by Bible, Jake
“No shit,” Critter says. “It ain’t no fun for us neither.”
“Move to the back wall,” Lourdes says. “Get behind us, and stay tight. We’ll try to fight off as many as we can for as long as we can.”
“Save some of them bullets for us,” Critter says. “I ain’t going out as Z food.”
“Bullshit,” I snap. “We’re getting out of this. There is no way I have come this far to die with all you fuckers in Reptile Jesus’s rumpus room. Not fucking happening!”
“Then what’s your bright plan, Short Pork?” Critter asks. “Come on now, you have to have a plan, right? All that thinkin’ happenin’ up in that big brain of yours, there must be a plan. Enlighten us, Short Pork. What is it?”
“Don’t call him Short Pork,” Elsbeth says. “His name is Jace Stanford.”
Critter looks over at Elsbeth, but she doesn’t look back at him. Her eyes are focused on the door and the cracking walls around it. For one second, I think Critter is going to say something to her, but the man is way too smart to do that, and he just nods.
“Fine,” Critter says. “Jace, what is yer plan? Huh, Jace? Ya got a plan or not?”
I have to give him credit, he doesn’t back off. He may not be calling me Short Pork, but he’s still gonna bust my balls.
I shake my head, and put my back against the wall.
“No, I don’t have a plan,” I say. “This was my plan. Get us in here and away from that fucking herd. That was as far as I thought. I was sort of hoping some of you professional killers would have a plan. Maybe take a page from the soldier playbook and take over.”
“We’re trapped in a small room with only one door, Jace,” Lourdes says. “There’s not much to work with.”
“There’s not much to that door,” Stuart says. “It’s going to come down in a couple minutes as soon as the walls around it give way.”
I start bonking the back of my head against the back wall, over and over, as an act of frustration. It’s something I used to do when I was a kid and got sent to my room, which happened a lot. I’d sit on my bed with my back to the wall, and bonk my head against it until the sound drove one of my parents nuts. They’d come whipping into the room, ready to yell at me, but I’d stop, and just be sitting there all innocent and shit. Didn’t stop them from kicking my ass, but it did confuse the hell out of them. I don’t think they ever figured out what was making the noise.
But my childhood bedroom wall was made of real materials, not like this stupid trailer wall. When I bonked my head on my old wall, it sounded solid, it had resonance. When I bonk my head on this wall it’s all hollow and empty. It’s a pitiful, stupid wall.
Wait ... it’s a pitiful, stupid wall.
“Backdoor!” I shout. “I found the backdoor!”
Then I giggle.
“Jesus, Dad,” Greta sighs.
“And Jace has now gone cuckoo,” Critter says. “There ain’t no backdoor, dumbass.” He looks at Elsbeth. “Can I call him dumbass?”
She just shrugs, her eyes still on the one door, her blades ready at her sides.
“You’re right, Crit,” I smile. “There ain’t no backdoor. Not yet.” I turn and pound my fist on the wall I had just been leaning against. “But we can make one pretty fucking fast.”
“Son of a bitch,” Stuart says. “He’s right. The brilliant moron is right.”
“Um, that probably didn’t come out the way you meant it to,” I say to him.
“No, it came out exactly how I meant it to,” Stuart says, then steps forward, lifts his leg, and slams his boot against the wall. A crack appears instantly. “Come on, folks. Let’s get to work.”
We do.
Boots, the butts of rifles and carbines, even fists, start working on the wall. In minutes we have trashed it completely, and we all stare at what’s on the other side.
“I could have gone my whole life without seeing that,” Greta says.
Apparently, on the other side of Reptile Jesus’s torture room is Reptile Jesus’s sex room. I shit you not. There’s every kind of sex toy imaginable on the shelves that line the wall. There’s also some very interesting equipment that I am not going to even try to figure out. I recognize the sex swing hanging from the ceiling, but that’s about it.
“Looks like Kelvin wasn’t so much God’s voice as he was God’s pervert,” I say. “Not too surprising, really.”
Elsbeth walks over and picks up a giant dildo. I do mean giant. The thing is like two feet long and eight inches wide. Giant.
“I could kill a man with this,” she says, and tucks it inside her coat.
I really hope she means she could beat a man to death about the head and face with it. If she’s talking about another way to kill a man with it, then I do not want to even go there. Please, brain, don’t take me there.
Dammit. My brain takes me there.
“You know, while we’re here, I should pick something up for Stella,” I say.
“Dad!” Greta yells. “Yuck! That was out loud!”
“I know,” I smile. “I couldn’t help saying it.”
“Looks like we gots another wall to go through,” Critter says. There’s a loud splintering sound from behind us. “And we best be hurryin’!”
I look back, and see hands and fingers start to work their way around the torture room’s door as it breaks away from the walls. We’ve got like seconds before they get through and come for us.
No one has to say a word, we just move. We shove the sex machines out of the way, and then grab onto the shelves holding all the dildos. They’re bolted to the wall. Great.
Lourdes and her men start ripping at the shelving, cracking shelves and tearing out supports. Dildos, vibrators, strap-ons, cock rings, ball cuffs, you name it, it’s all flying this way and that. It’s raining sex toys!
We finally get down to the wall, at least enough of it that we can squeeze through once we rip the thing open, but it may be too late. There’s a huge crash and the trailer shudders as the torture room door comes free. We spin around and watch as the herd tries to jam itself through the opening. There are too many Zs, and they get stuck against each other.
Which is where the shitty walls come back into play. The particle board bends and stretches from the pressure of the herd, then the whole wall gives way, and here they come!
I just start picking up sex toys and throwing them at the Zs. Lourdes and her men are a little more practical, and all take knees and open fire while Stuart, Critter, Elsbeth, and Greta work on getting through the wall.
I throw some spiky thing (honestly, I have no idea what it is) at a Z, and it lodges right in the monster’s mouth. Booyah!
It doesn’t slow it down though. No booyah!
Lourdes and her guys have a little more luck as they choke the hole we made in the wall with Z corpses. There are so many of them that it gets clogged in no time, giving her and her men time to reload while everyone else keeps working on the wall.
“How’s it coming?” Lourdes yells.
“It’d probably come pretty fast with this sucker,” I say as I waggle a particularly girthy (Girthful? Girthtacular?) dildo about. “Damn, do I feel inadequate.”
“Don’t you always?” Critter cackles.
“Hey, less mocking and more, uh ... what rhymes with mocking that means breaking through a wall?” I say.
No one responds. I could use a pocket thesaurus. No, wait! One of those rhyming dictionaries that poets use. If we live through this I am totally snagging one of those from the next library we pass.
“No, you’re not!” Greta yells. “That’s the last thing we need!”
Everyone agrees quickly. Oh, sure, they respond to that.
The mound of dead Zs begins to tumble into Reptile Jesus’s dildotorium. Then the Zs behind start to climb over their fallen comrades, and it looks like we’re done for unless we get through the next wall.
“We know!” everyone shouts.
The amazing sound of crunching particle board
comes from behind me. I turn, and nearly split my face in half as I grin at the sight. I can actually see snow falling! This wall leads outside! Huzzah!
Critter, Stuart, Elsbeth, and Greta keep working at widening the hole, as Lourdes and her men get back to the shooty shooty they do so well.
I just keep throwing dildos at the Zs. It’s really all I can do since I only have one arm, and I lost the crowbar in the pit. Which is now a pit of fire. That could so be a country song. I lost my crowbar in the burning pit of fire. I need to remember that.
“Come on!” Stuart yells as they get the hole big enough to step through.
He sticks a leg out, then yanks it back in faster than I’ve ever seen him move.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. But the answer shows itself quickly. “Oh, fuck.”
Holes in walls, no holes in walls. Doesn’t make a bit of difference when Reptile Jesus’s entire cluster of trailers is surrounded by a Z herd. The ones coming from the torture room? That’s just the welcoming committee. The real party is happenin’ outside. Awesome.
“Fuck!” Stuart yells, and just starts firing into the herd, killing every Z he can.
It doesn’t even make a dent in the numbers. There are easily a few hundred out there. And now that they know there’s food through this convenient hole we’ve made for them, they want to be in here. Ain’t no party like a Z herd trying to get inside a sex room trailer party! Hey! Ho!
“Daddy!” Greta yells. “What now?”
“I don’t know, baby,” I say, and take her in my arm. I kiss her forehead. “Just close your eyes, sweetheart. It’ll all be over soon.”
“Oh, fuck that,” she snaps, and shoves me away. “I am not going out like some lame dork in a Roland Emmerich disaster movie.”
Did my baby girl just make a Roland Emmerich reference while facing down certain death? Yes, she did! I couldn’t be more proud! That’s my girl!
“I’m out!” one of the PCs yells.
“Me too!” another shouts.
“Same here!”
“Out!”
We huddle up together as Zs come at us from inside the trailer, and Zs come at us from outside the trailer.
Then there are no Zs outside the trailer. I shit you not, folks. One second there are Zs, and the next second there’s an RV.
Wait? An RV?
The side door opens up right into the trailer.
“Get your asses in!” Buzz yells. “We don’t have much time!”
No time is needed. We basically teleport our asses into that RV. Buzz slams the door shut just as the Zs reach the RV, and undead hands smack against the side, while undead mouths moan with some serious disappointment.
Pup is driving and he floors it, sending all of us tumbling to the floor of the RV as it rockets forward through the herd of Zs. I don’t think he lets up off the gas until we’re turned around and barreling out of the compound, splitting what’s left of the herd right down the middle.
“Damn, guys,” I say. “That was some serious rescue shit right there. Thanks.”
No one says anything; they all just stare at me. Except for Greta, who has her face buried in her hands.
“What?” I ask, then look down at what I’m holding. “Oh, hey, check it out. I snagged one after all.”
I waggle the silicone dildo at everyone and laugh.
No one laughs with me.
“Put the cock away, Jace,” Stuart says. “None of us need to see that right now.”
“Stella’s gonna be stoked,” I smile.
“DAD!” Greta shrieks, gets up, and goes to the back of the RV.
“Oh, grow up,” I call after her. “You’re alive, aren’t you? There are worse things than your dad joking about giving a dildo to your mother.”
“Not many,” Buzz says. “You should really put that away.”
I toss the dildo aside and turn to Buzz.
“Thanks for playing cavalry,” I say, holding out my hand. He looks down at it, then over at the dildo. “Dude, it wasn’t used. At least I don’t think it was. Hmmmm, anyone got some hand sanitizer?”
“Shut up,” Stuart says, and pushes me out of the way. Buzz shakes his hand. “Stella send you?”
“Of course,” Buzz says. “And Melissa. As soon as you folks left, they started conspiring. Good thing, too. We found the short bus, and then saw smoke coming from that tunnel. We would have been here faster, but we had to circle all the way around to find the compound.”
“Your timing was perfect,” Stuart says.
“Almost,” Elsbeth says. “Little Canny.”
“Who?” Buzz asks.
“That Rafe kid,” Critter says. “He didn’t make it.”
“That’s too bad,” Buzz says. “I didn’t really know him, but he seemed like a good kid.”
“He was,” I reply. “He actually was.”
There’s a few nods in agreement, then the RV goes quiet as we all settle in for the ride back to the convoy. I go and sit down next to Greta and wrap my arm around her.
“I’m glad you’re safe,” I say.
“No dildo jokes,” she says.
“No dildo jokes,” I reply. “I’m just here to hug on you.”
“Okay,” she says, and leans into me.
We sit like that for a while.
“But that room was pretty crazy, right?” I say, unable to help myself. “I mean, did you see all that shit?”
“I have no idea why Mom’s stayed with you,” Greta says. “I would have ditched your ass the second I saw the first Z.”
“Nah, you love me just the way I am,” I smile. “Think of how dull and boring the apocalypse would be without me?”
There are a few sighs of longing from everyone.
“Hey,” I snap. “Not cool, people. You’re ruining a tender moment between a father and his daughter.”
“You ruined it a long time ago, Daddy,” Greta says, but she leans in tighter. “But, yes, the apocalypse would be boring without you.”
No one argues with her, so I’ll take that as a win.
Pup has the heat on full, and soon the RV is one toasty, while pungent, vehicle. I drift off with Greta leaning into my shoulder, and I couldn’t be happier.
I WAKE UP WITH A START as I hear yelling, and I realize the RV has stopped. Greta is still against me, but she wakes up just as fast, and we look around at an empty RV.
“Get your fucking ass down, now!” I hear Lourdes shouting. “You move slow and steady, asshole!”
There’s some more shouting, and then a gun goes off.
“OK!” a man shrieks. “Please, just stop pointing the guns at me! Please! I’m a doctor! I’m not one of those people! I’m not going to hurt anyone! I’m a doctor!”
“Yeah, you already said that, dipshit!” Critter yells. “And I’ve met some seriously evil doctors, so don’t try to pull one over on us!”
“You have three seconds to climb down from there! THREE!” Lourdes yells.
“I’m climbing! I’m climbing!”
Greta jumps up and races for the RV’s door. “Stop! Don’t hurt him! Stop!”
“Greta? Get back in there,” Lourdes orders. “You don’t need to see this.”
“I said to fucking stop!” Greta shouts as I scramble up and follow her out into the snow. It’s not falling anywhere near as hard as before, but it’s still falling. “I know him, dammit! Put down your guns!”
“Greta?” a voice asks from above us.
I look up and see a man wrapped in all kinds of blankets and coats. Only his eyes are showing, and his eyelashes are nothing but icicles.
“Hey,” Greta smiles up at the man. “What the fuck are you doing up there?”
“I hopped on as you were leaving,” the man says. “I was stuck on top of the infirmary trailers, and when you drove by I took my chance. Nearly fell off at that last curve. I guess some of your people heard me thumping around up here.”
Greta turns to Lourdes and glares. She is almost the spitting image of a pissed
off Stella, and Lourdes actually flinches at the look.
“Put down the guns,” Greta insists. “He’s a friend.”
“From that compound?” Stuart asks, a shotgun to his shoulder. “Greta, I think you’re confused. There are no friends from that compound.”
“He is!” she snaps, and points a finger at him. Then she steps in front of his shotgun. “You going to shoot me, Stuart? You going to blast a hole right through my head like a Z? Because you’ll have to if you want to get to him.”
“Who is he?” Elsbeth asks.
Funny, it’s the first time anyone thinks to ask that. Leave it to Elsbeth to get to the point.
“Jimmy,” Greta says, and I hear something in her voice I am none too pleased with.
She likes this guy.
“Dr. James Stenkler,” the man says. “I was the doctor back at that compound. I checked Greta over when they brought her in.”
“He saved me,” Greta says.
“Greta, we saved you,” Lourdes says, looking around at all the people holding firearms still pointed up at the man. “This guy was part of those crazies. He didn’t save you. He may have convinced you he did, but he didn’t. It’s normal for hostages to-.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up, Lourdes,” Greta says. “I’m not some Stockholm Syndrome bippy twat. If I say he saved me, it’s because he actually saved me. Some of the men came sniffing around for a new piece of ass, and he kept them from taking me. Told them I had syphilis and crabs, but it did the trick.”
“Do you?” Elsbeth asks. “Because those are bad things. Never eat someone with crabs. They get stuck in your-.”
“Oh, Jesus,” I snap. “That’s enough, El.”
“Just shit fucking with you, Long Pork.” Elsbeth laughs, then sheathes her blades and walks back into the RV. “Get him down. We should keep moving. We can’t stop like this anymore.”
Everyone looks from the man on the RV, to Greta, then back to the man.
“Come on, Jimmy,” Greta says. “They won’t hurt you.”
“I’m not so sure about that, G,” Dr. Stenkler says.
“G?” I say. “Excuse me? You do not get to call my daughter G.”
“Oh, sorry,” the man apologizes as he scoots to the end of the RV and climbs down the back ladder. “You must be her father, Jace. Good to meet you. G, or, uh, Greta didn’t stop talking about you.”