It wasn’t until the distraction of cleaning went away that the gravity of the situation sank in for Sammi. What had felt like cleaning the apartment for her friends to come home to suddenly turned into a spotless but lonely home for one. Now that everything was done for the apartment, she didn’t know what she was supposed to do about her grief, a job, or even about her marriage.
Cleaning had at least earned her some time to rest, so Sammi curled up on the couch and pulled the Giants blanket down over top of her. She found episodes of her team’s old favorite show saved on the television, wondering why Eli had also continued to pay for cable if he didn’t live there, and allowed herself to enjoy something that had once brought her and her friends joy and laughter. Halfway into the first episode, Sammi was already yawning and she drifted slowly off to sleep while telling herself that this was exactly what she had needed.
But the memories couldn’t do good forever and Sammi quickly learned that over the next few days as every corner of every room was haunted by invisible images of her friends. It had been soothing at first, having their memories keep her company. But days later, they were weighing heavy and all but consuming her as she never left the apartment. And her not talking to anybody, anybody at all, was not helping.
*
When Mack showed up for work on Monday after Hobbs had given him time off, everyone was surprised and confused to see him since his name had been taken off the case board for the week. Hobbs immediately called him into his office and Mack knew that he wasn’t going to trust him to be level-headed out on the streets. But Mack hadn’t known what else to do when he woke up in the morning.
“What happened?” Hobbs asked out of true concern as Mack sat across from him at his desk.
“She’s gone,” Mack told him with a shrug. “She told me she has to figure this out for herself and she left me.”
“Do you at least know where she is?” Hobbs questioned him.
“She said she’d be staying in the old apartment she had shared with Eli. But I really wouldn’t be surprised if she lied.” Mack shrugged again. There was no hope anywhere in his voice.
“I think I have that address in a case file somewhere, and I’m pretty sure Mazzeline is home from the hospital. Would you mind if I sent him over there?” Hobbs offered.
“If you want to risk his life like that,” Mack said, finally cracking a smile.
“I’ll tell him to go armed,” Hobbs added with a chuckle.
Hobbs told Mack that he could work with Palma for the week, but Palma was to take the lead on any of their cases. Mack didn’t argue because he knew he wouldn’t be at the top of his game. And he knew he was lucky that Hobbs was even letting him on a case.
Mack was very docile working with Palma that day, and Palma was alarmed by the out-of-character behavior. Mack was obviously distracted, and he wasn’t exactly helpful while talking to any witnesses or suspects, so Palma ended up doing most of the work. But Palma didn’t mind covering for Mack because he felt for the guy and what he was going through. He also felt like he owed him for everything Mack had done for him when he first got his shield, and now he finally got the chance to pay him back for it all.
*
Sammi was half asleep on the couch in the apartment when there was a knock on the door. Assuming it was Mack, which annoyed her because he wasn’t respecting her need for space, she ignored it. She hadn’t talked to anybody else since being back in New York so nobody else should know that she was even there.
“You in there, Sammi?” the visitor called through the door after knocking again. “It’s Mazzeline!”
Surprised, Sammi rolled off the couch and hurried over to the door to let her former job partner into the apartment. Mazzeline was dressed in black jogging pants and a white t-shirt with his right arm in a sling, matching Sammi’s own. He handed her a chocolate milkshake as she let him inside and led him over to the couch.
“What happened to your arm?” Sammi asked as she and Mazzeline sat next to each other on the sofa.
“Shot in the shoulder,” Mazzeline told her nonchalantly. “Hobbs told me about your friends…and, you know…”
“Hobbs needs to stay out of my life,” Sammi grumbled, more to herself than to Mazzeline.
“You do know that we all care about you, right?” Mazzeline asked sternly to get his point across, his eyebrows narrowing.
“And you get that I don’t want anyone to worry about me, right?” Sammi responded, making herself sound just a little bit more serious than he had.
“Sammi, I have always admired how tough you are. But you can be strong without pushing everyone out of your life. It’s often harder to let others help you than to cut them out completely.”
“I don’t want help. I don’t want Hobbs sending his little pets to lecture me. And I don’t want Mack to wait for me to feel better.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, it felt like a large rock crash-landed on her chest and rolled down into her stomach. She regretted even thinking that way about Mack and she felt sick about it.
“I didn’t mean that,” Sammi whispered, guilt written all over her face.
“I know you didn’t,” Mazzeline told her. “I know you don’t believe me, but Mack has been a mess without you. The two of you have something special and I’d hate for you to throw that away.”
“I’m not trying to hurt him,” Sammi replied quietly, hanging her head.
“He probably knows that. Just try to take it easy on him.”
Sammi nodded and Mazzeline tried changing the subject by offering to take her out for lunch. But she hadn’t even taken a sip of the milkshake and it was no surprise that she had nothing even resembling an appetite. So, he forced another few minutes of conversation before hugging her goodbye and letting her be alone again.
Mazzeline’s visit actually helped Sammi feel a little bit better. She was grateful to have him in her life and for helping her realize she didn’t want to lose Mack. She wasn’t ready to go after her husband just yet, but she vowed to never treat him as coldly again as she had that weekend.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Fade into Me
A week passed with Sammi not leaving the apartment and not speaking to anyone else since Mazzeline’s visit. She slept most of the time, always on the couch and never in the bedroom. The bedroom had the hardest memories to face and Sammi didn’t like the way they hovered over her like a heavy cloud when she was just passing through to the bathroom or the closet.
By the end of that week, though, Sammi had no choice but to finally leave her hiding place and go grocery shopping. It was late in the afternoon when she left the apartment and chose to walk the six blocks to the store that she and Eli had always gone to for their groceries. Much to her surprise, the ghost of Eli’s memory seemed to tag along to remind her of how obnoxious but adorable they had been as a couple. They had always made out on street corners and chased each other down grocery aisles. People always stared, but they had always liked to think it was out of jealousy.
Of course, Sammi hadn’t been prepared for these thoughts and they were more than she had bargained for. Not only did they remind her that Eli was never coming back, but they also made her miss Mack more than ever. As she entered the supermarket, she completely forgot why she was there and ended up aimlessly wandering the aisles.
Forty-five minutes later, Sammi left the store empty-handed. Clouds had moved in to hide the sun as it had begun raining, but Sammi didn’t mind or even seem to notice. She took her time walking back to her apartment building and didn’t do anything to shield herself from the cold raindrops falling on her exposed, vulnerable skin. Cars honked as they splashed through puddles beside her, trying to give her a fair warning, but she never once looked up.
Approaching her building, Sammi noticed someone standing just outside with an umbrella. The way the man held himself and the shape of his body was very familiar to Sammi but the rain pelting her face made it difficult to see. It wasn’t until she was
within a few feet of him that she realized it was Anthony, and her heart hit the wet ground. As badly as she didn’t want to face him, she knew he was there to see her, and it was too late to avoid being spotted. So, she stood in front of him, soaking wet, and looked up into his face, wearing nothing but self-pity on her own.
Anthony looked at Sammi with coldness in his eyes. It was such a change from the usual fondness he’d always shown her, and it frightened her. She waited for him to speak first, unsure of the purpose for this visit.
“You just couldn’t stop until you drained every last bit of Kodi’s soul from her, could you?” Anthony snapped at Sammi, rage flashing across his face.
“What—what are you talking about?” Sammi asked, her voice shaking with fear as she took a step back from him.
“She wanted to come home and you wouldn’t let her,” Anthony explained, drawing a handful of loose papers from inside his long black coat. “She wanted to come home and start a life with me but now she’s dead because she had to put YOU first!”
“I told her to come home to you!” Sammi cried out as tears came to her eyes. “Nobody could ever tell her what to do! You should know that!”
“And you shouldn’t have taken her from me!”
“I didn’t!”
“YOU killed her!”
Anthony raised his arm as if to swing at Sammi’s face, but Sammi ducked, closing her eyes and squeezing out more tears.
“Hey!” someone yelled, coming up the sidewalk. “Leave her alone!”
Anthony tossed the letters from Kodi at Sammi, who was still squatting in the rain. They landed in puddles on the sidewalk around her and the rain washed away Kodi’s words. Then Anthony turned and walked away, still as dry as could be under the protection of his umbrella.
Sammi finally dropped all the way down to her knees and held her head while she let go entirely, crying and sobbing louder than ever before. The rain fell harder, masking the sounds of her breakdown but soaking her through to the bone. Suddenly, a strong arm hooked around her back and pulled her to her feet.
“Give me your key,” Mack told her, steering her toward the entrance to her apartment building.
Sammi just turned her eyes on him, blankly staring at his face while her sobbing quieted and her tears slowed. Mack had also been prepared with his own umbrella and he shifted it into his other hand so he could cover Sammi with it, not that it made any difference by that point. He was gentle as he guided Sammi and patient with her as he waited for her to register his request to hand over her key to the apartment.
Once inside the decently warm apartment, Mack helped Sammi sit down at the tiny kitchen table before trying to find something to warm her up. He quickly discovered that her cupboards and the fridge were all bare. Shaking his head, he made his way into the bathroom to retrieve some towels.
Sammi seemed to have calmed down for the most part by the time Mack returned and handed her a towel. Her crying had ceased and there was life present in her dancing blue eyes again. She was watching Mack with curiosity and hope, opening her mouth to speak but stopping herself each time.
“Are you okay?” Mack asked with genuine concern, kneeling before her with his left arm resting across her knees.
“It is my fault,” Sammi said flatly as she looked down into Mack’s eyes.
“Samantha, listen to me,” Mack replied, suddenly more serious than he had ever been with her before. “Nobody, and I mean nobody, blames you for what happened. Anthony is grieving just like you, and I promise you that he didn’t mean what he said.”
“Why are you being nice to me?” Sammi asked, leaning slightly forward toward him.
“Because I love you, Sammi. I know you’re in a lot of pain right now and I know this isn’t really you. But I believe you’ll come back to me. I believe the obnoxiously confident, no fear, love of my life is still in there fighting to get back to me.”
Sammi threw her arms around Mack’s neck and slid off the chair to kneel in front of him. Mack sat back on his heels and pulled Sammi into his lap as she clung tighter to his neck and buried her face into the grey t-shirt covering his chest. He was warm and brought comfort to Sammi’s chilled, rain-drenched body.
Mack could feel Sammi shivering from the cold of her damp clothes as he held her. He hugged her tighter to his body, trying to warm her up as Sammi melted into him and he kissed her wet hair.
“You should go take a hot shower,” Mack said softly, kissing Sammi’s hair again, so relieved to have his sweet wife back in his arms.
“Will you be here when I get out?” Sammi asked quietly, hugging his neck tighter as if she was afraid to let go.
“Of course, I will,” Mack told her. “You don’t have any food so I’m gonna order us something. Any requests?”
“Get whatever you want. Just don’t leave.”
Mack kissed Sammi once more, on the cheek this time, before releasing her. Sammi hurried into the bathroom while Mack picked himself up off the kitchen floor to look at the takeout menus on Sammi’s fridge.
*
Alone in the bathroom, Sammi was joined by Eli’s memory once again. Instead of the good Eli from the sidewalks and the supermarket, this was the bad Eli that had scared her out of sleeping in their bed during the past week. Sammi knew it was all in her head, feeling guilty about falling for Mack all over again, but the guilt was winning. All she could think about, the only images in her head, were from the day Eli found out about Mack and knew that Sammi was going to abandon him for Mack before she had even known it herself.
“I’m sorry, Eli, I never meant to hurt you,” Sammi spoke to her reflection in the mirror after undressing.
Sammi stepped into the steaming hot shower and the near-boiling water embraced her trembling body. She enjoyed the warmth and let it wash over her, trying to clear her thoughts. But she was at her weakest when she was alone with these thoughts and Eli’s memory wasn’t letting her forget what she had done to him and how he’d died for her anyway.
Consumed by guilt and grief, Sammi sat on the shower floor and pulled her knees to her chest, letting the water continue to rain down over her. She remembered how she felt in the hospital in California and how all she wanted was to join her friends. That hadn’t changed and tears came to her eyes as she actually considered asking her husband to do her one last favor and selflessly take her life. If anyone could get away with it, it would be him, especially since Hobbs would understand and probably support the idea so Mack would finally be free of her and her harmful influence on his life.
But Sammi realized she didn’t need Mack’s help as she noticed Eli’s rusty old razor resting on the soap rack in the shower. As she reached for the forgotten friend, she saw Eli’s disapproving face next to where it lay. She startled only slightly, knowing it was her imagination, but pulled her hand back anyway.
“Don’t,” Eli’s voice spoke inside Sammi’s head.
“Why not?” Sammi grumbled aloud to herself.
“Because cop boy needs you,” Eli replied without resentment.
“He would be better off without me, just like you, Kodi, and Howard would have been,” Sammi said bluntly.
“Don’t be silly, Sammi.”
“I want you back, Eli.”
“You’ll see me again one day, I promise. Just don’t forget me.”
With those final words, Sammi let go of Eli’s image and cried into her hands. She had run the hot water cold but didn’t seem to notice.
*
When the food was delivered, Mack realized that Sammi had been in the shower for quite some time. He dropped the food on the kitchen counter, walked through the bedroom and knocked on the closed wooden bathroom door. He could hear that the shower was still running but there was no response to his knocking, so he let himself into the bathroom and drew back the shower curtain.
Sammi was curled into a ball on the shower floor, sobbing under less-than-warm water. Mack hurried to turn the water off before lifting his wife out of the shower an
d wrapping her in the last dry towel in the apartment.
“Dammit, Sam,” Mack whispered, realizing she was shivering all over again.
With Sammi wrapped in the towel, Mack picked her up and carried her out to the bedroom where he placed her on the undisturbed bed. Then he went in the closet to find her some sweatpants and a big sweatshirt to put on so she would be warm and comfortable. After laying the clothes in front of her, Mack walked a few steps back toward the closet to a spot he had noticed on the carpet. It was faint but it was definitely a bloodstain: his blood from Eli shooting him in the knee. He hadn’t thought about that day in a very long while and he suddenly realized where the strange clicking in his left leg had come from. As he rubbed his sock-clad foot over the rounded square stain, he smiled.
“What are you looking at?” Sammi asked, wiping the tears from her face with the towel before standing up to get dressed.
“Come here,” Mack said, reaching an open hand out toward her.
Sammi finished dressing and dashed over to her husband, taking his outstretched hand. She stood beside him and looked down at the floor to see what he saw. Thinking she had entirely missed a spot cleaning, her face burned from embarrassment.
“Do you know what that is?” Mack asked, squeezing Sammi’s hand.
“No, I didn’t even see that,” Sammi admitted, her face still red.
“I took a bullet for you right here,” Mack told her, turning her toward him and pulling her to his chest. “And I’d take a million more.”
“I don’t deserve you, Mack Johnson,” Sammi mumbled into his chest, hugging his waist.
“You’re right, you deserve way better,” Mack replied with a nervous chuckle and kissed the top of Sammi’s head.
Sammi wanted to kiss her husband, but she wasn’t ready. Her trauma was keeping her emotionally blocked off from him, so she just squeezed his waist tightly before leading him out to the kitchen and getting plates out for their dinner. Mack had ordered pizza from the Italian place he had ordered from the first night Sammi slept in his apartment, even though Mack never knew that she had snuck out in the middle of the night to return to Eli.
Love Against the Law Page 23