by Jackie D.
“I don’t know. That won’t be up to me. That will be up to the CIA, just like it was before this went down,” Tyler said carefully. She didn’t want Emma to misconstrue her words as condescending. “Emma, they weren’t giving us an option as to whether or not we were going. It was an order.”
Emma pushed her chair away from the table. “Fine. If you want to give me any more orders, I’ll be over at the hospital unit.” She walked out before Tyler could respond.
Caden watched her leave and then turned her attention back to Brooke and Tyler. “I don’t blame her. I think it’s wrong to leave Prey here. Germany maybe, at one of our bases, but here? How do we know Nikolai won’t get to her somehow?”
Tyler shared their feelings, but it wasn’t her job to make these calls. “Look, Estonia shares a literal border with Russia. The longer we’re here, the more we risk ourselves, and the people here. Everyone will be safer the sooner we’re gone, including Dylan, and he most likely thinks she’s dead anyway. It doesn’t matter what any of us think. They’re bringing us back. It’s not up to us.”
Tyler didn’t like this part of the job. She hated having to disappoint members of her team, and she hated leaving one of them behind even more. The wheels of the government left microscopic room for human compassion or understanding. The powers that be had one single focus and that was getting O’Brien back into the States before anything could derail the effort. She understood it to an extent, but it didn’t make it any easier.
* * *
Dylan could hear the machines beeping. Well, you’re not dead. At least she hoped not. It would be a cruel joke to create an afterlife that beeped at you incessantly. She tried to move, and a wave a pain enveloped her body. No, definitely not dead. She managed to open her eyes, the harsh light of the room making her want to shut them again. She must have moaned because someone was stroking her face immediately after.
“Dylan. Try not to move too much. There’re a ton of lines hooked up to you,” Emma said.
Dylan was so relieved to hear her voice that she almost cried. “Emma? How long have I been here?”
Emma rubbed the top of Dylan’s hand with her thumb. “You got here about twelve hours ago. You took a pretty nasty shot through your shoulder. You were lucky, though; it didn’t hit anything major.”
“Did we get her? Did we get O’Brien? Did Nikolai escape?” Dylan’s throat was dry, and she was consumed by the need for water. She pointed to the plastic cup next to her bed.
Emma held the cup and put the straw in her mouth. “Yeah, we got her. She’s in a holding cell now. A Marine is with her, and we’re waiting for transport out of here. No one is sure where Nikolai is right now.”
Emma took the straw away too soon, but she didn’t have the energy to fight her. “Where am I? Germany?”
Emma stroked her face. “Right now, you’re in Estonia. Your injury was too serious to go any farther, and there was an emergency med base here. When you’re stable enough, they’ll send you to Germany.”
Dylan nodded and then regretted it. The motion made her head pound and she felt dizzy. “Is everyone else okay?” She didn’t think she’d be able to stay awake much longer, but she needed the basics.
“Everyone is fine. You need to get some sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Dylan let the words settle in her mind as she drifted back into the darkness.
When Dylan woke next, it wasn’t only Emma sitting by her bed. The team was waiting, and Dylan could tell by the bags in the corner that they were there to say good-bye. She must have been administered more painkillers because now where there was once excruciating pain, there was only an obnoxious throbbing.
Dylan tried to sit up, but Emma put her hand out. “Let me help you.” Emma helped her shift in her bed so she felt more like a human being.
Caden leaned over her, pretending to inspect her face. “Yeah, I’m still better looking than you.”
Dylan tried to laugh, but the burning in her chest wouldn’t allow it. “You wish, Styles.” She put her hand over Caden’s. “Thank you for saving my ass. I owe you.”
Caden squeezed her hand. “You don’t owe me anything, except maybe a beer or two.”
Dylan managed a half smile. “Take care of Jennifer. She’s too good for you.”
Caden laughed and moved aside for Brooke. Brooke kissed Dylan’s forehead. “I’m sorry we have to leave. Thank you for everything. Please let us know when you’re safe.”
“I will,” Dylan said. She felt tears forming in her eyes and was surprised by the sudden onslaught of emotions. She’d never grown attached to anyone she’d worked with. Not to this extent, anyway.
Tyler was furiously writing on a piece of paper. When she finished, she put it on the table next to Dylan. “I wish we could see this through with you. None of us want to leave you here—”
“Orders,” Dylan interrupted.
Tyler nodded. “Yeah. There’s all our contact info.” She pointed to the note on the table. “Whenever you’re able, please keep in touch.” She patted the top of her hand and then ushered Caden and Brooke out of the room, leaving Dylan with Emma.
Emma pulled up the chair and sat next to her bed.
“Don’t you need to go?”
Emma took her hand. “I’m not leaving you. I’ll find my own way back to the States. I don’t care if the NSA fires me.”
The words were like a warm fuzzy blanket. Emma had been the only thing she thought of when she’d known her time was up. All she’d wanted was to be touched and loved by Emma. When she’d woken up the first time and saw her sitting there, she’d known she wanted to wake up to Emma every day. She also knew that wasn’t possible.
Dylan pulled her hand away, and it almost broke her heart when she saw the look in Emma’s eyes. “You have to go with them. You’re part of their team. You need to go back to the States and get debriefed.”
“I don’t care about any of that. I need to stay with you, to make sure you’re okay.”
Dylan gritted her teeth, attempting to keep the tears at bay. “You can’t stay with me. It’s not safe. We don’t know how much Nikolai knows or where he is. And as soon as I’ve recovered, I’ll have to disappear. The CIA will assign me somewhere new, change my identity. Nothing has changed, Emma.”
“I’ll change mine too. No one is better at hacking than me. I’m not going to leave you, Dylan. I just found you. Then I almost lost you. I can’t do that again.”
Despite her best efforts, Dylan felt the hot tears stream down her cheeks. “We’ll be much easier to find if there’s two of us. I can’t put you in that kind of danger. I won’t risk you.”
Emma’s face went through a series of emotions, finally settling on anger. “So what? That’s it? You’re done with me?”
“It’s what’s best for both of us. It’s not what I want, but it’s what we have to do. I can’t ask you to wait around for what could be years. I never wanted to hurt you, but we knew the choice we were making. Now we don’t have one.” Dylan heard how clichéd her words sounded and hated herself for saying them. Emma deserved more, but she didn’t have anything to give.
Tears were streaming down Emma’s cheeks, but she wasn’t sobbing. Her face was like stone, her expression set. “There’s always a choice, Dylan. Is this yours?”
Dylan closed her eyes because she couldn’t bear to see the look on Emma’s face. “Yes.”
She didn’t open them again until she heard the door shut. Dylan covered her mouth, a sob falling from her lips. She’d just watched the only woman she’d ever really cared about walk out the door. The pain was far worse than any gunshot wound she’d ever have to endure. This would be an injury she’d never recover from. The mark that Emma had left on her heart was far greater than any scar she’d ever have.
Chapter Thirty-two
Emma reached over to the table next to her bed and turned off her alarm. She pushed herself upright and forced her legs to carry her into her bathroom. She turned the showe
r on and stepped into the cold spray. She didn’t bother waiting for it to get warm. It was the same thing every single morning since she’d returned to the States eight weeks ago. She’d wake at the same time, to the same alarm, and take the same cold shower. She’d drink from the same coffee pot and eat the same yogurt. Every day, she’d wake up with the same hole burning in her chest, the only proof she had of Dylan’s existence in her life.
Dylan had contacted Tyler and Brooke to let them know she was in Germany, and then again when she was leaving. Emma only knew about it because she heard the whispered conversations between her friends, neither of whom wanted to upset her by saying Dylan’s name. She’d spent the first several weeks back barely able to function. She got through work and did her tasks, but just barely. She’d done the debrief in a daze, the weight of her grief making it hard to tell the story. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something had been stolen from her. The part she couldn’t let go of was that nothing had been stolen. Dylan had chosen this. Deep down, she knew that wasn’t fair, but she couldn’t help feeling that way just the same.
Emma stared at herself in the mirror. She’d lost weight, unable to eat anything of substance. Her cheeks were sunken and her skin was pale. She turned her head, wondering what Dylan would think of how much bluer her eyes looked now that her skin had lost so much of its color. The thought brought on the tears again, and she cursed herself for being so damn predictable.
“Hello?” Jennifer’s voice came from the living room of her apartment. “Emma?”
“I’m back here.” Emma stood and blinked, trying to get rid of the tears before Jennifer made it the forty feet to her room.
Either Jennifer or Brooke had taken to stopping by every day to check on her. Emma had grown tired of answering the door and finally surrendered keys to both of them. She wasn’t sure what to make of their sudden involvement in her life since they’d returned. Emma had never had many friends and absolutely none who seemed to worry about her the way these women did. If she was being honest, she’d grown to rely on their support and loved them for giving it so willingly. They gave her a small sense of normalcy that she so desperately needed.
“You’ve got to get dressed. We’re going to be late.” Jennifer went to her closet and pulled out jeans and a sweater. “If we aren’t on time to go dress shopping with Brooke, she’ll kill us both.”
This had been the one activity Emma had been looking forward to. She was disappointed with herself for not being able to pull it together to give a minuscule amount of support to someone who’d given her so much. She decided at that moment that today would be different. This was a big day for Brooke, and she wouldn’t be the one to bring them down.
Jennifer came back into her room with a cup of coffee in a travel mug. “Did you sleep any better last night?”
Emma took the coffee. “Let’s not talk about Dylan today. I want to focus on Brooke and finding her the perfect wedding dress.”
Jennifer laughed. “Brooke will look perfect in anything. We need to focus on making sure Brooke doesn’t kill her mother.”
Emma hurriedly dressed and was looking at her hair in the mirror, trying to figure out how to look put together in under three minutes. “What’s the deal with that, anyway?”
Jennifer sat on her bed and crossed her legs. “Jesus, where would I even start? Let’s just say that Janice Hart doesn’t approve of Brooke being a lesbian.”
Emma twisted her hair up in a bun and turned her face from side to side. Good enough. “Is that seriously what it is? My parents would be over the moon if I brought someone home like Tyler. But then again, my parents would be over the moon if I was Brooke.”
Jennifer walked with her to the door. “The world is full of crazy people, and you’re about to meet one of the craziest. I think the only reason either one of them agreed to this was because they both told Brooke’s dad they’d give it a chance. But in my opinion, it won’t end well.”
* * *
They walked into the small boutique, and Brooke practically tackled them both. “Thank God you’re here. Did you bring me booze? A valium? Anything?” She waved her hand in her mother’s direction. “She is insufferable.”
“I can hear you, dear.” Janice Hart walked over to them and put her hand out for them to shake.
Emma could see the resemblance immediately. Janice was Brooke twenty-five years from now. But where Brooke wore jeans and a blouse, Janice was in a tailored pinstriped suit. Janice’s makeup, hair, and manicure were flawless. Emma didn’t know whether to shake her hand or curtsey. She’d never even met someone who demanded so much respect with just her presence. It was fascinating.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Hart,” Emma said, thinking Janice would ask to be called by her first name. She didn’t.
A squeal came from behind Brooke’s mom, and she rolled her eyes as the shrieking newcomer moved past her to hug Jennifer. “Honey, you look fantastic! I missed you. I need you to catch me up on everything.”
Jennifer hugged the woman with a substantial amount of adoration. Then she turned in Emma’s direction. “Claire Monroe, this is Emma. Emma, this is Claire, Tyler’s aunt.”
Before Emma had a chance to get a word out, Claire was wrapping her in a warm embrace. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Emma. Brooke and Tyler have told me so much about you.”
Emma couldn’t help but smile. Claire was warm and full of life. Her clothes told Emma that her roots could probably be traced back to hippie, and Emma loved it. The contrast between the two maternal figures was stark, and Emma wondered how these two managed to raise women who fit so perfectly together.
“It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Monroe.” Emma didn’t let go of her because Claire seemed determined to hug her as long as possible.
“Oh, sweetie, call me Claire.” She rocked her back and forth a few times before finally releasing her.
“Is Nicole Sable coming? She was the only woman I enjoyed from that terrible training place you were at.” Janice was walking back to the sitting area where mirrors were placed in a large semicircle.
“She couldn’t make it because of work, but she and Kyle will be at the wedding. I’ll let her know which bridesmaid dress to get. She’ll take care of it.” Brooke’s tone was clipped; she seemed annoyed by her mother’s question.
“Kyle seems like a nice young man.” Janice poured herself a glass of champagne.
Brooke poured herself one too and swallowed it without taking a breath. “You’ve never met him. You’re just saying that because he’s a guy.” She poured another glass.
“Is there something wrong with marrying men now?” Janice sat on the couch and crossed her legs.
“There is if you’re a lesbian, Mom. And I am. A lesbian.” Brooke waved to the young woman at the counter, clearly wanting to get this started.
“Brooke, you don’t need to use such foul language.” Janice shook her head as if she’d just heard a dirty word.
Claire leaned over and whispered, “Not what you expected when you heard you were going to meet Brooke’s mom, huh?”
Emma took a sip of the champagne Jennifer handed her. “Not at all.”
Emma had been so honored when Brooke had asked her to be a bridesmaid that she’d said yes without hesitation. Brooke wanted her to be part of the most important day of her life, despite her behavior in recent weeks. Brooke had sat with her when she cried and asked the rhetorical question of “why.” Brooke had talked to her late into the night while she stayed awake, worried that Nikolai would find Dylan. Brooke, Jennifer, Caden, and Tyler had all become such an essential part of her life in the last several months, it was hard to imagine what it was like before them. She allowed the warmth of friendship to eclipse her feelings of loss for the moment. She knew it wouldn’t last, that the loss of Dylan would resettle in her chest without warning, but she’d take these moments when she could and appreciate the reprieve they brought.
* * *
Merrick dropped Dylan’s b
ags in the apartment. “Here you go, don’t say I never did anything to help you.”
Dylan looked down at her arm in a sling. “You helped someone with one working arm carry their bags. You’re quite the hero.”
He did a short lap through the apartment, taking everything in. “I don’t know how long you’ll be here for, but I’ll keep you updated.” He put his hands in his pockets. “We’re trying to find out how much Nikolai knows. We’re keeping a close eye on him, but so far, it’s business as usual. Although we’re sure you dealt his business a pretty hard blow when we were able to extract those girls you tipped off Hart about.” He rocked forward on his feet. He was probably feeling uneasy for giving her anything even slightly resembling a compliment. “You should be safe here. We’re working on getting you back to the States, but we want to make sure all the breaches in the CIA are shored up first so you don’t become a target again.”
She walked to the window and looked down on the street. “There’re worse places to convalesce than London. Plus, I’ve always worked in Europe. I’m sure I’ll be reassigned soon.”
He placed a laptop and a large envelope onto the table. “You’ll be good as new in no time.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a cell phone.
She took the phone. “Thanks for everything, Merrick.”
He patted her good shoulder. “I’m glad you didn’t die.” He gave her a quick awkward smile and then left.
She opened the envelope and dumped the contents onto the table. A passport, cash, and background information. Everything she needed to take on her new persona and start the process of becoming someone else. She wanted to be someone else, anyone else. She wanted to be someone who hadn’t hurt Emma. She wanted to be someone who hadn’t done the unspeakable things she’d had to do. She wanted to be someone who could fall asleep at night without the horrors of her job scratching at the edges of her psyche. She thought she’d made the right choice when she asked Emma to leave. She thought she was protecting her, keeping her out of the way of the mission that had gone a little sideways. But as the days stretched into weeks, she wasn’t so sure. The painkillers she’d been prescribed would never be strong enough to dull the pain she felt every time she thought of Emma. She thought of the different outcomes that could have played out instead of the one she’d chosen. They could’ve come up with a plan to run away together. They could’ve gone into hiding. Spent a year or two on an island where no one would ever find them or ever bother them. But she couldn’t do that to her. A life on the run, always looking over your shoulder, was no life at all. Plus, even if she’d made the decision to run, there was no guarantee Emma would accept her—all of her. If Emma knew the truth of all she’d had to do throughout her undercover years, she would never look at her the same. She sighed when the familiar pang of loss started in her chest and made her stomach turn.