“Stop meddling,” I order. “We’re not some fucking reality show.”
“It’s been entertaining. It got better once you had to move to Baker’s Creek,” he confesses.
“Do you know why he did it?” I ask, and add, “Our father. Do you know why he shoved us together like that?”
He nods.
“Are you going to tell me?”
He laughs again. Fucker, he’s having a blast. “Have you thought that I might be just a figment of your imagination? A part of your psyche keeping you occupied, so you don’t have to face reality?”
“Are you telling me that you’re not a ghost from my past taking me away?”
“Why would I want to take you away?”
I scan my body, trying to find the wounds. Nothing. I healed, or my spirit doesn’t bring any injuries from the living world. “The last thing I can remember, I couldn’t feel my legs or arms. I might never walk or move again—if I make it,” I explain to him.
“And that makes you think I’ll take you?”
“If you needed to take one of us, who would it be? I bet it would be me.”
He smirks. “You’re still the most creative of us. I’m not the ripper, Beac.”
“Can I at least go say goodbye to G?” Fuck, I promised I wouldn’t let her go.
“Again, you’re not dying,” he insists.
“No?”
“Nah, Hayes is in the operating room barking orders. He’s good at that shit. You know what’s funny?”
“That I get to see your ugly face before I die?”
“Again, you’re not dying.” The fucker is persistent, or I can’t believe him for shit. There’s a reason I’m here. Carter looks at me and says something that almost makes me shiver—if I could feel. “Hayes is thinking, ‘Carter, find Beac and make sure he’s fine. We can’t lose him.’ Just the way he used to do when you were little.”
“Is that laying out the work before I see the light and shit?”
He shakes his head. “You still have a lot to do. Grace is waiting for you. You still have a long life with her, your children, and music. You heard the guys. They can’t lose another brother.”
“We miss you. I wish—”
“It was my time to leave. I don’t have any regrets. Life is about living it—it’s that simple. Don’t complicate it with useless shit. Tell our brothers I said that.” He pats my shoulder.
“They’re not going to believe me that I talked to you.”
“Probably not,” he confirms, looking at the horizon. “Henry will insist that it was a dream or whatever drug they gave you for the pain. Hayes is going to go all scientific on you and explain to you how your mind retreats into a place where it feels safe. Pierce will try to believe you, but he’ll have his doubts. After all, you lied to him for almost a year. Mills is going to say, ‘I hope you said hi to him.’ Vance might grunt, or he might tell you that yeah, he’s seen me a time or two.”
“Have you seen him?”
He nods. “He’s had his brushes with the afterlife too.”
“Blaire?”
“She’ll smile, look up and say, ‘Thank you for watching over the kid.’”
“Were you in love with her?
“Nope. I loved her, but not that way. She’s always going to be the person who saved me from a miserable ending.”
“I wish you could come back with me.” I pat his leg.
“Again, I’m with you when you need me. Plus, someone has to keep company with the old man.”
“He’s not in hell?” I ask, confused, surprised, and I even look around to see if I catch him.
“Who told you I’m in heaven?”
“I just—”
He chuckles. “The guy was human. A man who fucked up a lot. He didn’t know how to say fuck it, it’s my life. Just dig deeper. You might find some answers.”
“What he did—”
“He’s insane. I’m not excusing him, but it wasn’t only him. The adults who were in charge of us made a lot of mistakes. We paid the price. Our father died, regretting his life.”
“You forgave him after what happened when you were dying?”
He closes his eyes and nods. “In a way, he loved Mom enough to try to save her son. I let it go, and maybe you guys should let it go too. Forgive him.”
“So, your mom was the love of his life?”
He laughs.
“What did I say that’s funny?”
“I feel like I’m in the middle of a tactical interrogation.” He snorts. “You surprised the fuck out of everyone. It’s cool. You do you. Well, stop doing this double life shit.”
“I can’t. G won’t quit this life.”
“Her guy almost died. I’m sure she’ll do anything to ensure that you stick around longer. Your bandmates are there because they are loyal to you and Grace. But have you ever asked if they are happy doing it?”
I shake my head. If I get out of this one, I have to talk to them about it.
“It was cool when you were eighteen. Now, it might be time to retire.”
More like back then, it made sense to become a part of The Organization. I was good at it; G was going to be a part of it. The guys were going to be my team.
“I was great at football, and you didn’t see me joining the college team.”
“It’s not the only thing I do. Maybe I can change the way I do everything?”
“Just remember when you questioned if this was your future. There’s always an expiration date for some jobs. This might be yours, and today could be a big sign that all of you have to rethink your priorities. Music is your first love.”
“No, it’s Grace.”
“Grace is music, so it’s all the same,” he responds.
“You sound like a wise big brother I wish was still around.”
“There’s no do-over for me.” He gives me a sad smile. “There’s a second chance for you. It’s going to be fucking hard, but I trust you’ll do it without being an asshole.”
“This is it when I see the light?”
He laughs. “Yep, the bright fluorescent light in your room. Until then, enjoy the sunset.”
Chapter Forty-Four
Beacon
When I finally open my eyes, I can’t move. There’s a tube inside my mouth, machines beeping, and Hayes staring down at me.
“You’re the first patient I’ve had that’s opened his eyes when I said, ‘He should be waking up just about now,’” he says, smiling. “I’m going to get a nurse to pull the tube. Don’t try to talk, okay?”
I blink because what else can I do. I want to ask him about Grace. That’s when I feel someone squeezing my hand.
I feel her—her touch. I breathe, relieved that the numbness is gone. I try to move my neck, but I can’t. My eyes open wide.
“I immobilized you,” Hayes warns me.
So, this is how it ends?
“You have a long way to go. We repaired your whole fucking body. I assume that you can feel touch. That’s why you’re agitated, because you felt Grace squeezing your hand, but you can’t see her. Can you wiggle your fingers?”
I do as he says, and that’s when I hear her voice. “He can.”
Grace stands up and smiles at me, then kisses my forehead. “Hey, stranger.”
I try to smile, but the fucking tube doesn’t allow it.
“You had me worried.” She caresses my face with the back of her hand. She smirks. “I’m going to play nurse when you come home.”
She’s trying to be brave, making a joke, but I can see her worry, the sadness, and all the pain in her soul. I wish I could hug her, have her pressed against me.
A team of nurses arrives. Hayes says, “Sorry, Grace, you have to wait outside.”
She bends over and whispers, “Thank you for not letting go.”
I want to beg her not to leave me. A tear rolls down her cheek, and I wish I could wipe it away. I follow her with my gaze until the door closes behind her. They take out the tube, Hayes fe
eds me a few chips of ice and says, “Don’t try to speak just yet, okay.”
I take a deep breath, looking at him. I hope he says more than that.
“It’s been almost three weeks since the accident,” he starts. “We put you into a medically induced coma. There’s significant swelling of the brain. I wasn’t sure if you had any damage or how severe it was. The neurologist and I concluded that it’d be best to shut you down until your body began to heal. Now that you’re awake, we begin the healing part. It’s going to be hard, but you have a great team behind you.”
Is this what Carter meant?
The work I was going to have to put into the future. Am I never going to walk again?
“While you’ve been sleeping, we had the construction company build two extra rooms in the gym for your physical therapy. For now, we’re going to use the pool at The Lodge, but we have plans on building an indoor pool. We hired the therapists to come and help you. Will you walk again? Yes. Is it going to be hard? Yes.”
He puts a paper cup on my lips. “Okay, let’s try to swallow some water.”
I do as he says, and he smiles. “At least you can do the basics. Can you talk?”
“How long?” I ask. My voice is raspy, and my mouth still feels like I swallowed a bunch of sand.
He grins. “Good, you can speak.”
“Why do I feel like you weren’t sure if I would speak?”
“I had no idea if you had cerebral damage. We’re going to have to run several tests before you can go home. Maybe you’re all right,” he answers, “or you’re fucking fine. For all I know, you were faking it like the time you fell from the tree. This time you have a broken back and a few stitches.”
“I never faked it,” I tell him. “I swear, I fell, and then everyone was looking at me as if I had died.”
“You were unresponsive,” Hayes repeats. “I couldn’t feel you breathing.”
I roll my eyes. We’re never going to agree about that day, are we? “So, when can I move back home?”
“It’s going to be a slow process,” he says, touching my hand. “Can you feel this?”
“Stop pinching me, asshole!”
“I’m going to do it with all of your body. I need you to complain every time you feel it.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” We continue for a long time until I say, “Is this some kind of torture?”
“No, I just want to make sure there’s no nerve damage or paralysis.”
“You’d know if you’d release me from these weird needles that seem to be holding my body,” I complain. “Is this a doctor’s kink?”
He shakes his head. “Your brain functions seem to be the same.”
“Hey, you said it’s been almost three weeks. What’s going on with Blaire and your little spawn?”
“She hasn’t gone into labor yet,” he answers, taking my vitals. “I’m hoping that we can transport you to Baker’s Creek before the baby comes. If not, your in-law has a plane on standby for me.”
“Can I speak to Grace?”
“I’m almost done. There’s a long line of people waiting to see you, so make it fast. You can’t speak much, or you’ll get tired. Let’s see how many smart comments you have to keep to yourself.” He chuckles.
“Hey, were you asking Carter to take care of me?”
He looks at me weirdly and smiles. “Yeah, I told him to find you and stay with you while we saved you.”
“He did.”
Hayes closes his eyes for a second and says, “I fucking miss him.”
“I told him that too,” I assure him, then I add, “Thank you for saving me.”
“Anything for you, kid. I’m just glad you’re with us.” He squeezes my hand and leaves the room.
Grace comes back. Her eyes are red and puffy.
“You okay?”
“I am now.” She brushes her lips against mine.
“Don’t you think I deserve more than that?”
“The doctor said I have to be careful,” she explains, holding my face. “I was scared.”
“Because you thought I wouldn’t walk again?”
She shakes her head. “You were in a coma because he had no idea if there was brain damage. That could mean many things—I just can’t imagine a world without you, your voice, or your laugh.”
“I held on tight to your soul,” I say.
She gasps, touching her lips.
“What?”
“I…I said that while you were in surgery. Then I had a dream of you where you promised you’d never let go.”
“If I could, I would hug you.” I look at her, at her fading pink hair and her sad face. She’s hurting so fucking much, and I have no idea how to make it better.
She shrugs a shoulder. “I guess I’ll be the one hugging you until you’re better. That can be an incentive to make you work harder. You can hug me when you regain your strength.”
“I’ll do anything to have you back in my arms,” I tell her.
She scrunches her nose.
“What is it?”
“My family thought it’d be a good idea to tell your mom that you’re here,” she mumbles.
“Are there cameras outside filming her crying over her almost dead son?” I sigh, because the last thing I need is to have a show outside this room.
“No, it’s just her. She’s come every day to check on you. Unfortunately, she arrived when I went to the waiting room to give the good news to everyone.”
I remember what Carter told me. I have to let go of things. Forgive. Make things simpler for everyone—including her.
“What do you think?”
“I hate her,” she says. “But as I mentioned, she’s been dropping by daily to check on you. I’m not saying she’s the runner-up for the mother of the year, but she wants to see you, and maybe it’s a good idea.”
“Getting closure?”
“Something like that,” she explains.
“You know what I owe you?”
She smiles and shakes her head. “Nothing, I only need you.” She pauses. “Maybe we owe each other the rest of our lives.”
She kisses my lips. “You’re not supposed to talk much. Hayes might not be happy if you’re tired out by the time he comes to check on you.”
I want to remind her that I owe her a date. I want us to fall in love again. There’s a list we need to revisit. This time I listen to the advice because I can’t set back my recovery.
She kisses my nose. “Let me get your mother.”
I want to reach for her hand and ask her to stay. All I need is her.
Chapter Forty-Five
Beacon
When my mother enters the room, I expect the fashionable starlet who can’t leave her house without makeup, her long hair styled, and the latest fashion. The woman who enters wears yoga pants, a sweatshirt, and her light brown hair pulled into a ponytail.
She looks at me from head to toe and gasps. “They didn’t warn me. What happened to you?”
“I fell,” I answer vaguely.
“Yes, something about being on a stage and falling.” She waves her hand. “Maybe you should stop drinking before your concerts.”
“Why are you here?”
“I understand why you’re upset with me.” She sighs, pacing. I want to tell her that she fucking needs to stay in one place because I can’t move. “You’ve been dodging my calls.”
I stare at her. I’m definitely not wasting my energy on explaining to her why I’m not going to sing with her or approve her book. More so when I can’t even fucking move.
“I’m not the bad guy. I was young.” She stops, staring at me.
“That’s your excuse for leaving your eighteen-month-old child?” The machine begins to beep.
Hayes enters right away. “Is everything okay?”
I raise an eyebrow. He points at the monitors. “Your heart rate increased.” He then looks at my mother. “Please keep it simple and don’t upset him.”
He closes the door and leans aga
inst it.
“I need to speak to him.” She stares at Hayes.
He crosses his arms. “Well, either you talk while I’m here or your turn is over.”
“You were giving me your excuse,” I prompt her.
“I never had an excuse. I legitimately didn’t like children. When you were born, I didn’t know what to do with you,” she explains. “My parents said it was my problem. I had money to hire a nanny. I did. Your father didn’t like it.”
“You cared what my father thought?”
“Listen, I was a kid. A twenty-year-old woman who liked to date older men. They didn’t do drama like the guys my own age. They treated me like a queen. In my circle, the men my age were stupid idiots who liked to pass the joint and the women they fucked. William was different. He was in his thirties and handsome.”
“That’s your excuse? You were young. Why not just give me up?” I look at Hayes, who shrugs.
“William wanted you. I liked to please him. But the asshole disappeared on me often.” She gives me a wicked smile. “When he realized I had a nanny watching you, he tried to take you away from me.”
“Why not let me go with him?”
“Just because I didn’t want to change your diapers doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I do. You’re my kid.” She says it with conviction.
Hayes scratches his head. “It doesn’t make sense. So, you had a custody battle?”
“Your father served me with the papers. I hired a lawyer who researched everything about your dad. He found a way to keep my son.”
“How?” I ask.
“As you know, William had five mistresses and a wife,” she answers, eyeing Hayes. “Before we countered the custody request, my lawyer, my manager, and I made sure he got caught with you. It served him right. All the lies crumbled within a day.”
“It was you?” Hayes stares at her, not upset but more like confused. “Why?”
“The man had six women—seven children. If he had been honest from the beginning, I might’ve been okay with his polygamy, or not. He didn’t give me an option—he wanted to take my kid away from me.”
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