by Dayna Quince
He swallowed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“Everything.”
Every thump of Nic’s heart hurt. “Everything?”
His eyes widened. “God, no. Not you, Nic. I should be sorry, for every kiss, for every touch. But I can’t. Being with you is the only bright spot in my life. To date. Not just these last few days. Knowing you… I wish I could have met you long ago, before I turned into the wreck I am today.”
It wasn’t an I love you or a declaration… Or was it? Certainly not a proposal. But her heart soared. They were the most glorious words she’d ever heard. Had she ever meant that much to someone? Her sisters didn’t count. One had to love their siblings, or so she thought. She was learning so much from the Denham brothers.
Take me with you.
But she couldn’t say it. He was barely keeping himself together; he couldn’t take a wife with him while running from English law.
She took a deep breath. “Tell me what you need from me.”
“I just need you to be you. Be here for me as long as this party lasts. After that…”
“You will leave.”
“Whether I want to or not.”
“Is there a slight chance you won’t?” Her hopes rose.
“I don’t know what will happen. A wise man once told me that we don’t have control of our tomorrow.”
Nic pouted. “I don’t like that.” She wanted certainty, she wanted to keep Theo, marry, have babies, all the things he’d mocked her for wanting. She wanted them with him. Right here in England. But she’d take it anywhere she could. Her eyes misted.
He chucked her chin. “Don’t cry.” He kissed her softly. “The party isn’t over. I’m not leaving yet.”
“But you will.”
“And you will miss me?”
She sniffed. “Yes.”
“Good. I’ll miss you too. For the rest of my days.”
It should have been sweet, but those words broke her heart in two.
Chapter 21
Theo had done a lot of thinking, regretting, and drinking after leaving Nicolette. He wasn’t good for her, not in the proper sense. He was destined to hurt her when he left her behind, but he wouldn’t take a single moment with her back.
He suddenly realized how resolute his own mind sounded when it came to leaving. He supposed that meant he’d come to a decision.
He would go.
But how was he going to tell his brother? How was he going to apologize for a lifetime of animosity?
He wanted to let it all go. Leave with a clean slate and leave nothing behind…but his heart. He’d seen her into the Kirkland Maze with her sisters, Bernie and Odette. But he was waiting for Callen to return from the retiring room, otherwise he’d follow Nicolette into the maze and hope to get her alone.
Callen stepped out the terrace doors and spotted Theo. They nodded awkwardly toward each other. Sometimes it surprised him how much Callen looked like their father. He had the same calm baritone voice, the same quiet stare. Sometimes, when Callen wasn’t looking, Theo would just study him and remember his father, as if he were watching him through a window to heaven.
They could hardly stand each other’s company, but when Theo tried to stay away, he just couldn’t do it. He needed the reminder, even if the end result was awkward silence over breakfast or endless bickering. Callen was his only family, and he just couldn’t give him up, not to Luna, not to anyone.
If he wanted to keep his brother, he’d have to make room for Luna. He understood that now. He didn’t like it. But he understood. His brother was in love, and Theo really believed Luna loved Callen in return. They were sickeningly obvious about it, at least to Theo. He had a slim hope of convincing Callen they could both stay and Theo could prove himself, or he’d beg Callen to leave with him and bring Luna.
Callen approached.
“I was hoping I might find a moment to talk to you,” Theo said.
His brother raised a sardonic brow. “About?”
“Well, our fight yesterday. It’s not sitting well with me,” Theo admitted. “You’re making all these decisions without me but including her in on them.”
Callen bristled. “This is just like you to get jealous of not being the center of everything.” Callen nodded for Theo to follow him out of the formal garden and toward the Kirkland stables. Callen sat on the bench, looking weary, but better than he did at the start of the party.
“How can you be jealous of Luna?” his brother asked. “Aren’t you tired of this? Don’t you want to do something different for a change? You can’t keep living the same life, following the same path that is literally leading you to the hangman.”
Theo did want that. More than anything now. He had a lot to make up for. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “You keep saying that like you’re so sure he can hang me. Is that what you want to happen?”
“Damn it, Theo, of course not. That’s why I want you to leave. I want you to go find a better life for yourself. Clearly, England isn’t serving you well. Find yourself a French girl to marry or some Italian soprano in Italy and settle down. Find something that makes you happy, that isn’t gambling or booze or a chorus line of women.”
Theo ground his teeth. “Those things make me happy. And that’s not what’s killing me right now. It’s the fact you want to be rid of me. You found Luna and that’s great, really, it is. But now you’re just going to toss me aside? Stick me on the boat and wish me well? Out with the old, in with the new?”
Callen glared at his brother and rested his elbows on his knees. “You know that’s not how it is. This is much bigger than that. I can’t keep doing this with you. I can’t. It nearly killed me. No matter what I try to do to help you, what I say, you’re never going to listen to me. You don’t want to, and I…”
“You love her,” Theo blurted. He understood. He burned with the same need to stay with Nic. Christ. He loved her and he didn’t want to leave her, but he would as long as he was sure it was the right thing to do.
“It’s quite obvious to me,” Theo continued, his heart racing. “And you think I’m going to destroy that too. As I’ve destroyed my life. That’s why you want to get rid of me. But I want to stay. I don’t want a new life in some damned foreign country. I want a new life right here. If you can have it, why can’t I?”
“Because no one’s trying to hang me.”
“I can fix it,” Theo pleaded.
“How?” Callen asked with exasperation. “Are you going to fight Judge Blackwood in a duel? Maybe if you kill all three of them, Judge Blackwood, Kirby’s cousin James, then it will all be over. Is that your solution?”
Theo cursed and turned his back to him. He didn’t know the answer; he was stumbling through all of this. He’d never felt this way before, so scared and hopeless, not since… Not since his mother and father had died. He just wanted one more chance. One good stroke of luck so he could have Nicolette, and in exchange, he’d be a better man. He’d do whatever Nic needed him to do.
He ran a hand through his hair, took a fistful, and pulled on it before turning back to face Callen.
“I just want the chance to change,” he confessed. “Take my swords, take my dueling pistols, leave me with the silk fan with which to defend myself, but don’t make me leave, Callen, please. I may act like I hate you, and if I’m being honest, most of the time I do. There are some things that happened between us that I just can’t forget and can’t let them go, but I don’t want to leave. You’re my brother. You’re my only family, and without you, there is no one left to put up with me. If you don’t care about me, no one does.”
But that wasn’t true anymore. Nicolette cared. She would miss him when he was gone. It was his only glimmer of hope. “I want to stay here and…prove I am good enough to stay. That I can change. That I’m worth loving, damn it. I can do something good.”
His brother seemed stunned by his confession. “Is that really how you feel?”
“Y
ou don’t believe me after that bloody speech?” Theo asked, his voice breaking.
“I want to believe you,” Callen said, “but you’ve only showed me all the wrong sides. If you’re turning over a new leaf or whatever you want to call it, it just might be too late. What do you expect me to do? I can’t watch you die. I do care about you, but I also don’t want to give up my own life for you. So what do I do to help you? I thought I was helping by getting you out of England and setting you up with money somewhere else, but you don’t even want to do that? So how can I help you? How can I help you and not give up the one thing that I want?”
“Luna?” Of course he meant Luna. His mind struggled to stay on task. A darkness seemed to be spreading through him.
“Yes. Luna.”
“Marry her and we’ll take her with us,” Theo said. It was his last hope. He had to keep his brother in his life. If he was ever going to be good enough to return to Nic someday, hopefully before she married someone else, he needed Callen. Perhaps he needed Luna too. She was damn insightful and seemed to see through all his practiced charms.
“What?”
“She’s not my favorite of the sisters. I don’t like the way she talks to me, mostly because it’s too honest, and she’s right, which is rather annoying. But if it means you’ll still come with me, then I say bring her along with us. We’ll have our own little family. We’ll set up a villa in Spain, grow oranges, and I’ll be the best bloody uncle there ever was.”
Callen shook his head. “I can’t ask her to leave England, to leave everything she’s ever known behind.”
Theo knew he was grasping at straws.
Please, he prayed. When was the last time he prayed?
“I need you, Callen. So either we go or we stay. If I’m this close to death with your steady influence, I’d hate to see what I’ll be without you. You look like Father. It’s the only thing I can stand about you. It’s the only reason I keep coming back to you when I’ve reached the end of my own good sense. You even sound like him most of the time. And though I’ve never forgiven you for not bringing me home with you when they were ill to say goodbye, just looking at you makes me feel a little closer to him.”
His brother’s expression changed to something unreadable but powerful. “Really? Because I see so much of him in you and not in myself.”
Theo swallowed hard and had to glance away. Callen saw their father in him? He didn’t know how to take that. It wasn’t intended as a compliment, and yet something warm and fuzzy filled his chest.
They were silent for a long moment. Theo took the time to breathe and settle his roiling emotions. He might be sick, or he might need a good strong drink, but either way, something would change today. It had to. He had to.
“Enough of this,” Callen said. “We’ll figure it out but not today. Today, let’s just enjoy ourselves and let it go.”
Theo nodded and Callen stood, and they walked back to the party.
“How is your wound?” Theo asked sheepishly.
“It’s fine,” Callen replied. “Your punches are soft.”
Theo snorted. “I pulled them for your sake, on account of you’re so old and feeble. You’re an invalid.” What a relief it was to make a joke. The tightness in his lungs eased a bit.
“I’m only thirteen months older than you, Theo. You’re just as old as I am. And I could hear your knees pop as you got up, so worry about your own body. I’m fine.”
They were both chuckling as they reached the others, and Mr. Seyburn approached them, Luna by his side.
She blushed as her gaze met Callen’s, and Theo was tempted to tease her, but he didn’t think they’d reached that level of civility yet. Maybe in a few months, once he’d earned a bit of forgiveness. He was officially reforming. It felt…odd, as if the world was tilted just slightly, and he was the only one who’d noticed.
Chapter 22
Scandal. Of course, there would be a scandal. It was just as Nic had thought at the start of the party. She and her sisters were not prepared to mix with the social elite. Lady Kirkland’s garden party had proved just that. It had all started with a simple walk through a Kirkland maze.
Harmless fun. But then Bernie got separated from them and cornered by one of Lady Kirkland’s guests. He’d tried to kiss her, and Bernie being Bernie had bloodied his nose.
Some might think that was not so terrible.
But others would. Marsden scandals were doomed to be of epic proportions. Which brought Nic to this morning, sitting on Anne’s bed with all the sisters except Bernie, who had disappeared from the castle before dawn.
All her sisters talked at once, sharing what they knew or suspected happened at the party. Anne raised her hand to quiet them with her usual calm command. “All I know is that yesterday something occurred between Bernie and a guest of Lady Kirkland’s.”
“We know about that,” Nic interjected, sharing a glance with Odette.
Odette cleared her throat. “We were in the maze, and Bernie was separated from us. We could hear her, but we couldn’t find her. Then we could hear a gentleman speaking with her, and she called out to us. We tried to find our way back to her as swiftly as possible, but Lady Kirkland arrived before us, and Bernie had hit the man. I can only assume he tried to take a liberty. Lady Kirkland would not hear Bernie’s side and took her to Lord Kirkland’s study. She refused to let us stay with her. So we went in search of Violet to get help.”
Nic chewed her lip. She should have stood up to Lady Kirkland and demanded to stay with her sister.
“And I was in the house when Roderick left the study with Bernie and Chester to return to the castle,” Anne added. “Lady Kirkland said some unkind things. And now we are here. Father wants Bernie to marry this lad at Lord Kirkland’s insistence.”
“This is ridiculous,” Georgie fumed. “He attacked her or she wouldn’t have struck him. She can’t marry a man like that!”
Anne nodded. “We will do everything to protect her. I know Chester and Violet will too.”
“What about you?” Jeanie asked from the foot of the bed.
Anne frowned. “I will protect her too.”
“No.” Jeanie hugged the bedpost. “What of you and Roderick? I’m still trying to believe my own eyes. He embraced you in front of everyone, and you declared you loved him.”
Nic blinked. What? “When did that happen?” Nic whispered to Odette.
“Outside the breakfast parlor. You didn’t see?”
“I couldn’t see or hear a thing over the noise everyone was making.”
“They declared their intent to marry, which saves us from having to marry anytime soon. I’m going to ask Mr. Seyburn to take me on an expedition.”
“Are you mad?”
Odette shrugged. “I want more from life than just to marry. Times are changing.”
“Why don’t you marry Mr. Seyburn?”
Odette blushed. “I shouldn’t have to marry just to be able to do things. I’m my own person. I have value beyond my husband’s name. I want to make a name for myself.” Odette put her nose in the air and Nic knew there was no point arguing the matter right now. Odette would do what she wanted to do. If only Nic could be so bold.
“I do,” Anne said with a blush.
“Since when?” Georgie asked. “For years, you’ve despised him. What changed?”
Anne chewed her lip. “I don’t know what to say other than… We both changed.”
“You saved us, Anne,” Georgie said.
Nic didn’t feel saved. She still didn’t know what she could do to keep Theo in England. Her heart would not be enough to save him. Somehow, she would have to convince him she could go with him. She would have to do something bold. She was walking down the hall, back to the Queen’s Drawing Room, when Theo pulled her into a secluded alcove.
“So, what happened during this sister meeting?”
Nic shrugged. “Nothing much really. Did you know Anne and Roderick are engaged?”
He frowned. “Ye
s, they announced it this morning. He’s been acting strange this whole party. You know…” He stroked his chin. “Do you remember when I said this party wasn’t for us but for two people specifically?”
“Yes, you said it that first night we met on the beach.”
“I was right. This whole party was so Roderick could woo Anne.”
Nic blinked. “You think so?”
“Maybe I could be a spy…”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Nic shook her head. “This whole morning is giving me a headache.”
He drew her close and kissed her temple. “What can I do?”
She rested her cheek on his chest. “Odette says Anne has saved us from having to rush into marriage.” She felt his body tense.
“Oh? Were you in a rush?”
“No. But I feel like I need to do something. I’m drifting.” Perhaps it was she that needed to be anchored.
He pulled back until he could look into her eyes. “What do you want to do?”
Marry you.
Instead, she just shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe something wild and a little bit reckless.”
He grinned, but then it fell away. “I’m a reformed wild and reckless rake. I’m afraid I can’t help you.”
“Truly?”
He nodded.
“There’s nothing you could recommend to make me…bold? Help me find my purpose?”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “I’d like to show you something.”
“You would?”
He took her hand and led her through the narrow servants’ passages to the King’s Hall. From there, he took her to where he’d carved the letters of the names and crouched next to the wall, hooking his fingers underneath and a whole panel swung open like a door.
Nic’s mouth popped open. “You found it?”
He smiled smugly.
“We should tell Odette and Mr. Seyburn.”
“Not yet, let’s savor the discovery alone first. And leave the more daunting discoveries to Leo.”
“Who is Leo?” Nic asked as she peeked into the dark tunnel.