by Brill Harper
“Hey man, I need to talk to you,” he says.
“Not a good time, Deacon.”
I turn back to my work, but he grabs my arm. I get a good look at his face and my world bottoms out again for the second time in less than a year. I know that look. That’s the same one that was on the cop’s face when he told me Sandy died.
“No,” I say. The world starts spinning. My mouth tastes like copper. “No, no, no, no.”
“There’s been an accident.” He clutches me so I don’t go down. “Ashley and Cassidy were in a car...” My vision tunnels. I hear hospital and stable and something about a ride.
“Where’s Hayden?”
“She’s at the house. Cassidy’s mom was watching her, but she wants to be at the hospital with her daughter, so my mom is on the way over. Is that okay, man? You’ve met my mom, right? She’ll take care of the baby. I’ll go over after and help her, okay?”
I nod. Still not processing. Bits and pieces come to me on the ride to the hospital. I remember Ashley had a doctor’s appointment. I remember the way the girls’ hair smelled this morning. I remember not even saying goodbye to Cassidy because I was so pissed off. My heart seizes.
Fate can’t be this cruel, right? I try to be a good guy. I never meant to hurt anyone. Is this my punishment? For wanting Cassidy? For taking her? Is God going to take her and Ashley from me in retribution?
I burst through the hospital doors and slide on the polished floor when I take a corner too fast.
I see her. Cassidy.
Something loosens over my heart. She’s not dead. I wheeze in a breath.
Cassidy is standing in the hall in a hospital issued gown and robe arguing with a nurse. She’s bruised and bandaged and beautiful. God, she’s so beautiful.
I run to her, and she collapses in my arms. “It’s okay, sweetness. I got you.” I want to squeeze her into me, but I don’t know her injuries. I don’t know how badly she’s been hurt. “Ashley?”
“They won’t tell me anything.”
Because she’s the nanny. Not family.
Of course.
I look at the nurse. “I’m Ashley’s father.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud. “Cassidy is the only mother Ashley knows. You have my permission to tell her anything about Ashley that you would tell me.” I notice Cassidy’s mom in the corridor. She’s staring at me as I hold her girl, and I can read on her face that she knows.
And that is fine.
I focus on the nurse again. “Please tell us what’s going on with our daughter.”
Cassidy
AS SOON AS I FOUND out Ashley was stable and they let us see her, I pretty much passed out. They got me to my room, put something in my IV and that’s all I remember.
Now I’m staring at a spot on the wall trying to focus. The room is dark, and I have no idea what time it is. Everything hurts and I’m queasy.
“You awake?”
I startle. The jolt does not feel good. “Conner,” I croak out. He gives me a sip of water through a straw, easing my throat. “I didn’t know you were here; you startled me. Where’s Ashley?”
“She’s fine. Sleeping.”
“What about Hayden?”
“Would you relax and stop worrying? She’s fine. Everyone is fine. It’s you we’re worried about.” He turns on a light, and I blink at the brightness. “Sorry.” He sits next to the bed and takes my hand in his. “How are you feeling, Cass?”
“Worse than those three days the girls kept us up every night with the flu.”
He smiles and his eyes are soft. “You gave me a scare. Do you remember what happened?”
Every time I start to think about this afternoon, my mind closes off. “Not really.”
Our fingers entwine. “You saved Ashley.”
I close my eyes against the memory of the gun. “He pulled me out of the car.”
His grip tightens. “I know. The witnesses say he threw you to the ground.” Conner’s voice cracks on the last word, so he clears his throat. “But you got up and chased the car.”
“He had Ashley. I couldn’t let him take Ashley.”
I’m blinking against the tears when the bed shifts and Conner is next to me, holding me close. “I was so scared. When they told me there was an accident...it was like Sandy all over again. But you’re okay.” He’s stroking my hair like I’m a cat. “You were so brave.”
“I caused the accident. When he was trying to get me off the door handle, he swerved and hit the—”
“Sweetness, you got our girl away from him. You did the right thing. And she doesn’t even have a bruise. They just want to watch her tonight.” He shifts in the bed to give me more room. “You need to rest.”
I don’t think there is any way I’ll fall asleep, but my eyelids are so heavy. When I blink, it’s morning and I’m alone with the nurse.
And my mother.
“We’ll be back in a bit with your discharge papers, Cassidy. Your mom brought you fresh duds to change into, but go slow, okay? You don’t want to overdo it.”
When she leaves, my mom is looking at me funny. “Are you going to tell me what’s been going on in that house all these months?”
“Mom, it’s not like that.”
“Please, it’s exactly like that. I saw the way you were looking at him. Cassidy, he’s too old for you. He’s using you. Think about it. Why would a man his age want a teenager?”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.” I ease my feet to the floor. “It’s not what you think.”
“I think he should be ashamed of himself. First, for seducing a young girl and second for using you like a convenience.”
“Mom, stop. He’s not using me. I get paid to take care of the girls.”
“And to take care of his needs? Cassidy, please. You’re a smart girl.”
I stand slowly. Everything in my body hurts. “Do you know if Ashley is being discharged today, too?”
“Let Conner worry about Ashley. I’m taking you home, and we are going to have a very long talk. He needs to find a new sitter. My daughter is not for sale.”
“Mom!”
“I love her.”
I whip my head to the door where Conner is standing, and then the world goes kind of sideways. I don’t know why the floor is moving until Conner catches me. He and my mom ease me back to the bed, and she goes to get a nurse.
“You okay?” he asks, pushing my hair off my face.
“I just moved my head too fast.”
The nurse comes in to check me over, and my mom is shooting daggers at Conner, and all I can think about is that he said he loves me. When the nurse leaves, declaring that I will have to be careful and be with someone for the next few days, I grasp Conner’s hand.
“Did you mean it?”
“Of course, I meant it.”
My heart feels so full. “You never said...I wasn’t sure...”
He looks at my mom. She’s got her arms crossed over her chest and looks like she’s plotting seven ways to kill him and what she’ll do with his body.
“Mom, can you give us a minute please?”
She glares, but leaves the room.
“Look, if you still want me to get a new nanny, I understand. But I’m hoping you’ll give us chance, even if you don’t stay at the house. Maybe we can date or something. I don’t know how that would work, but I need you in my life.”
I’m not sure if the world is pitching because of what he’s telling me or not. I hold on to his hand. “I love you, too. I don’t want to quit. If you still want me.”
He smiles and kisses me gently, very gently. “We’ll make it work. It sounds like I need a temp nanny, though. You need some time off.”
“No, I want to take care of the babies...I...”
“Cass?”
I hear my name, but it’s so far away. The drums are beating so loudly. Wait. Drums? I think it’s my heart...it’s all I can hear. The room gets dark. Very, very dark.
Laid: Chapte
r Eight
Conner
IF THERE WERE A RUG in the corridor of the hospital, I’d have worn through it with my pacing. I’m waiting for them to bring her back from her labs.
Instead of pacing the halls, her mom sits statue still on the chair outside her room. She’s white as a ghost and gripping the handles of her purse like it’s all that’s keeping her on the planet. Like she doesn’t trust gravity.
I can’t lose Cassidy. I just can’t. I want to run down the halls and smash things. I stop at the end of the hall. I’ve passed it about a hundred times, but this time, I enter the chapel.
I sit in the chair, but don’t pray. I just sit. A few minutes later, I’m not alone. Cassidy’s mom sits next to me.
“How long?”
“How long what?”
“How long have you been taking advantage of my daughter?”
I can’t even work up anger. I’d be pissed as hell if I were in her shoes, too. “We’ve been together about three weeks, ma’am. But I realize that I’ve been taking advantage of her kindness since the night of the accident. She’s the one who has kept the family together, not me. I didn’t know anything about kids. She’s an amazing woman.”
“Girl,” she corrects me. “She’s an amazing girl. You say you love her.”
“Yes.”
“You know she’s too young for you. That she’ll throw away her youth on you. Taking care of your house and your kids and sacrificing her own life. If you love her, maybe you will think about putting her first. Maybe you’ll think of letting her go.”
“You think that would be best for her.”
She isn’t really looking at me. Just straight ahead with a soft focus. “I know it would be best for her. And so do you.”
It might very well be.
“I won’t make decisions for her. Because she’s mature enough to know what she wants. If she wants to go, I won’t stop her. But don’t ask me to stop loving her, because I will never do that. Whether she’s with me or not, I love her.”
She swings her head at me, searching my eyes for what, I’m not sure. “We should get back out there, in case she comes back.”
This time, I sit next to her on the chairs outside the room. And we wait.
Laid: Chapter Nine
Cassidy
THIS TIME, WHEN THEY discharge me, it’s for real. I didn’t have an embolism. I didn’t have a worsening concussion. I didn’t have any of the horrible things they suspected.
I have a baby. Inside me. One that I haven’t told anyone about.
So far, they think the baby is okay. I’m afraid that they are wrong. And every time I close my eyes, I see that gun. I’m sort of a mess.
My mom takes me home, puts me in my room. I don’t fight her and neither does Conner.
For two days.
He told me he loved me. I want to believe him. I really do. I know I love him. But what will he say about a baby? Life is already so chaotic. How do we add another baby to this now?
I’m worried about Ashley. And I miss sweet little Hayden, too.
I’m sitting in my dad’s recliner watching Mean Girls for the hundredth time in my life when my mom pops her head in.
“Conner is here.”
My hands go to my tummy automatically, earning me a “your gig is up” look from my mom, but she doesn’t say anything.
I pause the movie and then turn off the TV. It feels silly, watching that movie right now. Girlish.
Maybe I am too young for all of this.
“Hey.”
He looks good. Too good. He steals my breath as he crosses the room and kisses the top of my head gently. He’s got some bags under his eyes. I hope he’s been eating real food. Maybe he went back to frozen pizzas and beer in the days we’ve been apart. Maybe it’s not my business.
He sits awkwardly on the couch. “Are you okay? I thought you would call or come over or...”
I play with the ends of the quilt on my lap. “I’m sorry. I’ve been sleeping a lot.”
The way he’s concentrating so fiercely on my face makes my eye twitch.
“What’s really going on?”
“Nothing.”
He winces. “Right. Nothing. You’re only avoiding me and the girls. No big deal.”
“Conner, I’m not avoiding you. I’m just resting.”
“I don’t understand what changed. I thought, in the hospital, when I told you I loved you...”
“I’m pregnant.”
God, did I really just blurt that out like that?
Conner’s face goes slack with shock. “You’re pregnant?”
I nod.
“That’s why you’re avoiding me?”
“I’m not—okay, maybe I am. I needed a little time to figure out how I feel.”
He’s biting the inside of his cheek. He reminds me of a tiger pacing its cage. All that energy tightly coiled and waiting for the opportunity to make a break for it. “We used protection.”
I massage the spot where I imagine the baby is twirling around. “Nothing is foolproof.”
Leaning back against the cushions, he rubs his face. “Wow. God, every time I was inside you, part of me fantasized about putting a baby in there, but I never thought we’d really do it.”
Wait, what? “You fantasized about getting me pregnant?”
He blinks at me like he hadn’t realized that was weird to say out loud until just now. “It was, I don’t know, a primal thing I guess. Biology.”
“Well, um, surprise! Biology won.”
Why am I being so snarky? It’s not his fault. Or not only his fault anyway.
“So how do you feel, Cassidy? You’ve had some time to think without me now.”
I wish I knew how I felt. I know the right thing for everyone is probably not for me to be pregnant. But I love the baby already. How could I not? I love its father. I love its siblings. “It’s not a good time for a baby.” I choke out the words because they are true, but they hurt.
Conner pales, and then his face gets red. “You don’t think I can handle it, do you? That’s why you kept it to yourself. Were you going to decide without me?”
“No, of course not. I’m not worried about you. You’re a great dad. But what if I’m not ready to be a mom?”
He laughs and looks around the room like he’s expecting a cameraman to jump out from behind a piece of furniture. “Seriously? Cass, what do you think you’ve been doing for the last seven months if not being a mom?”
“I’m just the nanny.”
He narrows his gaze at me. “Do not say that. We both know that is not true.”
“Well, okay. But we’ve only been together a few weeks. Conner, we haven’t even been on a date. We’re not ready to parent.”
“Sweetness, we’ve been living together for seven months, but I have no problem taking you out on a date if that makes you feel better.” He pauses. “What’s really going on? We do pretty well at parenting together, and you already know that. What really has you so worried?”
“Everything.”
“All right. Let’s make a list of everything and then we’ll tackle it one at a time. That’s what you do, right? Make lists?”
There are literally lists in every room of that house. Yes, I make lists. But he’s not supposed to be the reasonable one in this situation. He’s supposed to be freaking out, though I don’t know why I think that. I mean, he never freaked out when he found out he was going to have to move into his sister’s house and raise her children. He didn’t freak out when there was projectile vomiting for three days. He didn’t freak out when Ashley locked herself in the bathroom with an open bag of flour.
I can almost feel my blood pressure rising, which can’t be good for the peanut inside me right now. I guess I’m the one that’s freaking out. Not him.
“How can you be so calm? I’m pregnant! A year ago, you didn’t even want kids and now you have two ...and a half. You...you...you knocked up your teenaged babysitter. It’s like life just keeps taking
your choices away from you. Why aren’t you mad?”
“As I recall, I really enjoyed knocking up my teenaged babysitter. And the twins are amazing. And I’m in love with you. What’s one more kid?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
I force myself to take a calming breath.
“You’re not mad or frustrated?”
“No.”
And another.
“You don’t want me to...make another choice or give it up for adoption?”
Conner slides to the floor in front of my chair and takes my hand. “No. I’ll stand by you if that’s what you want. But that’s not what I want.” He brings my bandaged knuckles to his mouth and kisses me softly. “I want you to come home. Come back to me and the girls. They miss you so much. I miss you. It’s killing me not being able to take care of you. Not to hold you at night. I almost lost so much the other day. That gunman almost took my life away from me.”
My heart is beating so hard. “I miss you guys, too.”
“We can do this together, you know. There’s not a damn thing you can’t do, I’ve seen that firsthand. So together, I figure we’re unstoppable.”
He really loves me. I don’t know how or why I doubted it. “Well, I did take down a would-be carjacker. I suppose I can manage three kids and a bricklayer.”
He lays his head on my lap, and I sift my fingers through his hair. “It’s gonna be a helluva ride, you know.”
Three kids under the age of two. Yeah. It’s gonna be crazy.
“People are going to say things, Conner. I imagine my mom has some things to say, too.”
“We’ll handle it. We’re a family, Cassidy.” We hear my mom poking around in the kitchen, so he lifts his head. “The girls are going to love having a baby brother or sister.”
I sniffle, pretty sure pregnancy hormones are the reason I’m crying. Yeah, for sure. Pregnancy hormones. “Wait. Who is with the girls right now?”
“The three idiots from poker night have been helping out. And Deacon’s mom. And your mom.”
“My mom?”
“Yeah, she came over for a few hours this morning while I was at work to give Deacon’s mom a break.”