by Marika Ray
Jayden dug his phone out like he usually did to pay me directly for these rides. Suddenly that felt so wrong it made my skin crawl. I put my hand on top of his phone screen.
“Nah, I don’t feel right having you pay for rides anymore. It’s my pleasure.” If only he knew the truth of that statement. Pleasure, sure. But it also caused me pain now. Unrequited feelings will do that to a person.
He tilted his head and looked ready to argue. I flashed him a big grin to show how full of—fake—pleasure I was. He gave up the fight and put his phone back in his pocket. He climbed out of the car and got busy getting Red and his car seat out of my car.
“Fine. But next time I’m here, I’m taking you to a friendly dinner to say thank you.” He stood there, a gorgeous male with his equally heart-squeezing-cute son, and I literally felt the tug. The tug of my heart leaving my chest and falling at Jayden’s feet.
My grin faltered at the label of “friendly” added to the dinner invite, but that’s what we were and I needed to be reminded of it. Despite the pain in my chest.
“I look forward to it. Text me when you get in town.”
I knew it was past time for me to leave and let them get to their plane, but I couldn’t help one last hug to tide me over. Red giggled as my hair teased his face. Jayden’s arm was firm around my back, his big hand spanning my back. I wanted to weep.
I’d miss them both.
“Bye, Nora.” Jayden kissed my forehead and spun around to walk through the sliding glass doors.
He disappeared inside while I stood there at the curb, trying to readjust my whole life around the fact that I’d gone and done it. I’d fallen for an unavailable man. And now I had to pay the consequences, however severe they may be.
I needed my friends. They’d know what to do to snap me out of this Jayden L-word fog. With the L standing for lust, of course. It couldn’t be the other L-word. That would be insane.
“Can you take me to San Jose?” A woman stood before me, her hands clutching two rolling suitcases, a purse the size of my aunt Fran, and a stuffed duffle bag.
I sighed. “Sure, hop in. I’ll get your bags.”
I hadn’t planned on working today, but I could do just one ride share. Maybe it would get my mind off Jayden.
Lenora: Red alert. I need girlfriend backup. I have a situation on my hands and I need your advice.
I sent the message out in our Hell Raisers chat, knowing I’d just done the equivalent of putting a bullhorn to my mouth.
Hazel: Another party?? I’m in!!
Lucy: We need this red alert categorized. Man trouble, parents, or existential crisis? Notice “party” was not on the list, Hazel? Red alerts don’t correlate to parties, usually.
Hazel: They totally should!
Lenora: Man trouble, unfortunately ugh…
Amelia: That son of a bitch better not show his face back in Hell or I’ll rearrange it! What did he do???
Lucy: Don’t be so hasty. Maybe she means Penelope Fines’ brother. He did just move to town last week and he already got himself in an accident in the roundabout.
Amelia: Oh please. You just like Jayden because you’re in Bain’s pants all the time. Just because Bain is a good nut, doesn’t mean Jayden is.
Lenora: Jayden’s nuts are just fine, thank you very much.
Hazel: WHAT??? How do you know about his nuts and why are we just hearing about this??!
Lenora: Girls! Just focus. Wait, Penelope’s brother moved to Hell?
Amelia: Everybody grab your shit and get over here. I’ve got the ingredients for mimosas.
I shut off my phone and grabbed my keys on the way out of my room. Didn’t need to invite me twice. Just say the word “mimosa” and I mobilized. I’d given two rides after dropping Jayden off and then come home to look for more jobs. Didn’t take long, because there weren’t that many within a twenty-mile radius. I’d have to branch out into the San Jose area soon if nothing turned up. A round of mimosas seemed like just the thing to drown my sorrows.
Because I had to stop at Coffee for donuts—sugar sounded so good I was willing to stop in and have to see any number of locals who’d want to say hello and have actual conversation with me despite feeling down in the dumps and because I was me I’d give each one of them a smile and hug—I was the last one to arrive at Hell Hotel. Amelia had set up camp in the back garden area, the round table with umbrella transformed into a mimosa bar. They each hopped up and hugged me, which I appreciated. I gave out so many hugs it was really wonderful to get them in return when I was feeling uncharacteristically down.
“So what did he do?” Amelia jumped into it all the second my butt hit the seat cushion.
“Give her some champagne first, huh?” Hazel winked at me and poured me a mimosa, a mostly clear one given she only dribbled in a tiny bit of orange juice. I’d have to pace myself given my self-labeled status as the lightweight of the bunch.
Big Foot, the resident cat of Hell Hotel, wound his way through my legs, and I took comfort in the feline greeting. I rubbed the ache between my eyes and launched in, telling them everything. Every look, conversation, the first kiss, the way I felt when he touched me, and mostly how I felt knowing he wasn’t looking to get into a relationship. When I was finally done, the champagne glass was empty and Lucy was sniffling.
“Wait. Why are you the one crying right now?” I asked her, my tongue feeling delightfully numb.
“I don’t know! Pregnancy and breastfeeding have hijacked my emotions.” She flung her hands in the air wildly and Big Foot jumped five feet in the air before walking away giving us a dirty look. “I just—well, it’s sad. You two would make such a cute couple, but I know his history.” She stopped talking and sniffled again, this time with a thousand blinks to keep the tears back.
“Well, don’t hold out on us, woman! What’s his history?” Amelia looked ready to flip tables if Lucy didn’t start talking instead of sniffling.
Lucy sighed heavily. I was beginning to think she really enjoyed this situation. No other sperm samples had gone missing recently, so she was hard up for drama.
“Look, his business is his business, but I can promise you he has two very good reasons for not trusting people. Specifically women. That’s all I’m going to say about that.” She lifted her nose in the air.
“Well, yeah. I mean, look what bitch-face Addi did to him and Fred? I mean Red.” My glass hooked to the left severely and I almost dropped it, but it was empty, so no harm, no foul. My limbs seemed to be ultra-relaxed. Like maybe more relaxed than they’d ever been. I tried to move my foot and found I couldn’t. I mean, had there been a fire, I could have moved it, but I really, really didn’t want to. Maybe I’d just stay here forever. That would solve the problem about moving out of my parents’ house.
“Jeez, Lenora. Save that potty mouth for the car, would you?” Amelia teased me.
She was so pretty. “I like your eyelids,” I told her.
She frowned. “Okay, that’s enough mimosas for you. Here, have a donut.”
She practically shoved one into my mouth, which I didn’t mind because that shit was good. “At weast ah hab dowuts!” I cried around the mouthful. If I couldn’t have Jayden, which it was looking more and more like I couldn’t, I’d at least have these little yeast rings to keep me shivering in delight.
Hazel grinned and grabbed one for herself. “Damn right, girl. I’ll eat donuts with you until we’re out and then I’ll bake you more.”
I could always count on Hazel to have my back, but Lord knew I didn’t want her baking me anything. Roadkill had more taste than the things she baked. She’d ruin donuts for me and I couldn’t have that. I was living for them right now.
The girls spent the next half hour shooting the shit with me until I’d sobered up enough to move my foot. Turned out I could have moved it all along.
“Listen, Lenora. Give this Jayden thing some time. He might never trust a woman again, so you’ll have to decide to either cut your losses now and avo
id him, or know you’re in this for the long haul and it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” Lucy, always the voice of wisdom, gave it to me straight and I appreciated it.
I let out a heavy sigh. “You’re right. I guess I just don’t know which choice to make. You know me. I think everyone can be loved, Jayden included. Maybe I can be the one to do it.”
“Oh, honey,” Amelia said, her hand landing on mine, squeezing me tight. “I love that fierce heart of yours, but as your friend, I’m worried about you.”
“Just be there for me if I crash and burn, okay?” I whispered.
Amelia’s chair scraped back and she smothered me in a hug. “Always.”
The other two girls piled on top, the weight of the group hug causing the old patio chair to creak ominously. We stayed that way until Big Foot jumped on the table with a meow that sounded more like a battle cry. We jumped apart to prevent death-by-cat and cleaned up our mess on the patio table. Lucy even followed me home in her car to make sure I got there safely.
I may not have Jayden, but I had my Hell Raisers and that was enough. Had to be enough.
Figuring I could use more food to soak up any remnants of champagne, I went straight to the kitchen to open up the refrigerator. It was either leftover meatloaf or a bologna sandwich.
“Ugh,” I said out loud. I’d settle for an apple instead.
“There you are!” Mom came around the corner, her glasses on top of her head and one of her Sunday dresses that transcended the various decades of fashion.
“Hi, Mom.” I gave her a hug and tried to move toward the hallway where I’d escape into my room for more job searches.
“Wait, Lenny. I need to speak to you.” She did that mom-look thing where she pins you with an all-knowing expression that has you confessing your sins. Thankfully, I was older and wiser and had seen that look a time or two growing up. I’d built up my defenses.
“Sure, Mom.” I smiled and took a huge bite of apple.
Her lips pinched together. “We heard there was a big party down at the beach yesterday. Rumor is it was for your graduation. Is that true?”
Oh, boy. Here we go. “Yes, it was a casual graduation party for me. We did some swimming and then a bonfire. Had a great time just chatting with friends and community members.”
She shook her head. I watched those glasses to see if they’d fly off. “That’s not what I heard. I heard your little brother was there and drinking alcohol and dancing—and sexual relations in the sea caves!” She raised her finger in the air like she had me.
“Well, first of all, yes, there was beer, but only for those of drinking age. Lukas didn’t have any. Secondly, yes, there was also dancing, which is harmless. Have you even seen Dirty Dancing? And thirdly, if there was anything going on in the sea caves, I didn’t know about it.”
“Don’t get smart with me, young lady. I just fear that you’re going down a bad path. Maybe think about spending some time with your father and me. Maybe go to church with us next week? Or—or the women’s group tomorrow night!” She leaned in closer and sniffed. “Have you been drinking?”
She meant well, she just didn’t understand me and my life despite having lived together for twenty-eight years. I swallowed my bite of apple, wanting to end this little squabble before it escalated. “I love you, Mom. And I’ll think on what you said.” I pulled her into another hug and hoped she could feel the sincerity of my love for her, even though I didn’t want to live like her.
“Now I’ve got to get back to applying for marketing jobs.” I turned and left to go to my room, firing up my trusty laptop. It had survived all the years I’d spent completing college courses online. Now if only my relationship with my parents would last until I could move out on my own. The eternal optimist, I really believed things would be better between us if I wasn’t living there. We both needed our space.
Ten minutes into the search, my mind on other things, I hit pay dirt. A marketing position had just popped up in Auburn Hill for the very first time.
“Wheee!” I jumped off my bed and almost tripped over the power cord plugged into my wall. I sat back down so I didn’t maim myself before I could apply.
I sent in my application, along with the résumé I’d edited and re-edited a gazillion times before calling it passable. I squeezed my eyes shut and tilted my head back, asking the universe or God or a shooting star to please help me get this job. And then I hit the submit button.
It was actually pretty anticlimactic. The form went through and I was back to combing through job listings for an hour. When I couldn’t stand any more of that, I flipped to a website where I could search for homes and rental units in the surrounding area. If I couldn’t convince Hazel to move out of her grandma’s and get a place with me, I’d need to find a tiny studio apartment that wouldn’t break the bank.
The website pulled up and the first listing was an ad for an unbelievable house just outside Auburn Hill limits. It was so not what I was looking for and yet I couldn’t help but click on it and check it out. I knew the house, as I’d seen it a time or two growing up in Hell. If I recalled correctly, the owner was a screenplay writer who’d had a lot of success in Hollywood. The house was one of several she owned, spending her summers here when LA got too hot.
I flicked through all the pictures, oohing and aahing over the upgrades, additions, and remodels that had been done. The back deck looked out into the redwood forest with a hot tub situated in the corner under a round wood pergola. Shoot, before just that second, I hadn’t known what a pergola was. I couldn’t even imagine living somewhere so peaceful. I copied the website URL and sent it to Jayden as a joke.
Lenora: Found your new house in Hell!
He’d just left town this morning. I probably shouldn’t be texting him so quickly. I didn’t want him to feel smothered by me until I’d had a chance to float out the idea of being friends with benefits. Although based on the black cloud I brought to brunch with the girls this morning, I probably should steer clear of that man altogether.
I shut my phone all the way off and buried it under my pillow. I was going for a run to clear my head and maybe talk some sense into myself. I was flip-flopping more than the grunions that came up on shore every summer to mate.
Those steel gray eyes had the ability to crack my heart wide-open.
12
Jayden
“Goodbye, LA, hello, Hell,” I said to an empty condo, Red in my arms, oblivious to the significance of the day.
I’d done it. I got the whole house packed, the movers had all my worldly possessions in the moving truck, and Red and I were on our way to the airport for our final flight to Monterey. Poor Kelsie had cried yesterday saying goodbye to Red and I’d felt guilty for taking Red away from the woman who’d acted as a surrogate mother to him his first eleven months of life. Long term we’d be better off in Auburn Hill where he could grow up with his cousin and aunt and uncle in a crazy, yet sleepy town. I knew that, but the goodbye was still harder than I expected.
I shut the front door and locked it for the last time, thinking about all the things that had happened since I bought the place five years ago. Back then I’d been a young kid struggling to get his business off the ground. If someone had told me I’d be a single dad, selling my business for millions of dollars, and moving to a small town, I would have laughed them out of the room. Or at least asked for a hit of whatever they were smoking.
But one look at Red’s chubby cheeks and the dimple on one side of his mouth and I knew it was real. This life so far wasn’t what I’d expected or dreamed of, but it was all mine.
“Come on, Red. Let’s go start our life in Hell.”
He popped his finger out of his mouth and pointed to the car that waited at the curb to take us to the airport. It wasn’t Nora in that ride share driver’s seat, but my mind was sure on her. All week I’d stayed busy, but still the memory of her skin and the way she’d gasp softly in my ear haunted me.
“Da-da.”
“You got it
, buddy.” I put him and the car seat in the back seat and climbed into the front after the driver and I got our three suitcases packed into the trunk.
The excitement built the whole trip. Even Red seemed to sense the allure of new beginnings, charming the travelers around us even though they initially gave him the hairy eyeball as one does to tiny passengers who may scream the whole flight till your eardrums burst.
My heart rate picked up the closer we got to Monterey despite me telling myself not to focus on Nora. I was moving to Hell to start a better life for Red and me, not to hand over emotional power to a third female who would invariably screw me over. A little voice in my head mocked me, letting me know I’d already opened up to her more than I was willing to admit.
Considering she and I had been texting all week and I’d already arranged for her to give us a ride from the airport meant the little voice just might be right. Thankfully I still had some control over my inner thoughts because I shut that asshole voice down the minute it started harping about the arrangements for the house I’d already put into motion.
I took it as a good sign that we made it off the plane without a diaper change or a baby goat encounter. Things were looking up with this change in our lives.
“Hey, brand-new citizens of Hell!” Nora’s car door was wide-open while she stood on the floor of the car to shout over the hood. Her face was lit with a huge smile, the sight of which filled me with such excitement I couldn’t deny the little voice his truth. She made me happy in a way I didn’t understand.
Heads swiveled and I felt the stares. Not many people would voluntarily move to Hell, but I wasn’t exactly leading a normal life. I ignored them all and pushed the luggage cart quickly to the car.
“Why, thank you, Nora.”
She jumped down from the car to give me and Red a huge hug. A sweet apple smell hit my nose and I breathed her in deep. I’d missed her and it had only been a week. Maybe it was just her sunshine personality, or her willingness to be positive, or to offer the best hugs west of the Mississippi. Whatever it was, I was addicted.