‘We’ve already had the cops here and I reckon that’s your fault.’ The door opened a crack. ‘Get lost or you’ll be sorry...’
For some time after that, they rode around the streets, slowing to check shadowy doorways or lanes and stopping when they saw a figure walking alone or hunched on a park bench. It grew later. And colder. Kelly could feel the tension mounting as the realisation sank in that they were looking for a needle in a haystack, trying to find a single teenaged girl in a city of millions of people. There were lines on Ari’s face she’d never seen before and he was so focused on his search he didn’t even meet her eyes or seem to hear things she said.
It was a tacit acknowledgment that their efforts were futile when Ari finally took Kelly back to her flat. He took his helmet off to talk to her when she’d climbed off the back but he stayed sitting astride the bike as if he wanted to be ready to take off at a moment’s notice.
Kelly wanted so badly to try and reassure him. Even if the only thing she could do was to hold him and keep him company.
‘Come in. I’ll make some coffee.’
‘Nah... I’m going to keep looking for a while. Then I’ll go back and see how Mum is.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘I’ve already arranged time off work.’ Ari still wasn’t meeting her gaze. ‘You’ve got an early shift tomorrow and there’s no point staying up all night anyway. Like the police said, if she doesn’t want to be found, it’s going to be difficult.’
‘She’ll come back,’ Kelly told him. ‘I’m sure of it.’
‘Why would she? She’s as upset as any of us and she blames me. She said it wouldn’t have happened if I’d been at home and she’s right. I would have flattened that bastard before he got anywhere near Mum.’
‘I know.’ The words were hard to get out. She did know just how protective Ari would have been. She also knew that the reason Ari hadn’t been at home was because he’d been with her. In her bed. Making love to her that second time... He was blaming himself now. Was he blaming her as well?
‘I knew how she felt and I ignored it,’ Ari said softly. Finally, he did meet her gaze and the pain she could see in his eyes was unbearable. ‘This is more my fault than hers. ‘Do you remember—that first time you came to dinner?’
Kelly nodded. Of course she remembered. ‘It was when Peggy gave me my first knitting lesson.’
And when Stacey had totally dismissed the idea of her being Ari’s girlfriend but she’d known that Peggy was hoping something was going to happen between them—almost as much as Kelly was?
‘I almost didn’t invite you,’ Ari admitted. ‘I knew I shouldn’t get any closer to you because...well, because I can’t do long term and you deserve better than a relationship that isn’t going anywhere but, more than that, I knew I owed it to Mum and Stacey not to get involved with someone who was going to distract me from what I’d come back to London for in the first place—to look after Mum. I didn’t know Stacey was in trouble but, as soon as I did, I had to look out for her as well.’
‘Of course you did. They’re your family.’ Kelly was still holding her helmet in her arms. Hugging it when she would far rather be hugging Ari.
‘I knew how attracted I was,’ he continued. ‘But I actually believed that we could be friends. I knew that was how it had to be because Stacey reminded me that night. She was really sulky and let me know that it was because she thought you were my girlfriend. And I reassured her. I said, “As if I’ve got time for a girlfriend when I’ve got you and Mum to look after at the moment.”’
Kelly was biting her bottom lip now. So hard that it hurt. She’d played her own part in all of this. She’d wanted more than friendship. She’d wanted Ari to kiss her that first time so badly that when it hadn’t happened, the disappointment had been crushing. She’d wanted it all.
She still did, but she could feel it disappearing. Being gently but irrevocably being taken away from her.
‘We can’t be “just friends”, can we?’ I can’t be anywhere near you, Kel, without wanting more. Without it messing with my head so much it’s too hard to think of anything else. Well...work’s okay...’ He met her gaze for a heartbeat and there was even a hint of a smile on his face. ‘Better than okay, really, because when I’m working with you, it feels like I can do more than I ever could on my own.’
Kelly was nodding. ‘I know. I feel the same way.’
Ari’s breath came out in an audible sigh. ‘Yeah...we make an amazing team but, out of work, it’s a different story. For me anyway. If we’d been able to keep our hands off each other, I would have got home in time to make sure this never happened. It shouldn’t have happened.’ The anger in his tone was chilling. ‘None of it.’
Kelly’s throat was so tight it was hard to take a breath. Or to release any more words but they came out anyway. Because she had to know.
‘Including me?’ Her voice cracked. ‘Us?’
He held her gaze properly this time and there was no way on earth Kelly could have broken it.
‘I’ve never asked for relationships in my life,’ Ari said quietly. ‘Never expected them. Not after my mother just dumped me and walked out. I never wanted them, I guess, because I knew how they ended. But Peggy just happened and so did Stacey and it feels like I had no choice but to love them—as if the love had always been there for me to find, or something. I have to be there for them and, to do that, I can’t be with you. I’m sorry... You’re the last person I’d ever want to hurt.’
Or maybe not the last person because there were others who were more important? But Kelly could see the turmoil in those dark eyes—the agony of the loss of his mum that he might be facing, anger for a foster sister he’d held when she was just a newborn baby, that was confused by a compassion he couldn’t banish and...and just pain. Even if he loved her as much as she knew she loved him, he had to push her away, didn’t he? Because there were others that he felt responsible for. People he cared about who had been in his life a lot longer than she had. She had to respect that.
And, because Kelly loved him that much, she could do the one thing that help him at the moment. She could let him go and make at least this part of the mess easier to fix.
‘It’s okay, Ari,’ she said softly. ‘It’s going to be okay.’
‘How?’
‘You’ll find Stacey. You can do what you came back for and look after your mum and you don’t need to let anything else interfere with that. Maybe, one day, we can be just friends...’ Kelly handed Ari her helmet. She needed to get away. To duck down the steps to her flat and out of sight before she started crying. ‘If that’s something we both want.’
This was unbearable. There were echoes from the past that were trying to gain head space. Darryn’s voice...
‘You’re a useless lump... Waste of time... Dunno what I ever saw in you in the first place...’
She had already turned away when Ari said something so she couldn’t be quite sure what she’d heard but if it was agreement about wanting some kind of relationship in the future, it sounded too tentative to be of any comfort.
‘Maybe...one day...’
CHAPTER TEN
BEING NOTHING MORE than friends didn’t mean you weren’t allowed to care.
Kelly’s priority the next day, at the first opportunity she had with a break in her shift, was to visit Peggy in a ward of Kensington Hospital where she’d been admitted for observation and further assessment of her traumatic injuries. It was no surprise to find Ari sitting by her bed, holding his mum’s hand, even though she appeared to be asleep, but it was almost overwhelming to find how hard this was going to be—to let Ari go like this. To step back and turn away from a love that she could feel burning in every cell of her body.
He looked as if he’d slept even less than she had last night. Paler than normal skin made his eyes look almost black and the knot of hair
high on the back of his head was messy enough to have fronds escaping on all sides. Kelly could see—or perhaps feel—the tension in his body, even though he smiled at her as she came into the private room Peggy had been given. What she wanted, more than anything, was to walk straight into his arms and just hold him as tightly as she could for a few seconds, to let him know how much her heart was aching for him and that she could be by his side for every moment of this ordeal if it would help.
It wouldn’t help, though, would it? Their being together was the reason Ari was blaming himself for the terrible thing that had happened to Peggy. He had let down the most important person in his life in the worst way possible and she knew Ari well enough to understand that he had to take control somehow now and put things right. That he had to care for the people he loved. And she loved him enough to let that happen, even if it meant that she might lose him for ever.
He didn’t meet her gaze for more than a heartbeat as he offered her that smile of welcome. His attention shifted almost instantly and it was obvious it was slipping straight back to where it had been, probably for many hours—to Peggy’s face.
‘How is she?’ Kelly kept her voice low. Rest was going to be vital for Peggy’s physical healing. Having Ari by her side would be equally vital for her emotional healing but how hard was it going to be to get over such an appalling attack? In her own home and when she had been with someone she deserved to be able to trust?
‘There’s no sign of a significant head injury and she doesn’t seem to have suffered any internal injuries from the fall but they’re going to keep a careful eye on her for a day or two.’ Ari rubbed his forehead with his free hand and his voice was raw. ‘She was only just starting to heal from the surgery.’
‘I know...’ Kelly swallowed the lump in her throat.
‘They caught him. The police came in this morning.’ Ari sounded as if it didn’t really matter now. ‘He was out on the streets, trying to sell the tramadol he’d nicked. He’s been arrested. He probably won’t be out of prison and able to hurt anyone else for a very long time.’
Maybe it didn’t actually matter so much to Ari now because the damage had already been done to someone who was precious to him. Damage he should have been able to prevent. If anybody could take any blame for this atrocity, it had to be Stacey, but Ari felt responsible for her as well, didn’t he? He probably had, to some degree, ever since he’d held her when she’d been a tiny, vulnerable baby having a rough start in life. And Kelly couldn’t begrudge the place the troubled teenager had in his life. It was one of the things she loved about him, after all—that extraordinary ability to love and protect. The quality of being someone you could trust with your life.
And your heart...if he let you get that close.
‘Have they found Stacey, too?’
Ari shook his head. ‘No sign of her.’
As if she’d heard the whispered name, Peggy’s eyelids fluttered.
‘Stacey?’
‘No sign yet, Ma.’ Ari leaned closer to rest the backs of his fingers gently on Peggy’s cheek. ‘Try not to worry, yeah? They’ll find her. I’ll go back out to look again later, too, when I know you’re going to get some proper sleep. I’ll pop home first. Who knows? Maybe she’s there and tucked up in her own bed again.’
‘Oh...’ Peggy still hadn’t opened her eyes. ‘Go now, Ari. Please...go and check...’
‘Soon. I’m not going anywhere just yet. I’ve got all the time I need away from work. I’m not leaving you.’
‘I’m on the road all day,’ Kelly added. ‘I’ll be looking out for Stacey, too. I’ve already put the word out for any other ambulance officers to help. It’s a good thing that she’s so easy to recognise with that hair of hers.’
‘Oh...’ Peggy opened her eyes properly as her head turned towards Kelly. ‘You’re here too, lovey. I’m so pleased about that...’
‘I had to come and see how you were.’ Kelly stepped closer to the bed. ‘I’m so, so sorry this has happened to you, Peggy.’ The threat of tears muffled her words and Kelly could feel a stab of the horrible guilt that she knew Ari was struggling with right now—that she had been in his arms, in blissful ignorance, happier than she’d ever been in her life, while this unthinkable attack had happened to the sweetest old woman she had ever met.
‘It’s not the worst thing in the world.’ Peggy’s voice had a wobble in it. ‘I’m more worried about our Stacey and that baby of hers. And you,’ she added, turning back to Ari. ‘You’ve got to stop blaming yourself, love. This isn’t your fault.’ Her head sank back into the pillow and her eyes were closing. ‘Thank goodness you’ve got Kelly. She’ll look after you...’
Except that Ari didn’t want to be looked after. He was the one who looked after others and nothing was going to be allowed to interfere with that any more.
Kelly could almost feel the wall between them and she suddenly realised why his relationships had never lasted. He was the person who could be needed, and relied on, and he would always be there for the people who’d captured his heart, like Peggy and Stacey. But he would never willingly become the needy one, relying on someone else, where you could have your own trust—and your heart—shattered.
Her heart ached for the small boy he’d once been, when that ability to trust had been ripped away when his mother had abandoned him. And it ached even more for the beautiful man he was now, but she couldn’t push any closer in emotional terms at the moment because she knew it would only make him run harder and faster and then she might lose sight of him for ever.
Even if...and possibly entirely due to the fact that he felt the connection between them as much as Kelly did. Perhaps he actually loved her already but couldn’t admit it. Because it made him too vulnerable? It wasn’t possible to force someone to trust you. Maybe Peggy was the only person on earth that Ari would ever trust to that degree. He was facing the loss of something incredibly precious but Kelly couldn’t offer him any comfort because being too close would only make it harder for him.
She bent to place a very gentle kiss on Peggy’s cheek. ‘I’ll be back to see you later,’ she said. ‘Rest and get better, okay?’
Ari looked up as she straightened and, for a brief moment that seemed to stretch for ever, the silent communication encompassed everything that had been running through Kelly’s mind. The guilt and the fear of loss, the trauma of the past that made it impossible to trust, the need to care for others and...there seemed to be a heartfelt apology there as well.
It felt like a goodbye and it left a haunting note that stayed with Kelly as her afternoon wore on with call after call to people needing help from the ambulance service. To make it even harder it seemed that fate was making sure that every job had something about it that made her think of the new, significant people in her life. A cyclist had been clipped by a car not far from the charity shop where she’d bought those balls of wool—and seen Stacey being abused by her boyfriend. The elderly lady who was struggling for breath because her heart failure had taken a turn for the worse had silver hair just like Peggy’s and there was something about the way that young father was holding his baby in his arms on her last call for the day that reminded her so much of that photo of Ari holding Stacey as a baby.
Except it wasn’t quite her last call for the day. The febrile seizure that had terrified the baby’s father had not been repeated but Kelly had called for back-up to take them to hospital for further assessment, monitoring and much-needed reassurance. Her radio crackled as she headed back to her station.
‘Rover One, please respond to call for back-up from police. You’re the closest unit to the bridge on Campbell Road, south of Kensington Hospital. Person threatening to jump.’
Kelly hit the switch to start her beacons flashing. She blipped her siren as well, to warn traffic as she made a U-turn and then sped towards the bridge. Following the theme of her afternoon, this job was also going to remind h
er of Ari because the area beneath that bridge was one of the places they had gone to last night to search for Stacey. A bridge that had high steel curves on either side. If someone had climbed up to the top of the curve, they could fall onto the roadway instead of the river, which would be un-survivable. Kelly could feel the tension increasing rapidly as she neared the bridge to see the flashing lights of police cars blocking traffic from using the bridge.
Worse, she recognised the silhouette of one of the police officers standing by his car, his feet planted wide and his arms folded as he formed part of the barricade. Darryn. The last person she wanted to see anywhere but particularly today when she was already feeling the loss so poignantly of what might have been with Ari. Clearly Darryn didn’t feel the same antipathy.
‘Hey, Cowbell. Can’t stay away from me, huh?’
Kelly ignored him, walking past to find whoever was in charge of this scene. She was looking up and her heart sank as she saw that someone had, indeed, climbed up the latticework of steel. They weren’t near the top but they were still high enough for a fall to be potentially fatal, whether it was into the river or onto the roadway.
‘Don’t go too close, darling.’ Darryn’s voice was teasing enough to be uncomfortably familiar but the undertone was anything but affectionate. ‘She might take one look at you and decide to jump. Two for the price of one, there, too.’
‘What?’ Kelly’s head swerved. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Darryn tapped the side of his head. ‘Thought you were smarter than that, Cowbell. The driver that called this in saw her start climbing. She’s got a bun in the oven.’
Kelly was shading her eyes with her hand, trying to see into the fading daylight against the over-bright lights of emergency vehicles around her. Maybe there wasn’t enough light to see hair colour or the bump of a pregnant belly but Kelly’s heart took another dive as she reached for her phone. She just knew that this was Stacey.
The Paramedic's Unexpected Hero Page 14