“Oh…Kai, I want that too.” She lay back, pulling his neck to bring him with her.
As soon as her back hit the blankets, Kai’s hands lifted her hips, ripping off the lower half of her clothing. Sitting back on his heels, his eyes dragged over her body. Jessie could feel the warmth of the fire on her bare skin, but right then, the heat from his eyes was more intense. His hands pushing off his lounge pants, he shook his head at her. “I love how you care for me,” he whispered, almost reverently.
When the last of his clothing had been discarded, he lowered himself over her, giving her a soft kiss while he held his body slightly above her. Jessie closed her eyes, letting his words wash over her. Only partially reopening them, she ran her hands up his chest, and up to his face. He was so beautiful. “I love the way you see me,” she said quietly, shaking her head.
Closing his eyes, he settled himself over her. Jessie could feel his hard body pressing against her, and wanted to care about how disastrously far they were taking this…she just couldn’t. He grinded against her body as her fingers trailed along his ribs. His erection slid against the slickness of her and they both groaned. Dropping his head to her shoulder, his hips continually pressed his ready body against the folds of her flesh.
Panting in her ear, he muttered, “Jessie…stop me…please…stop me.” His voice was strained when he said it, the ache in his voice palpable.
Jessie bit her lip, shaking her head. It was too late for that, far too late. She didn’t have the strength. “Kai…I can’t.”
He grunted and groaned deep as they slid together easily. One small shift, that’s all they needed. Kissing her neck, he muttered into her skin, “God, what you do to me…”
Jessie’s hands ran over every inch of his body that she could touch. She knew exactly what he meant. That fine line they walked between friends and lovers…they were crossing it, right now. She couldn’t even bring herself to think of all the other lines they were crossing. Taboo lines, lines that would normally be twisting her stomach in disgust. But there was too much fire in her belly at the moment. And the ache between her legs was entirely too great.
She tilted her hips when he rocked against her again. They both gasped and froze as the tip of him slid in. “Oh…god…you’re so warm, so wet, so perfect…” Kai’s voice trailed off into incoherence. Their bodies shook with restraint, until Kai shifted his hips and moved to her side.
Jessie whimpered with the loss, her hand going down to feel that wonderful length that she’d nearly had inside of her. Kai dropped his head back as she closed her fingers around him. “Oh, Jessie…I wish we could be together…” he murmured, his beautiful eyes closing as she stroked him.
She leaned up to kiss his chest. “We are…just touch me, that’s enough.”
He lifted his head to stare at her, his face highlighted by the orange flickers throughout the room. So much desire swirled in his features that Jessie almost didn’t need his touch. Almost. As she moved her hand against him, he brought his fingers straight between her thighs. His eyes never leaving hers, he inserted a long digit. Jessie let herself pretend it wasn’t his hand and moaned loudly, closing her eyes.
Lying back, she used her free hand to pull his head down to her breast. He went freely, his mouth finally closing over a nipple. Jessie wanted to scream with the ecstasy coursing through her. Wrapping her fingers tighter around the warm hardness of him, her movements became demanding. He groaned into her chest, his movements in her becoming more forceful as well. She cried out and cinched her arm around his neck tighter, pulling him into her. His mouth sucked harder, his tongue frantic.
Jessie buried her face in the crook of his shoulder, her lips touching the black ink reaching up over the blade. Kai’s face shifted to the other breast as they breathed heavily into each other’s warm skin. Their bodies pressed tight together side-by-side, their fingers continued to explore the other. As Jessie’s hand moved over his thick length, her palm sliding easily with the wetness of her own arousal coating him, she could easily imagine that marvelous manhood inside of her. She moved her hips in time with his fingers plunging into her. He moved his hips in time with the movement of her hand, but out of sync with her own swiveling. They both clutched at each other and panted in unison.
Kai twisted his hand probing her and slipped another finger inside. She gasped and groaned, clutching both his hair and his erection tighter. Groaning, he moved harder against her hand. Jessie moved a leg up over his, and never stopping their joint attentions, their hips repositioned in such a way, that if they’d pulled their hands apart from the other, they would have easily connected. Jessie brought the heel of her hand to her own body and stopped stroking him, still holding him tight. Kai stilled his hand as well, leaving his fingers inside of her.
Pulling back to look at each other, they began to rock only their hips, keeping their hands on the other still, like they were making love. Staring at each other, Jessie imagined the thickness in her hand was the stiff fingers traveling inside of her. She rocked against those fingers harder. Kai groaned and rocked against her hand harder. It was like having sex, without technically having sex. Jessie’s free hand traveled down to his hip and she closed her eyes, allowing herself to believe he was inside of her.
They rocked against each other, thrusting against the other’s body and Jessie felt the buildup coming. Clenching his body tight, she leaned in to find his lips. The panting building up as well, she started moaning uncontrollably. It was incredible, her imagination was only adding to the sensation. So close…she was almost there.
Speeding up her hips, she hungrily attacked his mouth. Kai groaned, speeding up his movements as well. Still in perfect synch, she felt the beginning of the wave rushing up on her. Dropping her head back, she cried loudly as it started approaching. Her hand automatically tightening on his throbbing mass between her fingers, he panted in her ear, “Oh, god, Jessie…I want to come with you…it’s not enough.”
Not thinking about anything but sharing this approaching explosion with him, Jessie twisted onto her back, bringing him with her. Removing his hand from inside her, she led him right to the spot where she needed him the most. He slipped inside effortlessly, not even breaking his rhythm, like he’d always been there. His body jerked slightly as she enveloped him. Tensing, he muttered, “No, no, I shouldn’t…oh god…yes…”
Kai began thrusting in her in earnest, holding nothing back. Jessie, already so very, very close, immediately started to orgasm. Grabbing his hips, she pushed hers up to meet him, prolonging the burst of euphoria in her body. She dropped her head back, crying out repeatedly as the waves swept her away.
His head dropped to her shoulder as he panted in her ear. “I feel you coming…I’m so close…I want to do it with you, so bad.” His body started to stiffen like he was about to climax too, then he slowed his hips and started shaking his head. “I can’t…I can’t do that…this isn’t right.” His hips slowed to near stopping. “I shouldn’t come in you…I should pull out.”
Kai started to remove himself from her and Jessie, still carried away on the best high she’d ever had, jerked her hips up to his slowing ones. Then she forcefully pulled on his body, successfully slamming him back inside of her. Being on the edge, he cried out immediately, “Jessie, I can’t stop it…oh…”
He grunted and groaned as his orgasm overtook him. Jessie felt the warmth spread through her, and at that moment felt only joy. His body rocked against hers for a few long strokes as they both rode out the bliss. There were a few residual groans and pants, and then they slumped against each other.
As his spent body slowly pulled out of hers, the joy faded, and grotesqueness filled Jessie. She’d just had sex with her cousin…again. But this time was worse, this time they’d known, and done it anyway. Kai rolled over and stared at the ceiling, his breath still a little fast.
Jessie had no idea what to say, and stared at the ceiling with him, small tears falling from the corner of her eyes. Why did the be
st, most intense connection she’d ever had with anyone, have to be with him? Why couldn’t she stop this feeling she had for him? Things would be so much easier, if she wasn’t in love with him.
She closed her eyes after finally admitting that to herself. She did love him, and not just in the familial way. Needing to process this new information alone, she sat up. Kai looked over at her, sitting up on his elbows. “Where are you going?” he asked quietly.
Jessie wiped some stray tears off her face. “I just need to go for a walk.”
He nodded and looked away. His face again mirrored all of the horror, remorse, and conflict that hers did. Briefly, she wondered if he loved her too. For his sake, she hoped he didn’t. Standing, she quickly dressed into clothes that she could wear in the main lobby. Kai kept his eyes away from her, either not being able to look at her anymore, or giving her some privacy. At the door, she glanced back at him still on the floor in front of the fire, completely naked and completely beautiful. Knowing she wasn’t returning before morning, she whispered, “Goodnight, Kai.”
He finally returned his gaze to her. She was surprised to see tears on his cheeks. “Goodnight, Jessie.” His voice was scratchy, like he was barely containing the emotion there. And she clearly saw that emotion. He did love her…and it was killing him. It was killing them both.
Closing the door, blocking out his grieved face, Jessie wondered who the idiot was that said all the world needed was love? Apparently they’d never been in this situation. An absence of love right now was what Jessie needed.
Chapter 19
Time to Say Goodbye
Kai ran his hands down his face. Surprised to find his cheeks a little damp, he wondered if that had really just happened. Did he really just make love to his cousin, or had he fallen asleep in front of the fire, and that had all been some horrid, wonderful, intense dream? If his spent body wasn’t telling him that he’d, once again, had the best orgasm of his life, he probably could have convinced himself that it was just a fantasy. But, he wasn’t so demented that he could delude himself in that way.
It hadn’t been a dream. He really had just been thrusting into Jessie. He’d listened to her scream in ecstasy in his ear, felt her body clench around him. And he’d satisfyingly released inside of her. Right now, she had a small part of him still inside her. The thought made his stomach hurt.
Sitting up, he glanced down at his limp, fulfilled body. At least one of them was happy about this. Shaking his head, he closed his eyes. Kai very nearly wanted to have another conversation with his seemingly independent male parts. He’d already told that stubborn piece of equipment that it couldn’t have her. Of all the times to rebel…this was the worst.
Running a hand through his hair, he stared off into the fire. No, he couldn’t separate his body into warring factions like that. The fact was…he’d wanted her, heart and soul, head to toe. He loved her so much he wanted that to happen every night. He wanted to hold her afterwards, kiss her head, fall asleep in her arms. Warm, safe…content. He wanted to go slowly with her, take his time. Drape her across that damn clichéd animal rug and explore every perfect inch of her.
But it was so wrong to feel that way. It was wrong to love his cousin like that. It went against all the social norms he was used to. It filled him with a conflicted loathing for himself. Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why couldn’t he turn away? Why couldn’t he shut off the feelings that cropped up whenever she was nearby? He knew he needed to, and he knew that if he couldn’t…then he couldn’t stay near her.
Sighing, he stood and shuffled to the bathroom. Kai needed to shower. It felt wrong, having the lingering smell of her on his body. As he turned on the water, he inhaled, savoring the scent of her hair on his skin. As much as he wanted to get rid of it, he also wanted to keep it. Irritated at his body shifting in two opposite directions, Kai glanced at himself in the mirror. He could just see the edge of his tattoo curling around his collar bone and turned to fully look at it.
Jessie loved it, loved that it was something only she knew about. Even something he’d done as a teenager, as a rite of passage with his friends, now reminded him of her. Would anything now not remind him of her? He ran his hand over the black ink, remembering his past, contemplating his future. He didn’t know what to do now. For the first time in his life, Kai had no idea what direction to go in.
Seeing the hot steam escaping the open shower door, he figured he could start with stepping into it. Kai sighed in relief as the scalding water hit him. The heat eased the tension in his aching muscles; the feeling of being surrounded by water eased his spinning mind. Just for a moment, Kai wished he was back at home. There, he could listen to the surf for hours. He could paddle out into the water early in the morning when no one else was around, and work through his problems with only Mother Nature as his companion. Of course, back then, his biggest problems had been deciding which twin he should ask to prom. God, how he wished he could go back to the easy questions.
He emerged from the shower clean, if not refreshed. His body only smelling of the lodge’s generic body wash, he found that he missed the lingering smell of Jessie. Wrapping himself in a towel, he hesitated at the door. Should he really walk out there like this, if she was back from her walk? And where did she go? Kai hoped she hadn’t decided to go walking around outside. Bad things could happen to pretty girls who went wandering about in the middle of the night.
Worry spurring his actions, he stepped into the main part of the suite only to find it empty. He looked around for any sign that she had come back, but everything looked exactly how they’d left it. Even their discarded pajamas were still strewn beside the fireplace. Setting his mouth in a hard line, he walked over to the stupidly romantic firelight and shut it off. He’d rather be cold than be reminded. Picking up their clothes, he shoved them into their open bags. Then he folded up the blanket, putting it away. Kai couldn’t sleep on it now, not when the dark blue fabric was burned with the image of Jessie’s pale skin draped across it.
Not even going to bother with trying to get to sleep, he dressed in casual clothes. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he waited for Jessie to come back. He wasn’t sure what he’d say. He was sorry? It seemed such a tiny word, one that had lost all its meaning, it was used so much. Plus, should he apologize when she’d technically kissed him first? But…he had stoked her to that point with his evocative talk, and she had asked him to stop…
He should have moved away from her and said goodnight. They should have ignored the warmth and love in the room and gone their separate ways. That was how the evening was supposed to play out. Not this way, with both of them disgusted with their actions and hating themselves for their weaknesses.
Kai sighed as he slumped over his knees. He didn’t like to think of Jessie alone out there, struggling through this emotion on her own. Was she crying? She’d been lightly crying in the room. Hadn’t he just thought earlier in the evening that he never wanted to make her cry again? How quickly he’d ruined that.
Standing up, he started pacing. Maybe she’d gone to Harmony and April’s room. Maybe she’d finally confessed to someone else their horrid feelings for each other. Maybe she’d told her friends that she was in love with him. And he knew now that she was. She hadn’t said it yet, but he’d seen the look in her eye as she said goodnight. She was in love with him, in the same sick, twisted way that he was in love with her. Kai wished she wasn’t. It would be easier for her if her problem was only that she was attracted to him.
But it wasn’t. They were in love. Deeply in love.
Kai watched the clock as he paced, wondering if she’d come back. He wished he knew where she was. Even as twisted in knots as his stomach was, he still needed to know that she was okay. Biting his lip and looking outside at the dark sky, movement in the inky black suggesting that it was still snowing lightly, he decided he wouldn’t get through the night if he didn’t know. He just needed to know that she was safe.
Wondering where to go first, he head
ed out to the lobby. The lights were low as most of the guests were sleeping. It was pretty late, but the bars were still open. Kai wondered if Harmony and April were even back yet. Walking up to the glass front doors, he tried to peer out to the parking lot. It was dark and the snow partially obscured his vision, but the orange lot lights helped him pick out the vehicles. While he couldn’t differentiate between the different colors of the cars, all of them looking varying shades of gray, Harmony’s had a wheel cover on the back and dark, bug deflector on the front. None of the vehicles he saw matched.
Sighing, he turned back to the lobby. If they weren’t back yet, maybe Jessie had gotten the front desk to give her a key, and snuck in while the girls were gone? Determined to be the suave flirt that could get any woman do to anything he wanted them to, which was going to be stretch for Kai, he shifted to walk up to the where the polite girl had checked him in earlier. He wasn’t expecting her to still be there, as she certainly she was off work by now, but he was hoping whoever had replaced her was someone who’d cave to a set of sea-green eyes. Eyes that Jessie loved.
Shaking that thought out of his head, he stepped up to the empty desk. He planned to ring the bell, but a small placard near it read, ‘back in fifteen.’ Kai sighed. Not wanting to stand there, looking forlorn and dejected, he decided to wait in the common room. Whoever ran the desk was probably alone for the night shift, and was probably using a restroom or grabbing a bite to eat. Kai idly thought he should just go behind the desk and swipe a key, but really, all “keys” were electronic cards now and Kai was pretty sure those had to be programmed on the computer. He was also sure he didn’t know how to do that. And he was sure there were cameras everywhere.
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