by J. M. Walker
Lucas glanced over his shoulder, his gaze meeting mine. He licked his lips, turned away, and continued his conversation with Sandra.
“Do you know Lucas?”
I jumped, forgetting I was still standing with Toby. “Uh…”
“Hey, Toby.”
My heart jumped as Lucas came up to us.
“Hey.” Toby shook his hand. “How was your week?”
“Good. How was yours? Sandra was telling me that she’s been sick.” Lucas moved closer to me.
“She was but she’s better now, thank goodness. She’s worse than I am when she’s ill.” Toby laughed. “Have you two met?”
Lucas stuck his hand out. “Lucas.”
“Lily.” I smirked, sliding my fingers in his hand.
“Hmm…” Lucas kissed the back of my hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Lily.”
I laughed, my cheeks heating. “Ass.”
Lucas winked.
Toby shook his head. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He checked his watch. “We’re starting,” he said, which was his gentle way of saying for us to find a seat.
I sat at one of the empty chairs at the back row.
Lucas sat beside me, placing his arm on the back of my chair. “Care to tell me why you’re here, Lily Pad?” he muttered low enough for only me to hear.
“Probably for the same reason you are,” I murmured. “We’re all addicted to something.”
Toby walked to the front of the room, staring out at the crowd. He stood behind the podium, did his usual greeting and asked if anyone wanted to share.
Lucas stood and much to my surprise, walked up to the front.
Toby clapped him on the shoulder and moved off to the side.
“Hi.” His good eye burned into me. “I’m Lucas and I’m a drug addict.”
My mouth fell open.
“This week hasn’t been anything special. The struggles continue daily, but I have met someone, and for the first time since I can remember, I’m excited to see where things will go”
My heart warmed.
“I’m not sure what’s going to come of it but it’s fun. I know with having an addiction, relationships can be hard but, I’ll take it for what it is right at the moment.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s been almost eight years for me, but not a day goes by where I don’t miss it. That delicious high. I realized quickly that I didn’t want to submit to it anymore. Especially when it almost killed me.”
I shifted in my seat.
Lucas ended his share shortly after that and joined me at the back of the room.
“I had no idea,” I said softly.
“I could say the same for you, Lily.” He placed his arm on the back of my chair once again and rubbed his thumb back and forth over my shoulder. “Are you going to share?”
I shook my head. “I don’t usually.”
“How come?”
“Because.” I just didn’t. Not that I had anything against it, but I was shy in that way when it came to my personal life.
“Lily.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Lucas.” I crossed my arms under my chest.
“Alright, Lily Pad. I’ll take the hint.”
I sighed.
The rest of the night was a blur. More people shared their stories. Lucas remained beside me, his big body stiff and rigid. As much as I liked him, I wasn’t sure if I could share that part of myself with him. I had already shown him my scars. I appreciated just the same that he showed me his, but it still didn’t mean I was ready to share everything with him. And I wasn’t sure if I would ever be ready.
Lucas
BLOOD COATED MY FINGERTIPS, dripping off the ends until they fell to the ground in tiny little puddles. I watched the crimson liquid fall.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
The pain no longer rushed through me. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Every inch of me was numb. Cuts and scrapes marked my knees and palms. Previous scars were sliced open, forcing them to bleed out onto the ground beneath me.
Sounds of crying slid through me. I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore the begging and pleading for death. It was the only way we could get out of this hell. But it wouldn’t work. It never worked.
The cries soon became muffled, followed by gagging.
Bile rose to my throat as the sounds of abuse washed over me.
The cries turned into sobs.
Groans of pleasure made my stomach twist.
“Please.” That was Mel.
I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save any of them.
No matter how much abuse was laid on us, not many of us died from it. No. If we ever got out of this hell, we would die after. And I couldn’t wait.
Death. It was our ultimate savior. But it never came. That would have been the easy way out.
A sharp slice of pain erupted through my arm, followed by a warmth I had come to crave.
My body fell back onto the cold cement beneath me.
The sweet taste of submission slid over my skin, melting beneath it and rushing through my veins.
It was delicious. Sweet. Sweet delicious bliss. And it was mine.
My eyes popped open, landing on the ceiling above me. A sense of loss washed over me once I realized that I was back in my bed and no longer in the nightmares of my childhood. Although for the most part, my childhood sucked, and death would have been better, I missed the high of the drugs that were forced on me.
Rolling over in bed, I reached for my phone and called Lily.
“Yeah,” she greeted, her voice husky.
“Lily.” My gaze landed on the clock sitting on my nightstand. Shit. It was almost four in the morning. “I’m sorry for calling so late.”
“Lucas? That’s okay. Is everything alright?”
“No.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I just needed to hear your voice.”
“Oh. Okay. What’s wrong?”
“Nightmare,” was all I said.
“Ah, yes.” She laughed lightly. “You woke me up from mine. So, thank you.”
“What happened?” I wasn’t sure if she would tell me, but I needed a distraction from the demons of my past.
“I wish we had alcohol for this.” She cleared her throat. “I told you my parents died in a fire.”
“You did.”
“My father was a good man. He just made mistakes and unfortunately, he was an alcoholic. You’d think I would have learned and not followed in his footsteps but …” She coughed. “He lit a smoke and passed out. My mom and I were sleeping. The fire took him first. It had been so fast.” Her voice wavered.
“Shit, Lily. I’m sorry.”
“I woke to my room on fire. God, that pain was nothing I had ever felt before. After that, I moved in with my grandma.” She laughed. “I can’t believe she never kicked me out. I put her through fucking hell, Lucas.”
I grunted. “She loves you.”
“Yeah but no one should have to put up with the shit I did.” Lily sighed. “Anyway, that’s in the past.”
“Why do you go to meetings?” I already knew she had an addiction. I just wanted to hear her say it. I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone.
“Tit for tat, Lucas.”
“Fine.” I thought a moment and decided to tell her something not so damn heavy which would lead to her never wanting to see me again. “I grew up in the system. I don’t know who my parents were. They died but I was never given their information. When I left the house I grew up in, I spent every day at the library, teaching myself how to use computers. I also read. I read a lot. It was the only time I felt normal. I imagined that I was in those books. That I lived the lives those characters led. I also didn’t go to school for computers. I didn’t go to MIT or anything.”
“But you know just as much as the students there.”
“And so do you, don’t you, Lily?”
She cleared her throat. “Yeah. I guess.”
“It comes naturally for us.” I
sat up in bed, leaning against the headboard.
“It does. And you still trust me? Even after knowing I hacked in to find your information. That trust is still there?”
“Yeah.” My heart jumped. “I do. I know this is fast…”
“We’ve known each other for over a month now.” Lily sighed. “I trust you too, Lucas. I never thought I would find that trust again.”
“I get that, Lily Pad.”
“I got in trouble a few years back,” she said, changing the subject.
I grunted. “Baby, you and me both.”
“We should compare stories.” She laughed lightly.
“Not over the phone.” I wasn’t overly paranoid, but I didn’t trust that the line wasn’t being listened to. I could have called her from a more secure line, but I was desperate and needed to hear her voice when I woke up, so I chose my cell instead.
“Okay, Lucas.” She yawned.
“I’ll let you get some sleep.”
“I work tomorrow but would like to see you after.”
My stomach tumbled. “Sounds like a date.”
“No. I don’t want a date. I want to come over and for you to fuck me into my next life.”
I chuckled, my cock lengthening at what she was suggesting. “Sounds even better.”
She giggled. “Good night, Lucas.”
I grinned. “Good night, Lily.”
***
(Lily)
I hung up the phone, I laid back in bed. I couldn’t believe I had told Lucas about the fire. I never told him about my problem and why I went to meetings, but I knew that would come in time. He also wasn’t stupid. He probably figured it out already. Talking to him had been easy. Add to the fact he needed to talk to me after having a nightmare, it made me feel even better.
For the next hour or so, I tossed and turned, unable to fall back asleep. Giving up, I quickly took a shower, got dressed, and decided to cook my grandma breakfast.
“Good morning, dear.”
“Morning.” I held out a plate just as she came to my side.
“This is a nice surprise.” She took it and sat at the table. “How’s Lucas?”
“He’s good.” Or I thought he was, but I wasn’t so sure after our conversation earlier.
“That’s good.” Grandma took a bite of her food, swallowed and pointed her fork at me. “I like him, but he has a dark past. Be careful with that, Lily.”
“How could you know that?” I asked, placing a mug of coffee in front of her.
“I can sense it.” She shook her head. “I’ve been around long enough to know. All I’m saying is, just be careful. That’s all.”
“Okay.” I frowned, sat across from her, and began to eat.
“Are you two official now?”
“I…I’m not sure.” I shrugged. “We’re taking it one day at a time. No pressure.”
She nodded and went back to eating in silence.
“Do you miss Grandpa?” I asked her, clearing the table of my dirty dishes.
“Every day.” She sighed. “I hope you find what I had with him.”
“I hope so too.” A phone ringing in the distance, jarred through our conversation. “I have to get that.” I jogged to my room and answered my cell, wondering who was calling so early. “Hello?”
“Good morning, Lily.”
My stomach twisted. “What do you want, Killian?”
“Did you enjoy your date with Lucas Crane?”
I slumped onto the edge of my bed. “Why do you care?”
“He’s not good enough for you.”
“And you are?” I laughed. “Come on, Killian. You’re married. You need to get over it.”
“I want to see you. I need to explain”
“Go back to your wife.” He was a douchebag. He was a good-looking douchebag, and I fell for it. He no longer did it for me. I had been desperate for a connection, for love and made the stupid choice of dating him.
“Go out with me. Let’s talk.”
“Why?” I felt like a damn parrot.
“Because I want to see you. I’m sorry for not explaining sooner. I miss you.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Before you say no, please just give me a chance to explain.”
I couldn’t go out with him after being with Lucas. Although we had never made anything official, it wouldn’t be right of me.
“I’m seeing Lucas.” And I was seeing him later that night.
“We can go as friends then. I just want to see you. To talk”
“Friends. Right.” I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Hayes. I know how you work.”
“Please, Lily.”
Guilt resonated on my shoulders at the desperation in his voice. “Why?”
“I just want to go to dinner. Not a date. Just two friends going out for food. To talk. That’s it.”
“Will you leave me alone if I say yes?” This was a stupid decision on my part, but I needed him off my ass.
“Yes.”
“And you’ll keep your hands to yourself?”
“Lily.”
“Say it, Killian. Tell me you’ll keep your hands to yourself.”
“Fine. Yes, I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
“Good.” I stood from the bed. “I’ll go out for food with you, to listen to you, but the first time you hit on me or touch me, I’m done. You hear me?”
“Yes,” he grumbled. “I hear you.”
***
I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with Killian. I wasn’t normally this dumb, but he was driving me crazy with his constant badgering and his SUV popping up every time I turned around. I felt sorry for him. But now as I sat at the table in the Italian restaurant with him staring at me like I was his next meal, I suddenly felt dirty. And it was the same Italian restaurant that I had been to with Lucas a few weeks ago. Somehow, I knew that it was intentional.
“One warning, Killian.” I took a sip of my water.
“I haven’t done anything.” He put back the rest of his beer, signaling the waiter over. “Another beer for me and whatever she wants.”
“I’m fine with water,” I told the waiter. “Thank you.”
“You want just water?” Killian sat forward. “Are you sure you don’t want a drink?”
“That is a drink,” I told him.
“No, I mean like an alcoholic drink.”
“Water is good enough for me.” My stomach twisted with unease.
“Lily, you never had anything more than water or Coke when we were together. Are you sure you don’t want wine? You look like a wine lady. She’ll have a glass of your finest red,” Killian told the waiter.
“No,” I corrected him. “Just water. Please.”
The waiter nodded and went back to the bar. The young man glanced at me over his shoulder before looking at Killian. He said something to the bartender. I couldn’t read their lips but whatever they were talking about, sent a flutter of nerves racing through me.
“What was that about?” Killian demanded. “I’m trying to show you a good time and you turn down my offer for wine.”
“This dinner is not for a good time. You wanted a chance to explain, and I’m giving it to you. I appreciate the offer, but I don’t drink, so water is fine.” I hated having to explain myself to him.
“Come on, Lily.” Killian rolled his eyes. “Everyone drinks.”
“Um…that is not true.” I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him but a part of me hoped for an apology. My grandmother taught me to be polite and to look for the best in people but clearly, this was not one of those cases. Killian pestering me about my lack of drinking was almost worse than him fucking me when he was married.
“Why don’t you drink?” Killian asked as the waiter came back with his beer.
The waiter refilled my water and went to wipe the condensation on the pitcher when he dropped the napkin. He crouched to pick it up. “Lucas is here,” he muttered.
My heart jumped.
The wai
ter stood, walking away and pushing through a double set of doors at the back of the restaurant.
“Everything okay?” Killian asked, now checking his phone.
“Yes.” I stood. “I’m just going to use the washroom.” Not waiting for him to respond, I headed to where the washrooms were and stopped suddenly.
Lucas was coming toward me. His body was stiff, his back rigid. His strong jaw was clenched tight. And his gaze was zeroed in on me like I was his next victim.
I rushed into the bathroom just as I was tackled from behind. I gasped. My hair was ripped back, some strands pulling free from my scalp. I whimpered.
“I don’t like that you’re here with another man,” Lucas growled, shoving me forward. “We professed our trust in one another this morning, and yet here I find you with another man. Not only that, but a man you used to date.”
Before I had a chance to comment, he pushed me into the nearest empty stall. Spinning me around, he slammed me up against the wall.
“Why the fuck are you here with another man?” he demanded, wrapping his hand around my throat.
“I was being polite.” I slapped his hand away.
“Polite?” Lucas chuckled, the sound dark and inviting. “Baby, there’s nothing polite about this shit. I handed you my trust and this is how you fucking repay me. By going out with your ex.”
My back stiffened. “He’s an ex because I found out that he’s married. There’s no going back for me, Lucas. I don’t break up marriages.”
Lucas released his hold on me, his eye searching my face. “He’s married?”
“Yeah.” I blew out a slow breath. “I’ve done a lot of messed up shit but that’s a deal breaker for me.”
“Why would you agree to go out with him then?” Lucas asked gently, running his finger down the length of my jaw.
“I was being polite. That’s the truth. I thought maybe letting him explain, would give him some sort of closure and to get him to stop following me.” I shrugged. “I realize now how stupid that sounds, but I promise you, there’s nothing there. You can trust me.”
Lucas’s jaw clicked. “I trust you but I sure as fuck don’t trust him.”
“I would never expect you to.” I stood on tip toes and kissed his cheek. “I don’t want him. Only you, Lucas.”