When he said “our son,” my womb clenched every time. I couldn’t help it. Sober Carter had this effect on me. I couldn’t let myself get sucked back in. “As long as he’s not a bad influence.”
Carter’s face remained neutral, but the dig registered. “Ah. Well. Neither of them are really into the things I was into at that age.”
“That’s good.”
“How’s the guest artist thing going? Do you like New York?”
In the beginning of our relationship, when things were good between us, Carter always showed interest in my career but never quite remembered all the details. He was often distracted with all of the things Limelight had going on. “It’s different than Denver, that’s for sure. Thank you, by the way. Knowing that Zane is in good hands this year has been very comforting.”
“Ah, Lianne. Thanks for saying that.” Carter’s eyes shone with the compliment. It was true. I’d had my doubts, but Zane was thriving with Carter.
Which meant for the first time in my dancing career, I had full flexibility to focus on my performance. As much as I loved my son, getting pregnant so young meant that I’d never fully realized my potential as a dancer. With only a few viable years left, it was now or never.
“Baby, I’d do anything to make all of those bad years up to you. I always wanted you to live your dreams.” Carter regarded me with the type of admiration and love that I remembered when I first fell in love with him.
Dammit.
“Carter…”
“I know I’ve blown my chance with you. I’ve come to accept that you’re far better off without me. I’m crossing a lot of lines here, but I’ll always love you. Always.”
A single tear trickled down my cheek. “I’m running late, I gotta go.”
I ended the call without saying goodbye.
Carter proved himself time and time again over Zane’s sophomore year. He never missed our weekly check-in calls. My son was well-adjusted and thriving. Almost like he’d found a place where he could truly be himself—the wild, spirited musical genius he was born to be. Under Carter’s tutelage, his skill on guitar was breathtaking.
His friendship with Tyson was also very sweet. Their bond was clear. Every other day, Zane would send me a choppy phone video of them goofing around in the practice studio. The artist in me saw the potential of two budding musicians. The mother in me saw her son, who finally had a friend he could relate to.
Still, I missed him terribly. It had been just the two of us for my entire adult life. I was ecstatic when Zane flew to New York to stay with me for a few weeks during the summer. He was my guest of honor to see me dance as Princess Aurora in The Sleeping Beauty at the New York City Ballet.
In my dressing room, after the show, he brought me a huge bouquet of pink roses. The gesture reminded me of the time Carter brought me red roses at PNB and we found out I was pregnant. Changing quickly, I put on clothes for dinner. I wanted to spoil him, so we were eating in the elegant dining room at Le Bernardin.
“You’re the coolest mom in history.” Zane kissed my cheek before we sat.
“That’s true.” I smirked. “Not many kids come here for their seventeenth birthday.”
Zane fidgeted while studying the menu. The kid never sat still. Always distracted by something. Exploring. Seeking. He was restless like his father. Busy. The guitar grounded him, allowed him to focus all that energy into something productive. His nose wrinkled. “I don’t know what half of this stuff is.”
“Let’s just have the chef bring out whatever. It will all be good.” I set my menu down and leaned back in the black leather booth.
“Okay.”
“Zaney, I want to ask you something. Don’t be afraid to hurt my feelings.” I put my best mom expression on. Although, who was I kidding, we’d basically grown up together.
“Okay.”
“Do you want to stay with Carter?”
His shoulders hunched. I noticed they were muscular, like he’d been working out. My baby boy was nearly a man, which took my breath away. “The thing is…”
“You do.”
“I don’t want to be away from you, Momma.” Zane’s sensitive soul tore at my heart. “But I think Carter needs me.”
Alarm bells rang in my ears. I couldn’t let Carter drag Zane into some unhealthy codependent relationship. “Whoa, I need you to be very specific about what you mean by that.”
“No, not like that. He’s sincerely devoted to his sobriety.” Zane punctuated his words by tapping his fork on the table. “He’s lonely. And you know from our meetings that the sobriety journey can be very isolating. I think that’s why he’s basically adopted Ty. The two of us give him purpose.”
“Don’t you get jealous of all the attention he’s giving to your friend?”
“Nah. You should meet Ty sometime. He’s such a cool guy and he doesn’t even know it. I don’t mind sharing him with Carter. They’re a lot alike.” Zane shrugged. “Besides, I’ve never had a brother, and Ty has become like my brother. We even got laid for the first time together.”
“Zane Rocks!” My eyes were wide with horror. “Who tells their mother that? And wait, together?”
“Come on, Ma. You sent me to the corner store for tampons when I was seven years old. You must have had sex yourself at some point, you had me when you were nineteen. You gave me the ‘sex is a natural thing’ speech before I left for Seattle. You think I’m not gonna tell you when I finally have sex?” Zane laughed.
“I’m glad you feel comfortable talking about it. Are you telling me you guys are gay? Which I’d fully support, by the way.”
“What? No! I mean, I don’t think so.” Zane furrowed his brow. “We fucked a couple of girls in the band room at the same time. That’s all.”
“Oh, that’s all.” I fixed him with my sternest glare.
His face reddened. “Not together, we were on opposite sides of the room…”
“Not Fiona, please tell me you didn’t —”
He shook his head vigorously. “Not a chance. She won’t give me the time of day. Especially after the band room incident.”
“Good girl.” I chewed and swallowed a delicious bite of halibut. “You being careful? Using condoms?”
“Mom!” Zane looked around, suddenly embarrassed by our public sex discussion. “Yes. Carter is obsessed about it.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. Do you still feel safe with him? No signs of trouble?”
“I do.” Zane reached over and took my hand. “I wouldn’t put myself in danger. I’d never do that to you.”
Gah! This boy had my heart and soul from the second he was born. His ability to be in tune to other people’s emotions was uncanny.
“Then, although it breaks my heart to say this, you should finish high school in Seattle.” I squeezed his hand.
“You mean it?”
“I do.”
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your kid is to let him fly on his own. Trust that you’ve done your job. That he’ll make good decisions.
And let go.
CHAPTER 11
CARTER
Two years later
Lianne and I walked out into the auditorium of Garfield High School together. It was the first time I’d seen her in person in over a decade. She was stunning in an olive-green dress, which skimmed her tiny dancer body perfectly. Her hair was in loose waves around her face.
Over the past three years, our weekly Skype check-ins had been something I’d looked forward to. More than I cared to admit. I was still madly in love with her, and even though we’d never be a couple again it was more important to me that I’d rebuilt our friendship.
With Zane graduating, our video calls would be ending. It made me unbearably sad, but I was determined to stay strong. For her. For my boy.
Today, I’d focus on celebrating our son’s milestone.
After we took him to dinner at Canlis, Zane left to go party with his friends. He’d come a long way from the nerdy kid who only had
Ty. He was very popular with a lot of different social groups in his high school. The drama club kids. Band kids. Even the jocks. All of them loved Zane.
Lianne and I remained seated at our table at the iconic restaurant looking over Lake Union. She ran her finger along the rim of her wineglass, lost in thought. Her gray eyes sparkled in the candlelight.
“Hard to believe we have a kid that graduated.” I leaned back in the booth and crossed my arms, if only to avoid doing something stupid like trying to hold her hand.
“I was just thinking that.” She leaned back too. “I was also thinking that you seem really nervous, is everything alright?”
I considered what to say. Straightforward. That’s what always worked with her. “I’m sad that our calls are coming to an end. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you again. As adults this time.”
“Why would our calls come to an end? Zane’s still going to be living with you, right?”
“Um, yeah. He’s starting a band with Ty.”
Lianne reached across the table and wiggled her fingers. I looked at her graceful hand and then up at her. She nodded. I unfurled my arms and slid my hand to hers. We linked fingers.
“You’ve come a long way. I’m proud of you. You’ve been wonderful with Zane.” Lianne gripped me tightly. “That’s all I ever wanted from you, Carter.”
A lump formed in my throat. “I know.”
“Forgive yourself, baby. I have.” She withdrew her hand, but leaned forward. “You’re the same wonderful man I fell in love with.”
I closed my eyes to stave off tears that threatened to spill. “It’s hard when you lost the two people that ever mattered to you.”
“You haven’t lost Zane. I’m right here.” Her eyes pleaded with me. “You haven’t lost us, you just lost your way to us for a while.”
“Do you still need to take the redeye? Can you stay a couple of days?” I practically begged.
Her eyes shone with tears. “I’m due in rehearsal tomorrow. I can’t.”
I guided her out the door with my hand at the small of her back. It felt like we were a couple again. All of the electricity. The sparks. We still had it. While we waited for the valet to pull up with my Bentley, I couldn’t help it. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged. Tight.
She rested her hands at my waist before clinging to me too. “Carter…”
“I love you, Lianne.” I kissed her forehead. Looked her in the eye. “I love you.”
She tilted her lips up to mine and I caught them in a kiss that could only be described as life-altering. Not because it was particularly passionate. Or full of any promises. It was just us. All we had ever been. Everything we should have been. What we were now.
Perfection.
In one moment.
The car appeared. I held the door open for Lianne and tipped the valet. When I sat in the driver’s seat, I reached over and took her hand, placing it on my thigh. She squeezed. We looked at each other and smiled. I hated that I was taking her to the airport and not back home. With me.
“Look, Carter.” Lianne removed her hand from my leg as we sped down I-5 to SeaTac. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
My heart thumped. Heavy. It felt like a bowling ball was trying to pass through my body into my stomach. “You don’t need to say it.”
“I do need to say something.” Lianne turned in the seat to face me. “I’ll always love you. Be in love with you. I’ve never stopped hoping that we might have another chance.”
“I want that so much—”
“Buuuuttt…” she interrupted. “I only have a few more years to dance professionally. I need to focus on myself right now. Do you understand?”
I did. Of course I did.
“I’ll support you however I can.” I reached over and stroked her knee. “I’ll help out Zane and whatever this band turns out to be.”
Lianne took my hand resting on her knee in both hands and brought it to her lips. Kissed my knuckles one at a time. My dick immediately tried to burst out of my jeans. “Do we have time to stop at our viewpoint?”
I navigated across the West Seattle Bridge to Hamilton Viewpoint, which provided the best view of Seattle, in my opinion. No one was ever here. I pulled into the parking lot. We sat gazing at the Seattle skyline for a few minutes.
Lianne opened her car door and stood at the railing, her hair softly blew around her face in the spring breeze. I joined her, tugging her toward me and resuming the kiss we’d started earlier. Her fingers combed through my hair. I cupped her ass and lifted her. She locked her legs around my waist, allowing me to grind against her heat.
In between kisses, her hand slowly trailed down my chest and stomach before she cupped my bulge and squeezed. “Fuck me, Carter.”
Not wanting to break the mood, I led her to the car and opened the door to the backseat. I scooted in and she climbed in on my lap, straddling me. We made out like teenagers, dry humping and groping. Finally, I worked my hand up under her dress and found her soaking. “Are you sure?”
“I’ve never wanted you more,” she gasped.
And so, in the backseat of my three-hundred-thousand-dollar car, I made love to Lianne for the first time in nearly thirteen years. Looking into each other’s eyes, we soared to heights we could have never reached as teenagers. Not without the heartaches we’d endured. The fuck-ups. The hardships.
We’d been through them all.
Maybe not always together, but tethered by the invisible string of our love. A love that could only happen once in a lifetime.
EPILOGUE
CARTER
Present Day
After the Mission show, LTZ’s prospects grew exponentially. Over the years, I’d taught the guys all that I knew. The importance of playing as many live shows as possible, building the band’s fanbase and selling merchandise to supplement the band income while on the road. They were great learners, and were due to head out on their first tour.
I’d procured a great management contract for them. A booking agent. What I was most excited about was the distribution-only deal LTZ would have with my label. The band’s incredible social media following gave them a ton of leverage. LTZ was worth the hype, though. Their sound would change the world. I was sure of it.
“What do I do, Lianne? Ty told me he doesn’t want to go out on the road. He’s in love with a high school girl and is about to throw it all away for her.” Our Skype calls were no longer weekly, they were at least daily at this point. She still lived in Colorado. We’d hooked up once or twice since Zane’s graduation, but told no one. It was our little secret. She wasn’t even remotely ready to be back in a relationship with me.
But, I’d wait.
She’d be mine again, eventually.
“Do you like the girl? I mean, I was that girl once.” She was sitting cross-legged on the couch across from her computer. Fresh-faced. No makeup.
“You look like that same girl to me.” I waggled my eyebrows. “And, yes. She’s a nice girl. She adores Ty. He’s fully whipped over her. It’s just that he needs to focus on the band, and all he can think about is her.”
“I think you’re projecting a little, baby.” She was so wise. “Ask yourself, what would have changed for you if we weren’t together?”
“I can’t answer that. All I know is that the temptations are overwhelming at that age. When I was at this stage in my music career, I didn’t have the maturity to say no to the drugs. And when I was fucked up, I made shitty decisions that ruined our relationship. I don’t want that for Ty. Or for Zoey,” I answered honestly. “If I could spare anyone an ounce of pain I caused you, I would do that.”
“Shouldn’t they figure it out on their own? I mean, Ty isn’t you, Carter.”
“Of course. It’s just that Zane is worried. He talks to me about it almost every day. Ty is shy. A little insecure, but also a stubborn kid. And he wants her. Only her. He’s so young. And inexperienced. In many ways, far more innocent than I was at his age.” I had clea
rly given this situation a ton of thought. “Bottom line, all the guys want this so badly. Ty falling ass over nuts in love the summer before LTZ’s big break wasn’t something anyone saw coming.”
“You’re really stressed about this.” Lianne moved closer to the screen. “Because of Zane?”
“Partly. But Ty has become like a son to me. He needs this. Connor needs this. Jace and Zane may not need it, but they want it. Have worked hard for it. Ty is instrumental to their success. He and Zane are the magic of the band.” I loved being able to reason things out with Lianne. She grounded me. “I’ve grown to care for all of the guys. And even though I’ve put so much effort into this, that’s not why I’m concerned. I just want them to have a taste. Then decide if it’s for them. Not many people get this opportunity, and they have it. You’re right, though. I should stay out of it.”
“Hmmm. Well, I see your point. Why don’t you have a chat with the girl—Zoey, right?” Leanne asked.
I nodded.
“See what she’s thinking. Ask if she can let Ty go for a few months. Tell her our story. Maybe that’s a more subtle way you could handle it.”
I considered the advice carefully. Stayed silent too long.
“Carter?”
“Would that have worked on you?” I cocked my head and scrubbed the stubble on my chin with my hand.
“Fuck no. Nothing would have kept me away from you.” Lianne laughed heartily. “But at least if you have the talk, then you’ve done all you can.”
“Alright. I like that plan. She’s always at the studio, I’ll have a chat with her in the next couple of days. Wish me luck.”
“You don’t need it, baby. You have a way with words.” Lianne kissed at the screen.
“I’ll see you in Denver when they come through. You’ll want to come to the show.” God how I loved her. How I still had hope that we could find our way back to each other someday. Soon.
Lianne crossed her arms and smiled radiantly at me through the screen. “I wouldn’t miss it, Carter. Not for the world.”
RESTLESS: A Less Than Zero Rockstar Romance Prequel: Book 0.5 - Carter & Lianne Page 4