“The attack wasn’t like that. He didn’t try to rape me or anything. He wanted to disfigure me by beating me up and throwing acid on my face.”
He winced. “That’s still horrible.”
“Well, it wasn’t pleasant. As for the guys on the Intrepid, it was annoying, but I stood my ground, and I’m proud of how I handled it.” She shrugged. “I’m serious, though. You don’t have to force yourself to be more affectionate for my sake. We don’t need some blazing physical connection—especially if you aren’t comfortable with it.”
Wow. This from the woman who’d gone breathless on the Intrepid because he’d traced the bruise on her arm? What had he done, and how did he undo it? He shook his head. “We have that connection. We just haven’t tapped into it because I’ve been too afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“I told you.”
“You’re afraid of going back to how you used to be, who you used to be. That’s the real problem. The important one I’ve been trying to get you to address.” She paused. “Do you know who you are, Ian?”
“What do you mean?”
“On the Intrepid, you said you didn’t know who you were without the Holdens. Well, you’ve been without the Holdens for a while now. You still exist, so you must be somebody. Who are you?”
He stared out toward the ocean, forcing himself to focus on something other than her incorrect perception of their chemistry. She was right. Her question was important, and it deserved an answer. “I know who I want to be—a man of integrity and faith. Someone who stands up for others and puts their needs and interests above his own.”
“Ian, you have been all of those things since the moment I met you. How do you not see it?”
He shrugged. “You see it. Maybe that’s enough for now.”
She frowned. “No, it isn’t. You’re wonderful. Why don’t you believe me?”
“Mainly because I’m not.”
“Says who?”
“Says…”
“Emily?” Her soft question brought his gaze back to hers.
His jaw tightened. “She must hate me right now. I really hurt her.”
Ava was quiet for a moment, then reached out to take his hand. “You know how you made me finally admit I was angry at my parents? Well, I think you need to admit something too. Despite what you did to Emily, she hurt you too. Badly.”
He tensed. Denial flashed through him, then settled into realization. “You’re right. She did.”
“I know you said that you mislead her about your true feeling for a few months, but what about her? How long did she mislead you?”
“A while.” He reluctantly clarified, “Years. I guess we had a hard time being honest with each other.”
“Why?”
“She said she was afraid to mess up what we had. As for me, I guess I didn’t want to disappoint her. She was everything. She gave me everything. A family. A sense of belonging. I owe her too much.”
She shook her head. “Ian, you know that was God. He gave you a family. God can restore those relationships if that’s what’s best for you. Or he can give you something different. Something better.”
“Something better?”
“Perhaps. You never know what God has planned.”
He might be starting to get an inkling. Loud, childish voices coming up the hill announced that their moments of secluded privacy had run out. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, then helped her stand. “Come on, let’s go find the ocean.”
They grabbed their belongings, and he led the way down a nearly hidden path to the beach. She’d given him a lot to think about. Beyond the deeper questions, there was one he seemed unable to shake. He shook his head. “I still can’t believe you don’t think we have chemistry.”
She released a frustrated sigh. “Oh, my word, Ian. You know that isn’t what I said. Let it go.”
Not likely. He had some serious work to do. Mostly, he needed to get out of his own way. Their connection had been real, tangible, and natural from the beginning. He’d messed it up. Now, somehow, he had to find a way to repair it.
R
How could two people in the same relationship end up on such completely different pages? It boggled Ava’s mind. Truly, it did.
This whole time Ian had thought they’d had some kind of hot and heavy connection going on while he’d barely condescended to hold her hand without prompting. What exactly had he imagined was happening? It surely must have been a whole lot more exciting than reality.
That’s not to say she wasn’t attracted to him. After all, how could she not be? It just hadn’t been translating into sparks and fire like he seemed to think it should. Well, at least not since their time together on the Intrepid, which somehow felt like ages ago.
A freshly popped bowl of popcorn sat between them on the sofa as they unwound from a long, active day of snorkeling and sunshine. She wasn’t sure they would have been able to find an activity less conducive to physical contact if they’d tried. Whatever Ian had hoped to achieve after his promise to be more affectionate hadn’t materialized yet.
Oh, he’d reached out to hold her hand a couple of times. That had been a nice change. Still, as far as she was concerned, he was making this a much bigger deal than it needed to be. She may have wished for a bit more affection from him a few days ago, but that had been before her father had announced his candidacy. It had been before she’d checked her calendar and before she’d realized she had absolutely no control over her own life.
She had much bigger problems going on at the moment. So did Ian—whether he wanted to admit it. With a sigh, she hugged a pillow and snuggled farther into her corner of the sofa. She stilled, realizing Ian was staring at her in amusement. “Yes?”
“You are so far away.”
She glanced at the entire length of sofa between them and shrugged. “I’m comfortable here. There’s a corner.”
“There’s a corner over here.”
“Yeah, but you’re sitting in it.” Her eyebrows lifted as he scooted toward her just enough to vacate the corner. Barely holding back a laugh, she asked, “Seriously?”
He placed the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table, then took her wrist and gave it a guiding tug. “Seriously.”
Shaking her head, she stepped around him to sit in the small section of sofa he’d vacated. “I’m smooshed. There’s no room. Scooch over.”
He scooped up her legs and draped them over his knees. She wasn’t sitting on his lap, but she might as well be. “Better?”
“I don’t know. What else are you planning to do?”
Pressing play, he set the remote back on the coffee table, then placed one arm along the back of the sofa. She couldn’t really complain about that since it gave her more room. She shifted her shoulders into the corner which placed her farther away from him. His other hand rested on her shin. “Acceptable?”
“I suppose.”
“You aren’t going to make this easy for me, are you?”
She smirked. “Absolutely not. In fact—”
“Shh. The movie’s starting.” He tipped his chin toward the large-screen TV.
“I bet it is.” She reached for the bowl of popcorn and set it on her lap as she watched the newsreel that began Roman Holiday. Her movie pick, of course. Ian had chosen the snack. Yet, he seemed to have no interest in it whatsoever—something she found highly suspicious.
After a handful or two of popcorn, she placed the bowl back on the coffee table. She wiped her hands on a napkin before settling in to watch the ballroom scene. Ian’s thumb twitched on her leg. It was a very slow twitch that soon turned into a caress.
She glanced down at his hand, then up at him. He ignored her. So, she ignored him. His hand slid down her leg, trailing a rather uncomfortable streak of warmth. She would have pulled away, but his fingers encircled her ankle with a gentle pressure that held her still. It also seemed to imply he was content to leave her be for a moment
.
Faint lines of concern carved their way into his brow as he intently focused on the movie. Audrey Hepburn, playing Princess Ann, darted across the screen dressed in a full-length, prim and proper white nightgown. Princess Ann paused at a window to listen to the joyful music of the dancers in a nearby square, then dutifully returning to bed for milk and crackers. Morosely, she complained, “Everything we do is so wholesome.”
Ava couldn’t help releasing a soft laugh. Ian caught her gaze with a wry smile that told her he might be in full agreement with the princess’s assessment of things. Yeah, well, who had started them down this path of wholesomeness?
It certainly hadn’t been her idea, but she wasn’t going to complain. Silly things like hormones and attraction caused people to make unwise decisions. Now more than ever, her life would be under scrutiny. She couldn’t afford to do anything stupid.
Ian had turned his attention back to the movie. She did the same… just in time for the lady-in-waiting’s briefing on the next day’s schedule. Every aspect of Princess Ann’s life had been planned out to the minute, from what speeches she would give right down to the bouquet of “very small pink roses” she’d carry for a luncheon with the foreign ministry.
Ava tensed, knowing what was coming next. Ann suddenly screamed, “Stop!”
As Ann descended into hysterics, Ava reached for the remote and paused the movie. Silence filled the room. She swallowed hard. Lifting her lashes, she met Ian’s gaze. “Perhaps we should watch something else.”
Her soft voice, her polished control was such a contrast to Ann’s hysteria that it almost sounded cold. Ian must have felt the same way. He glanced from her to the actress who’d collapsed on the bed in a bundle of raw nerves. “Is that how it feels?”
“It’s never been quite that bad, and I would never be that loud.” Removing his hand from her ankle, she took it in both of hers. “I still think it would be a good idea to come up with a plan for my life. My parents would have to respect that.”
“It would be better if they learn to respect you and your decisions plan or no plan.”
Why did he always have to be so right about everything? It was annoying. And helpful. She sighed. “True enough, but it would be easier for me if I had one. Just to start out with.”
“All right, then.” His free hand settled on the curve of her shoulder as his thumb brushed a comforting path across the nape of her neck. “Right now, don’t try to think or analyze. What do you want to do?”
It would be great if he would stop rubbing her neck. They were already so close, closer than they’d ever been except for a brief hug. Those were usually for a specific purpose like celebrating something or comforting each other— meaning the focus wasn’t on the actual physical contact.
This time, there was nothing to detract from it and, boy, was it making her nervous. She couldn’t help wondering where all of this might lead. Would he try to kiss her? What if he did? What would she do?
Realizing she was staring at his mouth, she forced her gaze upward to meet his ocean blue eyes. They were stormy and smoldering. Oops. She offered a smile and said the first thing that came to mind. “Vacation.”
He blinked. “Vacation?”
“Yes.” She watched as the fire in his eyes slowly bank. “What I want right now more than anything is to have a vacation.”
“Then don’t let your parents interfere with this one. Isn’t that what you said you were going to do before you saw their ‘schedule? Or schedule,’” he said, changing the pronunciation to quote a line from the movie they’d abandoned. “You were going to live in the moment. Forget the past and the future. Forget the consequences.”
She smiled. “I was, wasn’t I?”
“Yes, you were.”
“Well, why not? Worrying about it won’t change anything. Might as well have one last hurrah before I go back home.” More than ready to change the subject, she grabbed the remote and refocused on the TV screen. “Let’s find another movie to watch.”
They decided on something that qualified as lighthearted, but still giving her a little dose of Audrey Hepburn with How to Steal a Million. How she managed to fall asleep with all the alarms blaring in the movie was anyone’s guess. Nevertheless, she awakened hours later on the couch in her darkened living room. Alone.
A note from Ian sat on the coffee table.
Ava,
I let myself out and locked the door behind me. You are exhausted. Let’s have a lazy day tomorrow. Call me when you wake up in the morning. I’ll cook you breakfast.
— Ian
P.S.
I’m claiming a rain check on a goodnight kiss.
She snickered at the postscript, then took the note with her as she made her way to the bathroom. Her gaze kept being drawn back to the note as she brushed her teeth. It was impossible to stop her mind from going back to her first day of high school. Her dad had given a speech before the entire school. He’d made it clear that she was his daughter, then informed all the guys he was a card-carrying, gun-toting member of the NRA before promising to send a security team on all of her dates.
He’d thought it was funny. She’d been mortified… and dateless all through high school. Between schoolwork, campus organizations, her dad’s campaigns, entering beauty pageants, and community service; dating hadn’t seemed like a good use of time in college or grad school. Especially since her parents hardly ever approved of the guys she liked.
Eventually, it became easier to let them handle her anemic love life. All of that to say, she hadn’t been lying when she’d told Ian she’d never had a boyfriend before. She just hadn’t told him the whole truth.
She washed her face, then changed into her pajamas. Grabbing her phone, she pulled up the web browser and slipped under the covers. A heavy sigh filled the lamp-lit room as she tapped on the search bar and typed…
How to kiss?
“I blame you for this, Dad,” she whispered as she pressed enter. “I blame you.”
Chapter Twenty
Last night had been kind of weird. No use pretending otherwise. His attempt at stirring up chemistry had somehow only seemed to make Ava uneasy and a little suspicious. For a moment, he’d thought she’d been tempted to kiss him, but he’d obviously been mistaken. Overall, she hadn’t seemed the least bit affected by anything he’d done.
Maybe he’d lost his touch. Or maybe she just wasn’t as attracted to him as he was to her. She was probably right. He should let it go. Perhaps if he stopped trying so hard their chemistry would redevelop naturally.
Yes, he was definitely overthinking this. Just because his last relationship had been less than ideal in that area didn’t mean this one would be too. This was a completely different woman, situation, dynamic, everything.
The sound of the water in Ava’s shower cutting off made him refocus on the task at hand. If he wanted to have the banana foster ready for the crepes when she finally emerged from her room, he’d better get them in the pan. He scraped the banana slices into the caramelized mix of butter, sugar, and cinnamon, then lowered the flame so they would soften slowly.
Grabbing a carton of eggs from the fridge, he set it on the counter next to where she’d left her phone. He paused, realizing another reason he might be a bit out of sorts this morning. He’d forgotten to spend some time in the Word. He unlocked her phone in search of the Bible app intending to put it on the audio setting while he finished cooking.
A YouTube video immediately filled the screen. He tried to exit out of it, but accidentally pressed play on the video instead. A woman’s voice filled the kitchen. “Today, we’ve got the best tips on how to kiss.”
He froze. Eyes widening, he tilted his head to stare at the video. Three large words filled the screen.
How to Kiss.
“What in the world?” He picked up the phone for a closer look as the words faded away.
The heavily made-up vlogger reappeared. “Anticipating your first kis
s can be intimidating, but there’s no need to let your nerves get the best of you. Kissing is a natural expression of—”
Ian paused the video. Thoughts racing, memories sorting, heart pounding. Surprise and realization teamed up to pull a single word from his lips. “Oh.”
Finally, he added. “My. Word.”
No wonder Ava had been so squirrely last night. A relieved laugh eased from his chest. Leaning back against the counter, he pressed play again. The tips were actually pretty good. Basic, but good.
A strangled protest filled the air. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Ian spun to find Ava dressed for the day and standing stock still in the doorway. “I was looking for the Bible app.”
“Well, that isn’t it.” She rushed forward to grab the phone and turned away to shut off the video as it intoned, “Use your whole body to enhance—”
He caught her waist as she tried to dart away in the sudden silence. Tugging so that her back landed softly against his chest, his mouth found the shell of her ear as he said lowly, “Something you want to tell me?”
Her breath hitched in her chest, then swelled. She glared at him for the first time ever. “Such as?”
He grinned. “You want to kiss me.”
She broke away and turned to face him, taking a few steps back. “Of course, I want to kiss you.”
“But, you don’t know how.” He stalked her, eyeing her flushed cheeks enhanced by the deep hue of her close-cut lacy pink shirt. The color continued into the flowers on her pale-yellow skirt. His gaze returned to hers. “Otherwise, you would already done it.”
Her mouth fell open as she turned the corner of the island. “That is a presumptuous and smug assumption.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “Is it true?”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s true.” She skirted the breakfast table. He herded her until her back met the bright yellow back door. The contrast only made her turquoise eyes appear even more electric. “The fact remains. I don’t know how to kiss.”
Beyond the Tide Page 23