by Kat T. Masen
“Over? According to him, he wants to move to Paris to be with you. That sounds far from over, don’t you think?”
“Eric, I haven’t spoken to Dominic since—”
“I don’t understand you. You’re fucking my brother, but you’re trying to chase Noah? Do you even know how that looks?”
The hurt manifests throughout me from someone who’s supposed to be my friend. My words are caught in my throat, my tough exterior crumbling into a piled heap around me.
“Don’t you dare judge me!” I sputter with frustration. “You’re just like Noah. Quick to believe everyone else but never me, right?”
“You haven’t denied it?”
“You know what, Eric? Yes, I was fucking your brother. We had an agreement, and it selfishly suited my lifestyle. Was it a mistake? I don’t know. But I never asked him to leave his wife. As for Noah, I never chase a man. I learned a long time ago that it only leads to heartbreak.”
I walk away from Eric, wanting to head back home. If that’s what I should call it, home, or a place where I can escape. But instead, I disappear into Lex’s office, a place he told me was mine to use and fall into a heap of tears.
***
I moved my flight to Monday night, desperate to leave and get back home. Without going into too much detail with Lex, he understands and doesn’t press me to stay. As for Charlie, she was furious at Morgan and also Eric. I hate that she was dragged into this mess, but it’s impossible to hide it from her since I’m staying at her place.
Early Monday morning, I drive with Lex to the office, willing my head to be buried in work. I turned off my phone last night, something I hadn’t done in forever, and distracted myself with the girls for my last night here.
It was almost lunchtime, and I isolated myself in one of the smaller boardrooms with my laptop. Lex has several meetings leaving me to work alone, which is exactly what I need. The silence and the click of my fingers against the keyboard is a like a drug so desperate to ease the pain trying to kill me. Therefore, the more I type, the more control I feel like I have over my life.
The door swings open, much to my disapproval at worker’s ignorance and their inability to knock. I’m about to abuse the rude person when I look up and see Noah standing at the door.
He closes the door behind him, appearing tired without having shaved. His beard is unkempt, and he’s still dressed in a pair of jeans and white tee with a baseball cap on his head.
“Noah, how is Nash?” I stand, worried at his disheveled appearance, thinking the worst.
“Did you tell Morgan we’re getting married?”
“What?” I shake my head in confusion. “No. It was a misunderstanding.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Kate!” he yells, his fists curled into a ball. “She called me last night, telling me everything. She’s threatening to take Jessa away from me.”
The hurt falls like an avalanche. I don’t even know how to defend myself. I look up, and he’s staring at me with resentment. I feel the heat rising to my cheeks and pray it isn’t noticeable. I cough and then push my hair back behind my ear, even though it’s already there.
“I never said that,” I tell him, stunned by the conversation. “Jessa said those words.”
“She said you said Jessa lied.”
“You know what? How dare you, Noah, take her side without even listening to what I have to say.”
He fails to trust me or even think I’d ever do something to jeopardize his family. I’ve barely been able to keep myself together the last twenty-four hours, and now I learn he can’t even trust me? He’ll take the word of his jealous ex-wife, or should I say, wife, over his best friend who has wanted nothing but the best for him.
“I never said those words. She’s three, Noah. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she confused what I said?”
“Why were you even talking to her?”
“I have work to do. Please leave the office.”
“What do you want me to do? I get several calls from Morgan accusing me of being in a romantic relationship with you. She thinks we’re getting married and having a kid. Then she tells me you said Jessa is a liar.”
“Believe what you want to believe. This is exactly what I was afraid of.”
“She’s her mother. You can’t possibly understand what’s that like.” The second it leaves his lips, I bow my head to stop the pain from consuming me whole.
“You’re right. I’ll never understand what it’s like to be a mother. But I understand what it’s like to love someone, be honest, and treat people with respect. I’ve only wanted the best for you, Noah, always, and you can believe whoever you want to believe. I didn’t sign up for this. In fact, I’ve been avoiding exactly this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to leave.”
I close my laptop, not even shutting it down and pulling the cord out of the wall. Walking in silence, he continues to stare at me without a word.
“So, you’re leaving to go back to Paris?”
I carry my laptop in my arms, staring at him with a pained gaze. “The crazy thing is, Noah, I was willing to wait for you. Just like you asked.”
“And now, what?” His tone is unforgiving and fueled with animosity. “You’ll run back to him?”
“I’m not going to chase heartbreak, Noah, with you or Dominic.”
I never claimed to be wise with my heart, but I do recognize it breaking into a million pieces. Swallowing the lump inside my throat, I try to escape the man who has held me hostage with just his penetrating stare.
“I’d rather be on my own.”
KATE
Arriving back in Paris brings on a different wave of emotions.
A place, once so pure and beautiful in my eyes, now brings nothing but loneliness. It seems like everywhere I look, people are living their best lives. Laughter fills the streets, and couples walk hand in hand, gazing lovingly at each other with the spontaneous kisses to show their affection.
My resentment grows deeper, and patience wears thin. I no longer smile at strangers nor offer to step aside in a crowded street. Flowers bring little joy, the bunches which sit in buckets on the sidewalk seem like a ploy to get people to buy happiness. All of these things, combined, make Paris seem like the most miserable place on Earth.
My life is supposed to have been sorted by now. None of this was meant to happen. I’ve protected myself for as long as I could, avoiding exactly this—heartbreak.
And every part of me aches for a man, someone across an entire ocean, someone who has always been my safety net and held onto me when I’d lost my way.
The very man who used my insecurities against me, against us.
The heartache follows me wherever I go, never genuinely leaving my mind until momentarily I forget because someone else demands my attention. But then it hits me like a bolt of lightning, ferocious and unapologetic, always leading back to Noah.
In a city known as the romance capital of the world, my heart has become an open wound, but life, like always, forces me to move on.
There’s no time to dwell on anything with everyone demanding my time. Once again, my absence causes additional stress, and as soon as the plane touches the tarmac, my phone hasn’t stopped. Texts and emails to meetings scheduled every moment I have spare, to last-minute business trips to London and Rome over the next week. I’ve fallen back into the lifestyle I’ve known, but the loneliness will find me each night I lie wide awake, wishing this pain to disappear.
I arrive at the office at seven in the morning. Sleep barely found me last night, three hours to be exact. I woke up with no appetite but managed to eat something small and opted for intense cardio instead of my usual yoga.
“Kate,” Emile calls my name as she stands at my door with a sympathetic gaze. “Permettez à votre cœur de ressentir la douleur. Alors vous saurez s’il vaut la peine de se batter.”
Allow my heart to feel the pain. Then you’ll know if it’s worth fighting for.
The words repeat in my head, yet tha
t’s all I’ve thought since the moment I left the States. Every ounce of my pain is because of him. I feel like I’ve been fighting this uphill battle. Noah leads a complicated life, and me being with him doesn’t fit the equation no matter how many times I run it through my head. Nothing adds up, and I’m not one to believe in signs, but I take this as the hazardous yellow sign staring me in the face.
I no longer want to discuss this, tired of the vicious cycle my emotions are caught up in. Misery really does love company, so I tell Emile to mark me as unavailable while I walk into the boardroom and close the door behind me. Only Charlie has called me repeatedly, but I told her the discussion is closed. There’s nothing left to say, even to Eric, who I hold back from contacting since our heated fallout over Dominic.
Boredom finds me once again, this meeting a waste of time. The CFO rambles on about numbers, his voice alone putting me to sleep. His team is starting to piss me off, and it will be only a matter of time before I let this moron go. He rose in the ranks thanks to management before I stepped in. I can see through his immaturity and his narcissistic behavior. He lacks any management style, and it shows in his turnover in staff. The rambling and pathetic excuses for budget restraints last five hours. By the time they all leave the room, Lex remains on the line wanting to talk further.
“Are you prepared for London on Monday? Jerry can be quite a shark but don’t let him deter you during the meeting,” Lex informs me.
Great, just what I need. Another man with a small dick trying to control the world around him.
“I’m prepared.” I breathe heavily, annoyed at having to deal with such arrogance. “I know his tactics, and frankly, if I don’t see improvements, I’m happy to show him the door. I don’t have time to waste nor fall behind on this project.”
“Agreed,” Lex says, then pauses. “And everything is okay with you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Listen, Charlotte is worried, and you know her heart is in the right place.”
“Is that her telling you to pass that on? Look…” I raise my tone only to realize who I’m talking to, “… I’m fine. If everyone will just let me be and stop worrying, I’ll move just like I always do.”
“Okay, I understand. It’s my job to check in on you as a boss and a friend.”
“I appreciate it,” I assure Lex. “But I’m an adult. I’ll sort out my personal life. So, don’t worry about it affecting my work.”
“I’m never worried, Kate. I’ve always trusted you to perform. But as the family member of a man who’s like a brother to me, I will tell you Noah is hurting just as much.”
Lex saying his name reminds me again of how intricate our ties are. It isn’t just Noah and me. Too many people are invested.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I counter, only for anger to swell inside of me. “Actually, no, I’m not. For once, I did nothing wrong. He should’ve trusted me and given me an opportunity to defend myself, but he chooses Morgan, repeatedly. And you know what, I may never be a mother, but that choice doesn’t make me less of a human being.”
And I’d said all the words to the wrong man. Lex is simply the messenger, the one I’ve chosen to unleash my anger on. I expect him to reprimand me for yelling at him, but he simply stays quiet.
“Shit, Lex,” I whisper, closing my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Kate.”
I take a deep breath, willing to control my mood swings. I’ve always believed that self-control is a strength, and calmness is a mastery. It may have taken me years to have come to this revelation, yet truth be told, I wouldn’t have succeeded in the business world without it.
“I should go. I’d really appreciate it if you forget all about my outburst and things go back to normal.”
“Easier said than done.” He chuckles softly. “You’ve witnessed too many of my less-finer moments, so I guess it’s your turn.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever live up to your moments. I believe you punching Julian in the face comes a close first to waking up in a bed with Victoria Preston.”
“Please don’t remind me,” he drags over the phone. “Promise me something? You’ll call Charlotte later. She’s worried and stuck in the middle of you two because she loves you both. Just let her know you’ll be okay. I don’t like to see her upset.”
“I promise,” I say before ending the call.
And the truth is, I have no idea if I’ll be okay. It’s been four days since I left, and I’m not any closer to feeling better. All I’ve managed to do is ignore the stabbing pain inside and try to breathe with a punctured heart.
The walk home is uneventful, unlike the other Friday nights. People still go about their business, laughing and dancing in the streets ignoring me as I walk past with a judgmental expression because I’m heading to an empty apartment. I’ve barely eaten today, making my mood unpleasant and snippy, surviving on only coffee and mints. I drag my heels toward my apartment without the usual takeout in hand to lift my head and see Dominic at my door.
My limbs are frozen on the spot, restricting my breathing as it catches in my throat with every pound inside my chest. Surely, this is a figment of my imagination. I draw my eyes up from his shoes, scaling his charcoal pants, past his light blue business shirt until my gaze fixes on the deep brown eyes staring back at me. The hairs on my arms stand at attention as chills march down my spine. I can’t deny his sexy appearance, but with that comes memories I’d rather forget.
“What are you doing here?”
“Kate, we need to talk.”
“No, Dominic,” I contest, keeping my distance. “We did talk.”
“I know Allegra came to you. She told me, the question is, why didn’t you?”
My anger is trumped by exhaustion. How did my life take this sudden turn, caught in some vicious love triangle with no exit in sight? All I want is a Friday night alone to watch some violent movie and pretend I’m back to my old self again.
I clutch my purse tightly, trying to rein in my frustration. “Your wife ambushed me in my office. Then she gives me her blessing to fuck you but for the two of you to stay married. I don’t know what part of that I should answer?”
Dominic moves swiftly toward me, closing the gap between us. Letting out a breath, I’m trying to ignore everything about him I once craved, the power he holds around us because no matter how I spin the scenario in my head, he’ll never be what my heart so desperately craves.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he admits with a thirsty stare. “Every. Fucking. Day. Just think about what Allegra said. We can still have this great life together, you and me. The way you’ve always wanted.”
I raise my hand to stop him, my body bursting with fury. “The way I’ve always wanted? Four years ago, I’d have done anything for you to want me. But you’ve conditioned me to want only one thing from you.”
“And do you still want that?” He inches closer, dragging his finger across the bottom of my lip.
Our bad romance has been nothing but cheap emotions, which led to our bond being built by greed. A toxic lover, which is what Dominic is, becomes an addiction. He knows exactly how to keep me in his court begging for more each time we’re together. He’s learned to feed my weakness and nurture it into a vicious weed strangling my self-worth.
And despite our affair being kept a secret, it has caused more damage to the people we love, including one of my best friends—Eric. The game always needs to come to an end. There will be no winners because the rules we set up were destined for failure.
I let out a breath, tilting my head away from his touch. Taking a step back, I look at him with an unrelenting stare.
“I want to be loved entirely, for everything I am. I want to spend my life with a man and be the only woman to consume him whole. I want to make memories, feel loved, and express my love in return. I don’t deserve less than that, and what you’re doing is trying to make me believe that I do.”
The words have finally escaped me, releas
ed from a vault buried in the dark pits of my soul. For all these years, I’ve refuted love only to realize I can’t live without it.
A sound startles both of us, my head shifts to the entrance where Noah is standing with his duffle bag on the ground. Wide-open eyes reflect everything he feels, and I know instantly that his mind drifts to a jealous place in which the sight of Dominic and me has sliced him open like a sharp knife.
His posture stiffens, fists clenched toward his sides, drunk in anger as his eyes blaze a torch, and it’s only a matter of time before his fury unleashes.
Dominic’s expression shifts, almost as if I can see the wheels turning in Noah’s head.
“Let me guess?” Dominic shakes his head in disbelief. “So, is he the reason why?”
“You need to leave.”
“I’m not leaving, we’re not over,” he orders in a decidedly odd tone
“You fucking heard her.” Noah moves closer toward us, prompting Dominic to back off. My pulse begins to race from nerves as I purposely stand between them, knowing all too well a fight could break out at any moment.
“Who the fuck are you to tell me to leave?”
“Because I’m the man who respects Kate for who she is and what she wants. I’m not the one proposing she fuck me while I stay married to keep up appearances.”
Dominic’s anger ripples through his clenched fists before I see him swing at Noah. Noah ducks his head just in time, connecting his fist with Dominic’s jaw. Blood ripples out until I shout at them both to stop, my hands pushing Dominic away and trying to create distance from Noah.
“Go, now,” I warn Dominic, examining his face quickly. “Please, just go back to your wife. That’s where you belong. Not with me.”
Like an animal calling defeat, his nostrils flare violently as he takes one step away from us. “You’ve always come back to me, Kate. It won’t take long for you to remember why.”
I release the breath I’ve been holding in to watch him disappear down the stairwell and out of the building. My head falls, unable to look Noah in the eye because there are so many things that need to be said.