by Maggie Cole
Meg
We had a meeting with Collin later that day to go through the Turbo issues for Keri and Sam. We had been working the last month on different campaigns and what direction we wanted to go with their brands. Collin and I sat in the conference room discussing different pros and cons for both.
I sat next to Collin, not thinking anything of it. Now that we had been working together for a while, it didn’t seem strange to me.
Liv came rushing in. “Sorry, I’m late.”
Collin stood up to peck her on the cheek.
I wondered if I would ever be able to get that kind of peck too. The handshakes were getting old.
“No problem. I was telling Meg that I met with Turbo this morning. They agree that both Keri and Sam will be a huge revenue source, but they are questioning their family appeal. It will cost Turbo a fortune every time they screw up and have to react to it,” Collin reported.
Liv and I exchanged glances.
Collin continued. “I reminded them that even if they did have to clean up a mess here and there, that the profits would still be enormous and worth the extra PR cost, but they don’t want the headache.”
“What's Turbo’s top concern about Keri and Sam?” Liv asked Collin.
“Drinking and fighting. Both of them haven’t learned to control it yet.”
Liv shook her head. “Sam’s recent bar fight wasn’t easy for us to spin with the press.”
I added, “And Keri crashing that poor girl’s wedding drunker than a skunk...” I rolled my eyes and let out a loud sigh.
“The last month has been a total shit-show for both Keri and Sam, and it’s getting harder to defend them. I don’t know if Turbo will allow any more incidents to occur before they stop the negotiations. I can only negotiate so much.” Collin ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
The amount of stress he was under from trying to make these deals happen with Turbo was amplified by Keri and Sam not doing anything to help themselves.
I instinctively began to put my hand on his leg but pulled back before it was too late.
Okay, maybe sitting next to him wasn’t the best idea.
Liv tapped the table. “Meg, what if you met with Keri and Sam? They seem to listen to you.”
“I can do that.”
“How quickly can you meet with them?” Liv inquired.
“I’ll clear whatever I need to.”
“Good. We need to get through to them now before they screw this up,” Liv continued.
Collin didn’t say a word.
I turned to meet his eyes. “You good with this?”
He took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m out of options, so if you both think it will help…”
“Meg will get through. She’s a pro at it,” Liv assured Collin.
Collin gave me another look I couldn’t read and stood up. "Thanks. Let me know when it’s done,” then stuck his hand out to shake mine.
With the secrecy of our affair in my face, I went through the motions, shook his hand and sat back down.
This was getting old.
I met with Sam later that day.
I decided that it would be best to meet in his territory. Arriving at his condo, memories of the last time I was there flooded me.
Well, at least I’m dressed appropriately this time, I thought.
I pushed the doorbell, and Sam quickly buzzed me into the lobby.
“Hey, sexy.”
“Not here for that, Sam,” I gave him my no-nonsense voice.
He rolled his eyes. “Now, why do I feel like you’re my mom?”
“Maybe because you never listened to your mom and know if you had that your life would have been even easier?”
He started laughing. “Fair play, Meg.”
“Sit.” I pointed to the chair.
He gave me a smug expression, sat down, and waited for me to speak.
“You’re seriously screwing up the Turbo deal. They are about to pull from negotiations,” I warned him.
Sam’s arrogant laugh filled the air. “Turbo is going to make a fortune off me.”
“No, they aren’t. They don’t want liability, and that’s what you are.”
“Oh, please,” he spoke in his cocky tone.
I stood up. "Okay, suit yourself.” I put my coat back on.
“Where are you going?”
“You want to ignore me and play ego-man? Do it with someone else. The only person I see in this room who gives a damn about your future is me. I’m not going to sit and listen to this crap.” I opened the door.
“Wait,” he called out.
Turning around, I waited.
Sam became serious. “Come back in and sit down.”
I stood there, not moving, my arms folded over my chest, waiting for him to give me more.
“I’m sorry. Come back in, please.”
I hesitated but sat back down.
Sam took a deep breath. “What is their beef with me? You know they’ll make a fortune off me.”
“Yes, you’re right. They could make a fortune off you, but there are plenty of other players they can do that with. You’re a liability.”
“How?”
Is he really this dumb?
“Every time you get into a fight, or get drunk, and do something stupid, you bring your brand down. And if you bring it down while partnered with Turbo then you bring them down. Don’t you get that?”
He was quiet for a bit. “I see what you’re saying.”
“Why do you have to behave that way?” I genuinely wanted to know the answer to this question.
He shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe because where I come from you gotta always be proving yourself.”
“All you’re proving is that you don’t care about your future.” Sadness filled my eyes.
After not saying anything for a bit, he finally spoke. “Why do you care so much about this? I know there is money involved, but you seem different than everyone else.”
Throwing my hands up exasperated, I blurted out, “What you don’t get, Sam, is that there are three people who want you to succeed more than you want to. Do you think Collin is going to keep representing you if you take away his power to negotiate on your behalf because of your actions? There are consequences. And Liv isn’t going to destroy her relationships with the press by constantly spinning your fuck-ups.”
“And you?” he asked.
“I come from the hood, just like you. You think you had it bad, and you probably did, but you have no idea what I went through. You have what so many people never will, but you’re going to lose it all. Some kid didn’t make it pro because you did. He’s still in the hood, dealing with God knows what, and you’re in this condo, living it up, with the world by the balls, but throwing it back in everyone’s face. I’m never going back to where I came from, and I sit and watch you throwing all this away, and I just...” Tears welled in my eyes and I couldn’t finish. I jerked my head away from him.
Sam put his hand on mine. In a soft voice, he said, “I’m sorry. Tell me what you want me to do, and I promise I’ll do it.”
“Last chance. And I won’t forgive you if you break your promise to me.”
“I won’t,” he promised me.
“No more fights. No more drunken episodes. If you are going to drink, only have a few before you get out of control. If you can’t, then don’t drink.”
He sat quietly for a minute. "Okay, I promise.”
“Good.”
With that, I walked out, only exhaling once I stepped into the elevator.
I hoped he kept his promise to me. The Turbo deal represented a lot in my career, and I hadn’t climbed out of the hood to let stupidity rain on my parade.
Now if only I could get through to Keri.
I met with Keri right after. I might as well get it over with, I thought.
I picked up the phone and called Keri. “I’m coming over.”
"Okay...” He sounded unsure of how to interpret my call.
“You want a drink, Meg?”
I glared at him. “The last thing you should be asking me is if I want a drink.”
He gave me a slight eye roll.
“Sit.” I pointed to the couch.
Reluctantly, he went and sat down.
“If this is about the wedding—”
I held up my hand. “Enough is enough, Keri. Turbo is about to stop negotiating with Collin. You’re about to lose Turbo, your agent, and our firm. Is that what you want?”
“Why is Collin going to drop me? Why would you drop me?” His face registered hurt.
I took a deep breath. “Keri, if your agent has no negotiating power, then there is no point representing you. And Liv can only create so many spins on what you do before she loses credibility with her press relationships.”
Keri let out a big breath and looked at the ceiling.
I grabbed his hand. “Keri, why do we care more about you than you do?”
He closed his eyes.
I waited, wanting him to tell me why.
“I don’t know, Meg. I just feel like I have something to prove all the time, and it gets me in trouble.” His eyes filled with tears.
It pained me to see him so sad. I hugged him. “Keri, the only person you have anything to prove something to is yourself. You’re about to lose Turbo. They don’t want a liability, and right now, that’s you. They can pick someone else for their shoe.”
Sighing, he closed his eyes again. “I want my shoe, Meg.”
“Then you have to promise me no more excessive drinking. No drinking; no fights; no craziness. Promise me, and stick to it, or you’re going to lose your shoe and the people who care about you.”
"Okay, Meg. I promise. I’m sorry I keep putting you through this.”
I gave him another hug. “Just don’t let me down on your promise, Keri.”
“I won’t, Meg," he assured me.
I put my coat on, and Keri walked me to the door. He kissed me on the cheek and promised me again that he would behave. From there, I left his apartment and got into the elevator.
Both Sam and Keri had promised me that they would behave. I wanted to believe they would keep their promises to me, but I didn’t know if I could trust that.
Merchandizing the two of them was going to be major for Collin, Liv, and me. And I didn’t want to let anyone down. I also really did care about them and didn’t want them to lose their opportunities.
I sent Liv and Collin a text, “It’s done.”
Liv sent back, “They both are on board?”
“I have their word.”
Collin texted, “Thanks, Meg. I know they can be challenging.”
“That’s an understatement.”
I put my phone in my purse and jumped in a cab home. I had been staying at Collin’s almost every night, or he had been staying at my place, and it had been a while since I was by myself.
Suddenly, the world felt a little exhausting.
Bringing up my past to Sam had stirred a lot of emotions in me. Most people didn’t know that I came from trash or that I had a rough childhood.
I had escaped my upbringing, and I didn’t like reliving it. I had never had any intention to tell Sam about my past, but when he asked me why I cared, I couldn’t lie. It was the reason I understood Keri and Sam so well. Their fear was mine.
In my apartment, I laid down on my bed. I closed my eyes, and all I could see was my drunk, drug-addict father beating my mother to a bloody pulp. Over and over, the images of my mother being beaten over the years, and eventually, the day I hid in my closet while he beat her to death, repeatedly played in my mind.
Sam, Keri, myself, we all had reasons not to go back to our past. But the fact that they had it all, and every opportunity in front of them and were blowing it, simmered under my skin. I had worked so hard to escape my past. I know that they had too, but their cockiness and lack of good decisions were like a slap in the face to me.
So many people I knew were still stuck in the ghetto, trying to get out but not knowing how. People that would have done anything for a fraction of the chance that Keri and Sam had, yet never got it.
Then there was the situation between Collin and me. While it was my idea initially to keep the secret, I had no idea that things would get so intense. When I told Collin in the car the other night that he was different, I meant it.
I would never have thought that I could have feelings so deep for someone, and the fact that we had to hide our relationship from the world not only scared me but was starting to irritate me. Being a successful, independent woman, I wasn’t used to hiding. What started as fun and sexual, was now more than that. I was getting tired of handshakes and lies. Most of all, I knew my heart; I was in a relationship that wasn’t real because the rest of the world couldn’t see it. And if the rest of the world couldn’t see it, then what exactly did we have?
The reason I had left my fiancé before our wedding was I knew that if I married him, I would always be under his finger. He was controlling and abusive, and I promised myself I would never compromise myself or my independence again. I would never be like my mother by settling for less than I deserved.
Collin was everything I wanted in a man: successful, supportive of my career, and a skilled and giving lover. We had a chemistry I had never experienced before, and I knew he would never abuse me. I felt safe and trusted him. And I never fully trusted men I dated.
But we were hidden. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it up. I knew if I couldn’t, I would lose him. The thought hurt my heart, and I didn’t know how I would survive it.
As I lay on my pillow, I realized that I was crying. My pillow was soaked, and once the well was turned on, it just continued to flow.
I don’t know how long I laid there, but it turned dark. My demons had come to the surface, and I couldn’t shake them. The pain of my upbringing and the reality that I wasn’t free scared me, and my tears suddenly turned to sobs.
I had forgotten that Collin and I had made plans to stay at my house. We had given each other keys a few weeks earlier, and I didn’t even hear him come in. I was crying in my pillow one minute, and the next, Collin was holding me in his arms.
“Meg, babe, what’s wrong?” He lifted me to his chest.
I just kept sobbing.
“Shhh!” Over and over, he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead.
I curled up in a ball on him, not sure what to say, or how to stop the pain I had hidden for so long that was now rushing to the surface.
When I eventually stopped crying, I laid on Collin, letting him comfort and hold me.
After a long time had passed without crying, Collin pulled my face up to his and kissed me. “Babe, tell me what happened. Was it Keri or Sam? I’ll kill them…”
I shook my head. “No, they didn’t do anything.”
Collin squinted at me in confusion while stroking my cheek with his fingers. “What’s going on?”
I closed my eyes. How could I tell Collin I was worried about our freedom when I had just promised him I would wait until after he closed the Turbo deal?
You're just going to have to come clean about your past.
Sighing, I slowly picked my head up. "I had to relive my past today, and it just caught up to me is all."
Collin stroked my back. “Meg, I’m not following. Tell me everything please.”
His eyes implored me to tell him. I decided if he knew my truth and didn’t want me anymore, then at least I wouldn’t have to worry about our secret.
“Did you ever wonder why Keri and Sam listen to me more than you or Liv?”
He was going to stay something then stopped. After taking a deep breath, he choose his words carefully. “I assumed that Keri listens because of your past relationship and Sam because he wants a relationship.”
I shook my head. “I understand them, Collin. Their pain is mine.”
Colli
n stared at me, with questions in his eyes.
“I grew up in the hood. The kids at school called me white trash. I am the daughter of a drunk, drug-addicted, abusive man who beat my mother in front of me, over and over.” I was relatively calm. Maybe I had cried all my tears?
Collin pulled me closer, kissed my forehead, and wrapped his body around mine.
I took a deep breath. “My father beat my mother to death while I hid in a closet. I did nothing to save her.”
Okay, I was wrong. Fresh tears once again streamed down my face.
“Oh my God, Meg...” Collin pulled me closer and held me tighter.
I continued, “I had just turned nineteen, and I hid in the closet and did nothing so he wouldn’t hurt me. That is the type of person I am.” Tears and sobs, fresh and furious, came flying out of me.
“Shhh.” Collin kissed me, trying to console me, but the flood gates were open.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and shook as I released it. “I left my house and went straight into another abusive relationship. I spent three years getting the shit beaten out of me before I finally wised up and fled.”
What I didn’t tell Collin was that he also used to force himself on me.
“Baby!” Collin wiped my tears off my face and kissed my cheeks and forehead. “Oh, my God.”
"I escaped to New York. I had no money, no education, just a backpack full of clothes. When I met Liv, I was working four jobs, one being the PR job at the paper. It was pure luck we met." I shook my head in disgust, thinking about how much Keri and Sam were throwing away.
Collin continued to stroke my hair and kissed the top of my head.
"Talking to Keri and Sam today...it just brought up my past. I've tried to forget it, but no matter how much I try, I can't shake it. It's who I am...the daughter of a murderer, jailbird, weak mother, educationless, fraud. And I suppose it's why I always just have fun."
The shame of my past made me feel small and unworthy, and I sat up and moved away from Collin, afraid of what he would think of me.
He's definitely going to chuck you to the curb now.
Collin moved over to me and pulled my hands from my face. “Meg, you aren’t a fraud. You’re a survivor. You’re self-made. There’s zero shame in that. You can’t control what other people do, and whoever your father or mother is doesn’t reflect the smart, confident, and amazing woman you are.”