Slouch Witch

by Helen Harper

  Smythe bowed several times then shuffled his feet and twitched. ‘I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t have bothered you if it weren’t important. I was told to bring in Adeptus Diall for questioning.’ He was doing everything he could to distance himself from responsibility. It was a tactic I knew well.

  ‘And?’

  He licked his lips. ‘Maybe I should talk to Adeptus Winter on his own?’

  ‘Is that a question?’ the Ipsissimus snapped. ‘Because the answer is no. Tell us what the problem is.’

  Smythe took a shaky breath. ‘Well, I went to Adeptus Exemptus Diall’s home as instructed. Not just me, there were three of us from the Arcane office.’

  Dread snaked its way down my spine.

  ‘And?’

  Smythe seemed to shrink into himself. ‘He’s dead. Diall, I mean. It looks like he’s been stabbed.’

  ***

  During most of the journey to Diall’s home, Winter was silent. His face was a grim mask and the stiff way he held himself showed his tension. Truthfully, I felt same way. Maybe Diall had died whilst trying to master the more dangerous Cypher spells but I somehow doubted the Manuscripts rose up and shoved a knife into his heart.

  ‘How are you doing?’ Winter asked, as we pulled into a wide, leafy driveway leading up to Diall’s house.

  My fingers plucked at my sleeve. ‘I’m drying off,’ I said. ‘So that’s something.’

  ‘I meant are you going to be able to cope with what’s about to happen?’

  I knew he was referring to seeing Diall’s corpse. I might watch a lot of crime shows on television but real dead bodies would be far more gruesome and chilling than their fictional counterparts. Clever make-up on a breathing actor was one thing; a very dead witch was something else entirely.

  ‘What’s the alternative?’ I asked softly. ‘You have to go and check Diall’s body. The binding means that I have to investigate with you. I’ll have to cope.’

  ‘If it’s going to be too much, I can get a verbal report from one of the other Arcane Branch members. We can proceed without viewing the body.’

  Winter really was concerned about me. Given how seriously he took his job and how vital this investigation was, I was touched. ‘I’ll manage.’ I ran my tongue around my mouth. I could probably do with a stiff whisky first, though. ‘How many dead bodies have you had to deal with?’

  ‘Too many. A while back I worked with the police on Arcane secondment. There’s a lot of misery in this world, Ivy. Why do you think I do what I do?’

  This wasn’t the time for blithe remarks so I simply nodded and looked out of the window. Diall’s place was nice.

  We got out of the car and walked up to the couple standing at the entrance – one policeman and one witch. This was murder; there was no chance that the Order could avoid involving the coppers, but I had a feeling that the red robes were going to take the lead.

  The witch bobbed her head at Winter and murmured his name to the policeman. It was clear from the curious flicker in her eyes that she recognised me. She knew enough to keep her mouth shut. This wasn’t the time for gossip or pointless questions.

  My foot was barely over the threshold when I smelled it. If I thought I knew what death smelled like, I’d been sorely mistaken. Diall probably hadn’t been dead for long and still the reek was overpowering. The sewer had been a rose garden compared to the sour, faeces-ridden stench that now confronted me.

  There were Arcane Branch witches all over the place. They acknowledged Winter and ignored me. That was fine. We weren’t even in the same room as Diall’s corpse yet and already I felt like throwing up. Holding a conversation with anyone, even just saying my name, seemed like a step too far.

  I breathed in through my mouth. I could do this; I didn’t want Winter to think I was a complete wuss – even if I was.

  We were directed into the kitchen. It was a cook’s delight, with a marble-topped island, copper pans hanging from the ceiling in a neat row and a view out towards the sunny garden. It would have been a beautiful room if it weren’t for the dead body lying askew on the tiled floor. Winter walked over to him and knelt down. I told myself not to start heaving and edged over to join him, although I remained standing and wrapped my arms round my body.

  There was no doubt what had killed Diall: the large kitchen knife protruding from his chest was a dead giveaway. There was an incredible amount of blood splattered over the pristine kitchen cabinets as well as pooling underneath the body. Diall’s hands lay by his side; he was not clutching the knife as I might have expected. His head lay to the side but I could still see the scream on his face. And his eyes were wide open.

  I gulped and took a step back. Focus on Winter, I told myself. He’s the expert here.

  I watched as he examined Diall. He didn’t touch the body but his eyes roved over every aspect of it. He paused as he looked at the mortal wound and studied the knife from all angles. He also took his time over Diall’s face until I wondered whether he was willing the corpse to open its mouth and start speaking.

  ‘I don’t suppose you know necromancy?’ a plain-clothes police officer enquired, half-jokingly.

  Half the witches in the room sighed. I guess they got asked that a lot. Yes, necromancy was theoretically possible but no one in living memory had been able to master it. It was well known that even just attempting necromancy could consume a person, body and soul if you didn’t get it right. Ironically, I was fairly certain that the ability was described at length in the Cypher Manuscripts. Not in the missing Volume 9, though.

  Winter merely grunted. He stood up and circled the body a few times, making sure he didn’t tread on any vital piece of evidence. When he was done, he beckoned the police officer. ‘The murder weapon,’ he said. ‘Is it from here?’

  The officer nodded. ‘As far as we can tell. There’s a missing knife from the block on the counter.’

  So we could assume that this wasn’t a premeditated murder; it had been the result of circumstance – unless the killer knew Diall’s kitchen well and had planned to use one of Diall’s own knives against him.

  ‘Was he married?’ My voice was weak and thready, barely audible to anyone but Winter. I cleared my throat and tried again. ‘Adeptus Diall,’ I said. ‘Was he married? Did he have a partner?’ Most murders were committed by someone the victim was already close to. Considering the circumstances, it was unlikely that a jealous spouse had done this to him but it was worth asking.

  The police officer shook his head. ‘Divorced. We checked on his ex-wife. She’s been living in Spain for the past three years. We’re sending the local police round to her villa but we think we can rule her out.’ He glanced at me. ‘She’s not one of yours.’ Probably not a witch then. That was unusual but not necessarily suspect.

  ‘Have we uncovered anything?’ Winter asked, addressing the other witches.

  The nearest one shook his head. ‘Unsurprisingly Adeptus Exemptus Diall had strong wards in place. No spell we can use will work here.’

  Typical. Bloody Order witches and their desire for security. It seemed to bite them all back in the end.

  ‘There are no fingerprints except for those of Mr Diall and his housekeeper,’ the policeman said.

  ‘Adeptus Exemptus Diall,’ Winter growled.

  I rolled my eyes. Even now, he remained a stickler for Order protocol. While the policeman bristled, I jumped in to fill the gap. ‘Has anyone found any, um, papers?’

  One of the witches said, ‘There’s the Daily Express.’

  ‘Uh, no, I mean magical papers.’ I ignored Winter’s frown. If Diall had taken the missing Cypher Manuscripts either they were here or his murderer had left with them.

  The witch pursed her lips. ‘Nothing beyond what you’d expect. A few interesting treatise on the workings of Myomancy but nothing unusual.’ Her eyes grew sharp. ‘Why?’

  Winter coughed. ‘On the way here Ms Wilde was wondering whether a layman might have broken in to steal some magical artefacts or books.’r />
  ‘We can’t say for sure whether anything is missing but nobody appears to have rifled through his possessions. There are no obvious gaps on his shelves.’ She paused. ‘We did find this, however.’ She held out a piece of paper in her gloved hands.

  I glanced down, confused. It just looked like random numbers to me.

  ‘It’s the…’

  ‘Coordinates for the library,’ Winter finished. He pointed towards the last few numbers. ‘And here, minus three at the end.’ He pressed his lips together.

  ‘That could mean three levels down,’ the witch interjected helpfully. She flipped the paper over and I realised it was a picture of the sceptre. I drew in a sharp breath. As usual, Winter didn’t react but he had to be thinking the same as me.

  ‘And herbs?’ Winter asked. ‘Any sign of what magic he might have been working on?’

  She shrugged. ‘Some brimstone and foxglove. There are some more jars in his office but we’ve not had a chance to look at them properly yet.’

  Diall’s corpse took that opportunity to let out what I can only describe as a massive belch. I yelped and jumped, banging into Winter’s hard body. He reached out an arm to steady me. ‘That’s quite normal,’ he assured me.

  Normal? Ickity ick ick. ‘I’ll have a look through his office and see what’s there,’ I said hastily.

  A faint smile settled on his lips. ‘Good idea.’ He turned back to the others and started asking more questions.

  I darted out of the kitchen, pausing only to ask a red robe where the office was. My shirt felt tight and uncomfortable and I was sure that Diall’s heating was turned all the way up. On the plus side, I’d kept the contents of my stomach where they belonged so things could have been worse.

  Diall’s office was like a cupboard. It was crammed full of books and papers and, although there was a desk, the place was cramped and dingy. I sat down on his chair and contemplated where my life had gone wrong. This time last week I was driving happily around the streets of Oxford dropping off old ladies and businessmen. I sighed. Being a key part of a murder investigation was not what I’d dreamed of.

  I ran my eyes along the shelves but nothing caught my attention. There was no flashing neon sign pointing towards the stolen Volume 9. I leant back and fiddled with the drawers. The first one contained a set of quills and a stained inkwell. The second was filled with small glass jars of dried herbs. Interested from a purely professional standpoint, I rifled through them. Some looked more than slightly past their sell by date. Helpfully, Diall had labelled each one – and they were in alphabetical order. Musk. Myrtle. Nettle. Oak blossom. Ossombe root. Parsley.

  I froze and went back for a second look. Ossombe root. I lifted up the jar and stared at it. The jar contained three or four ounces of dried brown stuff. I unscrewed the lid and took a quick whiff. Well, it was certainly pungent.

  It didn’t seem relevant to the investigation that Diall had this particular herb in his possession and he certainly didn’t need it any more. I placed the jar on the top of the desk and looked at it. It wouldn’t be missed. I weighed up my options then, without thinking about it any further, shoved it in my pocket. It would be good to be free from the Order – and it would certainly be good to be free from Winter and his tiresome work ethic.

  Right?

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘Diall has to have taken the Manuscript. And hidden the sceptre.’

  ‘Of the sceptre, we can be almost certain,’ Winter replied. ‘But of the Manuscript, there’s no actual proof, although it does seem the likeliest scenario. It’s definitely not at his house though.’

  ‘How about his office at the Order?’

  ‘The Ipsissimus has people searching it right now.’

  I gnawed on my bottom lip. ‘Do they know what they’re looking for?’

  Winter ran a hand through his hair. ‘They will if they find it.’

  And if they didn’t find it, the Order were going to have to tell the world that it was missing. They couldn’t keep something like that hidden for long. Instead of pointing out the obvious, I focused on something else which had been bugging me. ‘You didn’t like Diall, did you?’ I said quietly.

  He pursed his lips. ‘For someone who professes not to care about the Order, you certainly pay attention.’

  I didn’t comment. It might be entirely irrelevant to our case but I still wanted to know the reason behind Winter’s antipathy for his now dead colleague.

  He sighed. ‘Second Level witches like myself are involved in the recruitment and promotion of others. For example, we sit on the board that decides whether witches like your neighbour are permitted to move into the next Level. Obviously the Third Level members have the final say but our opinions still carry weight. Adeptus Exemptus Diall had a bad habit of speaking up for those whose skills were not always up to par. I’ve been pushing to launch an investigation into his machinations for quite some time.’

  I was intrigued. ‘Why would Diall do something like that? If he recommended someone who couldn’t do the job, it would surely come back to bite him in the arse.’

  ‘I have a theory.’ Winter fell silent.

  I waited for him to elaborate further; when he didn’t, I prodded him. ‘Well? What’s your theory?’

  ‘It’s moot now.’

  ‘You don’t know that.’

  ‘I have no desire to speak ill of the dead. Or of a fellow witch.’ Winter’s manner was stiff and unyielding. No, that wasn’t going to work.

  ‘Winter,’ I said, ‘this might have something to do with our investigation.’

  He snorted. ‘Unlikely.’

  ‘You’re too close to the subject matter because you’re emotionally involved. You need an objective ear.’

  ‘As much as you enjoy objecting, Ivy, I don’t think it could ever be said that you’re objective.’

  The blue-eyed one certainly had a way with words. ‘Go on. I won’t tell anyone.’ I crossed my fingers and held them up to prove it. ‘I promise.’

  Winter muttered something under his breath. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘Diall was ambitious.’ He said it with a flourish, as if it would explain everything.

  ‘Er, I hate to break it to you, but just about every Order witch is ambitious.’

  Winter rolled his eyes at my inability to understand his point. ‘He was encouraging lesser members into positions they shouldn’t have held so that in the future they would be more likely to support him in return.’ He paused. ‘Or so I believe. Adeptus Exemptus Diall could be very persuasive when he wanted to be.’

  I considered this. ‘So couldn’t one of those so-called lesser members have killed him?’

  ‘Why would you bite the hand that feeds you?’

  ‘Because,’ I said softly, repeating my earlier point, ‘every Order witch is ambitious.’ I skipped round him to avoid a ladder propped up against the wall of my building.

  Winter’s mouth twitched. ‘It’s a possibility,’ he finally conceded.

  ‘Ha ha! You see? I can do this.’ I stretched out my arms. ‘I can be an investigator extraordinaire.’

  ‘It’s a theory. And not a very plausible one either.’ Winter stopped walking for a moment. ‘It’s important not to believe too strongly in any one idea without concrete evidence. Otherwise you start looking for evidence to fit the theory rather than the other way around. There are no shortcuts in this line of work. And ambition isn’t a bad thing. The desire to succeed and do better is what drives society forward.’

  ‘Not everyone can be Ipsissimus. What drives society forward is having a strong backbone of people willing to do the jobs that their leaders don’t want to dirty their hands with.’

  ‘Like driving taxis?’ he asked drily.

  ‘Okay, maybe not that. I was thinking more like cleaners and binmen and herb collectors. Those sorts of jobs, although people do need to be able to get around when they need to. But you have to see what I mean.’

  ‘I do,’ he answered. ‘But you have to see what I
mean too.’ He opened the main door and held it for me while I ducked inside.

  I wrinkled my nose. ‘Yeah, okay, I suppose I do.’ I glanced at him and smiled. ‘Look at us,’ I marvelled. ‘Next we’ll be skipping along hand in hand.’ I turned left for the lift while Winter went immediately for the stairs. Oh well, you couldn’t have everything.

  We re-grouped upstairs then walked into Eve’s flat. Although Bell End and Alice barely stirred, Princess Parma Periwinkle and Harold sprang apart. It looked to me as if they’d only been grooming each other but I couldn’t be sure. I reckoned Brutus would be pretty annoyed if he knew. That was until he emerged yawning and looking pretty darned self-satisfied from behind a nearby cushion. Alrighty.

  Winter looked from the cats to me and back again. We shared a moment of amusement and then got to work. I went for Bell End while Winter focused on Alice.

  ‘How’s it hanging?’ I enquired. Bell End glared at me. I smiled, entirely without humour. ‘Let me guess. You want to be freed immediately. This has all been a terrible misunderstanding.’

  Winter loosened Alice’s gag. ‘Would you like something to drink?’

  She licked her lips. ‘Just let us go.’

  ‘We’ve been to see your boss,’ I told Bell End. His eyes flew up to mine. My smile grew. ‘I thought that would get your attention.’

  ‘Did you tell him about us?’ Alice demanded. ‘Does he know we’re here?’

  ‘Unfortunately not,’ Winter replied. ‘On account of the fact that he’s dead.’

  While Winter studied Alice’s reaction, I did the same to Bell End. He appeared momentarily alarmed then he relaxed, as if he’d decided that we were lying.

  ‘It’s true,’ I told him softly. ‘Look into my eyes. You’ll be able to tell.’

  ‘Was it you?’ Alice asked. ‘Did you kill him?’ To her credit, there wasn’t so much as a quiver in her voice.