"Forty," Maddie interrupted, moving her hand abruptly from where she'd been massaging his shoulders. "Forty years old, Tanner. As in not a child or a teenager or even a young woman. I'm a middle-aged wife and mother. Forty is middle-aged. I am not the same age as when you married me, but I swear, you will always think that you are wiser than I am. I'll be eighty and you'll be ninety-five and you'll still pull the wisdom card on me."
Ouch. Was he that bad? No...maybe. He ran through dozens of their conversations in his recent memory and he didn't like what he saw.
"I've been dismissive," Tanner said with a groan. "I haven't been listening, have I?"
"No, you haven't."
"I'm listening now."
"I thought we were talking about you."
"My problems can wait."
"So can mine." She turned toward him, their knees pressed together. "We've already started you so let's get that done first. You said that you're feeling restless but you don't know why."
He didn't know why but damn, he'd given it a hell of a lot of thought these past weeks.
"I'm glad I got fired."
The words were blunt and to the point. He'd never admitted them to himself but with Maddie he felt safe enough to say them out loud.
It was true. He was glad.
Whatever Maddie had been expecting him to say, that wasn't it. Her eyes were wide with shock and her mouth had fallen open.
"I'm glad I got fired," he repeated. That repressive weight that he'd been carrying around on his shoulders for months was suddenly lifted away. He felt better already. "It's hard for me to admit but it's the truth."
"You don't like being a sheriff anymore?"
"I don't know how to explain it." He jumped to his feet and began to pace the narrow area between the bed and the door. "I'm so mixed up about it all. I've done what I'm supposed to do. I followed the rules, Maddie. I went to work every day and gave it my all, and I did it for years. That's what you're supposed to do, right? But in the end, I didn't feel...shit...I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. All I know is this feeling started when I came home after the manhunt for Bryson."
He didn't expect her to understand and it was easy to see that she was struggling with what he was saying, her brows furrowed.
"Are you saying that you don't feel appreciated for all that you've done?"
"Fuck no," he said with a shake of his head. "If anything, I've been too appreciated. All the articles in the newspapers and magazines. I feel like I can't go anywhere without people recognizing my name. I hate that shit. No, it's something else and I wish I could put my finger on it. It's the feeling that...there's more."
"A new challenge?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure. I'm just not as content to live my life the way I have been. I feel like I've been following everyone else's rules all my life. I want to make a few rules of my own, but I'm not even sure what that would look like or what I would do. Let's face it. The only thing I'm trained for is law enforcement work. That's it. Logan's begging me to come work with them and I should want to do it..."
"But you don't," Maddie finished for him. "You didn't tell me that. I've been wondering if they called and offered you a job."
"They did but something is holding me back from taking it."
"If you're not excited to do it, then you're right to hesitate. I don't want you taking a job for the sake of having a job. I love what I do and I want you to feel the same." She tilted her head, her gaze steady on him. "If you hadn't been fired, what were you going to do?"
"Lie to myself," Tanner replied promptly. "I was planning to continue doing what I'm supposed to do until I retired. End of story."
"Tanner," she sighed. "That's terrible."
"It's no worse than a lot of people. Most don't go to jobs they love, Maddie-mine. They go because they need a paycheck."
"You don't need to do that."
"I need my pride."
"Society and your father have a lot to answer for. You've been brainwashed to think your only value is in bringing home the bacon."
"Probably."
She pointed to his cell phone that was sitting on the bedside table. "If you're getting the same messages that I am, you have to know that when we get back the new mayor - whoever that is - is going to offer you your old job back."
"I know."
"I don't want you to take it if you don't want it."
She made it sound so easy. Don't do what you don't want to.
"I don't know anything else."
"I don't believe that. You have many marketable skills." She began counting on her fingers. "Leadership, organization, people management, analysis. That's just a few. I bet I could think of a lot more if we took our time."
"And all of those skills add up to the job of sheriff. I think my going back is inevitable."
Maddie stood, throwing up her hands. "So that's your plan? You're going to go back to Springwood, go back to a job that you hate, feel restless, and get up at five in the morning every day until you die? That's the plan?"
Well...shit.
"When you say it like that it sounds stupid. When I said it in my head, it sounded so much smarter."
"It's not," she snorted. "You know what they say the definition of insanity is?"
"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result," he sighed. "So now I'm insane, too. That's just fantastic."
"So don't take your old job back."
"And do what? Because I have to do something. I've been ripping the house apart because I want to feel fucking productive. I'm going to need something to do every day."
She stood in front of him, her smile slowly widening on her face. "Then run for mayor."
What? Wait...no. No, he couldn't do that. Could he?
"Mayor? I don't know shit about being mayor."
"Yes, you do. You certainly know more than Pete did when he was elected. You've lived in Springwood your entire life and you know the ins and outs better than almost anyone. You said you wanted to make some of your own rules. This is your chance. You can help your neighbors and at the same time find that something more that you've been seeking."
Mayor. It wasn't the worst idea he'd ever heard but...
"Who would vote for me? I mean...besides you."
Throwing her head back, Maddie laughed until tears ran out of her eyes. "Are you kidding? Everyone would vote for you. It would be a landslide victory. You're revered in our little town, Tanner. You'd win if you ran. The job would be just up your alley. Leadership, organization, people management. It was practically made for you. You could really make a difference but in a different way."
It would be different. No less important. He might even be able to make improvements to the town that would last long after he was gone.
The first thing he'd do is hire Sam as the sheriff.
"You're thinking about it, aren't you? You're thinking that you want to do it."
"I am," he admitted. "I would never had considered it until you mentioned it but you have a point. I could make a real difference in Springwood."
"And it would be a new challenge."
"It certainly would be."
"But?"
"Why don't I want to be a sheriff anymore?"
It was an inelegant question but it summed up his feelings. Luckily, his wife didn't laugh at him, instead taking his query as seriously as he'd meant it.
"Maybe...maybe because you've already done it. Think about it this way. Perhaps the reason that you're restless after the manhunt for Wade Bryson is that was pretty much the pinnacle of police work. Bringing in a serial killer that was on the run. It doesn't get much more dangerous and exciting than that. I would imagine everything else sort of pales in comparison. You've been a wonderful sheriff, but you've done that. It's okay to want something different. It's okay to say that you're ready to do a new thing. Maybe that's what a midlife crisis is. Saying goodbye to the comfortable, safe, and known and taking on that next stage of life."
His wife's eyes had filled with tears and she sat down heavily onto the mattress, burying her face in her hands.
"Honey, are you okay?"
It was a stupid question because he could easily see that she wasn't. For some reason her impassioned speech had made her sad and he didn't have a clue as to why.
She looked up, her cheeks wet. "No, I am not okay. I just realized something."
"That your husband's an idiot?"
Rolling her eyes, she gave him a long-suffering sigh. "I realized that my midlife crisis is about being scared to go to that next scary stage in life."
Good. Now they were going to talk about her instead of him. All this introspection was annoying.
Sitting down next to her, he reached for her hands, wrapping their cold flesh in his own.
"What are you afraid of, babe?"
Sniffling, she leaned her head against his arm. "Of Amanda growing up. Of me getting old. Of not being a good enough mother or wife or doctor or friend. I'm scared of falling asleep one day and waking up and Amanda is leaving for college and I missed it all. Everything."
Whoa. That was a boatload of fears.
"You're a wonderful wife and mother. You're a terrific doctor and I know that Sherry thinks you're a great friend. Where is all of this coming from?"
"Amanda started kindergarten. She's not a baby anymore." A fresh spate of tears began and he reached for another tissue. "And I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that kids are supposed to grow up but frankly, I don't want to hear that. It's all going so fast and I can't slow it down. I just want to slow it down a little bit."
Had he become so preachy and predictable that he would have dismissed his own wife's fears? It looked like he had and he wasn't happy about that. She'd said that he would always use the wisdom card. He needed to stop that right now. As in yesterday.
"It goes quick, doesn't it?" he mused, wrapping an arm around Maddie and pulling her closer. The familiar scent of her strawberry shampoo tickled his nostrils. "One day you're thirty and I'm forty-five and the next we're ten years older and our daughter is starting kindergarten. I wish it could slow down, too. I wish we could work less and savor more of our lives, especially when Amanda is so young. It doesn't seem fair that when we get older and the kids are out of the house that's when we have more free time."
She dashed at her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. "It isn't fair. I want more time with her now. She's growing up so fast and I'm afraid we're going to look up and miss it all."
He opened his mouth to tell Maddie that there would be plenty more milestones to make her feel this way - middle school, proms, graduation - just to name a few, but he shut it just as quickly.
The wisdom card. He wasn't going to play it again. He didn't have to be right or offer advice every single time she talked about her troubles. She wasn't asking him to solve her problems, she was asking him to listen.
Besides, no one could actually slow down time, but they could make a few adjustments so that they weren't looking at their life in the rearview mirror all of the time.
"Then let's make more time," he said. "Let's do that. Let's arrange our life so that we have more time with Amanda."
"How? How would be even do that?"
"You could work less. We'd be okay. We could tighten our belts a little. Then you'd have more time with her. I have to admit that one of the bright spots of being fired was that I got to spend more time with our daughter. That's been a lot of fun. I missed so much with Emily and Chris."
His wife was frowning but not because she was unhappy. She was thinking about how to make it work. He could practically hear the wheels in her head turning over idea after idea.
"I suppose I could work only when Amanda is in school, but I don't think I could get away with it five days a week. Maybe three." She pulled up her legs, sitting crisscross on the mattress. "What I really need to do is attract another doctor to the practice."
Tanner had said that same thing about a year and a half ago but he wasn't about to remind her of that now.
"You've been working some crazy hours," he agreed. "You don't have to kill yourself for the good residents of Springwood. They don't expect that."
And if they did, they had their priorities screwed up.
"I just want to make sure that they're taken care of."
"You're not the only doctor in town. You're the best doctor but not the only one. They'll be taken care of."
She nudged his shoulder. "You have to say that. You're my husband."
"I don't have to but yes, I am your husband. Your proud husband. You make me very happy, Madison."
Lifting her up, he settled her on his lap. They didn't get near enough time alone with one another.
"You make me happy, too."
"Even when I'm ripping the house apart?"
"Even then." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "That's a lot of sharing we've just done there. It was exhausting."
"We don't have to go tonight. We can stay right here."
She shook her head. "I think we should go...and I think you should help the sheriff. Because he badly needs it. It's almost like fate that you're staying here, don't you think?"
It wouldn't hurt to help Ken Smith. Now that Tanner had admitted - out loud - that he didn't really want to be a cop anymore it made helping the young sheriff much easier. Maddie wouldn't expect him to go back to Springwood and take his old job back.
"I think you're right. I can help him a little bit."
"Didn't he leave you a business card? You should call him. You can start helping him tonight when we're at the wake."
"Celebration of life," he corrected. "But that's a good idea. I'll call him and then we'll go. Are you ready?"
For the first time in a long while, Tanner was ready to face the future.
With Maddie by his side.
14
Leo's penthouse condo was wall to wall bodies when Maddie and Tanner arrived at Bibi's celebration of life. The double doors to the patio were open and every now and then a fresh breeze would waft through the open floor plan, washing away the cloying mixture of perfume and scented candles that hung in the air.
And there were lots of candles. All over the house, but mostly at the far end of the living room where Leo had built something of a shrine to his recently late wife. There were several photos of her blown up to poster size and placed on stands, plus a small table of Bibi's "Favorites" - books she loved, jewelry she liked. There was even a tablet computer set up to show a looped slideshow of photos from Leo and Bibi's travels.
"It's so sad," Ashley said, sidling up next to Maddie. "I helped Leo put this together and I swear I've cried all day long."
"It is sad," Maddie agreed. If Ashley had been crying all day, she sure knew how to hide it. She ought to give makeup tips because her face and eye makeup was flawless. "It was so sweet of you to help Leo."
Ashley shrugged, taking a sip of her drink, something fruity with orange juice. "The two of them were such good friends to me when I moved into the building. I just wanted to give a little something back."
"It's a lovely party. You've done an amazing job in such a short amount of time."
“I called in a few favors.”
The small talk was awkward. Maddie wasn't the best at it, preferring real conversations to shallow ones.
"I saw you and your husband talking to the sheriff this morning."
Looked like they were going to have a real discussion now. The polite chatter was done.
"Yes, we did speak with him."
"You talked to him a long time. I mean...for someone that didn't know Bibi and had really only met her once."
Was Ashley probing for information? Interesting.
"The sheriff recognized Tanner's name."
Frowning, Ashley looked confused. "Recognized his name? Is he some sort of celebrity? I didn't realize."
Normally Maddie didn't like talking about Tanner's exploits as a sheriff but at this moment sh
e didn't mind.
"He was one of the men that brought in the serial killer Wade Bryson. It was in a lot of the papers and magazines."
Her eyes wide, Ashley almost choked on her drink, sputtering and coughing. "Wade Bryson? I had no idea. That's...wow. You must be so proud."
"I am. Tanner is a great lawman."
Ashley didn't appear to know what to say next. She opened her mouth and then shut it a few times before finally getting some words out.
"So he and the sheriff must have had a lot to talk about."
"He asked Tanner to consult on this case."
They had discussed this before arriving at the party and after talking to the sheriff. Tanner was officially helping out and there was no reason to keep it a secret. They'd all be finding out pretty quickly because he was planning on starting to ask questions tonight.
"He did?" Ashley's brows were almost at her hairline. "Well...that's fantastic. The case will be wrapped up that much faster. Maybe even before Leo leaves."
Leaves? Leo was going somewhere?
"Leo is leaving?"
"He's going to visit some friends in New York City. Help get his mind off of this tragedy. I can't imagine having to live in a house all by myself where I'd lived with my deceased spouse. That would be awful. I think he's made the right call. Getting out of here and seeing some old friends is just what he needs to help him move on."
Maddie couldn't imagine a scenario where she would leave if the police were investigating Tanner's murder.
If you ask me? That's shady behavior.
"When does he plan to go?"
"Wednesday if he can get everything sewn up by then. I'll help him all that I can."
That didn't leave Tanner much time to investigate the new widower.
Was that Leo's plan?
Tanner couldn't get anywhere near Leo for almost half an hour after arriving to the party. The man was constantly surrounded by friends giving their condolences so he hung back until the right time. This was going to be tricky, expressing his own sympathy and also informing Leo that he was joining the investigation. It wouldn't be ethical not to tell him.
Bitter Justice (Cowboy Justice Association Book 12) Page 10