by Drew Sera
When I felt that I was calm and in control of my breathing again, I left the men’s room and went outside just in time for Master Luke’s rope class. Since there was only one other person in attendance, we got lots of great hands on instruction. But concentration was a problem for me right now, and I struggled with it. I had put myself on autopilot from the dungeon thing with Paul, but it wasn’t helping.
Despite really wanting to get the most out of this class, I wasn’t able to concentrate. I wouldn’t say that I was confused about what happened earlier, but I wasn’t entirely clear either. I thought that things were going fine until Paul pulled my belt off. When he hit me with it, I wanted out of there. I was angry at myself for having volunteered without fully understanding what I was volunteering for. I wanted to show that I wasn’t afraid to get my hands dirty and learn something. Blake was mad. I could tell.
“Careful there, Anthony,” Master Luke said, pulling me from my thoughts.
I looked down and realized that I had just made a bunch of knots with my rope. Fuck. Way to go dickhead. I apologized and unraveled my mess.
I took a few moments and tried clearing my head. I tried what my dad always tries getting me to do; calm down, relax and concentrate on breathing.
Come on, Graves! Pull it together! I practically begged myself.
I gathered the rope as Master Luke showed us at the beginning of the class, and took it back to him.
“Thank you for taking the time to show me some rope patterns and also for the care of rope.” I held the rope out to him, but he didn’t take it.
“Is everything ok?” he asked.
Why would he ask? Did he know about the dungeon? He couldn’t…could he? Did I look like something was wrong?
“We could work on rope patterns all afternoon if you’d like, Anthony.”
Fuck. That under normal circumstances would be great, but right now I really needed to be alone for a while. I needed to clear my head and prepare for this evening.
“I’m sorry, Master Luke. I’m not feeling well, and I think I need to rest before this evening.”
“Are you sure everything is ok?”
“Yes, sir. I just need to lie down.”
“Do you need a lift?”
“No, sir. Thank you, though. I’ve got it covered.”
My arm was still outstretched and held the rope. The longer I stood there, the closer I desperately needed out of there.
“Keep the rope, Anthony. Bring it with you tomorrow, and you and I can go over the stuff you will have missed from this afternoon.”
Shit, that was awfully nice of him. I nodded my thanks and ran up the path to the club and quickly made my way to the lobby. I called a cab from the guest phone and waited outside. I paced back and forth to keep my feet moving.
Not soon enough, I was back in my hotel room and flopped on the bed.
“Fuck!”
I pushed myself upright and stayed still until the stinging subsided. I should have known better. I pulled my tee shirt off and went to the bathroom to examine it.
“Fuck me!”
I knew I was breathing hard and tried to focus on something else to calm myself down. All I could focus on though was my back that was on fire. I looked around for something that would help. Maybe I should have stopped at the first aid station after all. I might visit the first aid station as soon as I get back to the club for some of that soothing lotion. I walked toward the window and looked out. Reaching out, I felt how cold the glass was on the back of my hand. I turned around and pressed my back against the cold window.
“Fuck!”
While the window was cool and soothing, when I stepped away from it, the burning feeling intensified. I was a fucking pussy. I changed for tonight and went to grab a bite to eat before catching a cab and going to Irons. I hoped that I hadn’t blown my chances.
When I got to the club, I quickly found my way to the first aid station which was downstairs by the care stations. I pulled my shirt off, and despite it being very uncomfortable, I let the lady rub the lotion over my back. I pulled my black t-shirt on and headed back upstairs to find the person I’m supposed to be shadowing tonight.
I was shadowing Master Henry when Blake said he wanted to talk to me. Fuck. I’m sure there would be ramifications from the dungeon thing this afternoon.
“Luke told me you weren’t feeling well and went back to your hotel for a while this afternoon,” Blake said.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I couldn’t concentrate. I wasn’t of any use here if I couldn’t focus on what was going on around me.”
“You were just feeling under the weather?” he asked.
I really didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I really wasn’t feeling well.
“Something like that?” he asked.
There is something about Blake that makes him so easy to be around. It was as though he knew something was on my mind from earlier, but that he wasn’t going to push me.
“Yes, something like that,” I said, hoping he’d accept that was my explanation for earlier.
“You don’t have to say anything back about what I’m going to say, Anthony. But I want you to promise me that you will listen.”
“I’ll listen.”
“I want to apologize to you about earlier today. I shouldn’t have permitted that to go on. I think something clearly didn’t sit well with you. Not only do I believe that it made you uneasy, but I think it may have confused you some. You second-guessed a lot of things this afternoon, I imagine. Do you have any close friends in the lifestyle, Anthony?”
I shook my head, stunned at how accurate his observation of me and the situation was.
“So, you went to your hotel and second-guessed a lot of what you thought you knew. Anthony, don’t second guess yourself. You are the same man right now as you were this morning before you volunteered for Paul’s demo.”
How did he know? Was I that easy to read?
“Thank you, Blake.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Anthony. I was merely telling you something that you already know to be true deep down.”
I heard him and it sunk in. I wasn’t Paul’s submissive toy. And volunteering didn’t make me submissive either. Blake understood how I was feeling, though it didn’t make me feel much better as I made my way back to the hotel.
I was full of a mixture of defeat and anxiety. Looking back at my actions this weekend, I realized that I shouldn’t have left Saturday after I fucked up in the rope class. I just knew I wasn’t clear and that I couldn’t take part in the shadowing of the dungeon monitors without a clear head. While I know it was the right decision for me to clear my head before taking on that responsibility, I think it probably cost me a spot in the mentorship program.
On my way to my room, I lost a grand at a fucking blackjack table. Fuck. I pulled my clothes off and stood near the couch, looking over the room service menu. I called down and placed the order for a bacon burger, fries, and a few Cokes.
Supposedly I had twenty minutes before my food would arrive. I had plenty of time to take a shower. As I stood in the shower and let the warm water slide down the front of my body, I wondered how long it'd be before I heard for sure. Blake said I'd be notified by next Saturday. This was going to be a long week.
It wasn’t as though I'd be short of anything to do. I had final exams coming up in two weeks. Crunch time and I needed to hit the books. While I ate, I pulled out one of my books and began pouring over the material. I was reading the same paragraph for the third time when the phone rang and startled me.
"Fuck," I swore out loud.
Why do phones ringing in hotel rooms sound so creepy and alarming?
"Hello?" I spoke into the receiver and grabbed my Coke to chase down some food I had just shoved in my mouth.
"Anthony, it's Blake. I'm sorry to catch you at such a late hour, but do you have a few minutes?"
Fuck!
I pushed the chair back from the table and
began pacing.
"No problem at all, Blake."
"Were you already sleeping?"
"No, just eating dinner and studying.”
"Dinner? It's well after midnight."
My heart was pounding. I was hoping he called to tell me the news; good or bad.
"The reason for my call is of course about the mentoring program. I know it's late so I'm not going to drag this out."
"Ok," I said while staring at the floor, ready for the news.
"I'm going to mentor you."
Not only was I being accepted into the program, but Blake was going to mentor me. I'm sure there'd be others helping, but fuck I didn't care. I was in!
"Are you still there, Anthony?"
"Yes! Sorry, yes, I'm here. I'm just...wow...this is great news. Thank you so much. I don't know what to say. I'm kind of in shock here."
Blake laughed and continued.
"Are you flying home tomorrow?"
"Yes, flight leaves in the afternoon."
"Do you have a pen?"
I raced to my notebook and grabbed a pen and put it on a piece of paper.
"Yes."
He gave me his address and asked me if I would be able to be at his house in the morning. I told him I'd be there whenever he wanted, and we agreed on eleven in the morning. I hung the phone up and stared out the window over the glittering lights.
I was in!
I was sitting out on the patio of Blake’s huge yard, chatting about the mentorship program. This was like a dream come true. I wanted a spot in the mentorship program so badly.
"So, you graduate in a few weeks. I don't want to pull you away from your studies. You finish school first, and then you and I will begin," Blake said.
I was stunned.
"Are the other mentors ok with that? I don’t want any special treatment."
“Anthony, typically, each person selected into the mentorship program has anywhere from three to five different mentors. They pull a little bit from each mentor. You are going to be a little different. While you will still be exposed to all of the other mentors, I will primarily mentor you. That doesn’t mean that I won’t encourage you to watch a particular scene or demo from another mentor though.”
I nodded and couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I had Blake, the owner of Irons, mentoring me. He hand-picked me!
“Anthony, I know you’ve been through tons of questions and interviews over the past two and a half days, but I have another question for you. You may have never even entertained this question or thought much about it yet. Tell me, what is it that you love most about being a Dominant?”
Without a doubt, I knew this answer.
“The feeling.”
“The sex?” he asked.
I shook my head and laughed, though the sex was good too.
“I love the feeling of being needed and giving someone something that they need. Or want or desire. I love knowing that I met their need.”
Blake nodded and smiled broadly.
“Excellent, Anthony. You’re going to do very well.”
Chapter Fifteen
May 1996
I stood under the warm sun staring at my diploma with my dad beside me when a familiar voice made my head jerk in the direction of it.
“Congratulations, Anthony,” Blake said as he stood in front of me.
Oh, fuck.
Blake and his wife were here at my graduation…with my dad standing right next to me.
“Blake Eriksson and this is my wife, Cathy,” Blake introduced himself and his wife to my dad.
“Richard Graves, I'm Anthony's dad.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Richard. You have a fine young man here and must be very proud.”
“Anthony has worked hard and is a strong young man. I'm so proud of all of his accomplishments,” my dad said.
This wasn’t happening. I was almost afraid to move. I had no idea how to talk around this, but Blake was so clam.
“I own a business in Las Vegas and have been talking with Anthony about a possible job.”
Though my dad was polite, I could feel the fact that he disliked the idea of me possibly getting a job in Las Vegas. He didn’t want me to go back there. I knew he didn’t. Somehow, the three of them worked out dinner arrangements, and Blake and Cathy followed us to the restaurant. On the way to the restaurant, my dad brought up Las Vegas, of course.
“When were you going to tell me about the job possibility in Las Vegas?” he asked.
“I didn’t even know if I had it yet, Dad.”
“How long ago did you apply?”
My mind raced, and I decided that I had to treat it somewhat as what it was. In a roundabout way.
“I applied in December.”
I heard my dad’s short laugh, which was followed by a sigh.
“Dad,” I started, but he had stuff on his chest.
“Would it kill you to communicate, Anthony. You are my son, and I love you. I would have loved to have been a part of your job hunting process. Believe it or not, you’re not alone and don’t have to do everything on your own.”
“I’ve always done things on my own.”
“I know, but you don’t have to anymore, son.”
I didn’t want to go to dinner rattled, so I tried to smooth things over.
“Look, we don’t even know if I have the job.”
“Well, for a business owner to jet over to your college graduation, I’d think you probably have it in the bag.”
I sat quietly. I didn’t know how to fix this.
“What kind of job is it?”
“Finance.”
“Where?”
“At a nightclub.”
“Dammit, Anthony.
“I don’t have an official offer, so relax.”
“I just hate to see you in that environment, Anthony. You’re so smart.”
“What does that even mean? It’s just a job. Finance is the same everywhere no matter if it’s a crappy restaurant or a billion dollar company.”
“It’s just that I don’t want you around that atmosphere.”
We were arguing over something completely fantasy, it was ridiculous. I had no job offer anywhere yet. But he was laying his cards out on the table for me anyhow.
“It’s not a bad atmosphere, Dad.”
“Yes, it is! Scantily clad women hanging on you, trying to make a damn dollar, throwing themselves at anything just to make ends meet. You don’t want to be some woman’s ten-second fantasy. I don’t want you to be twenty-four with a kid on the way messing up your life.”
Fuck, that sliced through me like a knife. I suddenly found myself shaking. I was that kid that almost fucked up his life. The car was quiet. All you could hear was the a/c blowing out of the vents.
“Mom should have aborted me. Then I wouldn’t be messing your life up now. Why didn’t you just tell her to abort me?”
“Anthony, I didn’t mean that.”
“You met my mom in the strip club. She was just a fling for you. You were already established in your career and weren’t going to mess with a kid. I get it. I understand that you don’t want me to make the same mistake you did.”
“Oh, Anthony, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
I stared down at the crease in my pant leg and pretended to be straightening it. I was sorry that I ever called him that day from school.
“You could have left me at the hospital. I’m sorry I called you and dumped all of my problems in your lap. I know you wanted nothing to do with me.” I swallowed hard and looked out the window on the way to the restaurant. “I practiced all day at school that day, what I’d say to you. I tried to figure out what I’d do if you didn’t answer or if you wanted no part of me even then. I was going to go to the park where I used to go to after they had their way with me. I was just going to die there, that way I wouldn’t be at home. You were all I had. Don’t worry though; I’m never going to have kids. I know I’m not ‘normal’ enough to raise a kid, ever. I’l
l never get some girl or co-worker pregnant, so get that out of your mind.”
I couldn’t even look at him. He was completely ashamed of me and everything I am. I let my diploma slide off my lap onto the floorboards of his Mercedes as we came to a stop at a light. I didn’t even bother retrieving it. It didn’t matter. I was still trash from a shitty run-down house in Vegas. I was brought into this world by a pole dancer and would always be a mistake and a throwaway fling to his father.
At least he used some of the settlement money for my college. I would have felt like shit if he had actually spent a dime on me.
“Anthony.”
I wouldn’t acknowledge him right now. I was watching Blake and his wife pulling into the parking lot behind us. I had to calm down and not screw this up with Blake. Before I got out of the car, my dad reached over and took hold of my arm.
“Anthony, I love you and never meant for anything to sound contradictorily.”
I nodded, but wouldn’t look at him. I knew I was a disgrace to him.
While we waited for our food, my dad asked Blake some questions about the made up job that he had created. He was quick on his feet and was able to rattle anything off that he thought would make my dad feel better. I was cutting into my steak when Blake asked an innocent enough question that caused me to fumble.
“You seem to like Las Vegas a lot, Anthony. What brought you to California?”
I dropped my fork on the plate and tried grabbing it with my hand that had the knife, but ended up dropping both of them.
“Anthony,” my dad said my name quietly.
I knew he was just trying to get me to slow down and calm down.
“Forgive me; it's not my business. I apologize for asking,” Blake said.
“No, it's ok. Please, excuse me for a minute.”
I set my napkin down and calmly went to the men’s room. I went into a stall and leaned against the door when I shut it. I loosened my tie and rubbed over my chest until I realized I was crying. Replaying in my head was the conversation I had with my dad on the way over here. He was all I had, and he was disgusted by me. I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake he made. I decided that tomorrow I’d look into getting a vasectomy. No kid needs to ever be subjected to me.