The guys whined, and even Joanne said she was sorry to see her go. Uncharacteristically, and totally off script, she turned to Kara, “One last dance?”
It was already after two a.m., and the music had slowed drastically. She wanted to leave Kara thinking about her and nothing else. It wasn’t part of the script, but for some reason she couldn’t leave without having her in her arms one more time. It was a pleasure to dance with this woman. How was it that a woman, this woman, could fit her so perfectly? And the director was right. Like most of the world, she had equated pants-wearing, short-haired lesbians as the dominant partner and expected her to act that way. But Kara didn’t act like any man she knew. Yes, she was shorter than her, noticeably so with Madeleine in heels. She had never known a man who didn’t complain about it, but Kara seemed to enjoy it, almost delight in it. She even mentioned how lovely her designer shoes were. Yes, they were magnificent and worth more than she could make in a month but who says nice things like that? Certainly none of the guys she dated. Some would comment on how great she looked but always with their eyes on her ass or tits. When Kara complimented her, which was often, it was always delivered eye to eye.
* * *
Kara had kicked off her shoes and socks and was pacing around the darkened suite, drink in hand, something she sometimes did when she needed to think. Now, at the large window overlooking the Bellagio fountain, she was trying to imagine the music the water was currently choreographed to. Lost in her own thoughts, she didn’t hear Joanne stomp in from her bedroom.
“Why are you still up?” Joanne looked cute, little kid cute, in pajamas with little bears playing hockey, her travel pillow clutched to her chest.
“Sorry, kiddo. I just couldn’t sleep. Want a drink?” Kara offered, holding hers up.
Joanne visibly blanched. “Goodness gracious, no. I’ve still got a good buzz going. No need to overdo it. Now a hot milk I could do. Too bad we’re not at home.”
Kara grabbed the phone and ordered two hot milks from room service.
“I can’t believe you did that or that they’ll do it.”
Kara took a seat on the arm of the couch where her sister had curled up. “This is Vegas. I’m sure hot milk at four a.m. will not cause a stir. Hell, it’s probably downright pedestrian for these guys.”
Jo harrumphed, then asked again, “Why are you up? Really?”
“Stop worrying. I’m always up. Frankly, I can’t remember a night I’ve slept more than a few hours.”
“Kara, you can’t live like that. Have you seen a doctor?”
“Yeah. She wasn’t much help. All she could offer was sleeping pills or antidepressants.” At her sisters’ big eyes, she admitted, “I’m taking the antidepressants but sleeping pills…”
“Did you tell her about our mom?”
Kara nodded. “She thinks the depression is just a side effect of the work situation. I told her I was leaving. She seemed to think that’s a good idea.”
“Kara, please…I know it’s been hardest on you. Everyone does but can’t you see how it’s almost over? I mean Dad retires on Saturday. Don’t you want to take over?”
She was quiet for a long time. “That’s what everyone said last year and the year before. Even if he does retire this time, I don’t trust him.”
They sat in silence. Even Joanne, Daddy’s favorite, was bewildered by her father and his unwillingness to relinquish control. And Kara was tired of being micromanaged.
At a light rap at the door, Kara let the room service waiter carry in the tray with their order. He set it on the coffee table, explaining, “They put your steamed milk in a warming carafe, and I warmed two mugs.”
Thanking him, Kara signed the guest check on his electronic tablet, then handed him twenty. He smiled widely, nodding his way out.
Joanne was pouring out their drinks. “Yum! They put vanilla in it. Oh, and nutmeg too.”
“I thought we could add some Bailey’s, but I think I’ve already had more than enough.”
“At least you worked most of it off on the dance floor. I’m going to have to get Zack to take the kids to soccer all month. I’ll need that extra time in the gym just to get back in shape.”
“Ugh. Don’t be a gym queen. Besides, I saw you dancing. I think the guys had you up most of the night too. So stop pretending you’ve been a bad girl.” She grinned, adding, “Unless this is all about you dancing with men who are not your husband?”
Joanne snorted, pouring herself another helping of warm milk. “And what about you? Spill already. It looked like you were having a great time with Madeleine. I thought that would have made you feel better.”
“It did, she did. It was…”
When the long pause began to drag on, Joanne pleaded, “Kara, come on. I know I’m not Dougie, but I’m an adult too. Talk to me, please?”
Kara filled her own cup, stalling for a way to explain. “Madeleine is beautiful, graceful, and so much fun, but on Sunday she’ll fly back to her perfect life in Minneapolis, and we’ll return to Toronto and our… Look, I know you love the old man, and I respect that. He’s always been there for you, he’s never let you down. He’s great with your kids, and that’s perfect. It’s just not what Doug and I have endured. I’m not asking you to admit our father is anything but perfect but…”
“I know. It’s okay. Zack and I talked a lot about it lately. He sees how Dad is with you and Doug, you especially. I’m sorry, Kara, I should have listened a long time ago.”
“I know you like to play peacemaker, but you really need to stop. You’ve got enough pressure on you without carrying my baggage. Come on, kiddo, it’s not exactly in your job description.”
“Like much of anything is.”
“What?”
“That’s a discussion for another day. Right now I want to hear all about dancing with Madeleine. Did you like it?”
“It? You make her sound like a sweater. And just to save you from explaining, yes, I like her. She’s really nice. Easy to talk with and fun. The truth is, she’s exactly the kind of woman I could fall in love with.”
That comment stopped her sister in her tracks. “I… Have you ever been in love? I mean, I know you’ve had girlfriends but what about love?”
“Fall on your knees, hearts and flowers love? Once,” she admitted. “It was a hard lesson.”
“Lesson? Lesson! Oh my God, Kara. Real love isn’t a lesson, it’s—”
“Don’t go there, Jo,” she begged, pouring herself another small cup of warm milk. Jo lifted her feet, and Kara automatically eased herself under them. Jo had been lounging with her feet in her big sister’s lap since she was a toddler. It was her comfort tell. Whatever was going on in Joanne’s mind, she was in her element. Maybe her father had been right to dead-end Joanne into managing events. She did love to pull strings, loosen buttons, and get everyone to have fun. And she could admit she was having fun. Certainly, meeting someone like Madeleine had changed her own mood. “There was someone. Beautiful, smart, really smart, and she came with a chip on her shoulder. A big, big chip.”
“Don’t tell me, another gold digger?”
Kara shook her head. “On the contrary. She was exceedingly ambitious but in an unfocused way. Still, she knew she wanted more, a lot more, and I wasn’t going to get her there. Maybe I could help in some small way, but she truly believed neither my wealth nor social clout would help her reach her dream. Don’t get me wrong. She was brilliant, fun to be around, smart, funny, we could talk for hours and hours, but I always knew she had no plan to stay.”
“Did she say that?”
“Sometimes it’s what a woman doesn’t say that tells you everything you need to know. Like Madeleine, for example. You know she’s straight?”
“What!” Joanne sat up in a flash, milk dribbling from her gaping mouth. She sputtered out her questions as she grabbed the linen serviette from the table. “What…how…did she tell you that? No!”
“No. She didn’t tell me. She didn’t have to.”
“Then—”
“Joanne it’s okay. So you scoped me a straight girl for a date. I like her, and she seems to enjoy takin’ a walk on the wild side.”
Jo still looked confused, even worried.
“Hey, give yourself a break. She’s a lovely straight lady who’s in town at the same time as us and is probably enjoying a date where there’s no expectation for it to end in bed.”
Brow wrinkled and her travel pillow pressed hard against her chest, Joanne asked with a hint of innocence, “Did you, you know, want…”
Kara gave her sister’s feet an affectionate rub to reassure her. “I’m not sure I could. I mean she is beautiful, and I’m attracted to her but…I don’t think I can do casual anymore. No, I can’t. I’m at a point in my life where, well…if it’s not the real thing, why bother. Besides, we live in different cities, in different countries, and that’s on top of her being straight. Which isn’t an impossibility but it wouldn’t be right for me to use her just like all the guys who have trampled her heart.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe she has huge demands at home and never gets time to explore her…you know.”
“Sexuality, really?” Kara grinned at Jo’s discomfort.
She shrugged it off. “Still, you like her right? Like her as if, as if she was, you know, interested, you might be too?”
She shook her head. Joanne was like a dog with a bone. Maybe that was why she gravitated to the job of family peacemaker so naturally. “Okay, then yes. If she were a lesbian, and if she was attracted to me, and if she was interested in pursuing something long distance or even just discussing the future, then yes. Yes, I would…you know. Hell yes. At one point last night, we were standing in the crowd at the bar, and she snuggled up behind me. It was…she was just trying to get close enough to talk but holy cow… Yes.”
Jo rested her head on the arm of the couch and reached for her sister’s hand. In a faraway voice, she uttered, “I think I understand.”
Chapter Six
Madeleine, desperate to cure her hangover, ordered poached eggs on dry toast from room service. Thinking about last night, how much fun she’d had and just how comfortable she felt with Kara had been her only thought for hours. Somehow, that woman made her crazy and happy at the same time. Maybe it was all part of the gig, this fantasy girlfriend experience. She had to admit it was fun the way things were playing out. It’d been some time since she’d done the new relationship thing, the getting to know each other. Trying to compare it to her own dating experience, she could admit dating guys was completely different. Being a woman—was that what made the difference? Was love different too?
Thinking about her past experience, she knew she’d been in lust, but not love. Her relationships had usually started at a party or a bar. One thing would lead to another, and they’d be in a relationship. It would just happen, rarely with her initiative. Some guy would get her in the sack and then imagine that made for a relationship, and she was just as much to blame for all the failures. It was always easier to have a boyfriend than not. Now she was going home, no career, no boyfriend, and the only person she could admit to truly connecting with in these past ten years was the subject of a scripted lesbian fantasy.
* * *
Kara stood on the stage of the ballroom, finally set for her presentation. She had just finished the sound check and run through her slides. She was ready to present her pivot argument scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. For the rest of the day, this room would be used for sales lectures and presentations from individual segment leaders.
She folded her analytics notes away for tomorrow. She was finally going to get her chance to prove her father wrong. But it felt like too little, too late. So what if they changed their tactics and pulled their asses out of the fire? So long as the old man was in charge, it was all for nothing. She considered him a caricature of right-wing politicians who believed the lies they were constantly telling. She had been hoping for years that the board would see his rhetoric for what it was, narrow-minded and out of date. He would never change, but lucky for her, she was through with Wexler-Ogelthorpe. She had made it clear to her siblings: this was it. She’d deliver the analytics and her pivot plan with the deep dive results and let them live from here on with the mess her father had made.
She wasn’t expecting Madeleine. When Jo escorted her into the closed room past security and the A/V tech, she had to smile. The woman was just as stunning in her power suit as last night’s little black dress, but it was the lopsided grin that Kara liked the best.
“I was just telling your sister I’m finished for today, and she dragged me in here promising I wasn’t interfering.”
“Interfering? Not at all. You’ve saved me from driving the A/V tech mad with repeated rehearsals.”
“I was wondering what your schedule is like for the day. Joanne was just telling me I may be able to save you from, what did you call it, a boring old-boys buffet?”
Kara wanted to groan, but Joanne’s description was apt and a little funny. “Actually, what I’m feeling like is a little adventure. These are the last days before they shut it down, so anyone for a ride on the roller coaster up at the Stratosphere?”
“Not in this lifetime!” Madeleine quipped. “But I have a counterproposal you might enjoy. How about a visit to Lake Mead? It won’t provide the same adrenaline rush, but I promise to make it fun.”
Joanne, without waiting for Kara to even consider the invitation, accepted for her. “She says yes! Don’t you, sis? You love lakes and stuff like that.” She went on to proclaim Kara free all day but to be back in time, with Madeleine if she was interested, to rejoin the group for a late reception for the account reps. “It’s a mandatory thing. Everyone will be there.”
Kara wasn’t interested in attending anything considered mandatory, but Madeleine for whatever reason took it upon herself to tell Joanne they would be back in time for the reception. “We’ll be there, I promise.”
Kara just nodded. If Madeleine and her sister Joanne wanted to manage her life, so be it. As long as they weren’t ordering her to eat her vegetables, she was happy to let them take charge.
Enjoying the hot Vegas sun, Kara was waiting in front of the hotel when Madeleine pulled up. She had asked for an hour to get changed and pick up a rental car. Kara had been expecting the usual nondescript Ford, not the purring Shelby Cobra. Madeleine offered her cheek for a quick kiss before dropping the transmission into first gear and turning south on the Strip.
“I want you to know this isn’t something I usually do. Renting something like this, I mean. It’s just that the minute your sister said you had the rest of the day free I couldn’t help it. I called one of those fantasy car rental places. I was lucky. The Cobra had come back early.” Nearing the last hotel before leaving the Strip, she pulled over, offering to let Kara drive. “For some reason, I can’t enjoy the view and drive at the same time.” But she wasn’t looking to the mountains or the hotels, only into Kara’s eyes.
Overwhelmed by the intensity of Madeleine’s gaze, she obfuscated. “You’re really giving me control of a vintage race car on an open highway? Please tell me you got the extra insurance?”
Madeleine just laughed, and went around to the passenger side. “I even got the ‘Forget About It Clause.’” This she delivered with a perfect Jersey accent. “If we get too hammered to drive, we call the eight hundred number, and they send a limo to fetch us and a driver for the car.”
Kara gave the accelerator a try, grinning as the engine and RPM gauge jumped to life. “If I get a speeding ticket in Nevada, will they dock points off my license in Ontario?”
“Who cares?” Madeleine laughed. “Just put the thing in gear. I’ll navigate, you avoid the tickets, but when we get caught speeding, and we will, I’ll pay the fine, you risk the demerit points. Deal?”
Kara was grinning up as storm too as she downshifted into first, “Deal!”
By the time they hit the I-93, it was obvious they couldn’
t talk in the open roadster with Kara pushing her speed. Still, Madeleine felt comfortable. Absent was any hint of awkward silence. In some ways, it was as if they already understood each other. It was interesting; she couldn’t recall that same sensation with any of her past boyfriends. Easing back in her seat, she knew she could relax and even at their high speed, enjoy the ride through the vast, harshly beautiful desert landscape. Wanting to maintain a connection with Kara during the long drive to Temple Bar Marina, she reached over, taking the opportunity to rest her hand on Kara’s thigh. She surprised herself when she realized what she’d done but not so much that she wanted to pull her hand back and sever the connection.
When they finally pulled off the highway and parked the car, Kara naturally took her hand as they walked to the restaurant. It felt good, no, natural to hold her hand. If anything, the connection gave her a sense of comfort and a little tingling of excitement, until they reached the door. The sight of patrons and staff reminded her the world was watching, and she dropped Kara’s hand.
Madeleine knew immediately she’d made a tactical error. Of course, Kara would be one of those women who paraded around, fearlessly flaunting her gayness in everyone’s face. Well, she didn’t have to live here when everything was said and done! And neither do I. That thought, and her own homophobia, troubled her deeply. Was she one of those people who wanted rights for everyone else but didn’t want to share the privileges of those rights? When they took their reserved table, a really sumptuous and private sitting area with a couch and coffee table, her face had clouded as darkly as Kara’s. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”
“You were fine last night at the bar, but I noticed you’re more reserved in the casino. Hey, no judgment. We all have to find our comfort level. Especially these days.”
Cause and Affection Page 6