kincaid was a straw in the wind. An indication of the way it was blowing that served to sour Andrew’s previously rather happy mood.
Andrew only had one exam left and that in French.
It was going to be a cakewalk.
Andrew was fluent in French. He’d been speaking it since he was a kid. Vacations in Quebec and various parts of France itself had seen to that. He’d had it every year in school so he could speak the formal version and knew his grammar to boot, but he could manage informal conversation in a variety of accents as well. The Academy’s French courses were a free gift of extra marks for Andrew.
Too bad the same couldn’t be said of the mathematics or physics ones.
Andrew didn’t exactly struggle in either discipline, but he worked hard to be adequate at them. He certainly didn’t excel at them. He had a hard time remembering to care. They both seemed rather dry and arbitrary to him. They might admittedly have some practical value, but the Lord had given true decision makers computers and flunkies to handle such technical details. Andrew put in the work he needed to, but he had a hard time putting his heart into them. It showed. He’d done those exams, and his marks in Math and Physics were only going to be average.
Of course, they were exactly what that freak Kincaid was best at. Andrew knew his irritation wasn’t fair. Didn’t make it any less real.
“Sit with the girls?” Stephen asked. “Haven’t had the time to talk to Susan I would have liked.”
“Down boy,” John said. “Fritzsen isn’t the warm and fuzzy sort. Even if she condescends to use you for recreation, when she settles down it’ll be with someone older, richer, and better connected.”
“We’re friends,” Stephen replied. “That’s not fair.”
“Be too many of us at one table,” Andrew said. “Looks like they’re having a hen party, anyway.”
Stephen looked glum and grunted acceptance.
The young men made their way to an empty table, signaling the bartender for service as they did so.
Having ordered and received their drinks, they talked while waiting for their food.
“So we’re almost done,” Stephen said. “Get a break to see our families and then it’s off to BOTC.”
“Less than a month,” John said. “Most of us will make it through, but there’s always a few that don’t make the cut.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Andrew said. “We’ll all make it. Now that Kincaid girl, I’m not sure about her.”
“Admit it, Andrew,” John said. “After what happened during March break, you think she’s going to crash and burn.”
“Comes to Kincaid I’m not willing to bet anything,” Andrew said. “She’s like a pair of dice that always rolls either snake eyes or box cars and little to nothing in between.”
Andrew’s friends snickered. Stephen got beer up his nose. “Warn me before saying things like that.”
“You know it’s true,” Andrew said. “She’s not just an out-of-place oddball, she’s a gambler. She likes to hit for the fences and she either hits home runs or strikes out.”
John nodded while Stephen looked thoughtful.
“Which is why I’m not sure if she’ll get through BOTC or not, but I am sure it’d be better for the Space Force and the rest of us if she doesn’t.”
“Why’s that?” Stephen asked.
“Because if she gets through, she’s going to end up gambling with other people’s lives. Our lives,” John said.
“Exactly,” Andrew confirmed.
9: Katie is Marginal
Colleen sat in a large armchair in a room full of family. She scratched behind one floppy ear belonging to Jasper, now a lazy elderly hound and not the rambunctious puppy she remembered. Colleen watched a pair of her brothers intent on a first-person shooter they were playing. It was almost disturbing how much they enjoyed murdering each other online. Almost. Her brothers were having too much good natured fun for it to be truly worrisome.
Colleen wondered if they’d somehow got all the family’s competitive spirit. Colleen didn’t know and didn’t want to think about it. It was simply too pleasant sitting here with all the family all together after a year apart to spoil with overthinking and angst.
Colleen wondered if Katie was enjoying herself as much at her grandmother’s. It was hard to imagine. Admiral Schlossberg did not have a warm and fuzzy reputation. All the same, Katie seemed to have enjoyed her visits at Christmas and Easter.
So there was some hope Katie was getting some rest and relaxation after a long slog of a year. Katie needed it. Colleen had seen firsthand how tired and emotionally stretched the young Belter girl was getting.
The Basic Officer Training Course was due to start in a mere two weeks.
Nothing Colleen had ever heard suggested it was easy or asked any less than everything a candidate had to offer.
Thanks to her family, Colleen was going to be rested and ready.
Colleen could only hope the same would be true for Katie.
* * *
It was Katie’s first time seeing North America’s Eastern woodlands in the late Spring. Winter had been beautiful in a stark way. Earlier Spring had been muddy, stark, and chilly. Somehow she’d found she preferred the outright cold of mid-winter to the false promises of warmth and sunshine belied by the chilly breezes of early Spring. It was damp in the east. The dry cold of the west had been easier to take.
But now that the woods on her grandmother’s estate were relatively warm and dry, she found she was enjoying them. The birds singing among the new greenery were something she’d read about, even seen emulated after a fashion in videos, but the reality was much better. Neither could pictures do justice to an apple tree in full blossom.
The Earth’s population was barely more than half the peak it’d reached in the early twenty-first century, and much marginal farmland like that that made up her grandmother’s estate had been abandoned and allowed to go wild. The apple trees that had been in orchards and around people’s houses remained, however. Or their descendants maybe. Katie wasn’t sure of the history of the place.
She could ask her grandmother, only they had so much else to talk about.
Katie didn’t know whether she should feel gratitude to her grandmother for all the background her grandmother was giving Katie or appalled at how ignorant she’d been. Ignorance that as far as Katie could tell, her grandmother and mother, without talking, had conspired to keep her in.
Katie’s grandmother at least was clearly apologetic. Not something she was good at. It was quite evident that the former Admiral didn't have much practice feeling sorry for her actions.
“In retrospect,” she’d said, “it’s almost comical how badly I messed up with your mother. I took her proclamation that she had no intention of following me into the Space Force at face value. It broke with o
ur family tradition and it broke my heart, but I tried to accommodate her wishes. She seemed good at business and finance. She seemed to like them, so I steered her that way. Sent her to the best schools, and, the Lord help me, even called in the odd favor from friends and acquaintances.”
Katie had frowned at hearing that.
Her grandmother had noticed. “She told you different?” her grandmother asked. It sounded like genuine curiosity. Not like an accusation or like her grandmother was contesting her mother’s version of events.
“Not really,” Katie had replied. “She never spoke of her financial training directly. She’d mention it when discussing business. Sometimes she’d use financial metaphors. Only she made it sound like something her family was pushing her towards rather than something she wanted herself. She never mentioned you or anyone else specifically.”
“That’s your mother,” her grandmother said, “never one to simply do something when she could overdo it.”
Katie had thought it looked like a trait that ran in the family, but had refrained from saying so. She’d changed the topic. “Water under the bridge,” she’d said.
Her grandmother had looked skeptical.
Katie had pushed on. “We can discuss it after I’m done BOTC,” she’d said. “I managed to scrape by this year at the Academy, but I’m not feeling good about the Basic Officer’s Training Course. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m not very good at getting people to do what I want. Maybe I’m too used to doing things myself.”
Her grandmother had grunted. “Could be. Neither here nor there. You have to learn to lead and an important part of that is being able to delegate effectively.”
“Okay,” Katie had said.
“How you’re wondering?” her grandmother had continued. “Observation and practice. It’ll take time and effort. For the most part, after you get through BOTC. That course is just a beginning place and an initial screening. A certain basic ability to organize and solve problems is necessary, but it’s not the main quality you’ll need.”
“What is?” Katie asked dutifully.
Katie Kincaid Space Cadet Page 15